Christian's Day 7 years

It's been 7 years since he lived and I still miss what he would have become and how the dynamic of our family would have changed with him here.

I'd like to thank everyone to supported me today. It was not all a bad day. I am exhausted but happy to go to bed feeling loved tonight. I have so many friends that understand what this kind of day means and they went out of their way today to help me. I appreciate each and every one of you!

Here is the picture I posted for Capture Your Grief Day 1:

This the profile picture I used for RIH and my personal page:

And this the is cover I used on my personal page:

I decided a little over a month ago that I am going to share more on my personal page and not shy away from it because my friends might not like it. So that is why the wording was added to the cover.

I'm beat so off to bed. See you tomorrow for Day 2! 

October 1, 2012 Christian's Day

Today is Christian's Day!! It is the 7th anniversary of his life.

I thought this year I would share his story as I wrote it last year for a photography and grief class.

It was 2005, we decided it was finally time to start trying again. Matthew was 4 and really wanted me to have twins like Dora’s mom did. HA! After a couple of layoffs we were getting back to a good place financially. We would have tried sooner had we not had to deal with the layoffs and subsequent moves. I was told after I had Bailey that my risk for having all the same problems was very high. It’s not normal to have Eclamptic seizures and HELLP Syndrome in the 2nd trimester. The Dr said I would have a ‘window’ to be able to have more children in safely and he had no way to determine how long that window would stay open. We had Matthew in 2000 with no problems other than the usual pregnancy issues like sickness and swelling. I was monitored very closely and it looked like the Dr was right, my window was wide open. We knew we needed to get started again asap to take full advantage of our window. Well, in true form for me, I got pregnant right away. I knew it just as I had known it with my other pregnancies. I had sickness and fatigue almost immediately. And my boobs ugh! It looked like I would be due in late June/early July of 2006. When I missed my period, I took a test, it was negative. WHAT? How could this be? I’m sick, I’m tired, is it in my head? What’s going on? I waited another day and took a test again. It was POSITIVE! Thank goodness, I thought I was going crazy. I didn't get to enjoy my good news long, the next week I started to spot. I called the NP at my PCP and she told me it sounded like I was having a miscarriage and that I should wait a couple of days to see what happens and call her again. I continued to spot lightly for a couple of days and decided to take another test. It was positive. My fear was that I might be pregnant with twins and losing one so I called the NP back. Again, she was not of much help, and basically said that my body was taking care of itself and I should just “let it happen”. I was devastated. After a few more days and no change, I called my OB/Gyn. I know, I should have just done that in the first place. He had me go to the hospital and get blood drawn. I thought he would never call back. He said my hormone levels were high but not as high as they should be. I was losing my baby. He decided against a D&C and had me come back to the hospital in a few days. My levels were dropping, so I was to wait three more days and come back again. I spent two weeks getting blood drawn when finally my levels were where he wanted them to be. I continued to bleed for another two weeks. It was the longest month of my life. It brought back so many memories of Bailey and how I bled and bled and bled. It killed me a little more every time I saw that blood, it was a reminder of my loss. The same with this baby. I just wanted the bleeding to stop! 

The last day I knew I was pregnant for sure was Oct 1st so that is the day we celebrate Christian. I believed him to be a boy but we gave him the middle name of Erin which is traditionally thought of as the feminine spelling. In my defense, my baby name book showed Erin as being used for both genders. 

So, I was told this was my window closing and I was told I would probably not ever carry another baby to term and the risk to my health would increase the longer I was pregnant. My husband and I decided that we could not risk my health to have another baby. The chances of really having another baby were slim and my being around for Matthew was more important. What a hard decision, and one I think about nearly everyday. I hate that I can’t try again. All in all, my mind tells me that we made the right decision but my heart aches for another baby.

September 30

It's Sunday September 30.

Most years I dread this day cause it's the last day of September and that means tomorrow is Christian's Day and the beginning of an emotional month for me and a lot of people I know.

Today, it's like any other day I've had for the last month. Emotions teetering on the brink of tears at any given moment. Today I decided I would sleep in as long as I wanted/needed to and then just take an easy, not rushed, not feeling the need to accomplish anything kind of day.

I do plan to make Christian a cover for my FB pages so I can tell the world that it has been 7 years since he's been gone and that he is still very much loved and missed. I am planning to share his story here on the blog tomorrow as well.

I have made sure that October is full of things to keep me busy. Of course there is the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month and day vigils/celebrations going on and in the planning.

