Facing the light

It's been a while since I last wrote. I took some time with Bailey's season to take in all the emotions I had been feeling for months. It was nice to draw and paint a bit, get ready for Thanksgiving with family coming, get ready for my son's birthday, and prepare for Alyssa's special day too. I have stepped back from posting a lot on the FB page too. Not because I'm trying to get away from everyone but every now and again you need to step back from all the pain. I try to keep the page upbeat and hopeful but in doing that I have to read and research a lot of other sites and sometimes it weighs heavy.

There's been something else going on and I really wasn't sure it would be something I would talk about here but the feelings were so overwhelming. I know this post is going to be uncomfortable for some to read, mostly family, but this is the place I feel most people will 'get it'.

For nearly 6 months now I've been having some off blood work. I was going back every month and re-checking and with the same or worse results. My primary sent me to an Hematologist to see if he could figure out what was going on. Hubby and I get to the appointment and got a little lost finding the office. It's one of those medical office facilities where lots of different Drs practice together. So I'm looking for Hematology and I walk by the place where you get the blood drawn. They knew I was lost from the blank stare I guess so they asked me who I was looking for. Oh that's right next door! What? Right next door is Oncology. That's a cancer Dr by the way.

It was a bit odd sitting there, looking at the breast cancer info all over, wondering if the others waiting were like me or did they already know they have cancer. The big scary C-word! We talked with the Dr and he decided to send me back over to the lab. He was testing me for Leukemia. It would take two weeks for the results to come in and I would go back to find out for sure.

I left the office feeling a bit like Hmm that's not what I was expecting at all. I wasn't really worried though. First I thought that people with cancer wither away. I'm a healthy girl and I mean that in the fluffy way so there's no way I could have cancer. I felt like it is what it is. I didn't freak out. I know God is in control and whatever is meant to happen will happen. That was the first week.

The second week, waiting for Friday to come. I began to think about Matthew. I began to think about things I would make for him so he would have these things his whole life to look back on. So he would have tangible objects that remind him of me. So that he would know that he was my reason for living with Bailey. So that he would know how much he is and will always be loved, even from Heaven.

*Insert proceed with caution here*
I also thought about going to Heaven. It made me smile. I thought about what it would be like to meet my babies at the gate. I was happy about it. That's right, you heard me, HAPPY about the prospect of having cancer. Happy about the prospect of suffering through a long and painful end to my journey. You see this is what I have always prayed for. I have prayed that I die from a disease. No matter the pain and suffering. I want my family to be able to say goodbye. Albeit I would prefer them not to have to endure a long battle, but long enough to say what needs to be said and be able to make more memories they will be able to share with each other. I've never wanted a sudden death where they can not have closure.

We went back to the Dr. It's not Leukemia he says. Relief? yes. Discouraged? yes, a little bit. The thought of leaving this cruel world with all it's evil and meanness behind and spending eternity with my loved ones already gone, seemed like, well, Heaven!

I still have no answers for my blood work. I am though looking toward the future. I had decided that I would not just up and leave my family. I would fight the cancer, I would try to live, but I would be 'ok to go' if that was the plan. Now I understand that if those results had come back differently, I would have had to rethink all of this and really who knows what I would want. But for now, I can say that when I was facing the light; it was beautiful, it was intriguing, and it felt like home.

The way I wish it was + saying goodbye

I didn't have any fancy notions of her birth or even our lives together. I had researched water births. I didn't really want a home birth but a water birth in the hospital. I thought the idea of the baby leaving the warmth of my womb and entering the world in the warmth of the tub made me feel comfortable for her. The idea of that shock of cold like flinging open the curtain after a hot shower and someone left the door open gave me chills, for real. It seemed like a more peaceful transition into the world and I wanted that for her.

The furthest I had really thought into the future was to the next Halloween. She was due in early February so she would be nearly 9 months old and I thought that was a great age for her first Halloween. I hadn't really thought about costumes but more about dressing her little cute butt up and visiting in our little cul-de-sac before hopping in the car and visiting friends and family to show her off.

I suppose the further along in my pregnancy I would have thought more about the milestones that lie ahead but at 25wks 3dys things began to change. There was to be no water birth but a quick quick surgery to remove the baby that was killing me like she was a cancer of some sort. How sad to think of her that way because was it really her or my body that had failed to carry her properly? Those questions mean much less today mostly because our fate was sealed back then seventeen years ago. Her days were numbered and her number was 2.

I wish I had gone to term.
I wish she would have been born in a bath of warm water.
I wish she had weighed more than just 440grams.
I wish she had come out and been put on my chest.
I wish we could have taken all kinds of birth pictures.
I wish we could have taken her home from the hospital.

It's taken me all these years to realize that we, Bailey and I, made the greatest sacrifices we will ever make. She was taken from me. Of course that was not her choice, but nonetheless she sacrificed her life for mine. That long ago, technology was not as advanced. A baby born at less than 26wks that measured more the size of a 22-weeker had very little chance of surviving. I believe in my heart though that she lived the life she was supposed to live. She was not meant to live longer than she did. She lived her whole life in a matter of hours and I was her Mommy the whole time.

In the end, I had to return the favor of sacrifice. I gave her what SHE needed instead of what my heart yearned for. I gave her the gift of being free, being whole, being forever perfect. It was the hardest and yet the most peaceful decision I will ever make. I gave her life in this world and I gave her life eternal. I don't believe it was any coincidence that she passed into Jesus' arms on All Saints Day.

She is my little Saint in Heaven.

The way it was

Lots of meds made this day 17 years ago pretty blurry in my mind. There are still things this many years later that just aren't clear. I don't think they will ever be and as the years move on, the people that were lucid, well without drugs anyway, don't remember the way I need them to when I have questions.

