Thanksgiving Perspective

Happy Thanksgiving!

As I was about to start getting ready this morning I came across a post that burst my blessed bubble. It's something I've been holding in for a few weeks now and I just can't hold it in any longer. I'm not saying that you should agree with me or even like what I'm saying but at least take what I'm going to say with a little perspective.

For weeks now I have seen graphics that say "I pledge not to shop on Thanksgiving" and "If you shop on Thanksgiving then you're part of the problem". OH and then there's the "Only in America can you trample people in a store the day after you give thanks for all you have".

I have successfully restrained myself from saying anything publicly, until now.

FYI - there are a ton of people that have to work on Thanksgiving. You may not see them and sometimes luckily so, but they are there, away from their families working on this Thursday. Nurses, police, fire, rescue, airline workers, etc. They give up their Thanksgiving to do their job just like they do everyday. They don't miss out on spending quality time with their families, they just do it at a different time then the rest of us.

I know what you're thinking, those are people that HAVE to be at work, they are not working for greedy big box stores just out to make more money. That's true, but while you're watching that parade or football game today think about all the people behind the scenes. The television people, the concession stand people, and more. They all have to take time away from their families today so you can sit back and enjoy a little tv viewing. Lots of people I know go to the movie theater on Thanksgiving and again those people selling tickets, selling popcorn, cleaning up after the masses are not at home with their families either. Yet, many of these people have volunteered to work because they need the money, or maybe because they have no family to spend with today and being at work is better than sitting at home alone.

So while jumping on the "let's ban the greedy retailers" bandwagon seems like the noble thing to do, remember all the other people that have to work today for your enjoyment, so you can sit home happy and fed with your family and root on your favorite team. Also remember that these stores being open give the opportunity for people that need the money to volunteer to work and get more money in one day of work then they might in a whole week of pay.

Oh and as far as the other graphic, I'm pretty sure the majority of Americans are thankful for their families on this day and not the abundance of crap laying around them. Our economy drives the need for people to volunteer to work today and also the need for people to sit in long lines to be able to get the best deal they can. I know I need to save every bit to get a special present every year. That's not to give my child the biggest most expensive toy out there, it's to see that giant smile on his face on Christmas morning when he gets something he thought he would never get because of the price.

I'm sorry if this seems not well composed or just rash because it is really.  A spur of the moment need to get something off my chest. Like I said, you don't have to agree with me but please say a prayer and be thankful for everyone that works on Thanksgiving so you don't have to and so you can enjoy all the special time with your family you are used to. Happy Thanksgiving!

Painful Reflections

Today is a sad day for so many people. Emotions come rushing back especially for those personally affected by the events of 9.11.01. Every single moment of this day twelve years ago they feel again as the seconds tick off the clock. That's what grief does, it reminds you. Not that they need a reminder, every day without them does that.

There were years and years and years that I relived the days leading up to and after my daughter's birth and death. It started October 27 until November 4. As the years have passed, I don't have that deep craving to relive those moments any more. I remember but not like before when I recreated the timeline in my mind over and over. Many people feel like I "dwell" on the death of my children, that if I don't think about it so much, it would just go away. Obviously those people have never lost someone so ingrained in their soul. For the record, I do not DWELL, I remember!

I think the same could be said of today. I've seen the comments. Why do they replay these tragedies every year? Why do these people go there and read names every year? These same people don't get it. Remember, these people say these things because YOUR grief is uncomfortable to THEM. They are making your loss about them and not about the person or child gone, as it should be. Don't let them take the voice of your loved one out of your mouth!

They are reading off the names as I type this. This is real for them. It is fresh. It is important that they know their loved one is not forgotten. Same for the parents of a baby no one ever got to meet. Bottom line, all these were lives, even the briefest if that's a word. They were all loved and they all deserve to be remembered and respected.

It hurts to feel that pain again, in that way, like it was yesterday. But you know what that pain does for me? It makes me remember. I will watch today and I will remember. I will pray for those who are left behind. I will pray for them because I know they will never be whole again until they are reunited. That doesn't mean they, or I, can't be happy, it just means there's a hole that used to be filled with a special love. No measure of happiness and joy can fill that hole, it is reserved for the one it once belonged to. So I will force myself to feel the pain of loss and remember that love. I would rather endure the pain of grief than to forget altogether.