I am working on a special BL Survivor artwork I hope to unveil within the next week or by the 15th.
I am selling wristbands that say Remembering My Angel and Rest In Hope
I will be participating in CarlyMarie's Capture Your Grief photo challenge for the month.
I will be participating in the Shine Bright: Discover Your Light ecourse
I will be opening an online storefront to sell jewelry, rosary, prayer beads, wristbands, artwork, prints, etc.

I am hoping by keeping myself so busy I have less time to be in my head and more time to be productive and give back. Here's praying that it works. I'm tired of pushing back the tears and trying to keep the anger that sneaks up on me in check. What I really need is a punching bag and a good cry! Anyone have a punching bag I can use?


For more information about the Capture Your Grief project go here.
For more information on the Shine Bright ecourse go here.
If you would like to purchase a wristband go here.

Surrender

I am facing what are most certainly some of the hardest days I've had in a long time. I'm not used to feeling some of this stuff anymore. Maybe that's why it's been so hard. The tears flow easily right now.

All the while still, friends are losing babies. It doesn't stop. Every day another baby goes to Heaven, multiple even around the world. We live in a world where death happens, evil happens and we fight it. We ignore it. We don't believe it can happen to us. We don't talk about it because then it may come to us. We say we're sorry, and we are, we change the subject maybe with a platitude, and we don't want to deal with it anymore, basically saying, "Don't bring your death into my life!".

Honestly I don't know how these people live in their little bubbles. I've lost family and friends many times in my life. I was never sheltered from death. I went to funerals and cemeteries and I'm thankful for that. Maybe I was being prepared for the death that would touch my life in a way that no parent should know.

Even now, when my pain is so raw. While the tears are so fresh I know what has to be done to survive.

Surrender!

We have to surrender to reality.
Surrender to death.
Surrender to what's gone.
Surrender to what's not coming back.
Surrender to what's been lost.
Surrender to what will never be.
and then
Surrender to life.

Life goes on. As cliche or just shitty as it sounds, it's true. We all know it. We learned the hard way when we wanted the world to know how bad we hurt and the world just went on without our baby.

I will make it through this dark time. The time will pass and I will smile again. I know because I've done it before. That makes me a survivor! I am a survivor! and I will get through this. My grief, my pain, my tears, they honor my children. They honor the love I have for them. I will surrender to survive!

Last night was HARD

I went to my monthly M.E.N.D. meeting last night. I love going. I love being able to go somewhere and be the voice of my children, speak their names like they are in the next room, and cry without anyone thinking I'm crazy. If you haven't tried going to a support group meeting, please try it at least once. The hardest part is getting there. Most that I have been to don't require you to say anything maybe other than your name. It's definitely a different atmosphere compared to individual counseling. There's no pressure to talk to answer questions or worry about saying the right or wrong things.

Things have been hard lately. I wrote about all the crazy stuff going on the other day and decided I needed to work out my issues on paper. Not only facing my demons but offer a blessing to my problems as well. I felt awesome after realizing that. I was having the best day I had had in weeks. Then, as the hubby was watching the final episode of MASH of all things, there was a scene where he was telling the lady to keep her chicken quiet. He told her to make it stop cause they were gonna find them and kill them all. He told her to keep the chicken quiet. Then the chicken was quiet, the woman was crying, and he looked back to see that she had killed her baby to save all of their lives. It was't a chicken IT WAS A BABY! I lost it. Right there sitting at the table where just moments earlier I was happy, now I was bawling my eyes out. Stupid TV program!

So back to last night. I got there early. A friend was bringing some candle votives for us to decorate for Oct 15th. We joked about having arts and crafts and I was laughing again. It felt good. I didn't want to have the regular meeting where we go around the room and introduce ourselves and our losses. I wanted to kick back with my paint pen and my votive and just have a good time, for a couple hours at least.

As everything else has been going lately, no luck for me. We had a new person show up. Glad she was able to come and talk out her problems but I wanted to be selfish, I wanted to just laugh and paint. We had to go around the room, it's was my turn. I kept a steady gaze on my candle holder and continued to paint as I said, "I had a miscarriage a long time ago, then I got pregnant with my daughter, then I had seizures and she was taken from me. She lived for two days. Then I had a son, then I had another miscarriage." Giant tears forming in my eyes. The kind so big that you wonder how they are still there and not rolling down your face, making your vision blurry until you blink and they fall. I sat there painting the rest of the night. In fact I painted 3 votives instead of just one. There were a couple of questions and I talked about my friend dying and how I think that thrust me into this deep pit right now.

