Fear!

Fear has it's place. It can keep you safe in a dangerous situation. But fear can paralyze you as well, keeping you from your dreams, aspirations, and life!

After I had Bailey I was so afraid to get pregnant again because I was afraid of the unknown. The Drs said it was rare to have Eclampsia and HELLP as early as I had it and it would likely happen again. There were steps that could be taken, meds to try, but there were no guarantees and THAT was what I was looking for. I wanted a guarantee for sure that my next pregnancy would go to term without issue and I would deliver and bring home a healthy baby.

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek." ~ Joseph Campbell

I did just that. A pretty much perfect pregnancy that gave me what would be my only living child. However the fear I had kept me from realizing that sooner. And time would close my little window to have more children. If only I had not been so afraid to try again sooner perhaps I would have had more living children.

I struggle with fear everyday. Not the kind of fear I had with Bailey but a fear I'm sad to say of not being good enough. Yes, I know the only person I need to please is God. That I should only be worried about judgement from Him. Yet, I am human and I do struggle with how I am perceived and how I will be judged by others. I rarely put myself 'out there' for fear of failure. I am working on this. How can anyone love my work if they never see it? How will I ever know if I'm good enough if I don't show you what I can do? See I know all this stuff and yet sometimes it is easier to cave to the fear!

(photo from Choose Happiness) 

So I have a trip coming up and I am scared. I mentioned that I was nervous, but that's only part true. I am scared to come out from behind the computer and meet people who may have thought of me in a certain way only to find out who I really am. I am scared I will get sick while I'm there and ruin any opportunity to do the things I really want to do. THIS is what keeps leaking in my mind and wanting me to cancel my plans and just stay home.

I AM NOT LISTENING TO YOU! 

I AM going to Houston. 

I WILL have a fantastic time. 

I WILL meet some amazing ladies. 

I AM a fluffy girl but I WILL rock it all the way. 

I WILL have fun!

I will NOT get sick!

I will NOT be self-conscious about by body image!

I will NOT let any insecurities I have hinder sharing myself with others!

This IS my promise!

(photo from Choose Happiness)

The planning has begun

I'm such a planner. I was probably way more spontaneous in my youth. Of course deep down I know I am really not in control and rarely does anything planned go off without a hitch, so I plan and go with the flow.

I'm going to Houston! Have you heard of this wonderful new online magazine that is going to launch in May? Still Standing? It is going to be incredible with articles, blog posts, real life stories, etc. It's all about encouraging you. You know like facing your trials and your're 'still standing'. We all know there are dips in the road but it will be nice to have a place to read something inspiring and uplifting when you are having a bad day. We all have them!

The creator of Still Standing is the one and only Fran from Small Bird Studio. You know her right? You should. She is most awesome!

So I'm going to Houston for a photo shoot for the magazine. A chance to put a face to some of the 'friends' you have made in the FB BLM community. I have to say I'm a bit nervous. I'm not very photogenic but I feel the importance of putting a face to loss is more important than my vanity. So the planning begins for a place to stay, places to visit, oh and it's Easter weekend - a church to visit! And we can't forget the all important WHAT TO WEAR! Grrr.

I can't wait to come back and share some of Houston with you and let you know all about the photo shoot too. Two more weeks! YAY!

For more info about the online magazine, you can visit their FB page here.

A Joy to Hold On To

When you have a baby (a healthy baby) and all is right with the world, you drink in your baby. 

His eyes, his nose, ten fingers, and ten toes. He grows and grows and all is right with the world.

When you have a baby (a sick baby, a still baby) and all is not right with the world. 

No time to drink her in, all her parts still perfect and such, but she's rushed away or taken without a touch. 

She does not grow and grow and all is not right with the world.

Sixteen years, four months, and eighteen days was the last time I held Bailey. It was the first and last time I held her. I was sick, she was sick, and so we were not able to hold her until her last day. Without her tubes, all bundled up in a hospital blanket, I remarked at how she felt like nothingness in my arms. She was born weighing 440 grams which equates to a little over 15 ounces. Not even a whole pound. A little more then the weight of a full soda can. And yes, every time I pick up a can of soda I think about that. EVERY TIME.

"Time heals all wounds" is misleading. Time diminishes the pain a little, time eases the numbness, time can put a scar on the wound but it will never be fully healed. Time also makes you forget details even those as important as the weight of your baby. How that baby felt in your arms. All you remember really is the aching your arms felt when she left them for the last time.

Enter...Molly Bears. An organization dedicated to serving moms with empty arms a weighted bear to hold on to. I signed up on their waiting list a few months ago. The waiting list only opens once a month because of the volume of requests they receive. They had a special deal going where if you donate you get in a drawing to have your bear made and sent to you no matter where you are on the list. I won!

Over the weekend a box arrived with a nice Molly Bears sticker on the side.

I looked at the box for a little while. I was apprehensive about opening it. Here she was. The apprehension was short lived and I tore into that box. Wow. She was beautiful. Pink with a tutu and a big ABC across her front. Yes even though this was my Bailey Bear they were able to incorporate all my babies on her for me to remember. I was told this ABC was purchased 9mos ago and had been waiting for the right bear. I picked her up and she seemed heavy at first but then I laid her in my arms and her heaviness went away. 

Perfection. All 440 grams of her was pure perfection. And so my arms will no longer ache for that memory I had 16 years, 4 months, and 18 days ago. Thank you Molly Bears!

If you would like to make a donation to Molly Bears click here or if you would like to sign up for a bear of your own please click here.

I pray the Lord my soul to take

Been thinking a lot about death lately. Mostly, I imagine, because a fellow baby loss momma passed this last week. News spread fast through the community about her death. She was the mom of eight living children and 3 heavenly  babies. It is said that she died in her sleep, so peacefully, just never to wake on this plain again. I have to admit there was a little jealousy. I can not lie. I bet I'm not alone if others were to be truthful too. There are moments on the grief journey that you wish to be with your child, no matter the cost. So there was a tiny instance that I felt just a little jealous that she was holding her babies and I was not. That passes. It should pass! If it doesn't, you need to talk to someone about how you are feeling and get help moving through your grief.

When I was younger, I mean YOUNGER, I used to imagine, what if I died? Would anyone care? Who would come to the funeral? Imagining my closest friends from school would come see me off and probably not many more. But if you know me at all, you know my favorite all time movie is It's A Wonderful Life. In the movie Clarence tells George that one man's life touches so many others. That if he had not been there to save his little brother, his little brother wouldn't have been there to save those he did. I think we often forget how many lives we touch in a day. That is exactly why I ask you to share your heart. Every time you share your heart you are touching another life. You may never know the impact you have made but it may mean the world to that person. It could mean life and death.

I don't feel the same way I did as a teenager struggling to find her place, wondering if I was cared for, or if anyone would show at my service. Those things are not important to me any more. Thank God! I guess I've grown up a bit. After I lost my babies I became more concerned with what they think, how they see me, are they proud of me? That is how I live my life now. Hopefully in a way that pleases God and my children for they know all and see all and there is no way to hide who I am from them. I don't wish to fall asleep and never wake up anymore. I ask to suffer so that my family can say goodbye and have closure. I cherish my pain, I praise my suffering. All of these, just blessings in disguise to get me closer to where my journey will truly begin...eternity.

So if you know me when I die, or even if you don't, say a prayer for me. Pray that I am worthy to be with my children. Pray that my work is done. Pray for my family to have peace. Pray the Lord my soul to take.

