A baby was born

I apologize for not continuing yesterday. I wanted so badly to celebrate her short life but my heart was so sad. No matter how long it has been, there will always be certain days that you feel sad. Yesterday was one of those days and I gave myself permission to be sad.

Oct 30, 1995...Like I said before, I do not remember a lot of what was going on. They said they had to stabilize me before the c-section could take place and I guess that's what they did with the medication. At one point they came in to give me my spinal. It seemed to take forever and was told later that he had to do it twice. If I had to guess, it was because of the size of the needle. {They had to do it twice with Matthew also because they needed a smaller needle.} I really don't remember anything after that. Next memory was being in my room. My bed was next to a window. I know I had visitors. I remember telling one of them Happy Birthday. My Mom had arrived from FL but I don't remember ever seeing her. However, later that night I had problems breathing and asked if I could call my Mom and actually dialed the phone to my grandmother's house and asked my Mom to come to the hospital. She came and spent the night.

Sixteen years ago today...What really really stings about this day is that I saw Bailey for the very first time and I have no recollection of it. Part of me thinks, how is that possible that a mother doesn't remember meeting her daughter for the first time but the more rational part knows how much medication I was on and that she is not the only thing I don't remember. The memories I have of being with her and holding her I thought was Tues but after looking at the pictures I realized that the memories I have are of Wed. So basically I have no memory of Tues at all. Oh wait, I think I do have a memory of Tues. The nurse had come in with a breast-feeding machine for me to pump for her and that would have been Tues. Yes they made me pump so at some point I'm guessing they thought she would be ok, otherwise my would they make me pump and have my milk come in only to have to lose her and deal with that whole issue. What an awful and painful reminder of what your baby should be doing. My body, the same body that turned against her and betrayed me was now producing milk to feed her. WOW!

Seizures and all

Sixteen years ago today...it was Sunday morning and hubby woke me up when he got up. He asked me why I was sleeping on the sofa again. I told him about everything and about calling the hospital. He was a bit peeved that I felt the need to call the hospital but not wake him up. He needed to sleep. He worked out of town Mon-Fri and had roughly 2 days to catch up on sleep and do any paper work and laundry and anything else to get ready to leave again Monday morning. I felt like crap!! I felt like I was going to get sick and I did several times. Well you know those dry-heaves you get first thing in the morning. We decided to call my Dr and tell him what was going on. I called the service and he called me back a little later. I explained the breathing, the headaches, the 'heartburn', now the vomiting, little fever, and just all around icky-ness. He said it sounded like I might have a stomach bug or virus. I should drink as much water as I could stand and stay on a liquid diet for the day, and if I started feeling a little better to have some plain rice or bread. He also said to call the office first thing Monday morning and tell them to get me in. I laid around all day with the hubby feeding me water and jello trying to keep as much down as possible. The afternoon rolled around and we would normally be going to our bowling league. It was our only little fun time since hubby's schedule was so bad, and our only time to see other friends and get out for a while. I decided not to go to bowling, I was exhausted and figured I would just lay on the sofa, doze and watch TV. He went on to bowling and came home a few hours later. I had been sleeping so he asked how I was feeling and then went upstairs to our loft area to get on the computer for a while. We had vaulted ceilings in the living area and the loft overlooked the whole living room. I was laying on the sofa watching TV, QVC to be exact, jewelry to be even more specific. I was on my back, propped up a little with my head turned all the way to the left to see the TV. My head turned to the right, all by itself! I kinda thought to myself that that was weird and I turned my head back to the left. It happened again and again I got a little aggravated and turned my head back. And again!! I remember saying Travis make it stop!! At that moment, I think I had what I can only explain as an out of body experience. Physically I had not moved but mentally I was laying the opposite direction on the sofa like my head was where my feet were. I was looking up at the loft and saw hubby look over. The next thing I remember was some woman screaming in my face to wake up. I opened my eyes and saw a strange person and closed them again. She started yelling at me again to open my eyes. The next thing I remember was going through the front door, the cold air hit me in the face and made me open my eyes. There were red beams of light swirling around from the ambulance. They were putting me in when I heard the man in the back say on the radio "25 year old female with grand mal seizures".

