A re-post and a link-up

It's Tuesday and that means linking up over at Tesha's Treasures. She offers a blog hop every Tuesday to offer encouragement to other babyloss mommas. Feel free to link up with her and share a kind word.

Today I am going to be linking up with a post I wrote back in the beginning of May. It's a spiritual post on how I perceive my life's journey and destination. Hope you enjoy and can link up with the party.

http://restinhopepsalm16.blogspot.com/2012/05/journey-or-destinationthe-spiritual.html

Sadness and thankfulness

I have felt so much sadness this last week.

Last week one of my very best friends lost their very beloved family dog to an accident. Her daughter was so devastated, crying for hours on end, and saying that her doggie was the only thing that made her happy.

My hubby's aunt passed away over the weekend.

Yesterday a very good friend from school lost his father. This coming on the heals of the first anniversary of his Momma's passing on July 4th last year. He is obviously lost and very numb right now.

Today, a prayer request for a fellow BLM (babyloss Mom) whose hubby and rainbow daughter were involved in a terrible car accident yesterday and both had very bad injuries. While her hubby sustained 9 broken bones, her little baby girl was in serious condition and had a lot of swelling to her brain. Not even two hours ago, she updated that they had to let her little 2 month old baby go. Her title "It's Over".

My heart has been aching over and over for my friends and people I don't even know for the pain they are going though. I want to break down, I want to curl up in a ball, I want to cry out, Why do these people have to suffer like this!? I can't do that.

I have to be thankful. I am thankful for all the memories these people were able to share, even if for a little while with their loved ones. I am going to be thankful for them because I know it may be hard for them to be thankful right now. I need to be thankful because I am blessed. While I know the loss of a beloved pet and I know the loss of my children, I do not know the loss of a parent and I have never lost a child to the kind tragedy and sudden loss this woman knows.

I choose gratitude! Even in sadness I choose to be grateful! I am blessed! and I pray for the pain to ease and for peace to come over these people that they will think of their memories and choose love and be thankful too. Eventually.

And in the true fashion of life itself, a new rainbow came in to the world last night. One family said goodbye to their rainbow and another family said hello. Sigh, we are amazing creatures that we can hold so much sadness and so much gratefulness in our hearts at the very same time.

This Side of Infertility

I have never followed the infertility crowd. I have more then a few friends that have had difficulties conceiving and always felt so bad for them. Not sorry for them, but sad that they could not create a child together out of a love they most certainly shared. That they would not know that feeling of immense joy and anxiety all at the same time when looking at two pink lines on a pregnancy test. Not feeling that baby move inside you, I miss that. And of course, you have to have the good and the bad. Why not throw in a little nausea, heartburn, peeing every five minutes, you know what I'm talking about. I have to mention that too cause there is not one person that I know that is trying to conceive that wouldn't LOVE to have their boobs hurt and their feet swell cause that would mean they are pregnant.

From Merriam-Webster

in·fer·tile adj \(ˈ)in-ˈfər-təl\
Definition of INFERTILE
: not fertile or productive <infertile eggs> ;
especially : incapable of or unsuccessful in achieving pregnancy <infertile couples>

All honesty, conceiving was never an issue for me. Heck, most of the time we had to be careful just looking at each other funny. Seriously! 

One miscarriage; a fluke. 

One preterm birth because of illness; big fluke. 

One perfectly healthy and fine pregnancy; the way it's supposed to be. 

Another miscarriage; not so much a fluke anymore. 

Fact is, my body is perfect for conceiving but not so much for carrying to term. After I had Bailey, I was told that having Eclampsia and HELLP Syndrome in the 2nd trimester was not the norm and put me in a higher risk category. I was told that didn't mean I couldn't have a baby but that it may be difficult to make to 'full-term' and I would need special care. I was told I had a "window" to have babies in and that after that window closed my odds of carrying were considerably less again. No one could tell me how long this window stayed open though.


That Dr was right. I did have a window and it lasted roughly 10yrs. Unfortunately I only took advantage of it once. Enter a wonderfully healthy baby boy! Life happened and I put a curtain over the window. Dealing with Bailey's loss and marriage issues delayed trying again. After Matthew, were continuous layoffs and moves looking for work. When we were settled again, we decided it was time to try again and WHAM miscarriage. My window was closing and no Dr could guarantee that I would be able to carry to term again. That meant deciding if the desire for more children outweighed the medical risk to me and those babies. Was it fair to conceive if only to lose them? Was it fair to Matthew to try again and die because I wanted another baby so badly? 

Infertility

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Infertility primarily refers to the biological inability of a person to contribute to conception. Infertility may also refer to the state of a woman who is unable to carry a pregnancy to full term.  

I can tell you that after all these years, the desire is still there. The thought of getting pregnant still haunts me. Even to the point of jealousy sometimes. I hate to admit that but deep down it's true. I'm not trying to take anything away from the infertility crowd because I know they could say, "Well at least you could get pregnant, at least you have a child of your own." That's true! and I am grateful for it, really really grateful because I have a son I adore! But, that fact is my body betrayed me in a different way. It let hope, it let me feel the joy of getting pregnant, and then it took that from me. That's just the way it is but I still, and probably always will, want another baby. 

Five Minute Friday: Path

Linking up for a Five Minute Friday at Gypsy Mama.



Path.

The path I follow is long. It is hard. It is rewarding. It is full of hope and sadness all at the same time. Wishing I didn't have to know this path. Blessed to be on a path that has changed me for the better.