Photo-a-Day Challenge [January Recap]

I lovve taking pictures. Always have. I've heard people talk about a 365 photo challenge to take a picture a day for the entire year but I thought WOW I like taking pics but that seems a bit overwhelming. I knew I would forget, or there would be something in the way of me fulfilling the challenge. Well that all changed at the beginning of the year when I came across one of my favorite bloggers [House of Smiths] talking about the Photo-a-Day challenge  and how she was going to participate with some cool ideas. Ok, hooked! It got better because Chantelle from fatmumslim took the guess work out of the pic taking. She gave us prompts for the month and that made it seem even more fun. Then I wouldn't be just taking 30 pics of my cat, my son, the sky. You know! Admittedly, I was a little slack for the end of the month and had to play catch up. I WILL DO BETTER IN FEBRUARY!

So here is my contribution for January. Again, I lovvve this!

So why not join me and lots of other fun people documenting their lives one day at a time. Here is the prompt list for February. C'mon, join in. It's never too late.

Ooops, almost forgot. I am still so disgusted that Picnik is closing down in April. Every time I think about it, it makes me just a little sick to my stomach. It is sooo user-friendly and can really do so much, I just love it. I have avoided Google+ for a while now only to find out the Picnik will be incorporated into +'s new tools. I am absolutely sure it will not be the same and frankly I don't care to join another social media outlet JUST to edit my photos. A wonderful photog mentor of mine Beryl {who feels the same way about Picnik}has found a new photo editing site called Pixlr and she is going to be having a cool webinar next week with some special tips on how to use it. Be sure to register here cause only 100 lucky people can come.

Good Housekeeping Pop Quiz FAIL

The February issue of Good Housekeeping magazine ran a pop-quiz by their etiquette go-to person Peggy Post. I can not find it on their website anymore so I'm taking that as good news that is was removed. However it is in print all over the world so it's important to let GH know how we as BLMs feel about their quiz. Since I can not find the quiz any longer, I will be using another blog post to give you the quiz details.

Your coworker shared her good news that she was pregnant. Later, you learn that she has miscarried, so you:

A. Say nothing, some things are private

B. Leave flowers on her desk with a note

C. Tell her you are there if she wants to talk.

And the answer provided by Peggy is [insert drum roll]  " A " 

What? Really? Say NOTHING? 

So as has been suggested, I wrote a letter to GH to let them know my feelings on their pop-quiz. We have worked so hard to bring a voice to pregnancy and infant loss and what a set back to have thousands of readers pick up this magazine and read this. WOW. So if you are so inclined, visit GH on their FB page to continue to remind them of their pop-quiz that failed us or write a letter to GH at ghletters@goodhousekeeping.com. 

Reflection and a look ahead

I look back on this last year and think of how happy it has made me to have Rest In Hope in my life. It seems like it has always been there. It has. Really!

New friends

New communities

New bonds

Enlightenment  

Encouragement

Inspiration

Love

[the first picture I posted to Rest In Hope]

For the next year, 2012. There are many words and one most often used by me is HOPE.

Change

Ideas

Goals

Determination

Love

There are so many things I want to accomplish this next year with Rest In Hope and in my personal life. But they are intertwined and one can not exist without the other. Our family's main goal is to move back East. Texas is hot nice but we have family back there we haven't seen in almost 3 years now. Most importantly to me, my Daddy and my baby's grave are in VA. Some where close enough that we can have long weekend visits and spend time together again. Some where that we can call home and put down permanent roots. Especially for Matthew. He deserves that! A house to grow old in and have fellowship in. We have missed that. 

Facebook and this blog allow us to be anywhere and still be close to you, what a blessing. Oh and blog makeover coming sometime soon courtesy of Fran from Small Bird Studios. Time to step up the blog a bit too. I'd like to share with y'all my artsy side. I'm sure you've seen the rosaries and prayer beads I make but that is just one part of my passion for creativity. The FB page does not feel like the right place to do that unless it is loss related and I think it may help someone on their journey so I'll be using the blog for sharing other sides of me to you. 

[My babies]

We need a little goofy fun and laughter around here

After the last 3 weeks or so I can really go for some fun. Most of the last two days have been about reading blogs and tutorials. Are you on Pinterest? OMG you just have to be, it is seriously the best thing in the whole wide world these days. It is addicting though so don't say I didn't warn you. If you haven't joined yet, you will need an invite from a member and I have plenty so just leave a comment with the email address you want your invite sent to.

Ok, so today I found this really cool, really inexpensive, really quick tutorial for gloves that you can wear while using your iPad/iPhone. No doubt you've already noticed last winter that your touch screen wouldn't work with gloves on and taking the gloves off to work the pad well maybe wasn't worth the cold fingers. This is so cool, check it out.

Let's get our smile back!!

Joy's Hope: What's in a name?

Joy's Hope: What's in a name?

Want to read about an incredible testimony to the grace of God, loss and living through grief, and a great great love. Don't miss it.

Saying goodbye...for now

Sixteen years ago today...was the day of my daughter's burial. No parent should ever have to say those words. There is not a whole lot I remember about this day. I wasn't on the meds anymore so I guess it has been stuck deep into my mind where it can not hurt me. Somehow the not remembering seems just as bad as the remembering. I didn't know what to wear. What do you wear to your child's funeral? I had just bought a maternity dress, just a little pull over type jumper. It was a dark navy plaid. That's what I wore. We pulled up to the grave site and I saw my cousin there. He is the only person I remember seeing there. Of course there were more family present but it seems like a big crowd of people with empty faces. The priest began to speak and the only thing I recall was him saying that my baby girl had gone to Heaven but not as an angel but as a Saint and that I would be with her again someday. That's it. The whole service, that's all I got. One cousin and one comment.

Tomorrow I will be reflecting back on Bailey's life and death. What she brought to our family and how she has changed my life. <3 Bailey Noel Desjarlais <3

Numb and just going through the motions

November 3, 1995...It was my first full day at home. Hubby had set up the sofa bed for me. He was afraid he would hurt me if I slept in bed with him. I was to be in bed except for going to the bathroom so setting up the bed in the living room helped to pass the time with TV. Although I don't remember watching TV at all. I remember sleeping, I remember not being able to get out of the bed to go to the bathroom, I remember crying myself to sleep, and I remember the nurse coming by to check my BP throughout the day. We had a small viewing at a funeral home that donated their services and the casket. Well I say it was small. Truth is I don't really remember who was there. There were people coming in and out and it seems they were all strangers. I can recall seeing Bailey all dolled up in her little dress Nana had picked out for her. I found a small teddy bear that was special to me as a little girl and I placed it with her. I think I remember being strong but I think looking back it was more numbness. Just going through the motions almost like it wasn't me or my life.

 The nurse came by I think three times that day. The last time she told hubby that my BP was still really high and she would be back early the next morning to check me again. She mentioned that my BP had to be down in the morning or there would be some question about me attending the funeral service. HA ya right lady!