I challenge those that think my grief is uncomfortable. Those that can't stand to watch yet another time as those airplanes crash. Those that choose to think this is just another day. Look on. Remember. Those names are people, real people, that touched the lives of others. That daughter of mine that very very few got to meet, she was a real person too, and it is in her death that she touches other's lives. I didn't know any of those people personally but I know them now, through the stories their loved ones tell, they live on in death too and they have touched my life. God bless them all that have gone before, you are not forgotten.

Learning to Bend

In the beginning, right after Bailey died, I was so numb. I felt like I was in a fog. I could kinda see what was around me but at the same time everything seemed so out of reach. I was in denial. I didn't want to believe what had just happened really happened however I had tell-tale signs that I had just had a baby and yet there was no baby to take care of. I was broken.

I was broken for many many years. Over time the fog lifted and reality set in and there was no denying what had happened anymore. I was living a nightmare and at some point I would have to acknowledge it. You know that was hard. It was hard accepting that my baby was gone. She wasn't just gone, she was dead. And just as I was accepting it, there seem to be reminders all over the place. The crying baby at the store, the seemingly endless baby stories on tv, cute baby clothes, holidays, food I craved while I was pregnant, bills from the hospital, and all those magazines and books that I had signed up for when I fully expected I would need them at the end of my pregnancy. Just everything. And with every reminder, I was broken again.

Even now, more than seventeen years later, there are moments. I'm not talking about days like her birthday or due date or even Mother's Day. I'm talking about the everyday mundane things that seem to rock my core. Don't laugh! Really, don't laugh. But things like the printer won't print the way I want it to. When my computer browser locks up in the middle of trying to locate something. You know stupid things that people deal with everyday that certainly won't cause the world to end. These are the things that break me. I get stressed and I find myself angry and bitter and asking "Why do things have to be so damn hard all the time?". It seems to me that anyone who has endured the unimaginable pain of losing a child should be given a pass to cruise through the rest of life. Unfortunately that's not the case and deep down I get it, it's life. Life is hard and we make the best of it we can but it's those stupid breaking times that I just wish I could deal with this crap in stride. I mean really, I have buried my daughter, my piece of crap printer should not have that kind of control over me.

So these days, I'm learning that prayer is the peace I need. Prayer is relying on faith that there is something better than this temporary set back around the corner. So when I'm on a deadline and my internet drops out for no apparent reason, I don't cry to ask WHY anymore, I pray that it will come back on soon. Then I realize that maybe God is telling me to stop what I'm doing because we need to talk. Where I was angered because I felt like my pain was an easy out to the problems in everyday life, now I turn to prayer to settle my soul and bring peace back into my heart.

I have buried my daughter and that has changed me forever but I can not use that pain and anguish as my crutch to limp through life begging for the easy way out. I will use prayer to let God further heal my heart with a hole that will never quite be filled. To seek days where I am angered less and filled with peace more. And to teach me how to bend where I once would have broken.

She is always with me

Today is February 7. It's Thursday. It's Bailey's due date.

I may be the only person in the whole wide world who remembers how special this day is, or was supposed to be. It's been 17 years since this was to be the happiest day of my life. And it's still bittersweet for that reason. Today reminds me of the plans I had for her. I remember hoping she would be late even to be born on her Daddy's birthday, although that would have been 10, TEN days overdue. What in the world was I thinking with that one! However now, the thought of keeping her with me for all that extra time and being able to bring her home would have been soooo worth it.

I know she's with me on days like today. Especially on days like today. I miss her a little more than normal and she knows. I don't mind that nobody remembers this day, not even Daddy. It's like our special today for just the two of us. We have a bond that I will never have with my son. She is my first-born, she is my daughter, she is my saint. She guides me through my days and lays with me at night. She is always with me.

Happy 17th due date day to my sweet Bailey Noel. Love you!