The way it was

Lots of meds made this day 17 years ago pretty blurry in my mind. There are still things this many years later that just aren't clear. I don't think they will ever be and as the years move on, the people that were lucid, well without drugs anyway, don't remember the way I need them to when I have questions.

I remember the transfer to the better hospital. The hospital that had one of the best children's hospitals in the East attached to it. I don't remember getting on the gurney or into the ambulance. I think the terrible city roads must have jarred me awake. I was strapped in on my left side. My hubby and the attendant were talking. He told me to stay on my side and my hubby quickly told him I was trying to. It was a rough ride.

I remember arriving through the ER and my best friend being there when the big doors slid open. She was crying and telling me everything was going to be ok. Fast forward to my room. I was in and out. I remember my BFF playing with the bag of urine attached to the side of my bed. I can't remember why exactly but I do remember telling her to put it down cause she was blowing up my bladder.

I remember trying to get the epidural. Sitting still wasn't really a problem since I was drugged out of my mind but I know he stuck me at least twice before leaving the room to retrieve a smaller needle. I don't remember the OR, I don't remember the birth, I remember waking up in a different room and it was dark. The lights were off but I think it might have been overcast or rainy. I remember one visitor and the nurses bringing me two very blurry Polaroid pictures of my new baby. I suppose at some point I knew my Mom had arrived from Florida because later that night I woke up not being able to breath. I was panicking. I pushed the nurses button. She came and put the oxygen mask on me. I told her I wanted to call my Mom and so she got the me the phone and I carefully dialed my grandmother's phone number and asked my Mommy to come be with me.

Countdown

Truthfully the countdown has been happening for a couple of months now. I have been angry, and sad, and demanding, and rude, and just down right no fun to be around. About two weeks ago I snapped at my hubby, again, and I just went in to the bathroom and cried. I was tired of being so angry. I was tired of my mood turning on a dime. Fine one minute, ready to scratch your eyes out the next. Really embarrassed by the thoughts in my head sometimes. Like when I went to the Dr to get my blood checked and an old man came in after me and they called him right back. First I thought I need to knock this old guy over and say I was here first!! Then I thought I'm gonna make this woman back here explain herself to me, after all it was a walk-in clinic not an appt clinic and I should have been first. Anyhow, I calmed down by the time I got back there, gave my blood, and got out of there as soon as I could.

While crying in the bathroom I prayed that God would release this anger from me. I was driving the people away that I needed the most. More importantly, my hubby was feeding on my anger. When I got mad and snappy he got mad and snappy. I knew I needed to change my mood so he would too and our poor son wouldn't be caught in the middle of something. Within the next day I felt a release. I felt lighter. The anger was subsiding and my prayer had been answered.

Since then we have been more patient with each other. We've been here before, we recognized what was happening. The last couple of weeks have been much better. I have been actually kinda numb leading up to tomorrow. I think that's what is best for me right now. Typically, I would start reliving the nightmare of losing my daughter about the 27th.

October 27th is when I forced myself in the Drs office to try to get answers about my weight gain. They couldn't tell me, they just blew me off with pamphlets about sodium.

October 28th I was sick all day, later that night I had a small stroke and didn't realize what was happening. Luckily it was not severe and I basically slept it off.

October 29th I had been up all night sick, called the ER, they said if I felt the baby move then it was up to me if I came in or not. I got off the phone, laid back and waited, and she moved and moved allover. Later in the morning I called the Dr and told him what was happening. He said sounded like I had the stomach flu and for me to call the office first thing Monday morning to come in. I would see him later that night in the ER after having a seizure on my sofa. He would tell me that basically my baby was making me sick and she needed to come out. I could barely talk but I remember saying it's not time. He said it didn't matter, she had to come out. I spent the next, what I think was, few hours in a dark cold room waiting to be transported to another hospital where my daughter could be taken and receive the best care possible.

CYG2012 Days 23-26

Day 23: Their Name/Their photo
I struggled with this one because I'm not too keen on sharing her on the internet but I felt as part of this process I wanted to share her with you.