A decision no parent should ever have to make

November 1,1995...I woke up in the hospital with an incredible peace. I couldn't explain it really. The hubby had come in to see me before going to the NICU. As he sat in the chair with his head down, I remember walking over to him and placing my hand on his shoulder and saying to him, "I think we'll have to make a decision today." What really strikes me about this was that I have hardly any memory of what happened the day before but somehow I just knew the time was coming for us to say good-bye. He went to the NICU and got a report from the Drs. It wasn't good. Bailey had been suffering through everything I had suffered through. Kidney failure, liver failure, high blood pressure, risk of stroke, risk of heart attack, and more. One other thing that to this day hurts to think about. The vent that was helping her to breathe was ripping her little lungs. The lungs were still too premature and could not handle the pressure of the machine. It was time. It was time to let the Drs take her off the machine and let her go. They gathered me up and took me to see her. We arranged for the chaplain at the hospital to baptize her and I held her hand as he did. The nurses dressed her in the cutest little handmade items. Although all of them were way too big, she still looked so precious. They took us to the 'Quiet Room'. A room where families could say good-bye to their child away from the rest of the NICU. We called my Dad to come from work and hubby's Mom came too. I asked my Mom to call a close friend of ours, a man, that could be there for my hubby. He came right over, no hesitation as to what he might see just got the call and came. I still love him dearly for that. I'm not sure how long we spent in the room, doesn't seem like it was long enough now. We took pictures as each person got to hold her and say good-bye. She would jump and take a breath when the flash went off and I remember asking the Dr why couldn't that be some kind of treatment for her. He looked at me with such a look. It was sadness and despair because he knew I was grasping for something to help my baby. A nurse came in the room and took my BP, it was well over 200 and she ordered me back to my room. I left there that moment being the last time I would see my daughter alive. My Mom held her and talked to her and rocked her until she passed.

November 2, 1995...I was released from the hospital. The Dr came in with a long list of papers to go over, my 'orders' for going home. He drilled me on the fact that I had had an emergency c-section and that even though my belly had been cut in the typical way, my uterus had not been. My uterus had been sliced right down the middle North to South and they considered this a 'criss-cross' section. I was to inform any Dr in my future of my criss-cross and they would know that meant that I was not allowed to endure contractions because it could rip. YES yes yes whatever, like I'm ever getting pregnant again I thought as he rambled on. I was going to have a nurse that would visit me several times a day to check my BP. Then it was time to leave. I got in the wheelchair with my sneeze pillow on my lap and holding a balloon that read It's A Girl! As soon as we entered the hallway  I lost it. I couldn't help but thinking of how wrong this was. How I should be carrying my baby home with me. As we went through the lobby I watched as people looked at my balloon and how their faces changed from joy to sorrow after they looked into my eyes. They knew. They knew I was leaving the hospital with empty arms.

A baby was born

I apologize for not continuing yesterday. I wanted so badly to celebrate her short life but my heart was so sad. No matter how long it has been, there will always be certain days that you feel sad. Yesterday was one of those days and I gave myself permission to be sad.

Oct 30, 1995...Like I said before, I do not remember a lot of what was going on. They said they had to stabilize me before the c-section could take place and I guess that's what they did with the medication. At one point they came in to give me my spinal. It seemed to take forever and was told later that he had to do it twice. If I had to guess, it was because of the size of the needle. {They had to do it twice with Matthew also because they needed a smaller needle.} I really don't remember anything after that. Next memory was being in my room. My bed was next to a window. I know I had visitors. I remember telling one of them Happy Birthday. My Mom had arrived from FL but I don't remember ever seeing her. However, later that night I had problems breathing and asked if I could call my Mom and actually dialed the phone to my grandmother's house and asked my Mom to come to the hospital. She came and spent the night.

Sixteen years ago today...What really really stings about this day is that I saw Bailey for the very first time and I have no recollection of it. Part of me thinks, how is that possible that a mother doesn't remember meeting her daughter for the first time but the more rational part knows how much medication I was on and that she is not the only thing I don't remember. The memories I have of being with her and holding her I thought was Tues but after looking at the pictures I realized that the memories I have are of Wed. So basically I have no memory of Tues at all. Oh wait, I think I do have a memory of Tues. The nurse had come in with a breast-feeding machine for me to pump for her and that would have been Tues. Yes they made me pump so at some point I'm guessing they thought she would be ok, otherwise my would they make me pump and have my milk come in only to have to lose her and deal with that whole issue. What an awful and painful reminder of what your baby should be doing. My body, the same body that turned against her and betrayed me was now producing milk to feed her. WOW!

Seizures and all

Sixteen years ago today...it was Sunday morning and hubby woke me up when he got up. He asked me why I was sleeping on the sofa again. I told him about everything and about calling the hospital. He was a bit peeved that I felt the need to call the hospital but not wake him up. He needed to sleep. He worked out of town Mon-Fri and had roughly 2 days to catch up on sleep and do any paper work and laundry and anything else to get ready to leave again Monday morning. I felt like crap!! I felt like I was going to get sick and I did several times. Well you know those dry-heaves you get first thing in the morning. We decided to call my Dr and tell him what was going on. I called the service and he called me back a little later. I explained the breathing, the headaches, the 'heartburn', now the vomiting, little fever, and just all around icky-ness. He said it sounded like I might have a stomach bug or virus. I should drink as much water as I could stand and stay on a liquid diet for the day, and if I started feeling a little better to have some plain rice or bread. He also said to call the office first thing Monday morning and tell them to get me in. I laid around all day with the hubby feeding me water and jello trying to keep as much down as possible. The afternoon rolled around and we would normally be going to our bowling league. It was our only little fun time since hubby's schedule was so bad, and our only time to see other friends and get out for a while. I decided not to go to bowling, I was exhausted and figured I would just lay on the sofa, doze and watch TV. He went on to bowling and came home a few hours later. I had been sleeping so he asked how I was feeling and then went upstairs to our loft area to get on the computer for a while. We had vaulted ceilings in the living area and the loft overlooked the whole living room. I was laying on the sofa watching TV, QVC to be exact, jewelry to be even more specific. I was on my back, propped up a little with my head turned all the way to the left to see the TV. My head turned to the right, all by itself! I kinda thought to myself that that was weird and I turned my head back to the left. It happened again and again I got a little aggravated and turned my head back. And again!! I remember saying Travis make it stop!! At that moment, I think I had what I can only explain as an out of body experience. Physically I had not moved but mentally I was laying the opposite direction on the sofa like my head was where my feet were. I was looking up at the loft and saw hubby look over. The next thing I remember was some woman screaming in my face to wake up. I opened my eyes and saw a strange person and closed them again. She started yelling at me again to open my eyes. The next thing I remember was going through the front door, the cold air hit me in the face and made me open my eyes. There were red beams of light swirling around from the ambulance. They were putting me in when I heard the man in the back say on the radio "25 year old female with grand mal seizures".

I woke up in the hospital. The room was cold, it was dark, and it was quiet. I remember my hubby coming in and I asked him to call my Dad. Amazingly enough, I rattled off the phone numbers of my best friend, my Dad that lived in NC and my Mom that lived in FL. I couldn't do that now, that's what my phone is for right?! I remember the Dr coming in and doing an US and telling me I had Eclampsia. The only cure was to deliver the baby so that I could get well again. By this time they had already put me on Magnesium and I was in and out of consciousness for the next 2 days.

They decided to transfer me to another hospital where the children's hospital was located so that Bailey could be taken right away to be attended to. I do remember the ambulance ride UGH. Let's just say ambulances are not the most comfortable of rides anyway but on the streets of downtown Norfolk, well it was bumpy!! When we came in through the ER I saw my best friend standing there waiting for me, she was crying so hard. I remember telling her not to cry. The next few hours were a big blur, just little memories here and there.

What is happening to me?