I put Bailey's and Christian's birthdays in the newsletter and one of the nice girls brought it to me cause I didn't receive mine. I had it open to the page and I just stared at it all night. Every time I saw that 17, I just cried harder. I can't believe it's been soooo long since I last held or saw my baby girl. Those people aren't used to seeing this from me. They are used to me talking about hope and peace and joy. They don't see me like this and it's not what I wanted them to see. I don't want them to think I'm a hypocrite for preaching love and peace and then show up depressed and crying. But that's just my head speaking cause I know they understand it doesn't matter how strong you are or how at peace with your loss, there are just times that tears are needed, tears are welcome, to cleanse the soul and to make room for love again.

It's not even October yet and this month is weighing on me hard. The ache in my heart seems overwhelming at times. It's the ache of missing someone so much that you would bargain anything to see them, hold them, love them, one more time. Knowing that that day will come warms my aching heart, it soothes it a little. I wonder how many people understand wanting to die so bad to see your babies again but not wanting to die at all and leave your family and friends behind. You can't have it both ways so you live, the best you can to put a smile on those faces in Heaven. Blow them kisses and say I miss you, and I love you, and I will see you soon.

Demons and hills

As I was reading over a few comments on my last post, I was reminded that it is ok to take time to process the hard stuff in our lives. I want all the hard part to be over and done with already.  I'm supposed to be in the easy part now but suddenly I find myself dealing with thoughts and feelings I haven't felt in a long while.

I have been fighting it, wishing it would go away, praying for the next morning to be bright again full of light and peace. It's not gonna happen on it's own. I KNOW THIS! Not dealing with it only makes it seem to go away until something makes it pop up again and there you are, right back where you started.

I need to figure out exactly what these demons are and then fight them. Maybe I'm just in one of those lulls. The ups and downs of life, and I'm in the downs right now. Where it seems everything is against me and I'm constantly fighting to climb back up. I'm tired. I'm tired of climbing though.

Watching Christmas movies all day on TV does better my mood and my attitude but it's not really fixing the problem. I guess it's more like taking a break on the way on this hill. I'm trying to catch my breath so I can make it all the way to the top. Problem is I can't see the top right now, and I want to really really bad.

In two weeks I will celebrate the life of my last little one. My Christian Erin who will have been gone for 7 years now. I need to be moving up this hill by then so I can give him the honor he deserves. So while I will probably still have Christmas movies on during the day I am committing to focus on the issues.

Today I will start picking a problem and making a list of ways to fix it. I'm sure those ways will be long term goals and some beyond my control. Beyond my control because other people are involved, but maybe physically making a list will help sort through the mumbo-jumbo in my head.

So as I sat down to put this to virtual paper I saw a quote that gave me a bit of a jolt. Those little blessings that send me messages just when I need it most. And perhaps as I list my demons, I shall list my blessings as well. For there is the HOPE in the despair.

My plate is too full

There's been a lot going on lately, kinda behind the scenes. I haven't written or updated the FB page much the last few weeks. I really don't even know where to begin.

Well at the end of August we bought a new car. Our son is outgrowing us me and so too the little Jetta we had. The poor kid was scrunched in the back seat and literally had to turn sideways to get in and out. Any drive longer than 20 mins and he was complaining about his knees hurting. The car was failing in a lot of ways so we started looking for a used car. We were not getting qualified because we still owed too much on the Jetta so one salesperson suggested we buy new because of the incentives that come along with the new cars. It worked and we got something that my son can grow into and if need be will be able to ride in the front and me in the back.

This brought on a lot of anxiety about a new larger car payment. I have not worked regularly/and or job bounced for the last 5 years. In fact, the 24th will be 5 years exactly when I had my first severe vertigo attack. I'm not talking whoa I turned my head too fast dizzy, I'm talking full blown world spinning out of control don't know which way is up vertigo. It lasted nearly 10 hours and ended with a long ER visit to re-hydrate me and get my BP back up to normal. Ever since, the attacks come more often and with or without notice. So I don't work anymore cause I was getting fired for missing too many days, I don't drive anymore because I don't know when an attack is coming, and basically I go no where alone anymore. There have been  lots of tests and lots of meds and basically what Drs agree is the only cure is to sever the nerves in my ear, which will make me deaf. And since both ears are affected, well you get the picture. So I have been seriously stressing over money and trying to find some work at home job that is NOT a scam.

Then school started and what I hoped was going to be nice days of quiet and peace ended up just being frustration. Dealing with an issue with our new car wasn't helping either. Then I found out terrible news. A friend from our old hometown was murdered. I call her a friend, I consider her that. Maybe truth is she was more of an acquaintance. I met her when she was my son's teacher's assistant and new her for some time through school and church. She was an awesome woman with the light of the world in her eyes. Not only was she murdered but it came out that it was a murder-suicide in which her eldest son shot her, her daughter, her youngest son, and then himself. For two weeks I would have bad dreams and just not be able to sleep at all with my mind racing about what happened and how it happened. And of course WHY! I was sad that I could not be there to mourn and celebrate her with other friends. To show support to the family left behind and offer what ever I could to ease their pain, if only for a moment.