I woke up in the hospital. The room was cold, it was dark, and it was quiet. I remember my hubby coming in and I asked him to call my Dad. Amazingly enough, I rattled off the phone numbers of my best friend, my Dad that lived in NC and my Mom that lived in FL. I couldn't do that now, that's what my phone is for right?! I remember the Dr coming in and doing an US and telling me I had Eclampsia. The only cure was to deliver the baby so that I could get well again. By this time they had already put me on Magnesium and I was in and out of consciousness for the next 2 days.

They decided to transfer me to another hospital where the children's hospital was located so that Bailey could be taken right away to be attended to. I do remember the ambulance ride UGH. Let's just say ambulances are not the most comfortable of rides anyway but on the streets of downtown Norfolk, well it was bumpy!! When we came in through the ER I saw my best friend standing there waiting for me, she was crying so hard. I remember telling her not to cry. The next few hours were a big blur, just little memories here and there.

What is happening to me?

Sixteen years ago today...I had fallen back asleep Friday night on the sofa only to wake up just a while later with an awful headache. I decided to get up and grab some medicine and  maybe work on the checkbook. I know, not something someone with a headache would normally do but I have always been a little anal about my checkbook, even before my banking days. I sat at the dining table trying to look at the receipts and numbers, my head was hurting so bad. I had always had headaches growing up and a few years before I got pregnant I started having migraines. This was the worst headache pain ever, worse than any migraine and different. The light wasn't really bothering my eyes and the sound of the TV wasn't bothering me either like normal. It just felt like someone had taken a baseball bat and hit me upside the back of my head. I got up and went outside. It was chilly for the end of October in VA. I went and laid back down on the sofa and nodded off again. Hubby woke me up Saturday morning and I told him about not being able to breathe again and then the headache later. I took some Tylenol and went to bed. I napped on and off all day but I felt terrible. I didn't eat much. I didn't really feel sick to my stomach just icky like nothing seemed good to eat. I still had a mild headache and the breathing was still bothering me but we got through the day just lazing around and went to bed fairly early for a Saturday night. Again, I woke up trying to catch my breath and with really bad 'heartburn'. My head was still hurting so I got some medicine and laid down of the sofa. I had taken Tums but it didn't seem to help, then I realized that the Tylenol had eased my headache and my 'heartburn'. I was starting to get really freaked out. All of this was not normal, I didn't think these breathing issues happened until very late in the pregnancy but the icky feeling, the really bad headaches, and everything together prompted me to call the hospital. I talked to the triage nurse in L&D and told her what was going on. I told her the Tylenol made my 'heartburn' go away and her response was Hmmm. She asked me if I had felt the baby move and I said I really had not paid attention. She told me to drink a big glass of water and relax and try to feel the baby. If I didn't feel the baby move to come right to the ER and if I did, well then it was up to me to come in or wait til Sunday morning. I got off the phone, drank my water and relaxed. There she was, my Bailey girl doing flips just like normal. I thought about it and figured since she seemed to be ok, I would let hubby sleep and call my Dr Sunday morning. I went on back to sleep for the rest of the night.

Sixteen years ago today...

Sixteen years ago today...I got up early to go to the Drs office to talk to the NP about my weight gain. Deep down, I knew something was wrong. I had been reading the books, I knew this wasn't normal and I knew my body and it was telling me there was something wrong. I had been wearing a pair of Keds shoes that I bought out of desperation one day. They were a size larger than normal and I took out all of the laces to get my feet in them. I had been wearing them for close to 2 months. Everyone kept saying that swelling was normal in pregnancy. I was still wearing my regular pants that had elastic waists. I had purchased 2 maternity tops but nothing else. I get to the Drs office and they take me to a little consultation room. The NP comes in and asks me why I'm there. I explained to her about my weight gain and swelling. She told me it was very important to eat healthy during this time and that I should avoid foods that were processed and had lots of sodium. She gave me two brochures with a list of what to eat and what not to eat and a brochure listing sodium in foods that you might not expect. I sat there not knowing what else to say, just shaking my head and thinking I was must look stupid to them. One of those first time Mom types that over worries about everything. She weighed me; I had gained. She checked my BP; it was borderline where it had hovered around the 125/68 mark. I had +1 pitting edema and a trace of protein in my urine. I was sent home. It was Friday so there was no need to call the hubby, he was on the way home. I went home and laid down for a while and tried to ease my mind. Later, I picked hubby up from the airport, we went to dinner and I told him all about the appointment. We both just wondered what was going on and if we were crazy. I woke up later that night not being able to breathe and had to go prop up on the sofa, I finally fell back to sleep.