I remember the transfer to the better hospital. The hospital that had one of the best children's hospitals in the East attached to it. I don't remember getting on the gurney or into the ambulance. I think the terrible city roads must have jarred me awake. I was strapped in on my left side. My hubby and the attendant were talking. He told me to stay on my side and my hubby quickly told him I was trying to. It was a rough ride.

I remember arriving through the ER and my best friend being there when the big doors slid open. She was crying and telling me everything was going to be ok. Fast forward to my room. I was in and out. I remember my BFF playing with the bag of urine attached to the side of my bed. I can't remember why exactly but I do remember telling her to put it down cause she was blowing up my bladder.

I remember trying to get the epidural. Sitting still wasn't really a problem since I was drugged out of my mind but I know he stuck me at least twice before leaving the room to retrieve a smaller needle. I don't remember the OR, I don't remember the birth, I remember waking up in a different room and it was dark. The lights were off but I think it might have been overcast or rainy. I remember one visitor and the nurses bringing me two very blurry Polaroid pictures of my new baby. I suppose at some point I knew my Mom had arrived from Florida because later that night I woke up not being able to breath. I was panicking. I pushed the nurses button. She came and put the oxygen mask on me. I told her I wanted to call my Mom and so she got the me the phone and I carefully dialed my grandmother's phone number and asked my Mommy to come be with me.

Countdown

Truthfully the countdown has been happening for a couple of months now. I have been angry, and sad, and demanding, and rude, and just down right no fun to be around. About two weeks ago I snapped at my hubby, again, and I just went in to the bathroom and cried. I was tired of being so angry. I was tired of my mood turning on a dime. Fine one minute, ready to scratch your eyes out the next. Really embarrassed by the thoughts in my head sometimes. Like when I went to the Dr to get my blood checked and an old man came in after me and they called him right back. First I thought I need to knock this old guy over and say I was here first!! Then I thought I'm gonna make this woman back here explain herself to me, after all it was a walk-in clinic not an appt clinic and I should have been first. Anyhow, I calmed down by the time I got back there, gave my blood, and got out of there as soon as I could.

While crying in the bathroom I prayed that God would release this anger from me. I was driving the people away that I needed the most. More importantly, my hubby was feeding on my anger. When I got mad and snappy he got mad and snappy. I knew I needed to change my mood so he would too and our poor son wouldn't be caught in the middle of something. Within the next day I felt a release. I felt lighter. The anger was subsiding and my prayer had been answered.

Since then we have been more patient with each other. We've been here before, we recognized what was happening. The last couple of weeks have been much better. I have been actually kinda numb leading up to tomorrow. I think that's what is best for me right now. Typically, I would start reliving the nightmare of losing my daughter about the 27th.

October 27th is when I forced myself in the Drs office to try to get answers about my weight gain. They couldn't tell me, they just blew me off with pamphlets about sodium.

October 28th I was sick all day, later that night I had a small stroke and didn't realize what was happening. Luckily it was not severe and I basically slept it off.

October 29th I had been up all night sick, called the ER, they said if I felt the baby move then it was up to me if I came in or not. I got off the phone, laid back and waited, and she moved and moved allover. Later in the morning I called the Dr and told him what was happening. He said sounded like I had the stomach flu and for me to call the office first thing Monday morning to come in. I would see him later that night in the ER after having a seizure on my sofa. He would tell me that basically my baby was making me sick and she needed to come out. I could barely talk but I remember saying it's not time. He said it didn't matter, she had to come out. I spent the next, what I think was, few hours in a dark cold room waiting to be transported to another hospital where my daughter could be taken and receive the best care possible.

CYG2012 Days 23-26

Day 23: Their Name/Their photo
I struggled with this one because I'm not too keen on sharing her on the internet but I felt as part of this process I wanted to share her with you.

Day 24: Siblings
I was thinking about how I would capture this picture. I thought about having my son hold the names of my three babies but then I remembered this picture. He has known about her his whole life. I believe she was in the womb with him telling him all about us and giving him hiccups too. It was always his "job" to pick out flowers for her. This is the closest I will ever come to having my children in one picture together but I love it just the same.

Day 25: Baby Shower/Blessing
I was never able to have a shower. My miscarriages were very early and I had Bailey at nearly 26wks. We hardly had anything for her. My Dad bought us the crib and changing table. Her room was not even close to being set up. We thought we had a lot more time. In fact we should have had at least 12 more weeks with her. Sometimes I think not having a shower was a blessing. The thought of having all that stuff that so many people bought us loving on our daughter and having to come home from the hospital to have it all be for nothing. A blessing and a curse I guess. I opted for no picture for today cause I couldn't think of a way to express how I feel about it.

Day 26: Their age
I saw someone earlier use one of Carly's pictures to write their ages on and I thought that would be perfect for me too. Missing my babies for 22, 17, and 7 years. Bailey's birthday is in 4 days and I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it being 17 years since the last time I held her.

CYG2012 Day 22

Day 22: Place of Care/Birth
This is Children's Hospital of the King's Daughters (CHKD) in Norfolk, Virginia. This is where my daughter was born and lived for two days. I believe there was no better place for her to receive treatment and the best chance at life. Although this is where ultimately she left us, I still feel a close bond to this hospital as it was the last place I held my daughter, now nearly 17 years ago.

For more information about this hospital, go to chkd.org.

