A Gift from Far Away Places - like Australia

A couple of weeks ago I was writing about my little muses and how my beautiful friend was creating something wonderful for my family. She finished it last week and sent it on it's long way across the ocean from Australia all the way to Texas. Did I mention I love getting mail from overseas? Did I mention I love getting mail...period?! 

So to my surprise, and her's too, it showed up today. The nice mail lady laughed at me when I opened the door all giddy about my package. She had not even noticed where it had come from because she was too concerned about getting my signature for it. She thought it was cool too.

I brought it upstairs, took a picture of the box so I could let my friend know it had arrived safely then I pulled out the scissors and went to town getting that box open!!!

O...M...G...Oh my gorgeousness!! The colors are soooo pretty and even though I've gotten fairly good pictures of it, justice can not be served here. It is just that amazing in person. 

The poem is what my babies were whispering to me, keeping me up way too late, so that she could include it on the picture. So here is the poem:

Our family is not typical

We are missing a few

They live up in Heaven

Alyssa, Bailey, and Christian too

Three are grounded

With roots of love

And three fly around

In the skies above

I see you in the butterflies

On their wings your pure light gleams

I feel you in the dark of night

You are always in my dreams

We know you're always with us

And we shouldn't feel so blue

For one day Heaven will welcome us

To live forever with you

UPDATE. It has been about 2 weeks since I tried to post this. I have taken so many pictures and none of them came out. They either have a really bad glare or they are just blurry. I am giving up on the picture. I am feeling that there are three little ones that want to be the beauty of the picture in the family. However, so you can see the finished product I am going to show you the picture I got from the artist. So sorry. I will keep trying but I think it is futile.

Am I Speaking to YOU?

I was reminded tonight how really far away I am from the deep deep darkness I once felt. I am in constant praise for that.

However, I realize that babies are lost everyday, lots of them sadly. It makes me cry to think that someone, lots of someones, are out there at this very moment suffering a pain that no one ever ever wants to feel.

I guess this post is for you, if you are one of those people. I want to speak to you.

You may have found my blog from many other blogs that I link up with, or through Facebook, or maybe even from a babyloss website.

You may read my posts and think I'm crazy.
You may feel like I have no heart that I am able 'go on' the way I do.
You may click away.

I want you to know though that

I have been there
I have felt that pain and still do
I have been numb
I have been scared and scarred
I have wanted to scream as loud as I could and did
I have cried and cried until there were no more tears and wondered how that was even possible
I have been angry
I have been jealous
I have wanted to dig my baby girl from her grave to hold her just one more time
I have hated to go out in public
I have been bitter
I have burst into tears at the sight of a frilly Easter dress
I have wondered why her and not me

The list is endless really. What I'm trying to say is that I understand where you are at if you have just lost your baby. I understand that reading about someone that is at peace and has hope and joy in her life again can feel so far away, and maybe even plain stupid. Please remember though that I was there, where you are right now, I was there and I remember.

You are welcome here anytime, when YOU are ready, you can come back here and I pray you can find some hope in my words. In your time.

I am linking up with a wonderful blog Dear Finley, please join us

Day of Hope + an Epiphany

I changed my profile picture on Facebook today. That's not unusual, I change it a lot. Today I changed to a beautiful collage of two pictures to represent what today, August 19th, means to me.

Credit: CarlyMarie

And this is what I posted to my Facebook page today.

There are a hand-full of times throughout the year when I use my personal page to express my love and passion for speaking up for babies that have died. Today is one of those days. 

August 19th Day of Hope was created by a wonderful lady i

n Australia after the death of her son. She writes the names of babies that have died on the sandy beaches and photographs them at sunset for their parents to always have a memorial of their baby's name. 

Our babies were much loved and much wanted and were given a name with the expectation of dreams to be fulfilled. Sadly those dreams will never be realized for that child but their name is still so precious to us. Today is a day to speak up for lost babies. Tell the world that they are very much a part of our daily lives, we love to see and hear their names, and they are never ever forgotten. So I created an event for today where I am encouraging others to speak for their baby, to be their VOICE! Say their name openly and tell everyone how loved they still are. 

If you know someone that has lost a child, please urge them to go to this event page and list their baby's name on the wall for everyone to remember today...and every day! 