Wanting to take Rest In Hope to the next level. A better path. Helping others like me. Helping them financially. Taking a burden off of them. I don't know which way to go on this path. How to help the best way. Still figuring this path out.

Finding a new path in life and wellness. The path will take me to bigger happiness. More fulfillment. I hope. Prayers that this path will open up soon and dreams can be realized. Dreaming for a new path. Hoping. Loving.

It's just sad

I read an blog post about a friend and her NICU experience. I just read another story where the Mom spent time in the NICU rubbing her baby's hand and talking to him. I have been praying for a couple of months now for a little boy who was born really early and is beating the odds and getting stronger every day. I read all these articles on March of Dimes about preemies.

Then I remember.

Bailey was a preemie too. Bailey was a NICU baby too.  She was born at 25w5d and was in the NICU for two days.

I guess I forget because I was so bad off that I couldn't visit her. I couldn't sit with her and rub her hand or talk to her. I know from pictures that I got to visit with her twice. I have no memory of the first visit. In fact, it wasn't until years later looking at the few pictures I have that I realized the dates on the pictures didn't mesh with my memory. Can you imagine? No distinct memory of the first time you met your baby? It's just sad.

I had my Mom bring Bailey's records to me from storage a couple of weeks ago. There still sitting in the same spot they were left in. Mostly because I've been sick for more then 2 weeks but also because it's daunting to think about going through them.

I want to. I've learned a lot more medically and I feel like there may be answers in there to questions known and unknown. Things that may make more sense now then they did before. Maybe, if I'm a little lucky, some of it will jog some memories. Those two days are all I have of my daughter here and I want to remember as much as I can. Even the bad is better then no memory at all. It's still just really sad.

Right Where I Am: 16 years, 7 months, and 4 days

When you know the pain of losing something so cherished, so perfect. Something no one can imagine losing, you feel like you can't breathe. You feel like you'll fall right over. Every bit of you aches in a pain that no medicine can take away. Then you feel nothing at all for a while. Numb to everything. After a while you feel again but it's not the same. It will never be the same as it was before. When you were PBL (pre-babyloss). And one day you smile, and another you laugh. The tears come less often. You can have hope again. You can have joy again. You find peace to accept what has happened, this unimaginable thing.

This is where I am 16 years, 7 months, and 6 days after the birth of my first-born, a daughter. She lived for two days and so my journey began.

These almost 17 years have taught me so many things about myself, about life in general, about death, about how to love, about how to live. I miss her so much, so much that if I sit with it long enough I will get physically sick. I don't do that.

I smile because she existed. I smile because she was loved from the moment she was conceived (and yes I know when that was). I smile because she is even more loved today. She is loved by a brother that never met her but loves her anyway. I smile because of him. I smile because a butterfly will fly by on my way out the door and I know it's her saying hello. I smile when I hear her name. I smile when I look at her tiny footprints tattooed on my arm. I smile because she brought her daddy and me closer together. I smile because I know she is with me. I smile because I will see her again. I smile because that reunion will be eternally filled with joy.

Truth is, I rarely cry for her anymore. There are times when I am sad, especially her birthday or special times, but mostly I can't cry because I am too busy smiling for her. I smile for her because she can't. She has a beautiful smile.

Right where I am 16 years, 7 months, and 4 days after I last held her.

Which is really 16 years, 7 months, and 4 days closer to seeing her again.

Ooops, linking up with Still Standing Magazine's Journey in June monthly blog hop

National Tattoo Day 2012

Did you know today was National Tattoo Day? I didn't until Still Standing magazine started advertising that they were going to open up a gallery for people with memorial tattoos to share on the website. Of course I had to jump in on that. I was actually the first to post right after midnight this morning. I didn't plan on being first but being up late with this lingering cough was killing me so I figured why not!

So let me tell you about my tat! I was never big on tattoos growing up. When I was little, the only tats I really ever saw were those on military men. They were usually some kind of anchor, they were kinda messy, and they were always GREEN! For a long time I thought you had to get one when you joined the Navy LOL.

Well then I met my future hubby and somehow the subject came up and he said he was really against it. What?! Isn't your Dad in the Navy? Doesn't he have tattoos? Well he was and he does but somehow the tat gene didn't crossover. I've never seen my father-in-law's tattoos and never really asked what they are but I guess hubby didn't like them and so decided he would never get one.

My Mom has a couple. So when I really started thinking about getting something for Bailey, I figured I would talk to her first. We were living close to her so it was perfect. Finally I told the hubby. Hey, I'm gonna get a tattoo. He asked WHY?! I said because I want something of Bailey's that I can look at anytime I want to. That didn't really convince him but he knew it was something I really wanted and he couldn't stop me anyway!! HAHA

Mom made the appointment. I photocopied Bailey's footprints from the little card from the hospital. They were side by side so I cut them out and arranged them slightly off of each other and taped them back to the paper and copied it again. Cool! I took my little piece of paper with me and the artist copied it to transfer paper and placed it on my arm. Let the buzzing begin!

Placement. I thought about this A LOT!! I didn't want it where I couldn't see it. The whole reason for getting it was so that I could enjoy her tiny tootsies anytime I wanted. I sat looking at the few pictures I had and realized that when I held her, her feet would touch the top of my forearm up near my elbow. Oh wow, this would be perfect. So that's exactly where they are. They are perfect there. In the summer they can be seen, I can look at them, I can rub them, I can even kiss them. They are always there for me to see. A small reminder that she is still with me.

Oh and btw, the hubby loves them!!