Letting go

Today was a rough day. Probably only some of you will get why. Today is the 16th birthday of my kitty that passed in November. The first birthday since her passing.

People that don't love animals will say It's just a cat, it's not like you lost a child or something!
People that have lost a child will say It's just a cat, it's not like you lost a child or something!!

Well since I've lost both I think I am allowed to compare.

I lost Bailey in November of 1995. I was numb for a long time. And then I was bitter and for a really long time. My hubby was travelling for work and I was just going through the motions. Later that year a friend called and told me some kittens had shown up at her neighbor's house and I should come see them. There were two orange tabby boys frolicking with the dogs and this little tiny calico sitting under the stairs. They pulled her out and my heart sank. They put her on my chest and she started purring and making biscuits on me. That was it. Guess what honey, I'm coming home with a cat!

She was the light in my days. Maybe it was the timing that was right or maybe it was divine intervention but I needed her and there she was. She slept with me, she made me smile again. Taking care of her was a pleasure not a chore. A privilege and finally I felt like I had not felt since Bailey died, I felt like a MOM. I felt like I had a purpose again. I know, it's just a cat right. She was there for me, when I cried she would comfort me. When I needed to laugh she would run up the stairs and back down again with the speed of light, stop, look at me with her back hunched up like one of those Halloween kitties and then take off again. When I didn't want to get out of bed, she would headbutt me in the arm until I got up and then run to her dish and wait. She was my saving grace and I believe sent from above to put me back on track with my grieving. Lord knows I was stuck in a bad place.

She was there through my pregnancy with Matthew. She would sit on my belly and he would kick her until she got ticked off and got down. After he was born, she was patient with his stinky loud self, even when he would throw blueberries at her. And when I lost Christian she was there, right by my side all day and all night. She was so much more then a cat, she was really a best friend in a lot of ways. She was with me nearly every day for 15 1/2 years. In the end we knew her time was short and we had to decide to let her go. I was with her when she left. A beautiful gift she gave me since I wasn't able to be with Bailey when she left. A source of really strong regret.

It was hard to let her go but it was time. Letting them both go, telling them both it was ok was important. And with Bailey, it was the bravest and most unselfish thing I have ever or will ever do. God's peace was with me that day and I believe that had I been with her maybe it would have been harder for her to go. She would have felt my pain and wanted to be there for me no matter how sick she was and that was not fair to her. So I believe God saw to it that I was removed from that situation so that she could go in comfort and peace in the loving arms of her Nana.

Yes, losing a cat is different than losing a daughter. However that cat was a gift from my baby girl in the form of peace and comfort and even acceptance. So I don't grieve the same for my cat because she gave me a full life. I don't wonder about her future and what it would have been like because she gifted me with millions of memories. I cry because I miss her but more importantly because of how thankful I am to her for giving me my life back at a time when I felt I had nothing more to live for.

It takes me back

I finally watched the Duggar episode about Jubilee. Finally! I wanted to watch the night it aired but we had a DVR scheduling thing so had to move it to later. Then it became more of a chore. I really wanted to sit down and watch it, I knew I would cry, but that's ok. But the more I thought about it the more I got anxious about doing it. It's a TV program for goodness sake! Yea right, if only!

So I did it. Last night, I was alone and figured it was the best time to watch and not be interrupted. I watched the little preview that comes on in the beginning and had to pause. Where are those tissues!!?? Oh great, I'm crying already,

They took Josie back to visit some of the nurses and Dr from when she was at the Children's Hospital. They showed little Josie at 22oz in her isolette with all the tubes and a hat big enough for her to curl up in almost. And then it happened. Right back to Bailey in the NICU. I was sick and wasn't with her a whole lot but I have a couple of pics of her and remember how small she was in her little isolette. All of her 15oz. I can't help but go to that place of "why did her baby make it and mine didn't". They were roughly the same size and same gestation. But I believe in a purpose-filled life and so I believe Bailey's life was short but significant and she accomplished what she was created for and granted eternal peace as her reward.

I was truly amazed at the strength Michelle showed. How powerful is her faith that she can be lying on the table still having the ultrasound, just having learned of her baby's passing, and praise God in all His glory.