Then came the anger of not being where I would hope we would be over a year ago. We have moved around A LOT! Hubby has been laid off from 4 jobs in the last 11 years. Huge chunks of those years spent not working, looking for jobs, and moving to accommodate the jobs he did get, only to be laid off again. I know he does not want to stay where we are so I have been trying to figure out where a good place for us is. Asking for guidance, asking for help, asking that we can make one more move that will be the move where my son will graduate high school. No more switching schools. A place for us all to put down roots and settle in to the rest of our lives. However, close enough to family and friends to be able to visit from time to time. Still waiting.

Still waiting to incorporate Rest In Hope cause we had not planned to be in TX this long and not wanting to have to do it all over again in another state. What seems like putting my life on hold for something that doesn't seem to want to happen. Frustration is at an all time high.

My friend's death seems to have put me full ahead in the grief path that is October. Earlier than expected I am consumed by thoughts of death and the life after. The what if's and the what should've beens. I had planned on opening a shop to sell some art and jewelry items to help out the family and also try to raise money for Rest In Hope to help fund markers. I have several people I would like to help but can't cause I can't even help my own family right now. And over frustrated!! All this over-emotion has stifled my creativity, I don't even feel like I want to paint or draw or make anything. I just want to be, to sleep, to pass the days.

Back to the car, it's a simple thing really. Texas requires front license plates. We went to pick up our plates and realized there was no front bracket on the car. The salesperson wanted to drill the plate right into the bumper. Um NO! He called later and left a message saying he could order it for $30. My first thought was I'm not paying for something that should come with the car especially in a state the requires it. A call to the Customer Care Center and I found out it was included in the sales code and should've been in the car. They said that would have the dealership call. No call. Called back to the CCC to have a case manager assigned. This Tuesday she called to say after talking with the dealership it was determined that part was not made for the car. HUH? He can order it but it's not made?? OK right, I asked to speak to a manager and was told one would call. Still waiting. Wednesday I went on Dodge's FB page and left a little note, they contacted me and told me someone would call me by Friday. Still waiting. All of this frustration over a $30 part that I would have thought the dealer would have eaten to make the customer happy. Oh and found out yesterday that the dealer has the part on hand because I have the part number and so it does exist. All this extra crap on top of what is already been a rough few weeks. I literally broke down in tears while trying to call the CCC Tuesday and got disconnected.

There was a glimmer and a smile yesterday. For more than a year I have been emailing Precious Moments and leaving notes on their FB page about a piece that was retired. I urged them to bring it out of retirement because it's a babyloss piece and I know it would bring a lot of peace to so many moms out there. Finally! They did it. Mommy's Love Goes With You has been re-released and is scheduled for delivery mid-October. What could be better? This wonderful figurine delivered to me during the hardest time of the year for me. I know it will come on the day I need it most. I can't wait. Oh in case you're interested, the price is $50. You may think that is pricey, and you know what, it's pricey to me these days too but the only place I could find this was on eBay for $1200. Yes, one thousand two hundred dollars!

I'm sorry to make this post the size of a small eBook but I really needed to get this all off my chest. To kinda let everyone know what's been going on and why I have been a bit distant. Christian's Day is just around the corner October 1, and I can't help but think about this being his 7th year since he left and how he should be a rambunctious 1st grader. Time flies and then again it stands still when you miss someone soo much.

Thanks for sticking by Rest In Hope, my ultimate goal is to be an encouragement for those that find this blog or the FB page. I want people to know that life can be good again, you can love and mother your children in Heaven just as much more with a smile on your face and a smile in your heart. Oh and since I have only told a few, there is a book in the future. I am steadily compiling my words but in these days of pain that come along, it seems might far off. Being at peace with your loss doesn't mean that you won't always have a hole in your heart. And these days that I am having now, this pain I feel for Christian, and Bailey whose birthday is in Oct also, and even for Alyssa, it doesn't mean I have slid back down in the depths of grief. It means I love them more then I ever knew was possible and some days just hurt more than others.

A Gift from Far Away Places - like Australia

A couple of weeks ago I was writing about my little muses and how my beautiful friend was creating something wonderful for my family. She finished it last week and sent it on it's long way across the ocean from Australia all the way to Texas. Did I mention I love getting mail from overseas? Did I mention I love getting mail...period?! 

So to my surprise, and her's too, it showed up today. The nice mail lady laughed at me when I opened the door all giddy about my package. She had not even noticed where it had come from because she was too concerned about getting my signature for it. She thought it was cool too.

