The Difference a Day Makes

Today is a typical Tuesday and tomorrow, I suspect, will be a typical Wednesday so what's the difference?

Today it is July. Tomorrow it will be August.

My losses all occurred in October, November, and December. It makes the last of the year pretty difficult and even unbearable at times. The first of the year brings much more than a new beginning it brings an official end to my sorrow for at least a few more months.

But August! August and September mean going back to school, preparing with long lists of supplies and new clothes. I ALWAYS loved going back to school when I was a kid. I loved shopping for crayons and shoes, still do! But I can't help but reflect on where my family would be in this process had all of our children survived. This year, a college kid, a junior in high school, a 6th grader starting middle school, and a 1st grader. Wow, the supply lists would be endless and so varied but how much fun it would be shopping.

So it doesn't matter that today is Tuesday and tomorrow is Wednesday cause in my mind, today is Summer and tomorrow is Back to School.

My Little Muses

I have a beautiful friend that made this painting for me last year. It is seriously beautiful!! She is painting me something special again this year and it is wonderful because it will come right when I need it most. Going in to August now seems to be the beginning of my season. Although my losses are in Oct-Dec, I get bothered by school starting and the thought of what should be. So I've seen this new painting almost completed and I swear I get tears in my eyes just seeing a picture of it. We were thinking about some kind of quote to put on it.  I was looking for some sort of quote about family love or Heaven or babies or something.

That's when my little muse, sitting upon my shoulder whispered into my ear. I pulled out the paper and began to write. As I was going to close the window on my computer I saw a quote that I loved!! It was really perfect and not really trusting my own abilities as a poet I decided I might scrap what I have in favor of this quote. I messaged my friend with the quote and my ramblings. She said she LOVED LOVED LOVED mine. I asked her if she was just being a good friend and lying to me but I knew she wasn't, that's not the kind of person she is.

I think this quote is more than perfect for two reasons. 1) she incorporated my tree in the painting and 2) three of my children have wings. Very cool! But I was only half done with my poem and the words were not coming to me anymore so I decided to go to bed and hope I could dream them up. I didn't even get out of my chair good before I was "made" to sit back down and finish! She said she loved it and will get it added to the painting.

Just another example of my babies always being with me. They are always there to lend a hand, inspire me, tell me secrets, whatever, as long as I am open to receiving them. Thanks to my ABCs for being my muses.

And here is a sneak peak at my new painting.

A Good Night with Bad Memories

I went to my local support group meeting tonight. It was a good night. Sometimes I don't think I belong there anymore and shouldn't bother going. I usually do since it's the only real chance I get to get out of the house and physically be with people that get me.

Tonight I remembered placing a tiny teddy bear in my daughter's casket. A teddy bear I adored when I was little. A teddy bear that was nearly 25 years old and tattered. I remembered how she looked. How she looked like my baby girl but not really. She wasn't there.

Tonight I remembered the first 6 months or so when I would sit in an empty house and try to stay busy by myself. When I would move from the bed to the sofa and back, with an occasional trip to the bathroom. When I would sit in the middle of the living room floor and turn up the stereo as loud as I could and cry as I sang out the words of "Fly" by Celine Dion.

Tonight I remembered having to go back to the Drs office to pick up some paperwork and nearly puking before and after leaving the building. Going back to the place where just a couple of weeks before my baby was inside of me and I hoped they could help me with what I was feeling. All I got was a placated answer and a bill.

Tonight I remembered the pain of screaming out I WANT MY BABY! Asking why I didn't die too. Feeling so alone. Aching all over to the point of nausea. Sleeping on a wet pillow every night. Going to fix something to eat and thinking what's the point. Going out in public and feeling like everyone knew what had happened to me like I had a big scarlet letter on my forehead, like everyone was staring at me. Avoiding the baby department, especially the little dresses, for fear of running into a pregnant woman or worse yet, a newborn baby girl. I think this list is endless, or close to it.

Tonight I cried. And I laughed. Even for me, there are bad days. Even for me, I remember the pain. It didn't go away the pain, I just learned where to put it in my heart. It's still there and sometimes I remember it, I cry, and I thank God for all the good that has come from it. Maybe that's why I go to these meetings still, to be reminded of where I was and how far I've come. A true gift from above sent from Heaven on the wings of a butterfly with three little kisses that say, "We're proud of you Mommy!"

I don't belong because I smile

Source: Pinterest

Been having issues with 'fitting in' lately. Seems as though there is a sort of discrimination against BLMs that are in a good place in their life. It seems like if I'm not crying, complaining about something, constantly saying how angry I am, or just plain sad, then my words aren't acceptable. 


Don't we all strive to find that place where we can coincide with our loss and our life together? Don't we want to live what life we have left in as much joy as possible? 

Source: Pinterest

More and more it seems that when I say that I have found peace in my heart for my losses that I am shunned. I am treated as if I must not love my children anymore. Made to feel like I should feel guilty for 'moving on'. Like I'm a bad mother cause I don't cry everyday.

Source: Pinterest

Really I see it as just the opposite. I love my children sooo much that I want to give them the joy of watching over a Mommy that is happy and smiles. How bad do you hurt when your child hurts? Can't you just imagine what your child feels like when they see you cry and worse yet, your tears are for them, and they can not console you? That is sad. 