CYG2012 Days 20 & 21

Day 20: Charity/Organization
There have been so many organizations that touched my heart since losing my children. The very first was Empty Arms that helped me see it was ok to take care of myself after losing Bailey. Some that are close to my heart are March of Dimes, Compassionate Friends, MEND, and nearly countless other support groups I found through FB. However, the one that is closest to my heart is the support page I started in honor and memory of my babies, Rest In Hope. Since I opened the page my goal has been to offer encouragement through hope to those that have lost a baby but ultimately to provide for funeral expenses and grave markers. So far we have been able to contribute support throughout the community but have not been able to raise enough funding to provide a marker. That is our future!
Please feel free to visit us anytime http://www.facebook.com/RestInHope

Day 21: Sacred Space
I don't really have one place in my home that I can call a sacred space where all of my baby things are located. They are kinda scattered all around so I see them any where I go. I would like to, one day, have an office space where I can display all of the beautiful pictures and paintings I have received over the years. This picture is from my bookcase.

CYG2012 Days 16-19

Day 16: Release
Two beautiful friends held a lantern release last month and this was my lantern sent to Heaven for my babies and those in our local support group.

Day 17: Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates

We have done many different things in the past for birthdays but just remembering her on her special days is important to me. Even if we don't throw a big party or balloon release, I believe she knows that we are thinking of her and love her so much. These are the special days of my Bailey-girl.

Day 18: Family portrait

We don't have a traditional family portrait since three of our babies are missing. My beautiful friend Missi painted a family portrait for me. I cherish it!!

Day 19: Project 
I have a few projects that I work on over the year. One is making little tiny hats to donate to my local hospital, I make them under the name of Bailey's Bonnets. Recently I started a campaign to raise awareness for babyloss and break the silence. It's called Be the VOICE! I encourage parents to "be the voice" of their child. To speak for them and make their names heard. 

A Day of Remembrance ~ October 15 + CYG2012 Day 15

Half-way through the month of October, a month proclaimed in 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, this is our Day of Remembrance. This is the day we publicly proclaim the lives of our babies. The babies we carried in our womb. Some we never met, some that were born but never cried, some that cried but only briefly before they left us all too soon.

This day brings mixed emotions for me. It is half-way between two of my losses. My Christian whom I celebrate on October 1st and may daughter Bailey who was born at 25wks 5days on October 30th. This year has been particularly hard and I'm not exactly sure why. I think it may have to do with this being Bailey's 17th birthday. Seventeen years! It's hard for me to wrap my mind around it being that long. Sometimes it feels like yesterday.

But today, today I want to be a proud Momma. I want to tell everyone that will listen that I have more than one child. That's right, the child you see me at the store with is my only living son. I have three other children as well and they are just as much loved as the son that stands right beside me. You can't see them but they are near. They are in my heart. I named them. It doesn't matter to me that two of them were only alive for weeks or that one of them lived for two days outside of me. It doesn't matter because they were all wanted, all loved, and I had dreams for each one of them.

So today, I am the voice of my children gone too soon. I encourage you to share your child today as well. Perhaps you came across this post and you have never lost a child, well then consider yourself lucky because 1 in every 4 women will experience a loss of this type. 1 in 4 will have their life changed forever. So chances are you know someone that has lost a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. You may say that you don't know anyone but I would bet you if you shared the graphic below on your personal Facebook page that your friends would let you know that they have had a loss. Women have lived these losses in quiet and alone for years and only until you have a loss or you show support for those that have will you know the extent of how affected you are in your little circle of the world. Please help us break the silence and support those that have lost a baby today!

You are welcome to use or share the profile graphic or timeline cover below to raise awareness and remember our babies today. The graphics for you to use or share can be found here.

As for me, today I remember my babies:

Alyssa Jane ~ early miscarriage in 1990, celebrated on December 1st

Bailey Noel ~ born at 25w5d, October 30, 1995- November 1, 1995

Christian Erin ~ early miscarriage in 2005, celebrated on October 1st

* * * * * * * ******************************************* * * * * * * * *

I thought I would just add the photo challenge pic to this post. Day 15: Wave of Light

Day 15: Wave of Light

At 7pm this evening I lit these candles in memory and honor of my 3 babies and all the babies everywhere that left us too soon. <3 ABC <3

CYG2012 Days 13 & 14

Day 13: Signs
I see my babies' hello in lots of different ways but I love seeing their names or initials on tv or in public. It reminds me that they are close by and reminding me they love me.

Day 14: Community
The online BL community has been a huge support to me but my local MEND support group is who knows me and listens to me and hugs me. We had a celebration Saturday night and it was wonderful to get together in fellowship to remember our babies.

CYG2012: Days 9-12

I have still been steadily participating in the photo challenge but just haven't been able to keep up the blog each day so here is the wrap-up of the last 4 days.

Day 9: Special place
This one was hard. I used Bailey's grave on day 5 so I had to really think about another special place. We have moved around a lot and with Bailey buried in VA and us not being there to visit, we started going to cemeteries that are local and visiting. I have always had a connection with cemeteries and I am quite at peace there. I walk through, read the names, say little prayers, take pictures, and leave flowers on those tiny baby graves. I can't do that for my daughter right now so it is comforting to do it for someone else.

Day 10: Symbol
I don't have just one. There are many things that remind me of my babies. Butterflies, dragonflies, their initials ABC, and more. I think the one that brings me the most comfort is the sky, looking to the heavens and the clouds, and feeling like they are so much closer than they really are.

Day 11: Supportive Friends and Family
I have had so much support since reaching out to the online community. I am afraid to list everyone because I'm scared I will leave someone out. You all know who you are, you know you are precious to my heart! My family is supportive as well but most importantly I think is my rainbow. He is my world and he knows all about his siblings and understands my grief. We can talk openly about life and death and Heaven. He is my rock and my reason to be strong.

Day 12: Scents
I don't have any particular scents that remind me of my babies specifically. Nothing that can take me back to the hospital or even the cemetery. But this time of year, fall, reminds of them. So the scents of the season remind me of Bailey especially. Pumpkin spice, apple pies, and cider.

CYG2012 Day 8: Jewelry

Special piece of jewelry. Here are 3 pieces I had hand-stamped from Kayce Jones Designs and two from special pendants from Beth Quinn Designs.