Then came the memorial and funeral services. It was beautiful. Really beautiful. Then it was time to put Jubilee's little body to rest. Michelle slipped her small wooden casket into the the metal outer box that would protect it while in the ground. Jim Bob took the boxes and laid them into the small open place in the earth and the boys took turns placing dirt on her little grave. That is when I always get an overwhelming feeling. I had this feeling for a long time after we buried Bailey. I think it's normal to have this feeling. It took some time to be able to visit her grave without the overwhelming urge to dig her up and hold her again. I barely got to hold her when she was alive, never after she was gone. Never got to look upon her body and examine each little part of her. So I think that feeling was appropriate and when I saw them lay Jubilee in the ground I couldn't help but wonder if Michelle too had that urge. Probably not, it's just me.

Though I am in the best place on my grief journey I have ever been, there are things that take me back there. It's ok to go back, to remember the pain, because without pain, there was never love. And there was so much love!

A Houston kinda weekend [part 2]

I slept maybe a couple hours at most Friday night. I would doze on and off and when I did fall asleep it wasn't for very long. I'm pretty sure I looked at the clock every hour I laid in that bed. I'm not sure if it was nervousness or excitement or both. Or worrying about my hair, makeup, and outfit coming together just right. I'm not very photogenic so why in the world did I decide to do a photo shoot? Whether it be a good face or bad face, at least I was putting a face to pregnancy and infant loss and THAT is what I was going for. Still Standing is going to be amazing. It will be a fantastic resource for women dealing with loss and infertility. I can feel in my heart how special it will be and maybe that is why I felt I needed to be involved in any little way I could. If for nothing more then to put a face to miscarriage, neonatal death, and the lost hope of future babies.

Photo from Still Standing on Facebook

Hair, makeup, and outfit turned out ok and we headed out in the morning sun to find this secluded warehouse we were meeting at. Let me tell you, having a GPS is essential in a bigger city, it was invaluable to us this weekend. So much so it was decided she needed a name...Gigi the GPS. We found the location.

I can't tell you how beautiful the morning was. It was perfection. The clear blue sky, a little warm with a slight breeze. Really, it was perfect. There was no time to waste and we were busy getting pics of all the special women that came and all the special items they brought with them to represent who they had lost. I took my Molly Bear, I wore my special Beth Quinn Designs necklace, and of course I always sport my tat.

There were beautiful wild flowers all around the rustic warehouse and wouldn't you know, we had lots of small butterflies to keep us company. Our little angels had come to be part of the day with us. There was even a random small Starbucks sign sitting behind a big barrel. I can't imagine how it got there but it was kinda cool. I wanted to take a few pics during the photo session but seriously we were busy from the time we started to the time we finished. Fran had a vision and I know it will be beautiful.

After the pics were done, a few of us went for lunch. Practically on cue, I got sick at lunch and had to dart out before I was able to get a few more pics with these fab women. I am so sad that I drove 5 hours and didn't get one pic with Fran or Amy especially since I will probably never make it back down again.

We went back to the hotel so I could rest. We had already purchased tickets to an Astros baseball game to take my son to and I really didn't want to miss it. Thankfully, after some meds and sleep I was able to see most of the game and had a wonderful time.

Easter morning we went to a church that Fran had suggested and enjoyed a fabulous morning service. It was perfect, just the right size and not too loud as to get my vertigo all worked up again. After church was lunch at a favorite hamburger place and then on the road back home. Oh, there was one more regret, NO BLUEBONNETS!! We went out of our way coming back to find some of these gorgeous flowers and still ran empty.

The weekend was a great time of family and fellowship, and of hope and encouragement too. I'm so glad I fought the urge to not go. I'm glad I battled the voices that told me I wasn't good enough and that I would get sick and ruin it for everyone. I did get sick but all was not ruined and I made it through. I am proud of ME.

A Houston kinda weekend [part 1]

It was AMAZING! Everything I had hoped for and a little for what I had prayed not to happen too but all-in-all AMAZING!

We drove down Friday morning, the sun was shining, it was a pretty day for a drive. No clouds up here. Some pretty fluffy bright white clouds about half-way. Some wispy, feathery clouds down closer.

When we got in to the hotel, the boys went to visit the USS Texas battleship and I stayed behind to get in a quick nap. I knew Saturday was going to be a busy day and I didn't want to overdue Friday and mess up Saturday.

They said it was really cool and great for history buffs. Hubby came back with more than 80 pics on my camera so yea I think he had fun!

We went in search of dinner and wound up at a favorite seafood chain restaurant where we met this little guy.