Day 24: Siblings
I was thinking about how I would capture this picture. I thought about having my son hold the names of my three babies but then I remembered this picture. He has known about her his whole life. I believe she was in the womb with him telling him all about us and giving him hiccups too. It was always his "job" to pick out flowers for her. This is the closest I will ever come to having my children in one picture together but I love it just the same.

Day 25: Baby Shower/Blessing
I was never able to have a shower. My miscarriages were very early and I had Bailey at nearly 26wks. We hardly had anything for her. My Dad bought us the crib and changing table. Her room was not even close to being set up. We thought we had a lot more time. In fact we should have had at least 12 more weeks with her. Sometimes I think not having a shower was a blessing. The thought of having all that stuff that so many people bought us loving on our daughter and having to come home from the hospital to have it all be for nothing. A blessing and a curse I guess. I opted for no picture for today cause I couldn't think of a way to express how I feel about it.

Day 26: Their age
I saw someone earlier use one of Carly's pictures to write their ages on and I thought that would be perfect for me too. Missing my babies for 22, 17, and 7 years. Bailey's birthday is in 4 days and I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it being 17 years since the last time I held her.

CYG2012 Day 22

Day 22: Place of Care/Birth
This is Children's Hospital of the King's Daughters (CHKD) in Norfolk, Virginia. This is where my daughter was born and lived for two days. I believe there was no better place for her to receive treatment and the best chance at life. Although this is where ultimately she left us, I still feel a close bond to this hospital as it was the last place I held my daughter, now nearly 17 years ago.

For more information about this hospital, go to chkd.org.

CYG2012 Days 20 & 21

Day 20: Charity/Organization
There have been so many organizations that touched my heart since losing my children. The very first was Empty Arms that helped me see it was ok to take care of myself after losing Bailey. Some that are close to my heart are March of Dimes, Compassionate Friends, MEND, and nearly countless other support groups I found through FB. However, the one that is closest to my heart is the support page I started in honor and memory of my babies, Rest In Hope. Since I opened the page my goal has been to offer encouragement through hope to those that have lost a baby but ultimately to provide for funeral expenses and grave markers. So far we have been able to contribute support throughout the community but have not been able to raise enough funding to provide a marker. That is our future!
Please feel free to visit us anytime http://www.facebook.com/RestInHope

Day 21: Sacred Space
I don't really have one place in my home that I can call a sacred space where all of my baby things are located. They are kinda scattered all around so I see them any where I go. I would like to, one day, have an office space where I can display all of the beautiful pictures and paintings I have received over the years. This picture is from my bookcase.

CYG2012 Days 16-19

Day 16: Release
Two beautiful friends held a lantern release last month and this was my lantern sent to Heaven for my babies and those in our local support group.

Day 17: Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates

We have done many different things in the past for birthdays but just remembering her on her special days is important to me. Even if we don't throw a big party or balloon release, I believe she knows that we are thinking of her and love her so much. These are the special days of my Bailey-girl.

Day 18: Family portrait

We don't have a traditional family portrait since three of our babies are missing. My beautiful friend Missi painted a family portrait for me. I cherish it!!

Day 19: Project 
I have a few projects that I work on over the year. One is making little tiny hats to donate to my local hospital, I make them under the name of Bailey's Bonnets. Recently I started a campaign to raise awareness for babyloss and break the silence. It's called Be the VOICE! I encourage parents to "be the voice" of their child. To speak for them and make their names heard. 

A Day of Remembrance ~ October 15 + CYG2012 Day 15

Half-way through the month of October, a month proclaimed in 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, this is our Day of Remembrance. This is the day we publicly proclaim the lives of our babies. The babies we carried in our womb. Some we never met, some that were born but never cried, some that cried but only briefly before they left us all too soon.

This day brings mixed emotions for me. It is half-way between two of my losses. My Christian whom I celebrate on October 1st and may daughter Bailey who was born at 25wks 5days on October 30th. This year has been particularly hard and I'm not exactly sure why. I think it may have to do with this being Bailey's 17th birthday. Seventeen years! It's hard for me to wrap my mind around it being that long. Sometimes it feels like yesterday.