Sixteen years ago today...I had fallen back asleep Friday night on the sofa only to wake up just a while later with an awful headache. I decided to get up and grab some medicine and  maybe work on the checkbook. I know, not something someone with a headache would normally do but I have always been a little anal about my checkbook, even before my banking days. I sat at the dining table trying to look at the receipts and numbers, my head was hurting so bad. I had always had headaches growing up and a few years before I got pregnant I started having migraines. This was the worst headache pain ever, worse than any migraine and different. The light wasn't really bothering my eyes and the sound of the TV wasn't bothering me either like normal. It just felt like someone had taken a baseball bat and hit me upside the back of my head. I got up and went outside. It was chilly for the end of October in VA. I went and laid back down on the sofa and nodded off again. Hubby woke me up Saturday morning and I told him about not being able to breathe again and then the headache later. I took some Tylenol and went to bed. I napped on and off all day but I felt terrible. I didn't eat much. I didn't really feel sick to my stomach just icky like nothing seemed good to eat. I still had a mild headache and the breathing was still bothering me but we got through the day just lazing around and went to bed fairly early for a Saturday night. Again, I woke up trying to catch my breath and with really bad 'heartburn'. My head was still hurting so I got some medicine and laid down of the sofa. I had taken Tums but it didn't seem to help, then I realized that the Tylenol had eased my headache and my 'heartburn'. I was starting to get really freaked out. All of this was not normal, I didn't think these breathing issues happened until very late in the pregnancy but the icky feeling, the really bad headaches, and everything together prompted me to call the hospital. I talked to the triage nurse in L&D and told her what was going on. I told her the Tylenol made my 'heartburn' go away and her response was Hmmm. She asked me if I had felt the baby move and I said I really had not paid attention. She told me to drink a big glass of water and relax and try to feel the baby. If I didn't feel the baby move to come right to the ER and if I did, well then it was up to me to come in or wait til Sunday morning. I got off the phone, drank my water and relaxed. There she was, my Bailey girl doing flips just like normal. I thought about it and figured since she seemed to be ok, I would let hubby sleep and call my Dr Sunday morning. I went on back to sleep for the rest of the night.

Sixteen years ago today...

Sixteen years ago today...I got up early to go to the Drs office to talk to the NP about my weight gain. Deep down, I knew something was wrong. I had been reading the books, I knew this wasn't normal and I knew my body and it was telling me there was something wrong. I had been wearing a pair of Keds shoes that I bought out of desperation one day. They were a size larger than normal and I took out all of the laces to get my feet in them. I had been wearing them for close to 2 months. Everyone kept saying that swelling was normal in pregnancy. I was still wearing my regular pants that had elastic waists. I had purchased 2 maternity tops but nothing else. I get to the Drs office and they take me to a little consultation room. The NP comes in and asks me why I'm there. I explained to her about my weight gain and swelling. She told me it was very important to eat healthy during this time and that I should avoid foods that were processed and had lots of sodium. She gave me two brochures with a list of what to eat and what not to eat and a brochure listing sodium in foods that you might not expect. I sat there not knowing what else to say, just shaking my head and thinking I was must look stupid to them. One of those first time Mom types that over worries about everything. She weighed me; I had gained. She checked my BP; it was borderline where it had hovered around the 125/68 mark. I had +1 pitting edema and a trace of protein in my urine. I was sent home. It was Friday so there was no need to call the hubby, he was on the way home. I went home and laid down for a while and tried to ease my mind. Later, I picked hubby up from the airport, we went to dinner and I told him all about the appointment. We both just wondered what was going on and if we were crazy. I woke up later that night not being able to breathe and had to go prop up on the sofa, I finally fell back to sleep.

I will not be doing the 31 Days Challenge for the rest of the month. I may catch it up but for now, this is more therapeutic for me.

It's getting a little closer

I have really been trying to keep busy this week. Yesterday and today {probably the rest of the week} I've been working on a little project. It's seeming to be a little tough but that's how things are when you don't know what you're doing. LOL Trying to teach myself a new skill and just getting a little frustrated I'm not picking it up faster. I'll get it though, I know I will. It's important to me so I'll make it happen.

From today until the end of next week I will be 'counting down the days'.

Sixteen years ago today...Travis was out of town on business like he was every week. I jumped on the scale and checked my weight, I was obsessed. Not because I was thin and scared to gain too much weight or I was heavy and scared for the same reason but because I was gaining weight at an alarming rate and would get on the scale several times a day to check it. Let's face it, I was overweight when I had Bailey but the gaining weight never bothered me. My frame of mind was centered on eating healthy and making sure the baby grew like she was supposed to. I was not over-indulging on sweets and that stuff. I did not want to get GD and I knew that could be an issue since I already carried more weight when I got pregnant. But soon enough at my Dr appts I was getting the lecture on how much weight I should gain and how I shouldn't gain too much because I was already overweight. One appt in particular I was told that when my hubby and I went to Wendy's, I should get the salad bar and let my hubby get the burger and fries. REALLY! I left that place in tears. She didn't care what I was telling her, She assumed from looking at me that I was making bad choices. Oh, and yes, Wendy's did use to have a salad bar. So back to the 26th, I had gained more weight and was so upset. I called the Drs office and tried to get in to see someone. Of course the Drs were all booked up but I could come in the next morning to see the Nurse Practitioner if I really thought I needed to. Well, YES, that's why I'm calling you!! Cont' on the 27th.

Day 25: On birthdays, diagnosis days and angelversaries, how do you handle them?
I do my best to keep calm and let the day happen. Sometimes I make plans so I know I'll have to get out of the house and plans that I know will keep me busy so that my mind doesn't have time to settle into a dark place. I try to make them all celebrations of life now and not focus on the bad. Sometimes harder than others, especially Bailey's week. But in the end, it is all about life, the life of my sweet children.

Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10, rate your day today and why.
Well today I think I'm at about a 7. It's not a bad day and I have a lot on my plate so that is helping.

Catching up

The purpose of blogging daily in October was to put my feelings to paper, well you know. This weekend was kinda strange. I was really excited to spend a weekend by myself with the boys at a cub scout camp. Just me and the kitties and all the quiet I could handle. Friday night was wonderful but come Saturday I started feeling a little rough. Taking a little nap, making some chili, watching the baseball game and then going to bed early. The boys came home early yesterday morning and it quickly turned into a nappy kind of a Sunday. So here I am catching up on the last few days. Really, minus the sickness, it was a good weekend. I am grateful for that since I can't know what exactly this next weekend will hold for me. The hubby is working all weekend so where I would normally retreat to my bed and sleep it off, I have to be up and present to care for my son. Maybe that is my blessing. Forcing to live in the present and not the past. Enjoying what is here with me instead of wishing for what I can never get back. So let's answer three days of challenge questions and start this week off.

Day 22: Do you have a song(s) that make you think of your children?
There are lots of songs that make me think of them or just Heaven in general and what the day will be like when I get there. But the song that touches me the most and for the longest I guess is "Fly" by Celine Dion.

Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
I've always said I would have tried to do more in making the Drs understand that something was wrong. I know I did all I could do; I told them something wasn't right, I made special appointments to check on everything, even forcing them to see me two days before my seizure and they still missed it. I would have made them keep her in me until they could strengthen her lungs no matter what it did to me. That wasn't even an option. After the seizure I was kept heavily medicated to keep from having more seizures so I was completely out of it. To this day, I don't remember everything that happened for days and days afterward. I don't even remember all of the funeral. I'm not sure if that was a product of the medication and my high BP or just a defense mechanism. I guess I will never know.

Day 24: On birthdays, diagnosis days, anniversaries of passing; do you prepare for them?
I prepare! I prepare to celebrate their lives, I prepare to feel sad, I prepare to feel angry, I prepare to love them just a little more on their special day. Anything and everything, I try to prepare! I'm a planner kinda person so preparing is important to me. Of course the best planning can not always prepare you for what grief has up it's sleeve. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.