Day 8: Jewelry

I have lots of jewelry that I have acquired over the years. I picked a few of the pieces I got hand-stamped and two pieces I had special made with significant sayings. 

For more info on KJD you can visit her FB page here.
For more info on BQD you can visit her FB page here.

CYG2012 Day 7: What to say

It really is hard to what to know what to say to someone who has lost a baby. Even for me! That's because you can never be sure of what will be receptive at any time. What's comforting for one person can sting the next. What can sting today can be comforting tomorrow. It's all about perception and life experiences. I've found it's just easier to say your sorry. If this person is close to you then let them know that you will never forget their baby.

Day 7: Over the years I have found that saying the right thing is hard to do. Everyone's grief is different and life experiences makes even the kindest words left up to perception. What works for one person could sting the next. I have found these two phrases have always worked for me. If you're just not sure what to say I'm sorry is always welcomed. And as we are all afraid that people will forget our child over the years, the next phrase is just comforting.

CYG2012 Day 6: What not to say

What not to say to someone that has lost a baby...

I heard many many of the most typical responses but these are the ones I heard most. I think I was probably either too much in shock or just too tolerant to be seriously hurt by these remarks. However I was extremely surprised by the miscarriage comment.

Day 6: What not to say
I don't feel the sting of these words anymore. I realize that most of the time people speak these words because they think it's comforting. I can't blame them for not understanding. Truth is I hope they never do.

Except maybe the miscarriage one, I think that's just, well rude and misinformed at the very least. Matthew 19:14 But Jesus said, “Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

CYG2012 Day 5: Memorial

Memorial:

My daughter's grave site in Virginia. I miss visiting her so much, taking her pretty flowers and balloons, and just sitting there having a little talk.

Day 5: Memorial
This is my Bailey girls burial marker. This was probably the only part of any of her care or planning that I took part in since I was very sick. As soon as I was able we went to pick out a marker. I barely remember looking through books of different designs but I remember when I saw the angel with the two children crossing the bridge, that is what I wanted for her. She is buried in Virginia and we are currently in Texas. It is very difficult to not be close to visit. I know her spirit is always with me but there is something special about being so close to her perfect body. I miss her desperately and wish I could visit her for her 17th birthday at the end of the month.

CYG2012 Day 4: Treasured Item

Treasured items. I don't have too many. Some things I got from the hospital got packed up many years ago in the beginning of what would be many many moves and is currently "lost" in a storage unit 5 hours away. I wish I knew the exact box her stuff was in so I could go there and get it. I want her stuff with me!!! I want to hold it and look at it and cry on it. I have very few tangible items and they are oh so precious!

For the challenge I chose her little picture book with all of 17 pictures in it. No professional pictures of her little feet and tiny fingers, no pictures of them at all unfortunately. Just a few of the first time I was able to hold her and some of when we held her after we took her off support.

Day 4: Treasured Item
I don't have many things of Bailey's. I had three Polaroids the nurses took and gave us, all of which are blurry. We got a few pictures in the "quiet room" as we held her and passed her around to meet all her grandparents. Not nearly enough. While I know I have more than some people I still find myself envious of those with pictures of their baby professionally done. Heck I'm envious of those with cell phones. 17 years ago we didn't have those things.

CYG2012 Day 3: After Loss

I debated on which picture to post for this day's challenge. So much of the AFTER is about anger, sadness, pain, etc. I wanted to show a different side. This is the face of someone that knows more pain than anyone should ever have to know. It's not the face of the happy-go-lucky 19 year old she used to be but the face of a 42 year old that can still muster a smile.

Here is my submission for Day 3 and what I wrote as a caption.

Day 3: After loss
I was undecided as to what kind of picture to post for day 3. I have years and years of "after" since my losses span 20 years but I felt it was more important to show a picture of me now, present time, in which I'm at peace with my three losses. That doesn't mean I don't have my days (or months like October lol) but my heart is settled knowing that each day is one day closer to seeing them again and I have joy and hope in my life. I know that may seem strange or way too far off for some of you but it can happen, it just takes time, it's a process. Don't be hard on yourself and trust your journey.

CYG2012 Day 2: Before loss

It's gonna be a long month so from here on out I will abbreviate Capture Your Grief as CYG2012.

Day 2: Before loss

This picture was taken in September of 1995 when the hubby and I went to FL to visit my Mom. Here we were getting ready to get on Discovery and take a day cruise. The next day we drove down to Key West and I had one picture down there taken at the Southernmost Point. These two pictures are the only pictures I have from my pregnancy with Bailey. Of course, I thought I would have more time and be able to take lots of baby bump pictures. I had not even purchased any maternity clothes yet. You can hardly tell I'm pregnant here in my baggy shirt I was wearing for comfort. After I got home I bought two new maternity shirts that I never got to wear. Just about 8 short weeks later she would be taken from me in order to save my life.

I was blissfully happy here and I miss that.

Christian's Day 7 years

It's been 7 years since he lived and I still miss what he would have become and how the dynamic of our family would have changed with him here.

I'd like to thank everyone to supported me today. It was not all a bad day. I am exhausted but happy to go to bed feeling loved tonight. I have so many friends that understand what this kind of day means and they went out of their way today to help me. I appreciate each and every one of you!

Here is the picture I posted for Capture Your Grief Day 1:

This the profile picture I used for RIH and my personal page:

And this the is cover I used on my personal page:

I decided a little over a month ago that I am going to share more on my personal page and not shy away from it because my friends might not like it. So that is why the wording was added to the cover.

I'm beat so off to bed. See you tomorrow for Day 2! 

October 1, 2012 Christian's Day

Today is Christian's Day!! It is the 7th anniversary of his life.