But today, today I want to be a proud Momma. I want to tell everyone that will listen that I have more than one child. That's right, the child you see me at the store with is my only living son. I have three other children as well and they are just as much loved as the son that stands right beside me. You can't see them but they are near. They are in my heart. I named them. It doesn't matter to me that two of them were only alive for weeks or that one of them lived for two days outside of me. It doesn't matter because they were all wanted, all loved, and I had dreams for each one of them.

So today, I am the voice of my children gone too soon. I encourage you to share your child today as well. Perhaps you came across this post and you have never lost a child, well then consider yourself lucky because 1 in every 4 women will experience a loss of this type. 1 in 4 will have their life changed forever. So chances are you know someone that has lost a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. You may say that you don't know anyone but I would bet you if you shared the graphic below on your personal Facebook page that your friends would let you know that they have had a loss. Women have lived these losses in quiet and alone for years and only until you have a loss or you show support for those that have will you know the extent of how affected you are in your little circle of the world. Please help us break the silence and support those that have lost a baby today!

You are welcome to use or share the profile graphic or timeline cover below to raise awareness and remember our babies today. The graphics for you to use or share can be found here.

As for me, today I remember my babies:

Alyssa Jane ~ early miscarriage in 1990, celebrated on December 1st

Bailey Noel ~ born at 25w5d, October 30, 1995- November 1, 1995

Christian Erin ~ early miscarriage in 2005, celebrated on October 1st

* * * * * * * ******************************************* * * * * * * * *

I thought I would just add the photo challenge pic to this post. Day 15: Wave of Light

Day 15: Wave of Light

At 7pm this evening I lit these candles in memory and honor of my 3 babies and all the babies everywhere that left us too soon. <3 ABC <3

CYG2012 Days 13 & 14

Day 13: Signs
I see my babies' hello in lots of different ways but I love seeing their names or initials on tv or in public. It reminds me that they are close by and reminding me they love me.

Day 14: Community
The online BL community has been a huge support to me but my local MEND support group is who knows me and listens to me and hugs me. We had a celebration Saturday night and it was wonderful to get together in fellowship to remember our babies.

CYG2012: Days 9-12

I have still been steadily participating in the photo challenge but just haven't been able to keep up the blog each day so here is the wrap-up of the last 4 days.

Day 9: Special place
This one was hard. I used Bailey's grave on day 5 so I had to really think about another special place. We have moved around a lot and with Bailey buried in VA and us not being there to visit, we started going to cemeteries that are local and visiting. I have always had a connection with cemeteries and I am quite at peace there. I walk through, read the names, say little prayers, take pictures, and leave flowers on those tiny baby graves. I can't do that for my daughter right now so it is comforting to do it for someone else.

Day 10: Symbol
I don't have just one. There are many things that remind me of my babies. Butterflies, dragonflies, their initials ABC, and more. I think the one that brings me the most comfort is the sky, looking to the heavens and the clouds, and feeling like they are so much closer than they really are.

Day 11: Supportive Friends and Family
I have had so much support since reaching out to the online community. I am afraid to list everyone because I'm scared I will leave someone out. You all know who you are, you know you are precious to my heart! My family is supportive as well but most importantly I think is my rainbow. He is my world and he knows all about his siblings and understands my grief. We can talk openly about life and death and Heaven. He is my rock and my reason to be strong.

Day 12: Scents
I don't have any particular scents that remind me of my babies specifically. Nothing that can take me back to the hospital or even the cemetery. But this time of year, fall, reminds of them. So the scents of the season remind me of Bailey especially. Pumpkin spice, apple pies, and cider.

CYG2012 Day 8: Jewelry

Special piece of jewelry. Here are 3 pieces I had hand-stamped from Kayce Jones Designs and two from special pendants from Beth Quinn Designs.

Day 8: Jewelry

I have lots of jewelry that I have acquired over the years. I picked a few of the pieces I got hand-stamped and two pieces I had special made with significant sayings. 

For more info on KJD you can visit her FB page here.
For more info on BQD you can visit her FB page here.