Laboring

I was scrolling through some of my favorite bloggers on FB this morning and came across a post by House of Smiths. Shelley is participating in a series of articles for MillionMomsChallenge.com. Of course when she mentioned there was a contest involved I jumped at the chance to read her essay and respond. When I opened the link I noticed the topic was Labor. Shelley goes on to talk about her labor and delivery of her 3rd child and how different it was from her first L&D with her twins. So I get to the end where you respond to a question for a chance to win some really great prizes and the question is "What went through your mind when you held your baby for the first time?". Hmmm, I don't think I want to put a damper on such a lovely article with my first hand account of holding Bailey. And maybe that's just for us anyway. So I responded with, "I had my rainbow baby by scheduled c-section so I too had to wait for the meds and vomiting to wear off but finally, I got my moment. The first time I saw my son in my arms, I cried quietly as I looked into his eyes and thanked the 2 that had come and gone before him for his safe arrival." 


Day 21:  Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?
Bailey was a little fighter. She was under developed as we had both been sick for several weeks.  She was so small. Although I had her at 26wks she was by all accounts a 24-weeker at best.  She fought hard for 2 days but finally a decision had to be made to end her suffering.  Now understand that I believe at no point while she was on Earth did she suffer in the way that we as adults understand pain and agony. I believe she was shielded by the hand of God who protected her from that pain. However, after two days of being on the ventilator her lungs were starting to tear and rip. It didn't feel right for her to have to go through that just to be here for me and my hubby. It agonized me! So when I think of how hard she fought to be here so that I, who was on heavy medication and not able to be with her, could be well enough to be wheeled over to the NICU to finally meet my daughter -- that makes me smile! She did that for me.  She hung on for me. She is my hero.

10 more days

10 more days!

That's it, just 10 more until my beautiful baby girl is 16! This would be the part where I freak out and think how could it be that I last held you 16 years ago. Sometimes it just feels like yesterday. There may be 10 more days til her birthday but no matter how hard I try I can't help but start counting down the 27th. You see that's when it all started to go downhill. From pleading with the Drs that something was just not right to her being taken from me by emergency c-section while I was so doped up Mag that I hardly knew where or who I was. That's where another countdown begins but I can't focus on that one just yet.

I think I relive these days each year partly as a reminder to what happened. So I'll never forget! Going through her story in my mind each year, accounting what happened to the both of us so it stays with me until the day I die. Just the thought of next week makes me anxious and emotional but I have to do it, I have to remember all that I can so I will never forget!

Day 20: If you have anger, what are you most angry about?
Well since you brought it up! I am most angry about how the Drs cared for me. I hated that I had to see each Dr in the practice "just in case". Whatever, I have never been uptight about Drs and the way I looked at it, when the time came and I was in labor, I didn't much care who was down there as long as they delivered my baby safely. For months I was criticized about my weight even so far as being told to get the salad bar and let my husband get the hamburger and fries. I repeatedly told them that I was not eating unhealthy foods, I was not binging all night long, I was still wearing non-maternity clothes, nobody listened! This goes along with the countdown I referred to earlier so I'll save part of this for a post next week. The main point is that I was overlooked because they were not thinking outside of the box. When will Drs learn that not everyone fits into that little package the medical books teach them about. Yes I have a 3rd trimester disease in the 2nd trimester.

Happiest memory?

Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?
My happiest memory, hmmmmmm, um well. That's hard. Feeling Bailey kick around inside was probably my happiest moment. We just didn't that many moments together that were happy. Of course finding out I was pregnant and telling everyone was fun but feeling her movements was mostly between me and her and it made me very happy.

Day 18 and an update

Ok, update first. The package got to my friend in Virginia yesterday. She says she can't wait for her little one to "wear them out" in the next two weeks. That makes my heart happy. I still miss them a little bit, only because I can't go into the next room and pull them out whenever I feel the need. Truth be told, they made me a little sad doing that. So really this is a win-win!! Sometimes, no matter how much it hurts, you have to make that leap, do what your heart knows is right so that you can move forward and make progress in your grief. Yes, I still do that.

Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?
Quite possibly TIME has done that. After years of begging, wishing, praying, hoping things could be different, a peace comes over you. You realize nothing is going to change, nothing is going to bring your baby back to your arms and so peace takes over where bitterness used to live. Doing those little things to move forward brings a peace in itself. I believe in God! I believe in a God that scoops little children and babies up in His arms and holds them for me until I can get there. The best babysitter in the whole wide world...and beyond. His love for me and my children and the promise of eternity gives me a peace that really nothing else can touch.

Once you find peace, even a little bit of it, a weight is lifted. You see a light that has not been there in a long long time. There will still be dark times and bad days but the peace in your heart helps you to move past those times more quickly. Don't rush your journey, follow the grief path, but please strive for peace. Don't settle for heartache; find the light, find the peace.

Recap the 15th and Days 16 & 17 Challenge

WOW! Saturday was a beautiful day here in TX. Travis and I got our stuff together and headed off to the Candlelight Vigil with camera in hand. There were some members of the support group I attend there and I was fortunate to meet a few other very nice people. It was a wonderful turn out with a little more than 100 people there. I think that was a great turn out considering Texarkana's Walk for the Cure was the same day. They had a beautiful candle table set up and allowed people to bring pictures or mementos to sit on the table as well. It was very touching.

Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?
I do take time for myself. In the beginning it was best to keep as busy as possible to keep my mind from wandering. Nowadays I probably have a little too much time to myself during the day but I consider that a blessing. It's nice to have the quiet time available if you are having a bad day or just need a good cry.

Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?
Of course!! I feel them all the time. When I get those little messages from Heaven I know it is them saying Hello. Sometimes it's just that little voice in your head that tells you to do something that maybe you wouldn't otherwise do. I consider that my angels. Maybe that little muse that gives me an idea for a design, that is my angels too. They are always with me!

A Day to Remember and Unite in Love

Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?
We are having a candlelight vigil in our town this evening. I am so excited to get together with other families to celebrate the lives of our precious babies. This is the first time I have participated in one of these PAILRD events. I can't wait to light my candle for my babies and the babies of friends and hold it high to the sky so all the babies in Heaven can see them. I'm sure it will be a beautiful and touching sight.

Day 14

Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angels?
It has always been very important for me to collect things that remind me of them. Especially now that I am part of such a great community of BLMs on FB it is much easier to do. There are soo many talented people out there and I try to support them as much as possible. 1) because they understand what I'm going through and how a little something for my angel makes me feel and 2) most of them give back into the community in the way of memory boxes, care packages, etc. My babies will never draw me a picture for my frig so instead I make/buy something that reminds me of something they may have created. Never gets old.

The post office and Halloween tears

I had to get to the PO today. I had been putting it off for a little while because of our little trip we had to make to NW Arkansas over the long weekend and everybody feeling a little run down when we got back. I had to mail off some pretty little prayers beads won in Sophee's Trisomy Auction and so they are on their way to Alabama right now. That doesn't sound too terrible does it? Here's where the tears come in. When I first found out I was pregnant with Christian in Sept of 2005 I went out and bought cute little Halloween outfits for the following year. Little 3-month outfits that he could wear for Halloween and the days preceding. Well I've been toting these outfits around from place to place for the last 6 years. Let's see, we have moved 4 times since I lost him. They just keep getting packed up. Well I came across them again last week and decided it was time to let them get used for what they were intended for not to be a place taker in a box with other Halloween stuff. I have a friend in VA that recently had a baby and she recently had 2 grand-babies as well. Yes, I'm at that age where friends are old enough to have grown children but not too old to have their own still. I found a box and folded them gently and placed them in. The box was one that had been used in the move and had writing on the front. I didn't want to have to try to cover up all the writing so I figured a needed a new box. I put the old box on the floor and began to cry. My hubby asked if I was crying over a box. I said No, about what's in the box. I thought it would be easier to let them go. So I decided to just pay the extra money for the flat rate box at the PO and send them that way. We get to the PO and the prices on the flat rate boxes had gone up uh $3! I was ticked, I did not plan on spending that much. So the tears came again. Hubby looked at me and said just use the flat rate box and don't worry about the extra money. You see, he knew if those outfits came back home with me to find another box, then they would not be leaving again. He folded the box for me and I put them in and he sealed it up. It was done. I have to say, I'm still regretting it just a tad. Even now, I have tears for those outfits. There was no reason for me to keep them but somehow they kept me connected to Christian. I took a couple of really bad pics with the camera phone before we left so at least I can remember what they look like, forever!