I thought this year I would share his story as I wrote it last year for a photography and grief class.

It was 2005, we decided it was finally time to start trying again. Matthew was 4 and really wanted me to have twins like Dora’s mom did. HA! After a couple of layoffs we were getting back to a good place financially. We would have tried sooner had we not had to deal with the layoffs and subsequent moves. I was told after I had Bailey that my risk for having all the same problems was very high. It’s not normal to have Eclamptic seizures and HELLP Syndrome in the 2nd trimester. The Dr said I would have a ‘window’ to be able to have more children in safely and he had no way to determine how long that window would stay open. We had Matthew in 2000 with no problems other than the usual pregnancy issues like sickness and swelling. I was monitored very closely and it looked like the Dr was right, my window was wide open. We knew we needed to get started again asap to take full advantage of our window. Well, in true form for me, I got pregnant right away. I knew it just as I had known it with my other pregnancies. I had sickness and fatigue almost immediately. And my boobs ugh! It looked like I would be due in late June/early July of 2006. When I missed my period, I took a test, it was negative. WHAT? How could this be? I’m sick, I’m tired, is it in my head? What’s going on? I waited another day and took a test again. It was POSITIVE! Thank goodness, I thought I was going crazy. I didn't get to enjoy my good news long, the next week I started to spot. I called the NP at my PCP and she told me it sounded like I was having a miscarriage and that I should wait a couple of days to see what happens and call her again. I continued to spot lightly for a couple of days and decided to take another test. It was positive. My fear was that I might be pregnant with twins and losing one so I called the NP back. Again, she was not of much help, and basically said that my body was taking care of itself and I should just “let it happen”. I was devastated. After a few more days and no change, I called my OB/Gyn. I know, I should have just done that in the first place. He had me go to the hospital and get blood drawn. I thought he would never call back. He said my hormone levels were high but not as high as they should be. I was losing my baby. He decided against a D&C and had me come back to the hospital in a few days. My levels were dropping, so I was to wait three more days and come back again. I spent two weeks getting blood drawn when finally my levels were where he wanted them to be. I continued to bleed for another two weeks. It was the longest month of my life. It brought back so many memories of Bailey and how I bled and bled and bled. It killed me a little more every time I saw that blood, it was a reminder of my loss. The same with this baby. I just wanted the bleeding to stop! 

The last day I knew I was pregnant for sure was Oct 1st so that is the day we celebrate Christian. I believed him to be a boy but we gave him the middle name of Erin which is traditionally thought of as the feminine spelling. In my defense, my baby name book showed Erin as being used for both genders. 

So, I was told this was my window closing and I was told I would probably not ever carry another baby to term and the risk to my health would increase the longer I was pregnant. My husband and I decided that we could not risk my health to have another baby. The chances of really having another baby were slim and my being around for Matthew was more important. What a hard decision, and one I think about nearly everyday. I hate that I can’t try again. All in all, my mind tells me that we made the right decision but my heart aches for another baby.

September 30

It's Sunday September 30.

Most years I dread this day cause it's the last day of September and that means tomorrow is Christian's Day and the beginning of an emotional month for me and a lot of people I know.

Today, it's like any other day I've had for the last month. Emotions teetering on the brink of tears at any given moment. Today I decided I would sleep in as long as I wanted/needed to and then just take an easy, not rushed, not feeling the need to accomplish anything kind of day.

I do plan to make Christian a cover for my FB pages so I can tell the world that it has been 7 years since he's been gone and that he is still very much loved and missed. I am planning to share his story here on the blog tomorrow as well.

I have made sure that October is full of things to keep me busy. Of course there is the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and day vigils/celebrations going on and in the planning.

I am working on a special BL Survivor artwork I hope to unveil within the next week or by the 15th.
I am selling wristbands that say Remembering My Angel and Rest In Hope
I will be participating in CarlyMarie's Capture Your Grief photo challenge for the month.
I will be participating in the Shine Bright: Discover Your Light ecourse
I will be opening an online storefront to sell jewelry, rosary, prayer beads, wristbands, artwork, prints, etc.

I am hoping by keeping myself so busy I have less time to be in my head and more time to be productive and give back. Here's praying that it works. I'm tired of pushing back the tears and trying to keep the anger that sneaks up on me in check. What I really need is a punching bag and a good cry! Anyone have a punching bag I can use?


For more information about the Capture Your Grief project go here.
For more information on the Shine Bright ecourse go here.
If you would like to purchase a wristband go here.

Surrender

I am facing what are most certainly some of the hardest days I've had in a long time. I'm not used to feeling some of this stuff anymore. Maybe that's why it's been so hard. The tears flow easily right now.

All the while still, friends are losing babies. It doesn't stop. Every day another baby goes to Heaven, multiple even around the world. We live in a world where death happens, evil happens and we fight it. We ignore it. We don't believe it can happen to us. We don't talk about it because then it may come to us. We say we're sorry, and we are, we change the subject maybe with a platitude, and we don't want to deal with it anymore, basically saying, "Don't bring your death into my life!".

Honestly I don't know how these people live in their little bubbles. I've lost family and friends many times in my life. I was never sheltered from death. I went to funerals and cemeteries and I'm thankful for that. Maybe I was being prepared for the death that would touch my life in a way that no parent should know.

Even now, when my pain is so raw. While the tears are so fresh I know what has to be done to survive.

Surrender!

We have to surrender to reality.
Surrender to death.
Surrender to what's gone.
Surrender to what's not coming back.
Surrender to what's been lost.
Surrender to what will never be.
and then
Surrender to life.

Life goes on. As cliche or just shitty as it sounds, it's true. We all know it. We learned the hard way when we wanted the world to know how bad we hurt and the world just went on without our baby.