CYG2012 Day 7: What to say

It really is hard to what to know what to say to someone who has lost a baby. Even for me! That's because you can never be sure of what will be receptive at any time. What's comforting for one person can sting the next. What can sting today can be comforting tomorrow. It's all about perception and life experiences. I've found it's just easier to say your sorry. If this person is close to you then let them know that you will never forget their baby.

Day 7: Over the years I have found that saying the right thing is hard to do. Everyone's grief is different and life experiences makes even the kindest words left up to perception. What works for one person could sting the next. I have found these two phrases have always worked for me. If you're just not sure what to say I'm sorry is always welcomed. And as we are all afraid that people will forget our child over the years, the next phrase is just comforting.

CYG2012 Day 6: What not to say

What not to say to someone that has lost a baby...

I heard many many of the most typical responses but these are the ones I heard most. I think I was probably either too much in shock or just too tolerant to be seriously hurt by these remarks. However I was extremely surprised by the miscarriage comment.

Day 6: What not to say
I don't feel the sting of these words anymore. I realize that most of the time people speak these words because they think it's comforting. I can't blame them for not understanding. Truth is I hope they never do.

Except maybe the miscarriage one, I think that's just, well rude and misinformed at the very least. Matthew 19:14 But Jesus said, “Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

CYG2012 Day 5: Memorial

Memorial:

My daughter's grave site in Virginia. I miss visiting her so much, taking her pretty flowers and balloons, and just sitting there having a little talk.

Day 5: Memorial
This is my Bailey girls burial marker. This was probably the only part of any of her care or planning that I took part in since I was very sick. As soon as I was able we went to pick out a marker. I barely remember looking through books of different designs but I remember when I saw the angel with the two children crossing the bridge, that is what I wanted for her. She is buried in Virginia and we are currently in Texas. It is very difficult to not be close to visit. I know her spirit is always with me but there is something special about being so close to her perfect body. I miss her desperately and wish I could visit her for her 17th birthday at the end of the month.

CYG2012 Day 4: Treasured Item

Treasured items. I don't have too many. Some things I got from the hospital got packed up many years ago in the beginning of what would be many many moves and is currently "lost" in a storage unit 5 hours away. I wish I knew the exact box her stuff was in so I could go there and get it. I want her stuff with me!!! I want to hold it and look at it and cry on it. I have very few tangible items and they are oh so precious!

For the challenge I chose her little picture book with all of 17 pictures in it. No professional pictures of her little feet and tiny fingers, no pictures of them at all unfortunately. Just a few of the first time I was able to hold her and some of when we held her after we took her off support.

Day 4: Treasured Item
I don't have many things of Bailey's. I had three Polaroids the nurses took and gave us, all of which are blurry. We got a few pictures in the "quiet room" as we held her and passed her around to meet all her grandparents. Not nearly enough. While I know I have more than some people I still find myself envious of those with pictures of their baby professionally done. Heck I'm envious of those with cell phones. 17 years ago we didn't have those things.

CYG2012 Day 3: After Loss

I debated on which picture to post for this day's challenge. So much of the AFTER is about anger, sadness, pain, etc. I wanted to show a different side. This is the face of someone that knows more pain than anyone should ever have to know. It's not the face of the happy-go-lucky 19 year old she used to be but the face of a 42 year old that can still muster a smile.

Here is my submission for Day 3 and what I wrote as a caption.

Day 3: After loss
I was undecided as to what kind of picture to post for day 3. I have years and years of "after" since my losses span 20 years but I felt it was more important to show a picture of me now, present time, in which I'm at peace with my three losses. That doesn't mean I don't have my days (or months like October lol) but my heart is settled knowing that each day is one day closer to seeing them again and I have joy and hope in my life. I know that may seem strange or way too far off for some of you but it can happen, it just takes time, it's a process. Don't be hard on yourself and trust your journey.

CYG2012 Day 2: Before loss

It's gonna be a long month so from here on out I will abbreviate Capture Your Grief as CYG2012.