Days 12 & 13 of the 31 Days Challenge

It's never too late to jump into the Challenge.


Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?
My family has been really great when it comes to remembering Bailey. Many many extended family members will visit her grave for me and leave flowers or just go by and visit to make sure everything is ok. The miscarriages are far less talked about and I would expect that since You know they just don't seem "real" to other people. It's hard for other people to wrap their heads around a loss (especially an early loss) that they never got to experience. In both cases, I had miscarried before my family ever even knew I was pregnant so I understand.

Day 13: Does anyone else besides you speak your child's name?
Yes. My Mom and Dad are very open about Bailey and of course my husband talks about them as well. The same family that help with Bailey's grave speak of her as well. Really though, the only place I can count on people not being afraid to talk about them is in the BLM community. Other BLMs understand the need to talk about our children and therefore are not afraid to mention them by name. I lovingly refer to my babies as my ABCs and there are others that will refer to them that way also. I love it!! All three at once.

Days 10 & 11

We had to make a kind of impromptu trip out of town Sunday and came back last evening. More than 10hours of driving for just an over-nite visit but it was worth it.

Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?
Matthew is my rainbow. As I mentioned before, we have always told him about Bailey. He was 4 almost 5 when I lost Christian and just kinda knew that 'the baby' had gone to Heaven and would not be able to grow in my tummy and stay with us. That Christian was with Bailey and they were playing. When I finally came to terms with losing Alyssa so long ago, we sat down and talked about that as well. That what happened to Christian is what happened to Alyssa and that all of his siblings live with Jesus. He is quite open about it all, if any of his friends ask if he has siblings, he is more than willing to tell them that they live in Heaven.

Day 11: It is said that Mothers and Fathers grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angels' father?
I think so. As far as the miscarriages, it is definitely true for us. I know that he still grieves the missed opportunities and the dreams that won't be realized but he never got to 'connect' with them the way I did. He misses them and loves them but it's just a little different for him. With Bailey, he probably spent more time with her than I did. That's a good thing. After she passed his reaction was to go straight to denial and put anything and everything that reminded him of her out of his mind. Unfortunately, that meant me too for a while. I reminded him of her when he just wanted to forget. He soon realized that he could never forget nor did he really want to and I was not a reminder of what he had lost but of what I had given him. I believe there is nothing else that can bring a man to his knees in despair then the death of his child.

Ooops Days 8 & 9

What I thought was going to be a nice quiet weekend has turned a little busy but a good busy. Catching up from yesterday though, here goes.

Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?
I definitely have more good days than bad. Of course, there is always something that brings you back to that bad place but thankfully even the bad place is much shorter lived. Of course, my journey is further along than many. Bailey, where my journey really began, will be 16 in just 21 more days. Reading a friend's blog yesterday, I was reminded that healing is a choice. It really is an effort on your part to move past the pain and move toward peace. There will always be circumstances that bring you back to the depths but with continued faith, you can fight your way back much quicker. That being said, 3 weeks away from by baby's birthday brings me back to holding her in my arms and the continued effort to remember that feeling. To never forget it!

Day 9: If you have other children, how has your loss affected them? If you don't have other children, how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
I will answer both parts because when we had Bailey we had no other children. That loss was very significant in our marriage. Of course we lost our child, we were devastated. Our marriage suffered, trying to escape each other was a way to distance the pain of losing her. That didn't really work. It was difficult for a long time and for a while there, I was really unsure we would survive. Ultimately we came together, grieved together, and stayed together. This year we celebrated 21 years together, 17 years married.
We always talked to Matthew about Bailey. I firmly believe she was there with him until he was born and given to us. She protected him and I feel like on some level he knew her. From the very beginning we would take him to the cemetery with us and when he was old enough, it became his job to pick out the flowers. Sometimes they weren't the prettiest flowers but that was what he wanted for her, so it was perfect. He would go to a restaurant and get a balloon and get others for his siblings and send them off to Heaven when we got out of the restaurant. He is a special, sensitive boy and to me that is all thanks to the guidance he receives from up above.

In honor of their memory, with love.

Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s) if so what?

At the beginning of this year, I introduced Rest In Hope to Facebook and the world. After Bailey was born and we knew that time was not on our side, plans had to be made. Plans for a casket, a viewing, a graveside service,  a bronze marker, flowers, a little outfit, what I wanted her to take with her. All kinds of plans. Most of those plans were made without me by family members. My Mom and Dad donated their cemetery plots, my Father-in -law found a funeral home that would donate the casket and viewing, his priest would perform her service. My Mom bought her a beautiful gown. Travis and I picked out her marker, bronze guardian angel marker with a vase on a beautiful granite slab. It was expensive even with the donations and luckily we could take care of it for her. Within a week the multiple hospital, multiple doctor, ambulance, and other bills came rolling in. I remember sitting at the table thinking how could anyone expect you to pay for the birth of your child while you're paying for the burial at the same time. It seemed cruel! That was the day Rest In Hope was born, nearly 16 years ago, with the thought of doing whatever I could to lessen the burden to others that had to go through this as well. After 9 months, we have donated cash for burial services, donated/purchased from BLM causes, donated cash for disaster relief, and donated rosaries and prayer beads to various online auctions that benefit the BLM community. I always wish it could be more and someday it will be but for now things are slowly moving along and that's ok. Everything I do in regards to Rest In Hope is with the deepest love and appreciation to my babies that left me far too soon but left me with a desire to help others and make a difference in the life of someone else.

Stay tuned for a little something else coming in the very near future.

Oh, Is he your only child?

Today's prompt in the 31 Days Challenge is

Day 6: How do you answer the question how many children do you have?
Well this is always a tricky one. For me, it really depends on whose asking, the situation, or maybe even the reason they may be asking. I have never felt like I was denying the other children if I answered I only have the one. They know I love them and I firmly believe they understand the circumstances of why I answer that way. Most always if it is a complete stranger I will say Matthew is the only child I have. Actually, that's not a fib, he is the only one I HAVE, the others live with Jesus. One time there was a snotty lady who assumed that Matthew was an only child and made a rude comment about me not understanding what is was like to have more than more kid. So I preceded to tell her that I would know but God chose to take care of my other children in Heaven so ya she was probably right. Now I don't really condone using your angels as a weapon but the look on her face was priceless. The only other time I can remember that someone was rude to me was right after Bailey was born. Well my first Mother's Day after her. My hubby and I sat in a restaurant having a breakfast when a waitress came out from the back with a bucket of carnations. She walked around to all the tables with kids at them and gave the Mom a flower. My hubby asked her if I could have a flower as she was about to pass me by. She turned around, looked me squarely in the eye and asked me where my kids were. WHAT? REALLY? There could have been a million reasons why my children were not at breakfast with me but she assumed that the only Moms in the room had children with them. I looked right back at her and told her my child died but I was still her mother. The color drained right from her face and she gave me a flower. Needless to say, the next conversation was with the manager. Sometimes I just don't feel like getting into the conversation that accompanies my answer. If I'm having a bad day, I've thought of them countless times and don't really need to be questioned about what happened. So ya, kinda depends on the situation.

