September 30

It's Sunday September 30.

Most years I dread this day cause it's the last day of September and that means tomorrow is Christian's Day and the beginning of an emotional month for me and a lot of people I know.

Today, it's like any other day I've had for the last month. Emotions teetering on the brink of tears at any given moment. Today I decided I would sleep in as long as I wanted/needed to and then just take an easy, not rushed, not feeling the need to accomplish anything kind of day.

I do plan to make Christian a cover for my FB pages so I can tell the world that it has been 7 years since he's been gone and that he is still very much loved and missed. I am planning to share his story here on the blog tomorrow as well.

I have made sure that October is full of things to keep me busy. Of course there is the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and day vigils/celebrations going on and in the planning.

I am working on a special BL Survivor artwork I hope to unveil within the next week or by the 15th.
I am selling wristbands that say Remembering My Angel and Rest In Hope
I will be participating in CarlyMarie's Capture Your Grief photo challenge for the month.
I will be participating in the Shine Bright: Discover Your Light ecourse
I will be opening an online storefront to sell jewelry, rosary, prayer beads, wristbands, artwork, prints, etc.

I am hoping by keeping myself so busy I have less time to be in my head and more time to be productive and give back. Here's praying that it works. I'm tired of pushing back the tears and trying to keep the anger that sneaks up on me in check. What I really need is a punching bag and a good cry! Anyone have a punching bag I can use?


For more information about the Capture Your Grief project go here.
For more information on the Shine Bright ecourse go here.
If you would like to purchase a wristband go here.

Surrender

I am facing what are most certainly some of the hardest days I've had in a long time. I'm not used to feeling some of this stuff anymore. Maybe that's why it's been so hard. The tears flow easily right now.

All the while still, friends are losing babies. It doesn't stop. Every day another baby goes to Heaven, multiple even around the world. We live in a world where death happens, evil happens and we fight it. We ignore it. We don't believe it can happen to us. We don't talk about it because then it may come to us. We say we're sorry, and we are, we change the subject maybe with a platitude, and we don't want to deal with it anymore, basically saying, "Don't bring your death into my life!".

Honestly I don't know how these people live in their little bubbles. I've lost family and friends many times in my life. I was never sheltered from death. I went to funerals and cemeteries and I'm thankful for that. Maybe I was being prepared for the death that would touch my life in a way that no parent should know.

Even now, when my pain is so raw. While the tears are so fresh I know what has to be done to survive.

Surrender!

We have to surrender to reality.
Surrender to death.
Surrender to what's gone.
Surrender to what's not coming back.
Surrender to what's been lost.
Surrender to what will never be.
and then
Surrender to life.

Life goes on. As cliche or just shitty as it sounds, it's true. We all know it. We learned the hard way when we wanted the world to know how bad we hurt and the world just went on without our baby.

I will make it through this dark time. The time will pass and I will smile again. I know because I've done it before. That makes me a survivor! I am a survivor! and I will get through this. My grief, my pain, my tears, they honor my children. They honor the love I have for them. I will surrender to survive!

Last night was HARD

I went to my monthly M.E.N.D. meeting last night. I love going. I love being able to go somewhere and be the voice of my children, speak their names like they are in the next room, and cry without anyone thinking I'm crazy. If you haven't tried going to a support group meeting, please try it at least once. The hardest part is getting there. Most that I have been to don't require you to say anything maybe other than your name. It's definitely a different atmosphere compared to individual counseling. There's no pressure to talk to answer questions or worry about saying the right or wrong things.

Things have been hard lately. I wrote about all the crazy stuff going on the other day and decided I needed to work out my issues on paper. Not only facing my demons but offer a blessing to my problems as well. I felt awesome after realizing that. I was having the best day I had had in weeks. Then, as the hubby was watching the final episode of MASH of all things, there was a scene where he was telling the lady to keep her chicken quiet. He told her to make it stop cause they were gonna find them and kill them all. He told her to keep the chicken quiet. Then the chicken was quiet, the woman was crying, and he looked back to see that she had killed her baby to save all of their lives. It was't a chicken IT WAS A BABY! I lost it. Right there sitting at the table where just moments earlier I was happy, now I was bawling my eyes out. Stupid TV program!

So back to last night. I got there early. A friend was bringing some candle votives for us to decorate for Oct 15th. We joked about having arts and crafts and I was laughing again. It felt good. I didn't want to have the regular meeting where we go around the room and introduce ourselves and our losses. I wanted to kick back with my paint pen and my votive and just have a good time, for a couple hours at least.