I will not be doing the 31 Days Challenge for the rest of the month. I may catch it up but for now, this is more therapeutic for me.

It's getting a little closer

I have really been trying to keep busy this week. Yesterday and today {probably the rest of the week} I've been working on a little project. It's seeming to be a little tough but that's how things are when you don't know what you're doing. LOL Trying to teach myself a new skill and just getting a little frustrated I'm not picking it up faster. I'll get it though, I know I will. It's important to me so I'll make it happen.

From today until the end of next week I will be 'counting down the days'.

Sixteen years ago today...Travis was out of town on business like he was every week. I jumped on the scale and checked my weight, I was obsessed. Not because I was thin and scared to gain too much weight or I was heavy and scared for the same reason but because I was gaining weight at an alarming rate and would get on the scale several times a day to check it. Let's face it, I was overweight when I had Bailey but the gaining weight never bothered me. My frame of mind was centered on eating healthy and making sure the baby grew like she was supposed to. I was not over-indulging on sweets and that stuff. I did not want to get GD and I knew that could be an issue since I already carried more weight when I got pregnant. But soon enough at my Dr appts I was getting the lecture on how much weight I should gain and how I shouldn't gain too much because I was already overweight. One appt in particular I was told that when my hubby and I went to Wendy's, I should get the salad bar and let my hubby get the burger and fries. REALLY! I left that place in tears. She didn't care what I was telling her, She assumed from looking at me that I was making bad choices. Oh, and yes, Wendy's did use to have a salad bar. So back to the 26th, I had gained more weight and was so upset. I called the Drs office and tried to get in to see someone. Of course the Drs were all booked up but I could come in the next morning to see the Nurse Practitioner if I really thought I needed to. Well, YES, that's why I'm calling you!! Cont' on the 27th.

Day 25: On birthdays, diagnosis days and angelversaries, how do you handle them?
I do my best to keep calm and let the day happen. Sometimes I make plans so I know I'll have to get out of the house and plans that I know will keep me busy so that my mind doesn't have time to settle into a dark place. I try to make them all celebrations of life now and not focus on the bad. Sometimes harder than others, especially Bailey's week. But in the end, it is all about life, the life of my sweet children.

Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10, rate your day today and why.
Well today I think I'm at about a 7. It's not a bad day and I have a lot on my plate so that is helping.

Catching up

The purpose of blogging daily in October was to put my feelings to paper, well you know. This weekend was kinda strange. I was really excited to spend a weekend by myself with the boys at a cub scout camp. Just me and the kitties and all the quiet I could handle. Friday night was wonderful but come Saturday I started feeling a little rough. Taking a little nap, making some chili, watching the baseball game and then going to bed early. The boys came home early yesterday morning and it quickly turned into a nappy kind of a Sunday. So here I am catching up on the last few days. Really, minus the sickness, it was a good weekend. I am grateful for that since I can't know what exactly this next weekend will hold for me. The hubby is working all weekend so where I would normally retreat to my bed and sleep it off, I have to be up and present to care for my son. Maybe that is my blessing. Forcing to live in the present and not the past. Enjoying what is here with me instead of wishing for what I can never get back. So let's answer three days of challenge questions and start this week off.

Day 22: Do you have a song(s) that make you think of your children?
There are lots of songs that make me think of them or just Heaven in general and what the day will be like when I get there. But the song that touches me the most and for the longest I guess is "Fly" by Celine Dion.

Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
I've always said I would have tried to do more in making the Drs understand that something was wrong. I know I did all I could do; I told them something wasn't right, I made special appointments to check on everything, even forcing them to see me two days before my seizure and they still missed it. I would have made them keep her in me until they could strengthen her lungs no matter what it did to me. That wasn't even an option. After the seizure I was kept heavily medicated to keep from having more seizures so I was completely out of it. To this day, I don't remember everything that happened for days and days afterward. I don't even remember all of the funeral. I'm not sure if that was a product of the medication and my high BP or just a defense mechanism. I guess I will never know.

Day 24: On birthdays, diagnosis days, anniversaries of passing; do you prepare for them?
I prepare! I prepare to celebrate their lives, I prepare to feel sad, I prepare to feel angry, I prepare to love them just a little more on their special day. Anything and everything, I try to prepare! I'm a planner kinda person so preparing is important to me. Of course the best planning can not always prepare you for what grief has up it's sleeve. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.

