A Duggar Surprise

Last December news broke that Michelle Duggar, matriarch of the 19 Kids and Counting show on TLC, had lost her baby to miscarriage. She was carrying her 20th child by the shows count. She had previously miscarried a baby they named Caleb many years ago however, just as society would have it, he was never included in the kid count.

On Dec 8, 2011 the family announced that while attending an ultrasound appointment and hoping to learn the gender of their new baby they were shocked to find out their baby no longer had a heartbeat. I know there are MANY of you that can relate to this experience. I can only imagine that hearing those words will echo in your head for the rest of your life. You come to this appt with such anticipation never expecting to hear that your precious child has passed away while still inside your tummy. Heart-wrenching!!! It was determined through medical and family records that the baby passed on December 2nd. Michelle and Jim Bob went home to tell the family that their sibling was gone and to let her body miscarry the baby naturally.

On December 11, 2011 at 11:46pm Jubilee Shalom Duggar was stillborn weighing 4oz and 6cm in length.

I decided to send the family a tiny hat made of red and green in memory of their sweet Jubilee. I picked out a card and sent the hat to them in mid-December. Well, this past Tuesday I received a postcard in the mail from the Duggar family. WHAT?! I couldn't believe it. I very nice hand-written card to thank me for the gift I sent to them. Ok, well

1: glad they got it in the first place (I can only imagine the amount of mail they received) and 

2: floored that they took the time to go through each card/package and write a personal note of thanks (again I can only imagine the amount of mail they received)

The back of the postcard reads,

"Stephanie, Thank you for the little hat you sent! It was sweet of you to think of us! May the Lord bless you! With gratefulness, The Duggars"

Strange coincidence also because Tuesday was the airing of their show that focused on their loss of Jubilee from finding out she was gone to planning and having her memorial service and funeral. We had been talking about it all day on the FB page and then to get this card in the mail the same day was a pleasant surprise. I only wish there was not a reason for that little hat, or that final show, or even that card at all. I wish little Jubilee was still in her Mommy's tummy about to be born anytime now as she was due in April. 

Praying that Michelle and the rest of the Duggar family has a peaceful and gentle next few weeks as they approach Jubilee's due date. 

Fear!

Fear has it's place. It can keep you safe in a dangerous situation. But fear can paralyze you as well, keeping you from your dreams, aspirations, and life!

After I had Bailey I was so afraid to get pregnant again because I was afraid of the unknown. The Drs said it was rare to have Eclampsia and HELLP as early as I had it and it would likely happen again. There were steps that could be taken, meds to try, but there were no guarantees and THAT was what I was looking for. I wanted a guarantee for sure that my next pregnancy would go to term without issue and I would deliver and bring home a healthy baby.

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek." ~ Joseph Campbell

I did just that. A pretty much perfect pregnancy that gave me what would be my only living child. However the fear I had kept me from realizing that sooner. And time would close my little window to have more children. If only I had not been so afraid to try again sooner perhaps I would have had more living children.

I struggle with fear everyday. Not the kind of fear I had with Bailey but a fear I'm sad to say of not being good enough. Yes, I know the only person I need to please is God. That I should only be worried about judgement from Him. Yet, I am human and I do struggle with how I am perceived and how I will be judged by others. I rarely put myself 'out there' for fear of failure. I am working on this. How can anyone love my work if they never see it? How will I ever know if I'm good enough if I don't show you what I can do? See I know all this stuff and yet sometimes it is easier to cave to the fear!

(photo from Choose Happiness) 

So I have a trip coming up and I am scared. I mentioned that I was nervous, but that's only part true. I am scared to come out from behind the computer and meet people who may have thought of me in a certain way only to find out who I really am. I am scared I will get sick while I'm there and ruin any opportunity to do the things I really want to do. THIS is what keeps leaking in my mind and wanting me to cancel my plans and just stay home.

I AM NOT LISTENING TO YOU! 

I AM going to Houston. 

I WILL have a fantastic time. 

I WILL meet some amazing ladies. 

I AM a fluffy girl but I WILL rock it all the way. 

I WILL have fun!

I will NOT get sick!

I will NOT be self-conscious about by body image!

I will NOT let any insecurities I have hinder sharing myself with others!

This IS my promise!

(photo from Choose Happiness)

The planning has begun

I'm such a planner. I was probably way more spontaneous in my youth. Of course deep down I know I am really not in control and rarely does anything planned go off without a hitch, so I plan and go with the flow.

I'm going to Houston! Have you heard of this wonderful new online magazine that is going to launch in May? Still Standing? It is going to be incredible with articles, blog posts, real life stories, etc. It's all about encouraging you. You know like facing your trials and your're 'still standing'. We all know there are dips in the road but it will be nice to have a place to read something inspiring and uplifting when you are having a bad day. We all have them!

The creator of Still Standing is the one and only Fran from Small Bird Studio. You know her right? You should. She is most awesome!

So I'm going to Houston for a photo shoot for the magazine. A chance to put a face to some of the 'friends' you have made in the FB BLM community. I have to say I'm a bit nervous. I'm not very photogenic but I feel the importance of putting a face to loss is more important than my vanity. So the planning begins for a place to stay, places to visit, oh and it's Easter weekend - a church to visit! And we can't forget the all important WHAT TO WEAR! Grrr.

I can't wait to come back and share some of Houston with you and let you know all about the photo shoot too. Two more weeks! YAY!

For more info about the online magazine, you can visit their FB page here.

A Joy to Hold On To

When you have a baby (a healthy baby) and all is right with the world, you drink in your baby. 

His eyes, his nose, ten fingers, and ten toes. He grows and grows and all is right with the world.

When you have a baby (a sick baby, a still baby) and all is not right with the world. 

No time to drink her in, all her parts still perfect and such, but she's rushed away or taken without a touch. 

She does not grow and grow and all is not right with the world.

Sixteen years, four months, and eighteen days was the last time I held Bailey. It was the first and last time I held her. I was sick, she was sick, and so we were not able to hold her until her last day. Without her tubes, all bundled up in a hospital blanket, I remarked at how she felt like nothingness in my arms. She was born weighing 440 grams which equates to a little over 15 ounces. Not even a whole pound. A little more then the weight of a full soda can. And yes, every time I pick up a can of soda I think about that. EVERY TIME.

"Time heals all wounds" is misleading. Time diminishes the pain a little, time eases the numbness, time can put a scar on the wound but it will never be fully healed. Time also makes you forget details even those as important as the weight of your baby. How that baby felt in your arms. All you remember really is the aching your arms felt when she left them for the last time.

Enter...Molly Bears. An organization dedicated to serving moms with empty arms a weighted bear to hold on to. I signed up on their waiting list a few months ago. The waiting list only opens once a month because of the volume of requests they receive. They had a special deal going where if you donate you get in a drawing to have your bear made and sent to you no matter where you are on the list. I won!

Over the weekend a box arrived with a nice Molly Bears sticker on the side.

I looked at the box for a little while. I was apprehensive about opening it. Here she was. The apprehension was short lived and I tore into that box. Wow. She was beautiful. Pink with a tutu and a big ABC across her front. Yes even though this was my Bailey Bear they were able to incorporate all my babies on her for me to remember. I was told this ABC was purchased 9mos ago and had been waiting for the right bear. I picked her up and she seemed heavy at first but then I laid her in my arms and her heaviness went away. 

Perfection. All 440 grams of her was pure perfection. And so my arms will no longer ache for that memory I had 16 years, 4 months, and 18 days ago. Thank you Molly Bears!

If you would like to make a donation to Molly Bears click here or if you would like to sign up for a bear of your own please click here.