A Block of my Heart

Woo Hoo!! That's what I say when I when something special. Oh ok, when I win anything at all. It's a cool feeling to be selected, and it's even better when it's something you really want and it's FREE!

About a month ago Small Bird Studio started a pre-launch party for Still Standing Magazine with lots of giveaways from vendors and contributors. I didn't enter all of them cause frankly I already have some of the items and thought I would be nice and let someone have a chance at winning. I wasn't that nice all the time though LOL cause I did enter quite a few.

One of the giveaways I entered was from Katy at Somewhere Over the Rainbow. She started her shop to honor her daughter that was lost to stillbirth. She makes these incredible little blocks and lots of other goodies in her shop. Up for grabs in the giveaway was a Custom Baby Birth Block. I thought this was something unique that wasn't like anything else in my angel baby collection. So I entered!!

Woo Hoo, I got an email a couple weeks later after the magazine had launched that said I won the Birth Block! How cool! I went to the shop and looked at her display piece to decide how I wanted my block to be. I had planned to make the block for Bailey but I didn't have a good picture to use. So then I figured I would use Matthew. Poor Matthew gets left out sometimes when I order things for my ABCs. I took a couple days to think about it, and with the help of a new friend, I decided to ask Katy if we could alter her original design just a bit. She agreed and this is what I asked her for. A big D on top for our last name. Then each side: Alyssa Jane 12.1.90 with pink, Bailey Noel 10.30.95-11.1.95 with purple, Matthew Ryan 11.30.00 with yellow, and Christian Erin 10.1.05 with blue. I also asked if she could put some kind of angel wing on the three I lost to differentiate them from Matthew.

I got this in the mail just the other day

The top and bottom

The four sides

I opened it up quickly and just gazed at each side. It was absolutely perfect!! Better yet, it had ALL my babies on it not just the one living or the ones not. Tears in my eyes, I just sat there and held it in my lap for a good five minutes, cherishing every little thing about it.

I really can't say Thank YOU enough to Fran at SBS and Katy at SOTR (and Jessica for helping decide what to put on it). These little types of mementos are what I cling to on bad days. Having this little block sitting in my cabinet reminds me they did DO exist and that my love for them is everlasting. <3 ABMC <3

By the way, see this guest post on SBS from Katy about a special in her store for Spring. This is a great opportunity to get a tangible piece of art and support the Babyloss community as well. I hope you can get a block too!!

Bittersweet

Yesterday and today were filled with fun and surprises and accomplishments.

We were able to see my son in his 5th grade play yesterday morning.
We attended his crossing over ceremony last night where he officially crossed over to Boy Scouts.
He received all his pins he had earned and a trophy for 1st place in Pinewood Derby.
He also received a very special Arrow of Light award plaque that he earned.

This morning it was off to the school for his 5th grade award ceremony. He received a Reading Achievement Certificate and an A-B Honor Roll Ribbon. Insert very proud Momma here!

We came home to relax and suddenly it hit me that Christian should be graduating Kindergarten. I should have a ton of pics of my littlest one in his cap and gown marching along the stage holding his big boy diploma. I'm not sure what made me think of that but the moment of proud Momma had passed and was replaced by sad Momma.

Sad Momma should be celebrating the accomplishments of my oldest which I guess would be in her 2nd year of college.

Sad Momma should be congratulating my Bailey on completing 10th grade and looking forward to all the fun of a high school Junior.

And of course, my little Kindergarten graduate.

These are the moments when I'm reminded my grief will last a lifetime. These are the moments that haunt me.

A Lifetime of Grief

Not too long ago I was watching a program about psychic mediums. This lady had the medium come to her house because she wanted to 'connect' with her deceased mother. Well in the time her appointment had been scheduled, her ailing father passed. She was unsure if she would 'hear' from him since he had just so recently passed. The medium began with her father, her mother was there to meet him on the other side and he was at peace. He was grateful for all she had done for him and he was whole again and reunited with his long lost wife that had passed some 19 years prior. After hearing what the medium had told her, the lady said she was at peace with her father's passing. She could be happy for him and could live out the rest of her life knowing that he was with her mom. Then she said, she didn't have to grieve for him anymore.