Laboring

I was scrolling through some of my favorite bloggers on FB this morning and came across a post by House of Smiths. Shelley is participating in a series of articles for MillionMomsChallenge.com. Of course when she mentioned there was a contest involved I jumped at the chance to read her essay and respond. When I opened the link I noticed the topic was Labor. Shelley goes on to talk about her labor and delivery of her 3rd child and how different it was from her first L&D with her twins. So I get to the end where you respond to a question for a chance to win some really great prizes and the question is "What went through your mind when you held your baby for the first time?". Hmmm, I don't think I want to put a damper on such a lovely article with my first hand account of holding Bailey. And maybe that's just for us anyway. So I responded with, "I had my rainbow baby by scheduled c-section so I too had to wait for the meds and vomiting to wear off but finally, I got my moment. The first time I saw my son in my arms, I cried quietly as I looked into his eyes and thanked the 2 that had come and gone before him for his safe arrival." 


Day 21:  Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?
Bailey was a little fighter. She was under developed as we had both been sick for several weeks.  She was so small. Although I had her at 26wks she was by all accounts a 24-weeker at best.  She fought hard for 2 days but finally a decision had to be made to end her suffering.  Now understand that I believe at no point while she was on Earth did she suffer in the way that we as adults understand pain and agony. I believe she was shielded by the hand of God who protected her from that pain. However, after two days of being on the ventilator her lungs were starting to tear and rip. It didn't feel right for her to have to go through that just to be here for me and my hubby. It agonized me! So when I think of how hard she fought to be here so that I, who was on heavy medication and not able to be with her, could be well enough to be wheeled over to the NICU to finally meet my daughter -- that makes me smile! She did that for me.  She hung on for me. She is my hero.

10 more days

10 more days!

That's it, just 10 more until my beautiful baby girl is 16! This would be the part where I freak out and think how could it be that I last held you 16 years ago. Sometimes it just feels like yesterday. There may be 10 more days til her birthday but no matter how hard I try I can't help but start counting down the 27th. You see that's when it all started to go downhill. From pleading with the Drs that something was just not right to her being taken from me by emergency c-section while I was so doped up Mag that I hardly knew where or who I was. That's where another countdown begins but I can't focus on that one just yet.

I think I relive these days each year partly as a reminder to what happened. So I'll never forget! Going through her story in my mind each year, accounting what happened to the both of us so it stays with me until the day I die. Just the thought of next week makes me anxious and emotional but I have to do it, I have to remember all that I can so I will never forget!

Day 20: If you have anger, what are you most angry about?
Well since you brought it up! I am most angry about how the Drs cared for me. I hated that I had to see each Dr in the practice "just in case". Whatever, I have never been uptight about Drs and the way I looked at it, when the time came and I was in labor, I didn't much care who was down there as long as they delivered my baby safely. For months I was criticized about my weight even so far as being told to get the salad bar and let my husband get the hamburger and fries. I repeatedly told them that I was not eating unhealthy foods, I was not binging all night long, I was still wearing non-maternity clothes, nobody listened! This goes along with the countdown I referred to earlier so I'll save part of this for a post next week. The main point is that I was overlooked because they were not thinking outside of the box. When will Drs learn that not everyone fits into that little package the medical books teach them about. Yes I have a 3rd trimester disease in the 2nd trimester.

Happiest memory?

Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?
My happiest memory, hmmmmmm, um well. That's hard. Feeling Bailey kick around inside was probably my happiest moment. We just didn't that many moments together that were happy. Of course finding out I was pregnant and telling everyone was fun but feeling her movements was mostly between me and her and it made me very happy.

Day 18 and an update

Ok, update first. The package got to my friend in Virginia yesterday. She says she can't wait for her little one to "wear them out" in the next two weeks. That makes my heart happy. I still miss them a little bit, only because I can't go into the next room and pull them out whenever I feel the need. Truth be told, they made me a little sad doing that. So really this is a win-win!! Sometimes, no matter how much it hurts, you have to make that leap, do what your heart knows is right so that you can move forward and make progress in your grief. Yes, I still do that.

Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?
Quite possibly TIME has done that. After years of begging, wishing, praying, hoping things could be different, a peace comes over you. You realize nothing is going to change, nothing is going to bring your baby back to your arms and so peace takes over where bitterness used to live. Doing those little things to move forward brings a peace in itself. I believe in God! I believe in a God that scoops little children and babies up in His arms and holds them for me until I can get there. The best babysitter in the whole wide world...and beyond. His love for me and my children and the promise of eternity gives me a peace that really nothing else can touch.