I brought it upstairs, took a picture of the box so I could let my friend know it had arrived safely then I pulled out the scissors and went to town getting that box open!!!

O...M...G...Oh my gorgeousness!! The colors are soooo pretty and even though I've gotten fairly good pictures of it, justice can not be served here. It is just that amazing in person. 

The poem is what my babies were whispering to me, keeping me up way too late, so that she could include it on the picture. So here is the poem:

Our family is not typical

We are missing a few

They live up in Heaven

Alyssa, Bailey, and Christian too

Three are grounded

With roots of love

And three fly around

In the skies above

I see you in the butterflies

On their wings your pure light gleams

I feel you in the dark of night

You are always in my dreams

We know you're always with us

And we shouldn't feel so blue

For one day Heaven will welcome us

To live forever with you

UPDATE. It has been about 2 weeks since I tried to post this. I have taken so many pictures and none of them came out. They either have a really bad glare or they are just blurry. I am giving up on the picture. I am feeling that there are three little ones that want to be the beauty of the picture in the family. However, so you can see the finished product I am going to show you the picture I got from the artist. So sorry. I will keep trying but I think it is futile.

Am I Speaking to YOU?

I was reminded tonight how really far away I am from the deep deep darkness I once felt. I am in constant praise for that.

However, I realize that babies are lost everyday, lots of them sadly. It makes me cry to think that someone, lots of someones, are out there at this very moment suffering a pain that no one ever ever wants to feel.

I guess this post is for you, if you are one of those people. I want to speak to you.

You may have found my blog from many other blogs that I link up with, or through Facebook, or maybe even from a babyloss website.

You may read my posts and think I'm crazy.
You may feel like I have no heart that I am able 'go on' the way I do.
You may click away.

I want you to know though that

I have been there
I have felt that pain and still do
I have been numb
I have been scared and scarred
I have wanted to scream as loud as I could and did
I have cried and cried until there were no more tears and wondered how that was even possible
I have been angry
I have been jealous
I have wanted to dig my baby girl from her grave to hold her just one more time
I have hated to go out in public
I have been bitter
I have burst into tears at the sight of a frilly Easter dress
I have wondered why her and not me

The list is endless really. What I'm trying to say is that I understand where you are at if you have just lost your baby. I understand that reading about someone that is at peace and has hope and joy in her life again can feel so far away, and maybe even plain stupid. Please remember though that I was there, where you are right now, I was there and I remember.

You are welcome here anytime, when YOU are ready, you can come back here and I pray you can find some hope in my words. In your time.

I am linking up with a wonderful blog Dear Finley, please join us

Day of Hope + an Epiphany

I changed my profile picture on Facebook today. That's not unusual, I change it a lot. Today I changed to a beautiful collage of two pictures to represent what today, August 19th, means to me.

Credit: CarlyMarie

And this is what I posted to my Facebook page today.

There are a hand-full of times throughout the year when I use my personal page to express my love and passion for speaking up for babies that have died. Today is one of those days. 

August 19th Day of Hope was created by a wonderful lady i

n Australia after the death of her son. She writes the names of babies that have died on the sandy beaches and photographs them at sunset for their parents to always have a memorial of their baby's name. 

Our babies were much loved and much wanted and were given a name with the expectation of dreams to be fulfilled. Sadly those dreams will never be realized for that child but their name is still so precious to us. Today is a day to speak up for lost babies. Tell the world that they are very much a part of our daily lives, we love to see and hear their names, and they are never ever forgotten. So I created an event for today where I am encouraging others to speak for their baby, to be their VOICE! Say their name openly and tell everyone how loved they still are. 

If you know someone that has lost a child, please urge them to go to this event page and list their baby's name on the wall for everyone to remember today...and every day! 

I know it's my Facebook page and I can put or say anything I want to on it, but often I take on the common uneasiness of putting my dead babies out there. I suppose I am afraid of making other people uneasy or maybe I just don't want anyone to think I'm crazy.

Is this not the very thing I hate about babyloss? I am an offender!!

So I have decided from now on, I will share my thoughts about babyloss on my personal page whenever or however, or even however often, I like. If those people that are "friends" on my page do not understand or wish to sweep me under the carpet as an unfortunate soul that is lost in the world of death, then those people are not my friends. I would hope that anyone that sees my posts and thinks strangely of me would send me a private message and ask me about my losses. Ask me WHY!! I'm certainly not afraid to speak about my babies and I am certainly not afraid to speak about loss so why do I shy away from it on my personal page?

Maybe it's because I have a page on Facebook specifically for loss and loss related topics. Maybe I'm trying to keep these two worlds separate?

NO MORE!