Day 2: Before loss

This picture was taken in September of 1995 when the hubby and I went to FL to visit my Mom. Here we were getting ready to get on Discovery and take a day cruise. The next day we drove down to Key West and I had one picture down there taken at the Southernmost Point. These two pictures are the only pictures I have from my pregnancy with Bailey. Of course, I thought I would have more time and be able to take lots of baby bump pictures. I had not even purchased any maternity clothes yet. You can hardly tell I'm pregnant here in my baggy shirt I was wearing for comfort. After I got home I bought two new maternity shirts that I never got to wear. Just about 8 short weeks later she would be taken from me in order to save my life.

I was blissfully happy here and I miss that.

Christian's Day 7 years

It's been 7 years since he lived and I still miss what he would have become and how the dynamic of our family would have changed with him here.

I'd like to thank everyone to supported me today. It was not all a bad day. I am exhausted but happy to go to bed feeling loved tonight. I have so many friends that understand what this kind of day means and they went out of their way today to help me. I appreciate each and every one of you!

Here is the picture I posted for Capture Your Grief Day 1:

This the profile picture I used for RIH and my personal page:

And this the is cover I used on my personal page:

I decided a little over a month ago that I am going to share more on my personal page and not shy away from it because my friends might not like it. So that is why the wording was added to the cover.

I'm beat so off to bed. See you tomorrow for Day 2! 

October 1, 2012 Christian's Day

Today is Christian's Day!! It is the 7th anniversary of his life.

I thought this year I would share his story as I wrote it last year for a photography and grief class.

It was 2005, we decided it was finally time to start trying again. Matthew was 4 and really wanted me to have twins like Dora’s mom did. HA! After a couple of layoffs we were getting back to a good place financially. We would have tried sooner had we not had to deal with the layoffs and subsequent moves. I was told after I had Bailey that my risk for having all the same problems was very high. It’s not normal to have Eclamptic seizures and HELLP Syndrome in the 2nd trimester. The Dr said I would have a ‘window’ to be able to have more children in safely and he had no way to determine how long that window would stay open. We had Matthew in 2000 with no problems other than the usual pregnancy issues like sickness and swelling. I was monitored very closely and it looked like the Dr was right, my window was wide open. We knew we needed to get started again asap to take full advantage of our window. Well, in true form for me, I got pregnant right away. I knew it just as I had known it with my other pregnancies. I had sickness and fatigue almost immediately. And my boobs ugh! It looked like I would be due in late June/early July of 2006. When I missed my period, I took a test, it was negative. WHAT? How could this be? I’m sick, I’m tired, is it in my head? What’s going on? I waited another day and took a test again. It was POSITIVE! Thank goodness, I thought I was going crazy. I didn't get to enjoy my good news long, the next week I started to spot. I called the NP at my PCP and she told me it sounded like I was having a miscarriage and that I should wait a couple of days to see what happens and call her again. I continued to spot lightly for a couple of days and decided to take another test. It was positive. My fear was that I might be pregnant with twins and losing one so I called the NP back. Again, she was not of much help, and basically said that my body was taking care of itself and I should just “let it happen”. I was devastated. After a few more days and no change, I called my OB/Gyn. I know, I should have just done that in the first place. He had me go to the hospital and get blood drawn. I thought he would never call back. He said my hormone levels were high but not as high as they should be. I was losing my baby. He decided against a D&C and had me come back to the hospital in a few days. My levels were dropping, so I was to wait three more days and come back again. I spent two weeks getting blood drawn when finally my levels were where he wanted them to be. I continued to bleed for another two weeks. It was the longest month of my life. It brought back so many memories of Bailey and how I bled and bled and bled. It killed me a little more every time I saw that blood, it was a reminder of my loss. The same with this baby. I just wanted the bleeding to stop! 

The last day I knew I was pregnant for sure was Oct 1st so that is the day we celebrate Christian. I believed him to be a boy but we gave him the middle name of Erin which is traditionally thought of as the feminine spelling. In my defense, my baby name book showed Erin as being used for both genders. 

So, I was told this was my window closing and I was told I would probably not ever carry another baby to term and the risk to my health would increase the longer I was pregnant. My husband and I decided that we could not risk my health to have another baby. The chances of really having another baby were slim and my being around for Matthew was more important. What a hard decision, and one I think about nearly everyday. I hate that I can’t try again. All in all, my mind tells me that we made the right decision but my heart aches for another baby.