I will make it through this dark time. The time will pass and I will smile again. I know because I've done it before. That makes me a survivor! I am a survivor! and I will get through this. My grief, my pain, my tears, they honor my children. They honor the love I have for them. I will surrender to survive!

Last night was HARD

I went to my monthly M.E.N.D. meeting last night. I love going. I love being able to go somewhere and be the voice of my children, speak their names like they are in the next room, and cry without anyone thinking I'm crazy. If you haven't tried going to a support group meeting, please try it at least once. The hardest part is getting there. Most that I have been to don't require you to say anything maybe other than your name. It's definitely a different atmosphere compared to individual counseling. There's no pressure to talk to answer questions or worry about saying the right or wrong things.

Things have been hard lately. I wrote about all the crazy stuff going on the other day and decided I needed to work out my issues on paper. Not only facing my demons but offer a blessing to my problems as well. I felt awesome after realizing that. I was having the best day I had had in weeks. Then, as the hubby was watching the final episode of MASH of all things, there was a scene where he was telling the lady to keep her chicken quiet. He told her to make it stop cause they were gonna find them and kill them all. He told her to keep the chicken quiet. Then the chicken was quiet, the woman was crying, and he looked back to see that she had killed her baby to save all of their lives. It was't a chicken IT WAS A BABY! I lost it. Right there sitting at the table where just moments earlier I was happy, now I was bawling my eyes out. Stupid TV program!

So back to last night. I got there early. A friend was bringing some candle votives for us to decorate for Oct 15th. We joked about having arts and crafts and I was laughing again. It felt good. I didn't want to have the regular meeting where we go around the room and introduce ourselves and our losses. I wanted to kick back with my paint pen and my votive and just have a good time, for a couple hours at least.

As everything else has been going lately, no luck for me. We had a new person show up. Glad she was able to come and talk out her problems but I wanted to be selfish, I wanted to just laugh and paint. We had to go around the room, it's was my turn. I kept a steady gaze on my candle holder and continued to paint as I said, "I had a miscarriage a long time ago, then I got pregnant with my daughter, then I had seizures and she was taken from me. She lived for two days. Then I had a son, then I had another miscarriage." Giant tears forming in my eyes. The kind so big that you wonder how they are still there and not rolling down your face, making your vision blurry until you blink and they fall. I sat there painting the rest of the night. In fact I painted 3 votives instead of just one. There were a couple of questions and I talked about my friend dying and how I think that thrust me into this deep pit right now.

I put Bailey's and Christian's birthdays in the newsletter and one of the nice girls brought it to me cause I didn't receive mine. I had it open to the page and I just stared at it all night. Every time I saw that 17, I just cried harder. I can't believe it's been soooo long since I last held or saw my baby girl. Those people aren't used to seeing this from me. They are used to me talking about hope and peace and joy. They don't see me like this and it's not what I wanted them to see. I don't want them to think I'm a hypocrite for preaching love and peace and then show up depressed and crying. But that's just my head speaking cause I know they understand it doesn't matter how strong you are or how at peace with your loss, there are just times that tears are needed, tears are welcome, to cleanse the soul and to make room for love again.

It's not even October yet and this month is weighing on me hard. The ache in my heart seems overwhelming at times. It's the ache of missing someone so much that you would bargain anything to see them, hold them, love them, one more time. Knowing that that day will come warms my aching heart, it soothes it a little. I wonder how many people understand wanting to die so bad to see your babies again but not wanting to die at all and leave your family and friends behind. You can't have it both ways so you live, the best you can to put a smile on those faces in Heaven. Blow them kisses and say I miss you, and I love you, and I will see you soon.

Demons and hills

As I was reading over a few comments on my last post, I was reminded that it is ok to take time to process the hard stuff in our lives. I want all the hard part to be over and done with already.  I'm supposed to be in the easy part now but suddenly I find myself dealing with thoughts and feelings I haven't felt in a long while.

I have been fighting it, wishing it would go away, praying for the next morning to be bright again full of light and peace. It's not gonna happen on it's own. I KNOW THIS! Not dealing with it only makes it seem to go away until something makes it pop up again and there you are, right back where you started.

I need to figure out exactly what these demons are and then fight them. Maybe I'm just in one of those lulls. The ups and downs of life, and I'm in the downs right now. Where it seems everything is against me and I'm constantly fighting to climb back up. I'm tired. I'm tired of climbing though.

Watching Christmas movies all day on TV does better my mood and my attitude but it's not really fixing the problem. I guess it's more like taking a break on the way on this hill. I'm trying to catch my breath so I can make it all the way to the top. Problem is I can't see the top right now, and I want to really really bad.

In two weeks I will celebrate the life of my last little one. My Christian Erin who will have been gone for 7 years now. I need to be moving up this hill by then so I can give him the honor he deserves. So while I will probably still have Christmas movies on during the day I am committing to focus on the issues.

Today I will start picking a problem and making a list of ways to fix it. I'm sure those ways will be long term goals and some beyond my control. Beyond my control because other people are involved, but maybe physically making a list will help sort through the mumbo-jumbo in my head.

So as I sat down to put this to virtual paper I saw a quote that gave me a bit of a jolt. Those little blessings that send me messages just when I need it most. And perhaps as I list my demons, I shall list my blessings as well. For there is the HOPE in the despair.

My plate is too full

There's been a lot going on lately, kinda behind the scenes. I haven't written or updated the FB page much the last few weeks. I really don't even know where to begin.

Well at the end of August we bought a new car. Our son is outgrowing us me and so too the little Jetta we had. The poor kid was scrunched in the back seat and literally had to turn sideways to get in and out. Any drive longer than 20 mins and he was complaining about his knees hurting. The car was failing in a lot of ways so we started looking for a used car. We were not getting qualified because we still owed too much on the Jetta so one salesperson suggested we buy new because of the incentives that come along with the new cars. It worked and we got something that my son can grow into and if need be will be able to ride in the front and me in the back.