These two worlds collided years ago. They are not separate in my mind or in my heart so why should they be separate in real life? Or virtual life either?

I am mother to 4 children.
I am mother to 2 babies lost in miscarriage.
I am mother to 1 baby born at 25w5d and whom lived for 2 days before she had to leave us.
I am mother to one living child, a son.

This is me whether online or in real life.

From this day on, I will live as one for my babies. ALL of them!


** This post was supposed to be about speaking up for your babies. Being their VOICE!! Telling the world they are never forgotten. However, I had a bit of an epiphany when I posted to my personal page and realized I was doing exactly what I urge others not to do. I hope you will visit the event page to read about why I think this day is special **

A full array of beautiful Day of Hope awareness images can be found here.
 

Clocks and Calendars

You know how people always talk about having an internal time clock? Like how they can just wake up every morning at 6am and have no need for an alarm. I have NEVER been like that. It might be because I like to sleep more than the average person or that I need more sleep than the average person who knows.

I guess I envy people that can have regular sleep patterns and wake up early to start their day. I'm definitely more of a night owl. I like the peace and quiet of the night-time and that's when I get the most accomplished. Ironically, I sit here writing this before the sun if fully up because I woke a little after 5am this morning. Funny! Of course it has less to do with my internal time clock and more to do with my bladder! UGH!

Any how, my "clock" may not work so good but boy does my calendar work. You didn't know you had an internal calendar?? Well I'm guessing if you've ever dealt with any type of significant loss in your life then yes you know you have a calendar. Let me explain.

For example, this past February, one day I woke with a terrible attitude. From the moment I stepped out of bed it was one thing after another that irritated me. I'm sure it was my bladder that woke me up so I was ticked at my bladder for not letting me sleep longer. Then I was ticked because the toilet paper didn't rip right. The Keurig couldn't heat up fast enough and that first cup of coffee did nothing to satisfy me. It went on and on like this all day. Finally later in the afternoon I was writing a couple of bills and realized, it's February 7th. You see February 7, 1996 was my due date with Bailey. It didn't matter much that it had been 16 years since that day cause inside my calendar was keeping track. My calendar was telling me, "HELLO...this is an important day to you, figure it out already and deal with it!!". I burst into tears not because I was sad really but because the frustration finally meant something. Now I knew what was happening and I could acknowledge it and be gentle on myself.

I try really hard now-a-days to notice my change in attitude and figure out what's causing it. Sometimes it's anger, or sadness, or frustration, or just indifference, but I know I'm not my usual self and I need to figure out why. The sooner I can pinpoint the culprit the sooner I can accept there's a genuine reason for my feelings and let them play out the way they need to. Most helpful for my family too who tends to bear the brunt of my outbursts.

The calendar will be working overtime in the next few months. I can picture it in my mind like it's the huge desk type with little notes written on special dates. Dates leading up to other dates that culminate in a giant red circle that says, "Bailey's Birthday".

It really starts mid-Sept to build up for Christian's Day but pretty much all of October is a wash. November is when she died and was buried but then I get to celebrate my only living child's birthday. Then December and Alyssa' Day but just the next day is the anniversary of our vow renewal, this year it's number 7. After that is leading into Christmas and being blessed and sad and even envious all the same time. YES this calendar will be on overload by the end of the year. 

The Difference a Day Makes

Today is a typical Tuesday and tomorrow, I suspect, will be a typical Wednesday so what's the difference?

Today it is July. Tomorrow it will be August.

My losses all occurred in October, November, and December. It makes the last of the year pretty difficult and even unbearable at times. The first of the year brings much more than a new beginning it brings an official end to my sorrow for at least a few more months.

But August! August and September mean going back to school, preparing with long lists of supplies and new clothes. I ALWAYS loved going back to school when I was a kid. I loved shopping for crayons and shoes, still do! But I can't help but reflect on where my family would be in this process had all of our children survived. This year, a college kid, a junior in high school, a 6th grader starting middle school, and a 1st grader. Wow, the supply lists would be endless and so varied but how much fun it would be shopping.

So it doesn't matter that today is Tuesday and tomorrow is Wednesday cause in my mind, today is Summer and tomorrow is Back to School.

My Little Muses

I have a beautiful friend that made this painting for me last year. It is seriously beautiful!! She is painting me something special again this year and it is wonderful because it will come right when I need it most. Going in to August now seems to be the beginning of my season. Although my losses are in Oct-Dec, I get bothered by school starting and the thought of what should be. So I've seen this new painting almost completed and I swear I get tears in my eyes just seeing a picture of it. We were thinking about some kind of quote to put on it.  I was looking for some sort of quote about family love or Heaven or babies or something.