I have been stewing about this for some time. How is it that this woman can stop grieving for her father?

Breaking it down:

PEACE - with acceptance comes peace. When you accept in your heart that what has happened can not be changed then you can move forward with peace. It is a choice that has to be made in your heart. You choose to be hopeful, joyful, and let peace come to you. I wrote a little about my peace here last week. As I said, there will be dark days to navigate but you can still live with peace in your heart.

GRIEF - I thought, when I heard this woman speak of her ability to stop grieving, how wonderful it would be for that to come with the peace I already have. For her, I imagine the two go hand-in-hand and that's what seemed strange to me. They are not one for me and I suspect not for anyone that has ever lost a child. I have peace because I believe Bailey lived her life to the fullest. I would have loved for her life to be more than just two shorts days but sickness intervened and she had to leave my world. I am at peace with that. BUT, the big but, I will always grieve for her.

I will grieve the lost memories that were never made. 

I will grieve the moments not shared. 

I will grieve her as my son grows. 

I will grieve never really knowing what kind of person she would have grown to be. 

I will grieve not knowing the sound of her voice. 

I will grieve her when I am old. 

I will never stop grieving for what would have been for our lives together. 

So I believe this woman can stop grieving because her father lived a full long life. There was nothing else to long for. As I walk this funny road of peace, I still carry a lifetime of grief for what would have been. I think that is completely normal when a life is cut way too short.

I grieve because I love.

A Road of Peace

Years ago, I could hardly imagine the here and now of today.

It seems like yesterday that I was sitting in my walk-in closet on the floor crying for the ache that would not go away. It took months for me to realize what was happening, this grief, was going to be a road I needed to travel. Not a road I ever wanted to take but one that I was placed on. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz and told to follow the yellow-brick road. I didn't know which way to go, which way to turn, where the road would take me. I was scared. Probably more scared though not to walk that road and stay on the path I was on. A path to nowhere that traveled in circles back to a beginning end.

Today, the road is passable. It's a road I will take for the rest of my life. I don't know how long the road is, only He does, but I can see my Emerald City in the distance and the streets are not yellow but GOLD.

The message here is to not give up HOPE that the road you are on can lead you back to a beautiful place. You can come through the woods to glorious pastures beyond. Pastures where there is beauty, where the air is pure, and where you can breathe again.

I'm not saying there will not be detours, that there will not be storms. I am saying that you can manage those obstacles and find yourself on a road of peace.

Believe me, when you choose hope, when you choose joy, when you choose peace, you will never want to go back to the darkness.

You can do it. You have to CHOOSE it. You can do it.

Journey or Destination...the spiritual road I travel

You know these sayings don't you?






I never gave it much of a thought. Journey ... Destination ... Whatever. I guess it was sometime after losing Bailey that I started hearing all this about a 'new normal' and a 'new journey'. I didn't really get it but i knew my life was different and things would never be the same again.

After having Matthew (5 years after Bailey) and thinking somehow finally having a baby in my aching arms would solve everything DUH, I realized that I am on a new journey. A journey of discovering who I am again. I ceased being the person I thought I was the moment I heard the ambulance driver say I had a grand mal seizure and they took my baby from me. In my heart I was a mother with no one to mother to and so I knew having another baby would not 'replace' Bailey but hopefully relieve the pain. Imagine my surprise when the pain was worse than ever. Having Matthew made me want Bailey all that much more and that grief sprung all over again had me pushing my newborn son away. Luckily my hubby, my mom, and my Dr saw what was happening and got me the help I needed to bond with my baby and continue to grieve Bailey too.

I didn't grow up in the church really but I felt I had a fairly good relationship with God. I never once blamed Him or questioned Him about her death but years and years later I found myself pulling away, not believing He was there for me, and all because of circumstances that had nothing to do with losing Bailey. I felt like I was still on His side after all that and He owed me for what had been taken away. I wasn't asking for much, really trivial things, and I felt betrayed.