When you least expect it...BAM!

It doesn't seem to matter where you are in your grief journey, when you least expect it that little something comes along to make you burst into tears. Early on, just seeing Bailey's name would send me down but as the years went on, I took that as a sign from her that she's there. Her little reminder to me. It makes me smile to see their names now, to here them in other's conversations, or read about someone with the same name. But every now and again, there's something that just strikes a chord at the wrong time and WHAMMO! Late last night I was staying up with the hubby trying to catch up on some DVR stuff. We sat down to watch Dancing With The Stars. Ok, you know fun stuff right?! No heavy dramatics just a bunch of people trying to learn dances and most of the time some good music too. Well last night Monday night was story telling night. Everyone had to think of an important year in their life, a time when there was change, or heartache, or inspiration. I knew it was going to be an emotional show right then but I wasn't prepared for one of the dancers to talk about having to deliver her twins early due to pulmonary edema. Oh then came the pictures of her very tiny preemie daughter that brought back so many memories of my little NICU girl. Happily her little girl survived as did her twin and they are very healthy almost 4yr olds. Happy endings are great, I didn't get that.

Oddly, the 31 Days Challenge is very closely related, ha!! I just went to look at today's prompt and found
Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminders of your angels and if so what are they?
Like I said before, hearing, or seeing, or reading their names always brightens my days now. Also, little butterflies and little dragonflies make me smile as I picture my babies riding along on the the wings whispering Hello Mommy as they buzz by my head. When I'm being creative, I often feel them sitting on my shoulder as my muse giving me inspiration and guiding me. Sometimes, it's just a little thought that pops in my head seeming to come from nowhere. Angel whispers are wonderful things.

When I thought I had enough on my plate...

Had some surprises yesterday. Not of the baby type but definitely of the grief type. There was a bit of an altercation with an old friend this past week and I found out a few days ago that she had de-friended me. I was hurt just because it seemed like there was no communication and I felt she was a close close friend. Yesterday I was DF'd by two mutual friends that I also considered good friends. My mind was reeling with what felt like betrayal and the lack of communication. Obviously the love I felt for them was one-sided and that is always hard to find out. In the end I have realized that a couple of us had very different opinions on things and I'm not at all sure that part of their leaving was that I often mention my babies on my FB page. I realized that the loss of a friend even on FB is a loss and where it is nothing like losing my child, I still feel a sense of loss over the relationship. So even a little bit of grief for the little losses really magnifies the bigger ones. I was feeling sad for losing a friendship that I cherished and at the same time sad that I would never have that loving relationship with my child. What some people easily throw away was something that I would nearly die to have with my child. If  it's true that they were somehow offended by me talking about MY children on MY page well then I have been given a great gift. I do not talk about my children to make other people uncomfortable, I talk about them because it is my right as their Mother!

So on a lighter note, let's continue to on our 31 Days challenge.

Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?
In the beginning, after losing Bailey, I would have to say just pure will. Not that I knew it at the time. I felt like I had no will to do anything. Obviously I made it through the most difficult days and on to better ones. Today, I would say the what keeps me going the most is 1) my son! and 2) wanting to live a life that makes my children {all of them} proud of me.

Day 3 and a challenge to boot

I saw a fellow BLM post this morning that she was going to be following a blog from a friend who has offered the 31 Days Blogging challenge for Mothers of Loss. I thought what a great idea especially since I am planning to blog everyday anyway. Now I have prompts to help me along the way. So it's Day 3 already and I'll need to play a little catch up.


Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or much as you want.
I am Stephanie. Mother to 4. Wife. Roman Catholic Christian. Creator of many things. 


Day 2: Tell us about your children. As much as you like. Names, Birthdays, Stats.
Alyssa Jane - miscarried in Dec of 1990 at 7wks
Bailey Noel - born by emergency c-section at 26wks due to my Eclampsia and                       HELLP Syndrome. She lived for two days in the NICU before my husband and I had to accept removing her from support. She was born October 30, 1995 weighing 440grams and passed November 1, 1995.
Matthew Ryan - My rainbow!! He was born a healthy 7lbs 2ozs on November 30, 2000 by repeat c-section after a very non-eventful pregnancy. 
Christian Erin - miscarried in Oct of 2005 very early on at about 5wks


Day 3: Through your grief process, who has been your "rock"?
Two people I would say. My husband and my Mom. Losing Bailey took a hefty toll on our marriage but we've worked it out and will be celebrating 18 years of marriage in April. My Mom was in FL when I got sick carrying Bailey. She flew right up and hardly ever left the hospital. My mom is the person who last held Bailey as she passed. I was made to go back to my room and could not stay with her so my Mom stayed with her. I appreciate my Mom for being there but it has always brought me so much grief that I couldn't be there for her in her last moments.


Ok, I'm all caught up. Hope you can join in too!

So far, so good

Of course it's only the 2nd of October but it's going ok so far. Yesterday went far better than I had ever thought it would. I think I had a harder time back in June/July when he would have actually turned 5 years old. And then again in August when he would have started Kindergarten. Yesterday was more of a day of remembrance and celebration. Loving his short short life and grateful I got just that little bit of time I did get.

He will be waiting for me and I will be glad to hold him.

October 1st - Christian's Day

As promised, today is the first day of my Blogging through the Pain in October posts. I am really hoping this daily expression will help me focus on the good throughout the month.

Happy 6th Celebration of Life to Christian Erin Desjarlais!! I posed the question as to what to call this day for Christian on our FB page this morning. Got some awesome responses so far. Like Christian's Lifeday! You see this is the last day I knew I was pregnant with him. It was early in my pregnancy and I had no expectations there would be anything wrong. I had a successful pregnancy with Matthew and expected the same. Within days of Oct 1st, I was spotting and on my way to miscarrying my little baby. It was a hard miscarriage {like there are any different kinds}that took the entire month to complete. Week after week of going to the hospital for blood tests and back home to wait the results.

I woke up cautiously optimistic about the month ahead and ready to embrace whatever is to come.

 So here we go!!

October....already!?

I can not believe October is just a couple of days away. I have to say that Fall has always been my favorite season. I can't explain it really but when I see all that orange and green and black and purple, oh and the reds and yellows too, it just makes me happy inside. I guess the way sunshine affects peoples moods so does Fall for me. October with Halloween has always been a favorite. When I was pregnant with Bailey I would think that she would be about 7mos old when Halloween rolled around and I could not wait to dress her up. Sadly she was born the day before Halloween that same year and there would be no playing dress up for us.

I'm preparing myself for October. I have decided that since my blogging has been almost scarce lately I would devote time everyday in the month of October to blog about my feelings, what the day has brought and how I am coping through this tough month. September was particularly hard for me this year and I'm not sure why. Maybe a combo of things going on medically and my brain telling my heart that it's almost time. As hard as I try, I can't help but relive moments that happened so long ago and I find myself counting down the days to Bailey's birth with anxiety.

It was a Day of Hope

August 19th  Day of Hope founded by CarlyMarie, a day to talk up them babies. Let the world know we will not be silenced and say our babies' names loud and proud. Thanks to social media like FB and the numerous community pages available, we are coming out of the shadows of taboo and reclaiming our lost children. What a wondrous thing. I think it's safe to say that many that have not experienced pregnancy/infant loss would still rather us grieve in private and never mention the names of our loved ones gone too soon. In all honesty, I believe that is because THEY are uncomfortable with it, THEY don't know what to say, say things THEY think would be comforting, but in the end,  would just have us be quiet and get over it so THEY will not be inconvenienced. Sorry to disappoint you! I will speak of my children, I will buy them mementos that remind me of them and wear/present them proudly and I will celebrate them everyday for the rest of my life. I will NOT deny my child!