That's when my little muse, sitting upon my shoulder whispered into my ear. I pulled out the paper and began to write. As I was going to close the window on my computer I saw a quote that I loved!! It was really perfect and not really trusting my own abilities as a poet I decided I might scrap what I have in favor of this quote. I messaged my friend with the quote and my ramblings. She said she LOVED LOVED LOVED mine. I asked her if she was just being a good friend and lying to me but I knew she wasn't, that's not the kind of person she is.

I think this quote is more than perfect for two reasons. 1) she incorporated my tree in the painting and 2) three of my children have wings. Very cool! But I was only half done with my poem and the words were not coming to me anymore so I decided to go to bed and hope I could dream them up. I didn't even get out of my chair good before I was "made" to sit back down and finish! She said she loved it and will get it added to the painting.

Just another example of my babies always being with me. They are always there to lend a hand, inspire me, tell me secrets, whatever, as long as I am open to receiving them. Thanks to my ABCs for being my muses.

And here is a sneak peak at my new painting.

A Good Night with Bad Memories

I went to my local support group meeting tonight. It was a good night. Sometimes I don't think I belong there anymore and shouldn't bother going. I usually do since it's the only real chance I get to get out of the house and physically be with people that get me.

Tonight I remembered placing a tiny teddy bear in my daughter's casket. A teddy bear I adored when I was little. A teddy bear that was nearly 25 years old and tattered. I remembered how she looked. How she looked like my baby girl but not really. She wasn't there.

Tonight I remembered the first 6 months or so when I would sit in an empty house and try to stay busy by myself. When I would move from the bed to the sofa and back, with an occasional trip to the bathroom. When I would sit in the middle of the living room floor and turn up the stereo as loud as I could and cry as I sang out the words of "Fly" by Celine Dion.

Tonight I remembered having to go back to the Drs office to pick up some paperwork and nearly puking before and after leaving the building. Going back to the place where just a couple of weeks before my baby was inside of me and I hoped they could help me with what I was feeling. All I got was a placated answer and a bill.

Tonight I remembered the pain of screaming out I WANT MY BABY! Asking why I didn't die too. Feeling so alone. Aching all over to the point of nausea. Sleeping on a wet pillow every night. Going to fix something to eat and thinking what's the point. Going out in public and feeling like everyone knew what had happened to me like I had a big scarlet letter on my forehead, like everyone was staring at me. Avoiding the baby department, especially the little dresses, for fear of running into a pregnant woman or worse yet, a newborn baby girl. I think this list is endless, or close to it.

Tonight I cried. And I laughed. Even for me, there are bad days. Even for me, I remember the pain. It didn't go away the pain, I just learned where to put it in my heart. It's still there and sometimes I remember it, I cry, and I thank God for all the good that has come from it. Maybe that's why I go to these meetings still, to be reminded of where I was and how far I've come. A true gift from above sent from Heaven on the wings of a butterfly with three little kisses that say, "We're proud of you Mommy!"

I don't belong because I smile

Source: Pinterest

Been having issues with 'fitting in' lately. Seems as though there is a sort of discrimination against BLMs that are in a good place in their life. It seems like if I'm not crying, complaining about something, constantly saying how angry I am, or just plain sad, then my words aren't acceptable. 


Don't we all strive to find that place where we can coincide with our loss and our life together? Don't we want to live what life we have left in as much joy as possible? 

Source: Pinterest

More and more it seems that when I say that I have found peace in my heart for my losses that I am shunned. I am treated as if I must not love my children anymore. Made to feel like I should feel guilty for 'moving on'. Like I'm a bad mother cause I don't cry everyday.

Source: Pinterest

Really I see it as just the opposite. I love my children sooo much that I want to give them the joy of watching over a Mommy that is happy and smiles. How bad do you hurt when your child hurts? Can't you just imagine what your child feels like when they see you cry and worse yet, your tears are for them, and they can not console you? That is sad. 

Source: Pinterest

Evidently in some circles it is not appropriate to post 'happy times' because well everyone is not happy. That makes me sad. I'm not talking about bragging because my daughter started holding her own bottle or because my son is pulling up on everything. I'm talking about enjoying a day away with what is my little family of three on Earth. No, I did not say even once in my post that I was sad that it was only us three and how I cried because my other three children weren't with me. Perhaps, had I added my sadness and grief about my missing children then my post would have been acceptable.

I am way down the road. WAY! I remember the pain all too well because I have experienced it three times over. I understand that not everyone is in the same place and that is perfectly ok because you need to go at your own pace. But how can you actively move through your grief when you are only ever surrounded by pain and sadness. Is it not uplifting to know that someone has found that wonderful place you strive to be and that if they can do it maybe you can too?