As everything else has been going lately, no luck for me. We had a new person show up. Glad she was able to come and talk out her problems but I wanted to be selfish, I wanted to just laugh and paint. We had to go around the room, it's was my turn. I kept a steady gaze on my candle holder and continued to paint as I said, "I had a miscarriage a long time ago, then I got pregnant with my daughter, then I had seizures and she was taken from me. She lived for two days. Then I had a son, then I had another miscarriage." Giant tears forming in my eyes. The kind so big that you wonder how they are still there and not rolling down your face, making your vision blurry until you blink and they fall. I sat there painting the rest of the night. In fact I painted 3 votives instead of just one. There were a couple of questions and I talked about my friend dying and how I think that thrust me into this deep pit right now.

I put Bailey's and Christian's birthdays in the newsletter and one of the nice girls brought it to me cause I didn't receive mine. I had it open to the page and I just stared at it all night. Every time I saw that 17, I just cried harder. I can't believe it's been soooo long since I last held or saw my baby girl. Those people aren't used to seeing this from me. They are used to me talking about hope and peace and joy. They don't see me like this and it's not what I wanted them to see. I don't want them to think I'm a hypocrite for preaching love and peace and then show up depressed and crying. But that's just my head speaking cause I know they understand it doesn't matter how strong you are or how at peace with your loss, there are just times that tears are needed, tears are welcome, to cleanse the soul and to make room for love again.

It's not even October yet and this month is weighing on me hard. The ache in my heart seems overwhelming at times. It's the ache of missing someone so much that you would bargain anything to see them, hold them, love them, one more time. Knowing that that day will come warms my aching heart, it soothes it a little. I wonder how many people understand wanting to die so bad to see your babies again but not wanting to die at all and leave your family and friends behind. You can't have it both ways so you live, the best you can to put a smile on those faces in Heaven. Blow them kisses and say I miss you, and I love you, and I will see you soon.

Demons and hills

As I was reading over a few comments on my last post, I was reminded that it is ok to take time to process the hard stuff in our lives. I want all the hard part to be over and done with already.  I'm supposed to be in the easy part now but suddenly I find myself dealing with thoughts and feelings I haven't felt in a long while.

I have been fighting it, wishing it would go away, praying for the next morning to be bright again full of light and peace. It's not gonna happen on it's own. I KNOW THIS! Not dealing with it only makes it seem to go away until something makes it pop up again and there you are, right back where you started.

I need to figure out exactly what these demons are and then fight them. Maybe I'm just in one of those lulls. The ups and downs of life, and I'm in the downs right now. Where it seems everything is against me and I'm constantly fighting to climb back up. I'm tired. I'm tired of climbing though.

Watching Christmas movies all day on TV does better my mood and my attitude but it's not really fixing the problem. I guess it's more like taking a break on the way on this hill. I'm trying to catch my breath so I can make it all the way to the top. Problem is I can't see the top right now, and I want to really really bad.

In two weeks I will celebrate the life of my last little one. My Christian Erin who will have been gone for 7 years now. I need to be moving up this hill by then so I can give him the honor he deserves. So while I will probably still have Christmas movies on during the day I am committing to focus on the issues.

Today I will start picking a problem and making a list of ways to fix it. I'm sure those ways will be long term goals and some beyond my control. Beyond my control because other people are involved, but maybe physically making a list will help sort through the mumbo-jumbo in my head.

So as I sat down to put this to virtual paper I saw a quote that gave me a bit of a jolt. Those little blessings that send me messages just when I need it most. And perhaps as I list my demons, I shall list my blessings as well. For there is the HOPE in the despair.

My plate is too full

There's been a lot going on lately, kinda behind the scenes. I haven't written or updated the FB page much the last few weeks. I really don't even know where to begin.

Well at the end of August we bought a new car. Our son is outgrowing us me and so too the little Jetta we had. The poor kid was scrunched in the back seat and literally had to turn sideways to get in and out. Any drive longer than 20 mins and he was complaining about his knees hurting. The car was failing in a lot of ways so we started looking for a used car. We were not getting qualified because we still owed too much on the Jetta so one salesperson suggested we buy new because of the incentives that come along with the new cars. It worked and we got something that my son can grow into and if need be will be able to ride in the front and me in the back.

This brought on a lot of anxiety about a new larger car payment. I have not worked regularly/and or job bounced for the last 5 years. In fact, the 24th will be 5 years exactly when I had my first severe vertigo attack. I'm not talking whoa I turned my head too fast dizzy, I'm talking full blown world spinning out of control don't know which way is up vertigo. It lasted nearly 10 hours and ended with a long ER visit to re-hydrate me and get my BP back up to normal. Ever since, the attacks come more often and with or without notice. So I don't work anymore cause I was getting fired for missing too many days, I don't drive anymore because I don't know when an attack is coming, and basically I go no where alone anymore. There have been  lots of tests and lots of meds and basically what Drs agree is the only cure is to sever the nerves in my ear, which will make me deaf. And since both ears are affected, well you get the picture. So I have been seriously stressing over money and trying to find some work at home job that is NOT a scam.

