I pray the Lord my soul to take

Been thinking a lot about death lately. Mostly, I imagine, because a fellow baby loss momma passed this last week. News spread fast through the community about her death. She was the mom of eight living children and 3 heavenly  babies. It is said that she died in her sleep, so peacefully, just never to wake on this plain again. I have to admit there was a little jealousy. I can not lie. I bet I'm not alone if others were to be truthful too. There are moments on the grief journey that you wish to be with your child, no matter the cost. So there was a tiny instance that I felt just a little jealous that she was holding her babies and I was not. That passes. It should pass! If it doesn't, you need to talk to someone about how you are feeling and get help moving through your grief.

When I was younger, I mean YOUNGER, I used to imagine, what if I died? Would anyone care? Who would come to the funeral? Imagining my closest friends from school would come see me off and probably not many more. But if you know me at all, you know my favorite all time movie is It's A Wonderful Life. In the movie Clarence tells George that one man's life touches so many others. That if he had not been there to save his little brother, his little brother wouldn't have been there to save those he did. I think we often forget how many lives we touch in a day. That is exactly why I ask you to share your heart. Every time you share your heart you are touching another life. You may never know the impact you have made but it may mean the world to that person. It could mean life and death.

I don't feel the same way I did as a teenager struggling to find her place, wondering if I was cared for, or if anyone would show at my service. Those things are not important to me any more. Thank God! I guess I've grown up a bit. After I lost my babies I became more concerned with what they think, how they see me, are they proud of me? That is how I live my life now. Hopefully in a way that pleases God and my children for they know all and see all and there is no way to hide who I am from them. I don't wish to fall asleep and never wake up anymore. I ask to suffer so that my family can say goodbye and have closure. I cherish my pain, I praise my suffering. All of these, just blessings in disguise to get me closer to where my journey will truly begin...eternity.

So if you know me when I die, or even if you don't, say a prayer for me. Pray that I am worthy to be with my children. Pray that my work is done. Pray for my family to have peace. Pray the Lord my soul to take.