This brought on a lot of anxiety about a new larger car payment. I have not worked regularly/and or job bounced for the last 5 years. In fact, the 24th will be 5 years exactly when I had my first severe vertigo attack. I'm not talking whoa I turned my head too fast dizzy, I'm talking full blown world spinning out of control don't know which way is up vertigo. It lasted nearly 10 hours and ended with a long ER visit to re-hydrate me and get my BP back up to normal. Ever since, the attacks come more often and with or without notice. So I don't work anymore cause I was getting fired for missing too many days, I don't drive anymore because I don't know when an attack is coming, and basically I go no where alone anymore. There have been  lots of tests and lots of meds and basically what Drs agree is the only cure is to sever the nerves in my ear, which will make me deaf. And since both ears are affected, well you get the picture. So I have been seriously stressing over money and trying to find some work at home job that is NOT a scam.

Then school started and what I hoped was going to be nice days of quiet and peace ended up just being frustration. Dealing with an issue with our new car wasn't helping either. Then I found out terrible news. A friend from our old hometown was murdered. I call her a friend, I consider her that. Maybe truth is she was more of an acquaintance. I met her when she was my son's teacher's assistant and new her for some time through school and church. She was an awesome woman with the light of the world in her eyes. Not only was she murdered but it came out that it was a murder-suicide in which her eldest son shot her, her daughter, her youngest son, and then himself. For two weeks I would have bad dreams and just not be able to sleep at all with my mind racing about what happened and how it happened. And of course WHY! I was sad that I could not be there to mourn and celebrate her with other friends. To show support to the family left behind and offer what ever I could to ease their pain, if only for a moment.

Then came the anger of not being where I would hope we would be over a year ago. We have moved around A LOT! Hubby has been laid off from 4 jobs in the last 11 years. Huge chunks of those years spent not working, looking for jobs, and moving to accommodate the jobs he did get, only to be laid off again. I know he does not want to stay where we are so I have been trying to figure out where a good place for us is. Asking for guidance, asking for help, asking that we can make one more move that will be the move where my son will graduate high school. No more switching schools. A place for us all to put down roots and settle in to the rest of our lives. However, close enough to family and friends to be able to visit from time to time. Still waiting.

Still waiting to incorporate Rest In Hope cause we had not planned to be in TX this long and not wanting to have to do it all over again in another state. What seems like putting my life on hold for something that doesn't seem to want to happen. Frustration is at an all time high.

My friend's death seems to have put me full ahead in the grief path that is October. Earlier than expected I am consumed by thoughts of death and the life after. The what if's and the what should've beens. I had planned on opening a shop to sell some art and jewelry items to help out the family and also try to raise money for Rest In Hope to help fund markers. I have several people I would like to help but can't cause I can't even help my own family right now. And over frustrated!! All this over-emotion has stifled my creativity, I don't even feel like I want to paint or draw or make anything. I just want to be, to sleep, to pass the days.

Back to the car, it's a simple thing really. Texas requires front license plates. We went to pick up our plates and realized there was no front bracket on the car. The salesperson wanted to drill the plate right into the bumper. Um NO! He called later and left a message saying he could order it for $30. My first thought was I'm not paying for something that should come with the car especially in a state the requires it. A call to the Customer Care Center and I found out it was included in the sales code and should've been in the car. They said that would have the dealership call. No call. Called back to the CCC to have a case manager assigned. This Tuesday she called to say after talking with the dealership it was determined that part was not made for the car. HUH? He can order it but it's not made?? OK right, I asked to speak to a manager and was told one would call. Still waiting. Wednesday I went on Dodge's FB page and left a little note, they contacted me and told me someone would call me by Friday. Still waiting. All of this frustration over a $30 part that I would have thought the dealer would have eaten to make the customer happy. Oh and found out yesterday that the dealer has the part on hand because I have the part number and so it does exist. All this extra crap on top of what is already been a rough few weeks. I literally broke down in tears while trying to call the CCC Tuesday and got disconnected.

There was a glimmer and a smile yesterday. For more than a year I have been emailing Precious Moments and leaving notes on their FB page about a piece that was retired. I urged them to bring it out of retirement because it's a babyloss piece and I know it would bring a lot of peace to so many moms out there. Finally! They did it. Mommy's Love Goes With You has been re-released and is scheduled for delivery mid-October. What could be better? This wonderful figurine delivered to me during the hardest time of the year for me. I know it will come on the day I need it most. I can't wait. Oh in case you're interested, the price is $50. You may think that is pricey, and you know what, it's pricey to me these days too but the only place I could find this was on eBay for $1200. Yes, one thousand two hundred dollars!

I'm sorry to make this post the size of a small eBook but I really needed to get this all off my chest. To kinda let everyone know what's been going on and why I have been a bit distant. Christian's Day is just around the corner October 1, and I can't help but think about this being his 7th year since he left and how he should be a rambunctious 1st grader. Time flies and then again it stands still when you miss someone soo much.

Thanks for sticking by Rest In Hope, my ultimate goal is to be an encouragement for those that find this blog or the FB page. I want people to know that life can be good again, you can love and mother your children in Heaven just as much more with a smile on your face and a smile in your heart. Oh and since I have only told a few, there is a book in the future. I am steadily compiling my words but in these days of pain that come along, it seems might far off. Being at peace with your loss doesn't mean that you won't always have a hole in your heart. And these days that I am having now, this pain I feel for Christian, and Bailey whose birthday is in Oct also, and even for Alyssa, it doesn't mean I have slid back down in the depths of grief. It means I love them more then I ever knew was possible and some days just hurt more than others.