Once you find peace, even a little bit of it, a weight is lifted. You see a light that has not been there in a long long time. There will still be dark times and bad days but the peace in your heart helps you to move past those times more quickly. Don't rush your journey, follow the grief path, but please strive for peace. Don't settle for heartache; find the light, find the peace.

Recap the 15th and Days 16 & 17 Challenge

WOW! Saturday was a beautiful day here in TX. Travis and I got our stuff together and headed off to the Candlelight Vigil with camera in hand. There were some members of the support group I attend there and I was fortunate to meet a few other very nice people. It was a wonderful turn out with a little more than 100 people there. I think that was a great turn out considering Texarkana's Walk for the Cure was the same day. They had a beautiful candle table set up and allowed people to bring pictures or mementos to sit on the table as well. It was very touching.

Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?
I do take time for myself. In the beginning it was best to keep as busy as possible to keep my mind from wandering. Nowadays I probably have a little too much time to myself during the day but I consider that a blessing. It's nice to have the quiet time available if you are having a bad day or just need a good cry.

Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?
Of course!! I feel them all the time. When I get those little messages from Heaven I know it is them saying Hello. Sometimes it's just that little voice in your head that tells you to do something that maybe you wouldn't otherwise do. I consider that my angels. Maybe that little muse that gives me an idea for a design, that is my angels too. They are always with me!

A Day to Remember and Unite in Love

Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?
We are having a candlelight vigil in our town this evening. I am so excited to get together with other families to celebrate the lives of our precious babies. This is the first time I have participated in one of these PAILRD events. I can't wait to light my candle for my babies and the babies of friends and hold it high to the sky so all the babies in Heaven can see them. I'm sure it will be a beautiful and touching sight.

Day 14

Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angels?
It has always been very important for me to collect things that remind me of them. Especially now that I am part of such a great community of BLMs on FB it is much easier to do. There are soo many talented people out there and I try to support them as much as possible. 1) because they understand what I'm going through and how a little something for my angel makes me feel and 2) most of them give back into the community in the way of memory boxes, care packages, etc. My babies will never draw me a picture for my frig so instead I make/buy something that reminds me of something they may have created. Never gets old.

The post office and Halloween tears

I had to get to the PO today. I had been putting it off for a little while because of our little trip we had to make to NW Arkansas over the long weekend and everybody feeling a little run down when we got back. I had to mail off some pretty little prayers beads won in Sophee's Trisomy Auction and so they are on their way to Alabama right now. That doesn't sound too terrible does it? Here's where the tears come in. When I first found out I was pregnant with Christian in Sept of 2005 I went out and bought cute little Halloween outfits for the following year. Little 3-month outfits that he could wear for Halloween and the days preceding. Well I've been toting these outfits around from place to place for the last 6 years. Let's see, we have moved 4 times since I lost him. They just keep getting packed up. Well I came across them again last week and decided it was time to let them get used for what they were intended for not to be a place taker in a box with other Halloween stuff. I have a friend in VA that recently had a baby and she recently had 2 grand-babies as well. Yes, I'm at that age where friends are old enough to have grown children but not too old to have their own still. I found a box and folded them gently and placed them in. The box was one that had been used in the move and had writing on the front. I didn't want to have to try to cover up all the writing so I figured a needed a new box. I put the old box on the floor and began to cry. My hubby asked if I was crying over a box. I said No, about what's in the box. I thought it would be easier to let them go. So I decided to just pay the extra money for the flat rate box at the PO and send them that way. We get to the PO and the prices on the flat rate boxes had gone up uh $3! I was ticked, I did not plan on spending that much. So the tears came again. Hubby looked at me and said just use the flat rate box and don't worry about the extra money. You see, he knew if those outfits came back home with me to find another box, then they would not be leaving again. He folded the box for me and I put them in and he sealed it up. It was done. I have to say, I'm still regretting it just a tad. Even now, I have tears for those outfits. There was no reason for me to keep them but somehow they kept me connected to Christian. I took a couple of really bad pics with the camera phone before we left so at least I can remember what they look like, forever!

Days 12 & 13 of the 31 Days Challenge

It's never too late to jump into the Challenge.


Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?
My family has been really great when it comes to remembering Bailey. Many many extended family members will visit her grave for me and leave flowers or just go by and visit to make sure everything is ok. The miscarriages are far less talked about and I would expect that since You know they just don't seem "real" to other people. It's hard for other people to wrap their heads around a loss (especially an early loss) that they never got to experience. In both cases, I had miscarried before my family ever even knew I was pregnant so I understand.

Day 13: Does anyone else besides you speak your child's name?
Yes. My Mom and Dad are very open about Bailey and of course my husband talks about them as well. The same family that help with Bailey's grave speak of her as well. Really though, the only place I can count on people not being afraid to talk about them is in the BLM community. Other BLMs understand the need to talk about our children and therefore are not afraid to mention them by name. I lovingly refer to my babies as my ABCs and there are others that will refer to them that way also. I love it!! All three at once.

Days 10 & 11

We had to make a kind of impromptu trip out of town Sunday and came back last evening. More than 10hours of driving for just an over-nite visit but it was worth it.

Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?
Matthew is my rainbow. As I mentioned before, we have always told him about Bailey. He was 4 almost 5 when I lost Christian and just kinda knew that 'the baby' had gone to Heaven and would not be able to grow in my tummy and stay with us. That Christian was with Bailey and they were playing. When I finally came to terms with losing Alyssa so long ago, we sat down and talked about that as well. That what happened to Christian is what happened to Alyssa and that all of his siblings live with Jesus. He is quite open about it all, if any of his friends ask if he has siblings, he is more than willing to tell them that they live in Heaven.

Day 11: It is said that Mothers and Fathers grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angels' father?
I think so. As far as the miscarriages, it is definitely true for us. I know that he still grieves the missed opportunities and the dreams that won't be realized but he never got to 'connect' with them the way I did. He misses them and loves them but it's just a little different for him. With Bailey, he probably spent more time with her than I did. That's a good thing. After she passed his reaction was to go straight to denial and put anything and everything that reminded him of her out of his mind. Unfortunately, that meant me too for a while. I reminded him of her when he just wanted to forget. He soon realized that he could never forget nor did he really want to and I was not a reminder of what he had lost but of what I had given him. I believe there is nothing else that can bring a man to his knees in despair then the death of his child.

Ooops Days 8 & 9

What I thought was going to be a nice quiet weekend has turned a little busy but a good busy. Catching up from yesterday though, here goes.

Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?
I definitely have more good days than bad. Of course, there is always something that brings you back to that bad place but thankfully even the bad place is much shorter lived. Of course, my journey is further along than many. Bailey, where my journey really began, will be 16 in just 21 more days. Reading a friend's blog yesterday, I was reminded that healing is a choice. It really is an effort on your part to move past the pain and move toward peace. There will always be circumstances that bring you back to the depths but with continued faith, you can fight your way back much quicker. That being said, 3 weeks away from by baby's birthday brings me back to holding her in my arms and the continued effort to remember that feeling. To never forget it!

Day 9: If you have other children, how has your loss affected them? If you don't have other children, how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
I will answer both parts because when we had Bailey we had no other children. That loss was very significant in our marriage. Of course we lost our child, we were devastated. Our marriage suffered, trying to escape each other was a way to distance the pain of losing her. That didn't really work. It was difficult for a long time and for a while there, I was really unsure we would survive. Ultimately we came together, grieved together, and stayed together. This year we celebrated 21 years together, 17 years married.
We always talked to Matthew about Bailey. I firmly believe she was there with him until he was born and given to us. She protected him and I feel like on some level he knew her. From the very beginning we would take him to the cemetery with us and when he was old enough, it became his job to pick out the flowers. Sometimes they weren't the prettiest flowers but that was what he wanted for her, so it was perfect. He would go to a restaurant and get a balloon and get others for his siblings and send them off to Heaven when we got out of the restaurant. He is a special, sensitive boy and to me that is all thanks to the guidance he receives from up above.

In honor of their memory, with love.

Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel(s) if so what?