October 15th will be here before we know it and we can do it all over again in mass support. Feel the love your child is giving you everyday and honor them with speaking their names openly.

Goodbye June

Wow, June has been a rough one for me. What makes it even worse is I didn't expect it at all. June is never been a particularly hard month before. I guess this year it was filled with missed milestones and that is what was making it hard.

I believe it was the 3rd that I was quiet and still and just thinking about random things when a thought entered my mind. Christian would be turning 5 this year, in June! I celebrate him in October on the 1st because October 1, 2005 was the last day I knew positively, without a doubt that I was pregnant with him. I calculated his due date to be in mid-July of 2006 and thought of how miserable I would be physically come July but I knew that he would be a scheduled c-section baby just as Matthew had been and that meant we were looking at mid to late June for our little baby to make his entrance. So suddenly, out of no where, I realized my little man would have been turning five and just burst into tears. He would be starting Kindergarten in the fall. I'm not sure how many people know this about me but I absolutely love to go school supply shopping. I loved school growing up, I loved shopping for my supplies and I still love it with Matthew. Matthew, especially at his current age, is not nearly as excited as I am to go play with pencils and glue. Oh the joys of taking a newbie to pick out lunchboxes and backpacks. I know we would have had a blast.

Of course that got me thinking about Alyssa and Bailey too. Alyssa is a little harder since I don't have exact dates for her but we call it Dec 1st and so she would have been a September baby just like her Momma and she would be 20 this year. Now Bailey, that's another story altogether. More tears, even now. She would have her learner's permit and be looking forward to getting her real license in October. Of course had she gone to term that would be February but she is the only one of my angel babies that has a birthday, a real birth date! October 30, 1995.

So many milestones this year. Memories that won't be captured on film, even if it is of the digital type. Lost cherished moments in time that I can only dream of. So, goodbye June!

In The Blink of an Eye

Seems as though lately I am reminded almost daily at how fragile life is. A recent newspaper report of a person killed while riding in the backseat of a car when a large stone thrown from a commercial lawnmower broke through the windshield striking them in the head and killing them instantly. A young high school graduate from my hometown who was driving to a church basketball game and was hit head on by a man driving on the wrong side of the road, both killed instantly. A very recent obituary of a 9-month old girl who fell from a standing position which caused a brain injury.

In the time it takes to even blink your eyes life can change in ways you would have never imagined. But as parents that have lost children, we understand this all too well. The child I was carrying so happily and carefree one day was being expelled by my very own body the next. My baby girl at 26wks and me looking forward to what the next year would hold for my family with First Halloween and First Christmas which weren't meant to be. Cautiously optimistic one moment and seizing the next. Realizing my fears were coming true and having to remove her breathing tube, and even in that moment not fully grasping the change happening in my life. My life was changed in the blink of an eye because of death but not only my daughter's but my own. I would never be the person I was the week before, the day before, or even the moment before she passed.

I am powerless in these moments of sadness. However I am always hopeful that the next blink of my eye will hold something simply amazing for me.

Change = Different

And some words of wisdom to carry you through (the last two ring true to me) ...

“The key to change is to let go of fear.”

 Rosanne Cash 

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

 Maria Robinson 

“Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted.”

Unknown

“Things do not change; we change.”

 Henry David Thoreau

“Change is the only constant”

 Proverb

“We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.”

 William Somerset Maugham

“The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.”

 Nathaniel Branden

The "Secret" Grief

I have not yet watched the next episode of "Secret Life" but I have pretty much decided that I am not going to comment on the upcoming scenes as the main characters deal with their grief. I was completely at ease talking about how I felt ABC dealt with the subject of baby loss last week. This week, I'm not sure that I can truly comment on something that is so personal to each and every one of us. I did see the very beginning of the show as it was coming on and my son was putting in the nightly Scooby Doo DVD. I heard that they had skipped ahead 2 months and the grief and anger were very present. How can I comment on how ABC decides to portray the tremendous grief of these characters? Who am I to say she should be through that stage by now? Why would I want to pressure anyone into feeling or not feeling anything more or less than what THEY need to feel for THEIR grief process? 


I tell people all the time that they need to do it their way, that there is no wrong or right way, only what is best for them. That is part of ridding the taboo, saying it is ok to grieve as long as you need to and not to get over it and move on. Heck, I may not watch this episode at all after the few minutes I have already seen. I would not want to find myself judging someone who is by all means a character in a TV show but could still represent thousands of women out there right now. 


Yep, pretty sure I've talked myself out of watching "Secret Life".  

The taboo is in the "Secret"

I promised I would blog about my feelings on ABC Family's "Secret Life..." episode that aired last night. SO here goes. Let's remember that what I will say is about how the show made me feel, about how I perceived the show and how I feel they tackled baby loss. That being said, right off I will give them a B- on their performance. I am not a regular of this program, I have passed by and stopped but, until last night, never watched a full episode. I have no emotional connection to the characters and that may alter the way I feel the episode in general. Oh, and before I forget, I did not have a stillbirth. My daughter was born alive and fought hard for two days. That too may skew my view, HA I rhymed! I do have friends that have suffered through stillbirth so I have a little understanding of the process. 


Initially I was a little turned off by the way the Dr seemed to "know" the baby was gone before an exam was ever done. Skip ahead to a young man sobbing in the hallway, him looking over his young wife as she lays in bed  emotionless and obviously no longer pregnant. So where was the exam, featuring the ultrasound and confirmation of your worst nightmare. Those words engraved to the minds and hearts of so many families, "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat, your baby has passed". Where was the induction, the labor, the physical and emotional pain of having to labor and deliver a baby that you know will never take a breath and cry out. And all of this 'non-happening" seem to take about 8-10 hours of the day. The fact that they did not once use the word "Stillborn". 


What did I like? I like that ABC was brave enough to "go there" even if it was not to the extent of what I would have like to seen. That the young mother expressed that she did nothing wrong, the Drs told her it was not her fault. The extended family and later the friends showing such remorse for this baby that was obviously very loved. 


Now, I've heard that on the show's Facebook page there have been mixed reviews. I went there to get the link but I will not read the page. Some of the things I have heard are that people didn't understand why the grandparents were so upset, that this was a stupid show to do "like this ever happens" just to name a couple. HA HA HA did you get that last one? Oh yea, it happens and it happens a lot!! The general public is ignorant to babyloss. I'm not being cruel or overly sensitive. The meaning of the word is "lacking in knowledge; uninformed; unaware". They just don't know until it happens to them. I was ignorant too!


After considering the remarks I've heard on the FB page, I can understand better why ABC did not delve into the more intimate parts of this loss. There is a fine line for them to tell a story without completely alienating their current viewer ship. I found this article from 2009 that states one of their target demographics is the 12-17 age group. Don't even get me started about a 12yr old watching a TV show about girls and boys having sex and getting pregnant! I commend ABC on it's efforts and perhaps another, more adult program, should tackle this loss in the way it can really be brought to light. Brought to light so people will understand the gravity of the loss better, the grief that will never go away, the fact that your life is different now and will never be quite the same ever again and how you will NEVER get over it!! One thing is for sure, there is still a lot of work to be done. The taboo of baby loss has gone on for far too long. Education and perseverance are key. My babies are not a dirty little secret!