A Gift from Far Away Places - like Australia

A couple of weeks ago I was writing about my little muses and how my beautiful friend was creating something wonderful for my family. She finished it last week and sent it on it's long way across the ocean from Australia all the way to Texas. Did I mention I love getting mail from overseas? Did I mention I love getting mail...period?! 

So to my surprise, and her's too, it showed up today. The nice mail lady laughed at me when I opened the door all giddy about my package. She had not even noticed where it had come from because she was too concerned about getting my signature for it. She thought it was cool too.

I brought it upstairs, took a picture of the box so I could let my friend know it had arrived safely then I pulled out the scissors and went to town getting that box open!!!

O...M...G...Oh my gorgeousness!! The colors are soooo pretty and even though I've gotten fairly good pictures of it, justice can not be served here. It is just that amazing in person. 

The poem is what my babies were whispering to me, keeping me up way too late, so that she could include it on the picture. So here is the poem:

Our family is not typical

We are missing a few

They live up in Heaven

Alyssa, Bailey, and Christian too

Three are grounded

With roots of love

And three fly around

In the skies above

I see you in the butterflies

On their wings your pure light gleams

I feel you in the dark of night

You are always in my dreams

We know you're always with us

And we shouldn't feel so blue

For one day Heaven will welcome us

To live forever with you

UPDATE. It has been about 2 weeks since I tried to post this. I have taken so many pictures and none of them came out. They either have a really bad glare or they are just blurry. I am giving up on the picture. I am feeling that there are three little ones that want to be the beauty of the picture in the family. However, so you can see the finished product I am going to show you the picture I got from the artist. So sorry. I will keep trying but I think it is futile.

Am I Speaking to YOU?

I was reminded tonight how really far away I am from the deep deep darkness I once felt. I am in constant praise for that.

However, I realize that babies are lost everyday, lots of them sadly. It makes me cry to think that someone, lots of someones, are out there at this very moment suffering a pain that no one ever ever wants to feel.

I guess this post is for you, if you are one of those people. I want to speak to you.

You may have found my blog from many other blogs that I link up with, or through Facebook, or maybe even from a babyloss website.

You may read my posts and think I'm crazy.
You may feel like I have no heart that I am able 'go on' the way I do.
You may click away.

I want you to know though that

I have been there
I have felt that pain and still do
I have been numb
I have been scared and scarred
I have wanted to scream as loud as I could and did
I have cried and cried until there were no more tears and wondered how that was even possible
I have been angry
I have been jealous
I have wanted to dig my baby girl from her grave to hold her just one more time
I have hated to go out in public
I have been bitter
I have burst into tears at the sight of a frilly Easter dress
I have wondered why her and not me

The list is endless really. What I'm trying to say is that I understand where you are at if you have just lost your baby. I understand that reading about someone that is at peace and has hope and joy in her life again can feel so far away, and maybe even plain stupid. Please remember though that I was there, where you are right now, I was there and I remember.

You are welcome here anytime, when YOU are ready, you can come back here and I pray you can find some hope in my words. In your time.

I am linking up with a wonderful blog Dear Finley, please join us

Day of Hope + an Epiphany

I changed my profile picture on Facebook today. That's not unusual, I change it a lot. Today I changed to a beautiful collage of two pictures to represent what today, August 19th, means to me.

Credit: CarlyMarie

And this is what I posted to my Facebook page today.

There are a hand-full of times throughout the year when I use my personal page to express my love and passion for speaking up for babies that have died. Today is one of those days. 

August 19th Day of Hope was created by a wonderful lady i

n Australia after the death of her son. She writes the names of babies that have died on the sandy beaches and photographs them at sunset for their parents to always have a memorial of their baby's name. 

Our babies were much loved and much wanted and were given a name with the expectation of dreams to be fulfilled. Sadly those dreams will never be realized for that child but their name is still so precious to us. Today is a day to speak up for lost babies. Tell the world that they are very much a part of our daily lives, we love to see and hear their names, and they are never ever forgotten. So I created an event for today where I am encouraging others to speak for their baby, to be their VOICE! Say their name openly and tell everyone how loved they still are. 

If you know someone that has lost a child, please urge them to go to this event page and list their baby's name on the wall for everyone to remember today...and every day! 

I know it's my Facebook page and I can put or say anything I want to on it, but often I take on the common uneasiness of putting my dead babies out there. I suppose I am afraid of making other people uneasy or maybe I just don't want anyone to think I'm crazy.

Is this not the very thing I hate about babyloss? I am an offender!!

So I have decided from now on, I will share my thoughts about babyloss on my personal page whenever or however, or even however often, I like. If those people that are "friends" on my page do not understand or wish to sweep me under the carpet as an unfortunate soul that is lost in the world of death, then those people are not my friends. I would hope that anyone that sees my posts and thinks strangely of me would send me a private message and ask me about my losses. Ask me WHY!! I'm certainly not afraid to speak about my babies and I am certainly not afraid to speak about loss so why do I shy away from it on my personal page?

Maybe it's because I have a page on Facebook specifically for loss and loss related topics. Maybe I'm trying to keep these two worlds separate?

NO MORE!

These two worlds collided years ago. They are not separate in my mind or in my heart so why should they be separate in real life? Or virtual life either?

I am mother to 4 children.
I am mother to 2 babies lost in miscarriage.
I am mother to 1 baby born at 25w5d and whom lived for 2 days before she had to leave us.
I am mother to one living child, a son.

This is me whether online or in real life.

From this day on, I will live as one for my babies. ALL of them!


** This post was supposed to be about speaking up for your babies. Being their VOICE!! Telling the world they are never forgotten. However, I had a bit of an epiphany when I posted to my personal page and realized I was doing exactly what I urge others not to do. I hope you will visit the event page to read about why I think this day is special **

A full array of beautiful Day of Hope awareness images can be found here.