Source: Pinterest

Evidently in some circles it is not appropriate to post 'happy times' because well everyone is not happy. That makes me sad. I'm not talking about bragging because my daughter started holding her own bottle or because my son is pulling up on everything. I'm talking about enjoying a day away with what is my little family of three on Earth. No, I did not say even once in my post that I was sad that it was only us three and how I cried because my other three children weren't with me. Perhaps, had I added my sadness and grief about my missing children then my post would have been acceptable.

I am way down the road. WAY! I remember the pain all too well because I have experienced it three times over. I understand that not everyone is in the same place and that is perfectly ok because you need to go at your own pace. But how can you actively move through your grief when you are only ever surrounded by pain and sadness. Is it not uplifting to know that someone has found that wonderful place you strive to be and that if they can do it maybe you can too?

Source: Pinterest

I did not just wake up to where I am today. I didn't just arrive here. I journeyed here! A long hard journey that I strive for each and every day. Just because I do not publicly cry for my babies and post my deepest fears doesn't mean that I don't still yearn for them at every second. It doesn't mean I am a bad person. It means that I have learned to love myself just a little bit more then I did and I owe it to them for showing me I am special because I was chosen to be the Mommy of babies in Heaven, the hardest job in the world. I am proud of myself. I am proud of the work I put in and I am proud that I can love my babies through a life filled with peace and joy not constant grief and sadness anymore. 

Source: Pinterest

I can only hope and pray that others will see my journey as one they can achieve as well. A life with more smiles than tears. More love than fear. It takes time and it is hard work and that is why I should not be shunned for being happy cause I've been there and I know how much it hurts. 


**For the record, I am not bashing those grieving, especially those new to this pain. I still grieve too. I am not saying that if you cry all day, and post about being sad and missing your child that you are wrong. It's all a process. What I AM saying is I've been there and now I'm in a different place and THAT'S OK TOO! 

                                                     

Sweet Summer Fun

Nothing like summertime when you can just up and take a day out of the week and make a little trip. We went to Shreveport LA Tuesday for the afternoon. It's only about an hour and half away so a nice little drive without too much trouble and not spending a fortune in gas either!!

We went to lunch when we got into town and hit a restaurant we had not been to in a while, then it was off to Krispy Kreme for some doughnuts to bring home. We didn't think about it until we had the goodies in the car that they would probably all melt before we got them home but we decided melted KK's were better then none at all. They were fine! This little birdie was in the tree outside KK and was giving someone the business.

Found a small old car showroom so we stopped so the boys could drool and take pics.

Barksdale AFB has a museum so we were off to see all the planes and read some local history. We got there and realized they were closing in about 2 minutes. UGH! Oh well, no history lesson but got to see the cool planes outside. My son was in charge of taking pics of the planes (as I sat in the air conditioned car HAHA) and told me he took this when he got back. He seemed really proud of it and sure enough I think it turned out great!!

I LOVE cemeteries! I know, I'm weird like that. Even before I lost my daughter, I always felt at home at the cemetery. It never creeped me out, I never thought of it as a scary place. Probably the opposite seeing as so many people come their out of love. Have you ever thought about that? How much love is in a cemetery? I got several great pics, some of really old tombstones and some of infant markers, and some of just cool things in and around.

This little guy met us when we arrived and was kind enough to show us around. What a cutie, starved for attention and purring up a storm, followed us all over as we petted him and wished we could take him home.

Our trip wasn't complete without a trip to this old church with it's beautiful rose window and other stained glass. So actually I guess our trip was not complete since we got there and the church was closed. Boo, we're planning to go back and attend Mass so we'll stay after for pics then. I know that big window has to be unbelievable from the inside. One day!

Finally just a picture of some old glass in a building downtown. Downtown's are awesome for that sort of thing. We are planning another trip down soon or definitely before school starts to visit what we missed and anything else we can find to check out. Family time ROCKS!

A Visitor in the Clouds

I took a picture this past weekend. Nothing new, I always have my camera or my phone handy. We were walking out to the car and as I rounded the building I saw this wonderful division of light and dark in the sky. My real hope was that there was rain in that big dark cloud. After posting it a couple of days later I noticed a face in the dark clouds. At first I thought it might be a cat face but then the snout looked longer then that of a cat and the next thing that came to mind was a fox. I have been intrigued by this picture all week. I keep going back to it. 

So do you see the face of the fox? The left arrow is pointing to the right eye and the right arrow is under where the cheek would be pointing toward the mouth area. There is a long snout in the middle of the eyes that comes to a nose where the sky brightens up again.


I decided to look up symbolism of the fox and found a few interesting tidbits. The very first sentence blew my mind.

"In China, fox animal symbolism revolved around the afterlife. Lore has it that a fox sighting was thought to be a signal from the spirits of the deceased."

Whoa! Can you believe that?! 


I thought this was interesting too since this was a huge storm front,

"In Japan, the fox was considered one of the rain spirits, and a messenger of Inari the rice god. Here the fox also symbolizes longevity and protection from evil."

I'm always looking and open to signs from my babies or anyone that I love that has passed on and is stopping by to say "Hi". What a wonderful reminder that Heaven is real and that our loved ones are never too far away. 


The rest of the symbolism info can be found here.