When Matthew started school and began church classes I realized the time was right to put my bitterness aside and receive God back into my life again, if He would have me. I wanted my son to be able to come to me if he had questions, I wanted us to be a whole Christian family. We all started going to church again. From the moment I sat down I burst into tears. I felt the Holy Spirit all around me like a warm hug from Jesus Himself. It was like all the bad things I had said were forgotten, all the hurt in my heart was released, and God was saying, "welcome home". I still do not attend a church service without at some point having a tear in my eye. He moves me.

When I asked to join the church and to be baptized I had to write a letter explaining why I was ready. I sat down to write that letter and I pictured a long road ahead of me. This was my new journey with Christ by my side. But I didn't feel as if I was living for this journey, I felt like I was living for the destination ahead of me. Eternal life. Eternal joy with my children was my destination. And so from that day forward I promised to strive to live my life in a way that would make my children in Heaven proud to say "I am their Mommy". To live in a way that pleased God the best I could. I believe my babies are with Jesus and so that is my ultimate goal too, to be with Jesus.

So I roll along this winding road of life, with grief in tow, with a different perspective maybe than others on what this life means. I am merely here to be the best person I can be, to be the encouragement to others that they need, to be a Mommy to my son, a wife, a daughter, a friend, a kind stranger, a testament to God's grace, and whatever else is asked of me until the day comes that I pass and can be reunited with my children in Heaven.

I'm not afraid of death anymore nor am I afraid to live.

My journey will end with the destination of a lifetime.

A different kind of Mother's Day

It's just at midnight here and so it is Sunday. A special Sunday at that. It is International Bereaved Mothers Day. That's kinda a mouth full to say 'I have lost a child and so I don't quite fit in on the OTHER Mother's Day.

I think this day is perfect for those of you like me. Let me tell you why.

The first traditional Mother's Day after Bailey passed was kinda hard for me. It had been nearly 7 months since she passed and I was starting to deal with my grief. I knew in my heart that I was a mother but I had nothing to show for it but a scar across my belly. And that I was not going to be sharing with everyone in public. We didn't attend church at the time so we decided that we would go out for breakfast and then have a nice dinner at home later. Hubby and I went to one of the chain breakfast places, you know the International one. We were having our breakfast when suddenly this girl came from the back with a basket in her arms. The basket was full of carnations. She went table to table handing out the flowers to the Moms. She came to my table and nearly passed hubby and I by. Hubby asked if I could get a flower. She said these flowers were for Mothers. He said She is a Mother. Just then the girl looked at me and said "Then where are your kids?" Without skipping a beat I replied, "MY DAUGHTER IS DEAD!" She didn't say anything, laid a flower on the table and went on about her business.

I couldn't decide if I was more hurt or angry. How dare her question me? It was one of those moments when you are so angry you start crying and your heart feels like it's gonna jump out of your throat. I was devastated.  I got up and went out to the car. Hubby made sure to stop by the front counter and have a chat with the manager. I literally could not tell you what happened next. Couldn't tell you what we had for dinner or anything else we did that day. That one incident was IS ingrained in my mind forever. Happy Mother's Day to me.

So now there is a day that is perfect for me to openly remember my babies that aren't with me. To celebrate that I created their lives no matter how short their time was. I am their Mom and I always will be and nobody can take that away from me, especially today.

If you are a Babyloss Mom like me, I hope you take time to celebrate yourself today. Be gentle on yourself today no matter where you are on your journey and simply focus on the fact that YOU ARE A MOM!

Please visit International Bereaved Mothers Day on Facebook. In the photo section is a gallery of flowers like the ones in the picture below that you can use and share with friends and family that celebrate in this special way as well.

It's times like these

It's times like these

when it's late

and the room is quiet

and mostly dark

that I think of you

and my heart hurts

as my mind wonders

to where you would be today

and the tears fall

and my head aches

and the room spins

all with memories not made

Firefly Sunset Butterfly by CarlyMarie