Then school started and what I hoped was going to be nice days of quiet and peace ended up just being frustration. Dealing with an issue with our new car wasn't helping either. Then I found out terrible news. A friend from our old hometown was murdered. I call her a friend, I consider her that. Maybe truth is she was more of an acquaintance. I met her when she was my son's teacher's assistant and new her for some time through school and church. She was an awesome woman with the light of the world in her eyes. Not only was she murdered but it came out that it was a murder-suicide in which her eldest son shot her, her daughter, her youngest son, and then himself. For two weeks I would have bad dreams and just not be able to sleep at all with my mind racing about what happened and how it happened. And of course WHY! I was sad that I could not be there to mourn and celebrate her with other friends. To show support to the family left behind and offer what ever I could to ease their pain, if only for a moment.

Then came the anger of not being where I would hope we would be over a year ago. We have moved around A LOT! Hubby has been laid off from 4 jobs in the last 11 years. Huge chunks of those years spent not working, looking for jobs, and moving to accommodate the jobs he did get, only to be laid off again. I know he does not want to stay where we are so I have been trying to figure out where a good place for us is. Asking for guidance, asking for help, asking that we can make one more move that will be the move where my son will graduate high school. No more switching schools. A place for us all to put down roots and settle in to the rest of our lives. However, close enough to family and friends to be able to visit from time to time. Still waiting.

Still waiting to incorporate Rest In Hope cause we had not planned to be in TX this long and not wanting to have to do it all over again in another state. What seems like putting my life on hold for something that doesn't seem to want to happen. Frustration is at an all time high.

My friend's death seems to have put me full ahead in the grief path that is October. Earlier than expected I am consumed by thoughts of death and the life after. The what if's and the what should've beens. I had planned on opening a shop to sell some art and jewelry items to help out the family and also try to raise money for Rest In Hope to help fund markers. I have several people I would like to help but can't cause I can't even help my own family right now. And over frustrated!! All this over-emotion has stifled my creativity, I don't even feel like I want to paint or draw or make anything. I just want to be, to sleep, to pass the days.

Back to the car, it's a simple thing really. Texas requires front license plates. We went to pick up our plates and realized there was no front bracket on the car. The salesperson wanted to drill the plate right into the bumper. Um NO! He called later and left a message saying he could order it for $30. My first thought was I'm not paying for something that should come with the car especially in a state the requires it. A call to the Customer Care Center and I found out it was included in the sales code and should've been in the car. They said that would have the dealership call. No call. Called back to the CCC to have a case manager assigned. This Tuesday she called to say after talking with the dealership it was determined that part was not made for the car. HUH? He can order it but it's not made?? OK right, I asked to speak to a manager and was told one would call. Still waiting. Wednesday I went on Dodge's FB page and left a little note, they contacted me and told me someone would call me by Friday. Still waiting. All of this frustration over a $30 part that I would have thought the dealer would have eaten to make the customer happy. Oh and found out yesterday that the dealer has the part on hand because I have the part number and so it does exist. All this extra crap on top of what is already been a rough few weeks. I literally broke down in tears while trying to call the CCC Tuesday and got disconnected.

There was a glimmer and a smile yesterday. For more than a year I have been emailing Precious Moments and leaving notes on their FB page about a piece that was retired. I urged them to bring it out of retirement because it's a babyloss piece and I know it would bring a lot of peace to so many moms out there. Finally! They did it. Mommy's Love Goes With You has been re-released and is scheduled for delivery mid-October. What could be better? This wonderful figurine delivered to me during the hardest time of the year for me. I know it will come on the day I need it most. I can't wait. Oh in case you're interested, the price is $50. You may think that is pricey, and you know what, it's pricey to me these days too but the only place I could find this was on eBay for $1200. Yes, one thousand two hundred dollars!

I'm sorry to make this post the size of a small eBook but I really needed to get this all off my chest. To kinda let everyone know what's been going on and why I have been a bit distant. Christian's Day is just around the corner October 1, and I can't help but think about this being his 7th year since he left and how he should be a rambunctious 1st grader. Time flies and then again it stands still when you miss someone soo much.

Thanks for sticking by Rest In Hope, my ultimate goal is to be an encouragement for those that find this blog or the FB page. I want people to know that life can be good again, you can love and mother your children in Heaven just as much more with a smile on your face and a smile in your heart. Oh and since I have only told a few, there is a book in the future. I am steadily compiling my words but in these days of pain that come along, it seems might far off. Being at peace with your loss doesn't mean that you won't always have a hole in your heart. And these days that I am having now, this pain I feel for Christian, and Bailey whose birthday is in Oct also, and even for Alyssa, it doesn't mean I have slid back down in the depths of grief. It means I love them more then I ever knew was possible and some days just hurt more than others.