Sad to say he's probably not there in that tank anymore. :( 

So let me tell you what happened at dinner. The waitress comes to greet us and is a bit flustered, can't find her pen, rips a receipt by accident, just all around tired. I told her to take a deep breath and relax and asked her if she'd had a rough day. She responded with "Rough week and we buried my nephew today!" WHAT?! Well ok, permission granted for the flustered-ness. I simply said I was sorry and we got on to the dinner. As we were leaving she was wiping down the table next to ours. I couldn't help the overwhelming need to give this girl a hug. Hubby knew it was coming. He knows now that when there's a child's death involved that I'm probably gonna have to say something. He's right! I told her again how sorry I was for her family's loss. She proceeded to tell me that she had also lost a son who was almost 2yrs old. She saw my Bailey's footprints and told me she has her son's footprints on her back. She told us that her sister had been in a car accident and was 6mos along and lost the baby. Then she said it!! She said "I wish my sister had skipped the whole funeral thing and saved the family the grief." W.O.W. I believe my mouth opened just a bit. All at once my mind was racing. Do I say what I am encouraged to say or just drop it? I didn't even look at hubby but I'm sure he rolled his eyes and I'm pretty sure he could see the smoke coming out of my ears as I tried to decide in a millisecond what to say to her. Like a funeral or no funeral will be saving the family grief. We all know that closure is best when it comes to handling grief so why would she say that? There wasn't time nor was the middle of a crowded restaurant the place to have the conversation that was beginning in my head so I had to decide what to do, and fast. You know I had to say something. To say nothing at all would be coward-ing to the taboo that I am trying to so hard to abolish. So here goes. I looked at her straight in the face and said the funeral isn't about you. I said I'm not trying to be rude and disrespectful but this is a memory that she is making with her child. Possibly the very last memory of her baby and it is really about her and what she needs to continue on without him. She now has a place to go and feel close to him and a place that is sacred to her. She looked a bit taken back with my comment but then she agreed with me and said that it was true, it was for her and not for the rest of the family. I asked her if I could give her a hug and we embraced both with a tear in our eye for all our babies. 

An Easter Hope

"Rest In Hope" the name took months to decide on. I knew I wanted to name my ministry something meaningful. Something that inspires and encourages others. I asked God to guide me in finding a name that could do that. Finally one night I opened my bible and (side note, I love my bible, hubby bought it for me a few years ago and as much as I refuse to admit it, I'm glad it's large print. HAHA I'm getting old) and started ready Psalm 16. My bible is a NASB so it goes like this:

1 Preserve me, O God, for I take refuge in You. 

2 I said to the LORD, “You are my Lord; 

I have no good besides You.” 

3 As for the saints who are in the earth, 

They are the majestic ones in whom is all my delight. 

4 The sorrows of those who have bartered for another god will be multiplied; 

I shall not pour out their drink offerings of blood, 

Nor will I take their names upon my lips.

 5 The LORD is the portion of my inheritance and my cup; 

You support my lot. 

6 The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; 

Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.

 7 I will bless the LORD who has counseled me; 

Indeed, my mind instructs me in the night. 

8 I have set the LORD continually before me; 

Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. 

9 Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoices; 

My flesh also will dwell securely. 

10 For You will not abandon my soul to Sheol; 

Nor will You allow Your Holy One to undergo decay. 

11 You will make known to me the path of life; 

In Your presence is fullness of joy; 

In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.

I was particularly taken with 8-11 where David talks about the Lord being with him and him having no fear and that the Lord will life him up and he will live in glory for eternity. That was what I was looking for, the promise of hope that the Lord gives us here. Something to look forward to even in the toughest of times, a promise of resurrection. 

I like to read the KJV as well because I like the language so I went and looked it up and there it was in line 9 of the Psalm 

Picture from Small Bird Studios

Rest In Hope! but not just hope, a promise that I will see my babies again and we will be reunited and we will be whole and perfect and live in eternal glory. So it does not matter what I have to bear while here on Earth because I know my eternal gift is worth all the suffering and pain that I endure. And my pain and suffering will NEVER compare to His which has saved me. 

So every day when I look at Rest In Hope and I read those words, they are more then words to me, they are my Easter promise of the Resurrection that I have faith in. The faith I have in seeing my children and what glory awaits us. My Easter hope every day of the year.