At the beginning of this year, I introduced Rest In Hope to Facebook and the world. After Bailey was born and we knew that time was not on our side, plans had to be made. Plans for a casket, a viewing, a graveside service,  a bronze marker, flowers, a little outfit, what I wanted her to take with her. All kinds of plans. Most of those plans were made without me by family members. My Mom and Dad donated their cemetery plots, my Father-in -law found a funeral home that would donate the casket and viewing, his priest would perform her service. My Mom bought her a beautiful gown. Travis and I picked out her marker, bronze guardian angel marker with a vase on a beautiful granite slab. It was expensive even with the donations and luckily we could take care of it for her. Within a week the multiple hospital, multiple doctor, ambulance, and other bills came rolling in. I remember sitting at the table thinking how could anyone expect you to pay for the birth of your child while you're paying for the burial at the same time. It seemed cruel! That was the day Rest In Hope was born, nearly 16 years ago, with the thought of doing whatever I could to lessen the burden to others that had to go through this as well. After 9 months, we have donated cash for burial services, donated/purchased from BLM causes, donated cash for disaster relief, and donated rosaries and prayer beads to various online auctions that benefit the BLM community. I always wish it could be more and someday it will be but for now things are slowly moving along and that's ok. Everything I do in regards to Rest In Hope is with the deepest love and appreciation to my babies that left me far too soon but left me with a desire to help others and make a difference in the life of someone else.

Stay tuned for a little something else coming in the very near future.

Oh, Is he your only child?

Today's prompt in the 31 Days Challenge is

Day 6: How do you answer the question how many children do you have?
Well this is always a tricky one. For me, it really depends on whose asking, the situation, or maybe even the reason they may be asking. I have never felt like I was denying the other children if I answered I only have the one. They know I love them and I firmly believe they understand the circumstances of why I answer that way. Most always if it is a complete stranger I will say Matthew is the only child I have. Actually, that's not a fib, he is the only one I HAVE, the others live with Jesus. One time there was a snotty lady who assumed that Matthew was an only child and made a rude comment about me not understanding what is was like to have more than more kid. So I preceded to tell her that I would know but God chose to take care of my other children in Heaven so ya she was probably right. Now I don't really condone using your angels as a weapon but the look on her face was priceless. The only other time I can remember that someone was rude to me was right after Bailey was born. Well my first Mother's Day after her. My hubby and I sat in a restaurant having a breakfast when a waitress came out from the back with a bucket of carnations. She walked around to all the tables with kids at them and gave the Mom a flower. My hubby asked her if I could have a flower as she was about to pass me by. She turned around, looked me squarely in the eye and asked me where my kids were. WHAT? REALLY? There could have been a million reasons why my children were not at breakfast with me but she assumed that the only Moms in the room had children with them. I looked right back at her and told her my child died but I was still her mother. The color drained right from her face and she gave me a flower. Needless to say, the next conversation was with the manager. Sometimes I just don't feel like getting into the conversation that accompanies my answer. If I'm having a bad day, I've thought of them countless times and don't really need to be questioned about what happened. So ya, kinda depends on the situation.

When you least expect it...BAM!

It doesn't seem to matter where you are in your grief journey, when you least expect it that little something comes along to make you burst into tears. Early on, just seeing Bailey's name would send me down but as the years went on, I took that as a sign from her that she's there. Her little reminder to me. It makes me smile to see their names now, to here them in other's conversations, or read about someone with the same name. But every now and again, there's something that just strikes a chord at the wrong time and WHAMMO! Late last night I was staying up with the hubby trying to catch up on some DVR stuff. We sat down to watch Dancing With The Stars. Ok, you know fun stuff right?! No heavy dramatics just a bunch of people trying to learn dances and most of the time some good music too. Well last night Monday night was story telling night. Everyone had to think of an important year in their life, a time when there was change, or heartache, or inspiration. I knew it was going to be an emotional show right then but I wasn't prepared for one of the dancers to talk about having to deliver her twins early due to pulmonary edema. Oh then came the pictures of her very tiny preemie daughter that brought back so many memories of my little NICU girl. Happily her little girl survived as did her twin and they are very healthy almost 4yr olds. Happy endings are great, I didn't get that.

Oddly, the 31 Days Challenge is very closely related, ha!! I just went to look at today's prompt and found
Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminders of your angels and if so what are they?
Like I said before, hearing, or seeing, or reading their names always brightens my days now. Also, little butterflies and little dragonflies make me smile as I picture my babies riding along on the the wings whispering Hello Mommy as they buzz by my head. When I'm being creative, I often feel them sitting on my shoulder as my muse giving me inspiration and guiding me. Sometimes, it's just a little thought that pops in my head seeming to come from nowhere. Angel whispers are wonderful things.