I know it's my Facebook page and I can put or say anything I want to on it, but often I take on the common uneasiness of putting my dead babies out there. I suppose I am afraid of making other people uneasy or maybe I just don't want anyone to think I'm crazy.

Is this not the very thing I hate about babyloss? I am an offender!!

So I have decided from now on, I will share my thoughts about babyloss on my personal page whenever or however, or even however often, I like. If those people that are "friends" on my page do not understand or wish to sweep me under the carpet as an unfortunate soul that is lost in the world of death, then those people are not my friends. I would hope that anyone that sees my posts and thinks strangely of me would send me a private message and ask me about my losses. Ask me WHY!! I'm certainly not afraid to speak about my babies and I am certainly not afraid to speak about loss so why do I shy away from it on my personal page?

Maybe it's because I have a page on Facebook specifically for loss and loss related topics. Maybe I'm trying to keep these two worlds separate?

NO MORE!

These two worlds collided years ago. They are not separate in my mind or in my heart so why should they be separate in real life? Or virtual life either?

I am mother to 4 children.
I am mother to 2 babies lost in miscarriage.
I am mother to 1 baby born at 25w5d and whom lived for 2 days before she had to leave us.
I am mother to one living child, a son.

This is me whether online or in real life.

From this day on, I will live as one for my babies. ALL of them!


** This post was supposed to be about speaking up for your babies. Being their VOICE!! Telling the world they are never forgotten. However, I had a bit of an epiphany when I posted to my personal page and realized I was doing exactly what I urge others not to do. I hope you will visit the event page to read about why I think this day is special **

A full array of beautiful Day of Hope awareness images can be found here.
 

Clocks and Calendars

You know how people always talk about having an internal time clock? Like how they can just wake up every morning at 6am and have no need for an alarm. I have NEVER been like that. It might be because I like to sleep more than the average person or that I need more sleep than the average person who knows.

I guess I envy people that can have regular sleep patterns and wake up early to start their day. I'm definitely more of a night owl. I like the peace and quiet of the night-time and that's when I get the most accomplished. Ironically, I sit here writing this before the sun if fully up because I woke a little after 5am this morning. Funny! Of course it has less to do with my internal time clock and more to do with my bladder! UGH!

Any how, my "clock" may not work so good but boy does my calendar work. You didn't know you had an internal calendar?? Well I'm guessing if you've ever dealt with any type of significant loss in your life then yes you know you have a calendar. Let me explain.

For example, this past February, one day I woke with a terrible attitude. From the moment I stepped out of bed it was one thing after another that irritated me. I'm sure it was my bladder that woke me up so I was ticked at my bladder for not letting me sleep longer. Then I was ticked because the toilet paper didn't rip right. The Keurig couldn't heat up fast enough and that first cup of coffee did nothing to satisfy me. It went on and on like this all day. Finally later in the afternoon I was writing a couple of bills and realized, it's February 7th. You see February 7, 1996 was my due date with Bailey. It didn't matter much that it had been 16 years since that day cause inside my calendar was keeping track. My calendar was telling me, "HELLO...this is an important day to you, figure it out already and deal with it!!". I burst into tears not because I was sad really but because the frustration finally meant something. Now I knew what was happening and I could acknowledge it and be gentle on myself.

I try really hard now-a-days to notice my change in attitude and figure out what's causing it. Sometimes it's anger, or sadness, or frustration, or just indifference, but I know I'm not my usual self and I need to figure out why. The sooner I can pinpoint the culprit the sooner I can accept there's a genuine reason for my feelings and let them play out the way they need to. Most helpful for my family too who tends to bear the brunt of my outbursts.

The calendar will be working overtime in the next few months. I can picture it in my mind like it's the huge desk type with little notes written on special dates. Dates leading up to other dates that culminate in a giant red circle that says, "Bailey's Birthday".

It really starts mid-Sept to build up for Christian's Day but pretty much all of October is a wash. November is when she died and was buried but then I get to celebrate my only living child's birthday. Then December and Alyssa' Day but just the next day is the anniversary of our vow renewal, this year it's number 7. After that is leading into Christmas and being blessed and sad and even envious all the same time. YES this calendar will be on overload by the end of the year.