We need a little goofy fun and laughter around here

After the last 3 weeks or so I can really go for some fun. Most of the last two days have been about reading blogs and tutorials. Are you on Pinterest? OMG you just have to be, it is seriously the best thing in the whole wide world these days. It is addicting though so don't say I didn't warn you. If you haven't joined yet, you will need an invite from a member and I have plenty so just leave a comment with the email address you want your invite sent to.

Ok, so today I found this really cool, really inexpensive, really quick tutorial for gloves that you can wear while using your iPad/iPhone. No doubt you've already noticed last winter that your touch screen wouldn't work with gloves on and taking the gloves off to work the pad well maybe wasn't worth the cold fingers. This is so cool, check it out.

Let's get our smile back!!

Joy's Hope: What's in a name?

Joy's Hope: What's in a name?

Want to read about an incredible testimony to the grace of God, loss and living through grief, and a great great love. Don't miss it.

Saying goodbye...for now

Sixteen years ago today...was the day of my daughter's burial. No parent should ever have to say those words. There is not a whole lot I remember about this day. I wasn't on the meds anymore so I guess it has been stuck deep into my mind where it can not hurt me. Somehow the not remembering seems just as bad as the remembering. I didn't know what to wear. What do you wear to your child's funeral? I had just bought a maternity dress, just a little pull over type jumper. It was a dark navy plaid. That's what I wore. We pulled up to the grave site and I saw my cousin there. He is the only person I remember seeing there. Of course there were more family present but it seems like a big crowd of people with empty faces. The priest began to speak and the only thing I recall was him saying that my baby girl had gone to Heaven but not as an angel but as a Saint and that I would be with her again someday. That's it. The whole service, that's all I got. One cousin and one comment.

Tomorrow I will be reflecting back on Bailey's life and death. What she brought to our family and how she has changed my life. <3 Bailey Noel Desjarlais <3

Numb and just going through the motions

November 3, 1995...It was my first full day at home. Hubby had set up the sofa bed for me. He was afraid he would hurt me if I slept in bed with him. I was to be in bed except for going to the bathroom so setting up the bed in the living room helped to pass the time with TV. Although I don't remember watching TV at all. I remember sleeping, I remember not being able to get out of the bed to go to the bathroom, I remember crying myself to sleep, and I remember the nurse coming by to check my BP throughout the day. We had a small viewing at a funeral home that donated their services and the casket. Well I say it was small. Truth is I don't really remember who was there. There were people coming in and out and it seems they were all strangers. I can recall seeing Bailey all dolled up in her little dress Nana had picked out for her. I found a small teddy bear that was special to me as a little girl and I placed it with her. I think I remember being strong but I think looking back it was more numbness. Just going through the motions almost like it wasn't me or my life.

 The nurse came by I think three times that day. The last time she told hubby that my BP was still really high and she would be back early the next morning to check me again. She mentioned that my BP had to be down in the morning or there would be some question about me attending the funeral service. HA ya right lady!

A decision no parent should ever have to make

November 1,1995...I woke up in the hospital with an incredible peace. I couldn't explain it really. The hubby had come in to see me before going to the NICU. As he sat in the chair with his head down, I remember walking over to him and placing my hand on his shoulder and saying to him, "I think we'll have to make a decision today." What really strikes me about this was that I have hardly any memory of what happened the day before but somehow I just knew the time was coming for us to say good-bye. He went to the NICU and got a report from the Drs. It wasn't good. Bailey had been suffering through everything I had suffered through. Kidney failure, liver failure, high blood pressure, risk of stroke, risk of heart attack, and more. One other thing that to this day hurts to think about. The vent that was helping her to breathe was ripping her little lungs. The lungs were still too premature and could not handle the pressure of the machine. It was time. It was time to let the Drs take her off the machine and let her go. They gathered me up and took me to see her. We arranged for the chaplain at the hospital to baptize her and I held her hand as he did. The nurses dressed her in the cutest little handmade items. Although all of them were way too big, she still looked so precious. They took us to the 'Quiet Room'. A room where families could say good-bye to their child away from the rest of the NICU. We called my Dad to come from work and hubby's Mom came too. I asked my Mom to call a close friend of ours, a man, that could be there for my hubby. He came right over, no hesitation as to what he might see just got the call and came. I still love him dearly for that. I'm not sure how long we spent in the room, doesn't seem like it was long enough now. We took pictures as each person got to hold her and say good-bye. She would jump and take a breath when the flash went off and I remember asking the Dr why couldn't that be some kind of treatment for her. He looked at me with such a look. It was sadness and despair because he knew I was grasping for something to help my baby. A nurse came in the room and took my BP, it was well over 200 and she ordered me back to my room. I left there that moment being the last time I would see my daughter alive. My Mom held her and talked to her and rocked her until she passed.

November 2, 1995...I was released from the hospital. The Dr came in with a long list of papers to go over, my 'orders' for going home. He drilled me on the fact that I had had an emergency c-section and that even though my belly had been cut in the typical way, my uterus had not been. My uterus had been sliced right down the middle North to South and they considered this a 'criss-cross' section. I was to inform any Dr in my future of my criss-cross and they would know that meant that I was not allowed to endure contractions because it could rip. YES yes yes whatever, like I'm ever getting pregnant again I thought as he rambled on. I was going to have a nurse that would visit me several times a day to check my BP. Then it was time to leave. I got in the wheelchair with my sneeze pillow on my lap and holding a balloon that read It's A Girl! As soon as we entered the hallway  I lost it. I couldn't help but thinking of how wrong this was. How I should be carrying my baby home with me. As we went through the lobby I watched as people looked at my balloon and how their faces changed from joy to sorrow after they looked into my eyes. They knew. They knew I was leaving the hospital with empty arms.