When I thought I had enough on my plate...

Had some surprises yesterday. Not of the baby type but definitely of the grief type. There was a bit of an altercation with an old friend this past week and I found out a few days ago that she had de-friended me. I was hurt just because it seemed like there was no communication and I felt she was a close close friend. Yesterday I was DF'd by two mutual friends that I also considered good friends. My mind was reeling with what felt like betrayal and the lack of communication. Obviously the love I felt for them was one-sided and that is always hard to find out. In the end I have realized that a couple of us had very different opinions on things and I'm not at all sure that part of their leaving was that I often mention my babies on my FB page. I realized that the loss of a friend even on FB is a loss and where it is nothing like losing my child, I still feel a sense of loss over the relationship. So even a little bit of grief for the little losses really magnifies the bigger ones. I was feeling sad for losing a friendship that I cherished and at the same time sad that I would never have that loving relationship with my child. What some people easily throw away was something that I would nearly die to have with my child. If  it's true that they were somehow offended by me talking about MY children on MY page well then I have been given a great gift. I do not talk about my children to make other people uncomfortable, I talk about them because it is my right as their Mother!

So on a lighter note, let's continue to on our 31 Days challenge.

Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?
In the beginning, after losing Bailey, I would have to say just pure will. Not that I knew it at the time. I felt like I had no will to do anything. Obviously I made it through the most difficult days and on to better ones. Today, I would say the what keeps me going the most is 1) my son! and 2) wanting to live a life that makes my children {all of them} proud of me.

Day 3 and a challenge to boot

I saw a fellow BLM post this morning that she was going to be following a blog from a friend who has offered the 31 Days Blogging challenge for Mothers of Loss. I thought what a great idea especially since I am planning to blog everyday anyway. Now I have prompts to help me along the way. So it's Day 3 already and I'll need to play a little catch up.


Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or much as you want.
I am Stephanie. Mother to 4. Wife. Roman Catholic Christian. Creator of many things. 


Day 2: Tell us about your children. As much as you like. Names, Birthdays, Stats.
Alyssa Jane - miscarried in Dec of 1990 at 7wks
Bailey Noel - born by emergency c-section at 26wks due to my Eclampsia and                       HELLP Syndrome. She lived for two days in the NICU before my husband and I had to accept removing her from support. She was born October 30, 1995 weighing 440grams and passed November 1, 1995.
Matthew Ryan - My rainbow!! He was born a healthy 7lbs 2ozs on November 30, 2000 by repeat c-section after a very non-eventful pregnancy. 
Christian Erin - miscarried in Oct of 2005 very early on at about 5wks


Day 3: Through your grief process, who has been your "rock"?
Two people I would say. My husband and my Mom. Losing Bailey took a hefty toll on our marriage but we've worked it out and will be celebrating 18 years of marriage in April. My Mom was in FL when I got sick carrying Bailey. She flew right up and hardly ever left the hospital. My mom is the person who last held Bailey as she passed. I was made to go back to my room and could not stay with her so my Mom stayed with her. I appreciate my Mom for being there but it has always brought me so much grief that I couldn't be there for her in her last moments.


Ok, I'm all caught up. Hope you can join in too!

So far, so good

Of course it's only the 2nd of October but it's going ok so far. Yesterday went far better than I had ever thought it would. I think I had a harder time back in June/July when he would have actually turned 5 years old. And then again in August when he would have started Kindergarten. Yesterday was more of a day of remembrance and celebration. Loving his short short life and grateful I got just that little bit of time I did get.

He will be waiting for me and I will be glad to hold him.

October 1st - Christian's Day

As promised, today is the first day of my Blogging through the Pain in October posts. I am really hoping this daily expression will help me focus on the good throughout the month.

Happy 6th Celebration of Life to Christian Erin Desjarlais!! I posed the question as to what to call this day for Christian on our FB page this morning. Got some awesome responses so far. Like Christian's Lifeday! You see this is the last day I knew I was pregnant with him. It was early in my pregnancy and I had no expectations there would be anything wrong. I had a successful pregnancy with Matthew and expected the same. Within days of Oct 1st, I was spotting and on my way to miscarrying my little baby. It was a hard miscarriage {like there are any different kinds}that took the entire month to complete. Week after week of going to the hospital for blood tests and back home to wait the results.

I woke up cautiously optimistic about the month ahead and ready to embrace whatever is to come.

 So here we go!!