Source: Pinterest

I did not just wake up to where I am today. I didn't just arrive here. I journeyed here! A long hard journey that I strive for each and every day. Just because I do not publicly cry for my babies and post my deepest fears doesn't mean that I don't still yearn for them at every second. It doesn't mean I am a bad person. It means that I have learned to love myself just a little bit more then I did and I owe it to them for showing me I am special because I was chosen to be the Mommy of babies in Heaven, the hardest job in the world. I am proud of myself. I am proud of the work I put in and I am proud that I can love my babies through a life filled with peace and joy not constant grief and sadness anymore. 

Source: Pinterest

I can only hope and pray that others will see my journey as one they can achieve as well. A life with more smiles than tears. More love than fear. It takes time and it is hard work and that is why I should not be shunned for being happy cause I've been there and I know how much it hurts. 


**For the record, I am not bashing those grieving, especially those new to this pain. I still grieve too. I am not saying that if you cry all day, and post about being sad and missing your child that you are wrong. It's all a process. What I AM saying is I've been there and now I'm in a different place and THAT'S OK TOO! 

                                                     

Sweet Summer Fun

Nothing like summertime when you can just up and take a day out of the week and make a little trip. We went to Shreveport LA Tuesday for the afternoon. It's only about an hour and half away so a nice little drive without too much trouble and not spending a fortune in gas either!!

We went to lunch when we got into town and hit a restaurant we had not been to in a while, then it was off to Krispy Kreme for some doughnuts to bring home. We didn't think about it until we had the goodies in the car that they would probably all melt before we got them home but we decided melted KK's were better then none at all. They were fine! This little birdie was in the tree outside KK and was giving someone the business.

Found a small old car showroom so we stopped so the boys could drool and take pics.

Barksdale AFB has a museum so we were off to see all the planes and read some local history. We got there and realized they were closing in about 2 minutes. UGH! Oh well, no history lesson but got to see the cool planes outside. My son was in charge of taking pics of the planes (as I sat in the air conditioned car HAHA) and told me he took this when he got back. He seemed really proud of it and sure enough I think it turned out great!!

I LOVE cemeteries! I know, I'm weird like that. Even before I lost my daughter, I always felt at home at the cemetery. It never creeped me out, I never thought of it as a scary place. Probably the opposite seeing as so many people come their out of love. Have you ever thought about that? How much love is in a cemetery? I got several great pics, some of really old tombstones and some of infant markers, and some of just cool things in and around.

This little guy met us when we arrived and was kind enough to show us around. What a cutie, starved for attention and purring up a storm, followed us all over as we petted him and wished we could take him home.

Our trip wasn't complete without a trip to this old church with it's beautiful rose window and other stained glass. So actually I guess our trip was not complete since we got there and the church was closed. Boo, we're planning to go back and attend Mass so we'll stay after for pics then. I know that big window has to be unbelievable from the inside. One day!

Finally just a picture of some old glass in a building downtown. Downtown's are awesome for that sort of thing. We are planning another trip down soon or definitely before school starts to visit what we missed and anything else we can find to check out. Family time ROCKS!

A Visitor in the Clouds

I took a picture this past weekend. Nothing new, I always have my camera or my phone handy. We were walking out to the car and as I rounded the building I saw this wonderful division of light and dark in the sky. My real hope was that there was rain in that big dark cloud. After posting it a couple of days later I noticed a face in the dark clouds. At first I thought it might be a cat face but then the snout looked longer then that of a cat and the next thing that came to mind was a fox. I have been intrigued by this picture all week. I keep going back to it. 

So do you see the face of the fox? The left arrow is pointing to the right eye and the right arrow is under where the cheek would be pointing toward the mouth area. There is a long snout in the middle of the eyes that comes to a nose where the sky brightens up again.


I decided to look up symbolism of the fox and found a few interesting tidbits. The very first sentence blew my mind.

"In China, fox animal symbolism revolved around the afterlife. Lore has it that a fox sighting was thought to be a signal from the spirits of the deceased."

Whoa! Can you believe that?! 


I thought this was interesting too since this was a huge storm front,

"In Japan, the fox was considered one of the rain spirits, and a messenger of Inari the rice god. Here the fox also symbolizes longevity and protection from evil."

I'm always looking and open to signs from my babies or anyone that I love that has passed on and is stopping by to say "Hi". What a wonderful reminder that Heaven is real and that our loved ones are never too far away. 


The rest of the symbolism info can be found here.

A re-post and a link-up

It's Tuesday and that means linking up over at Tesha's Treasures. She offers a blog hop every Tuesday to offer encouragement to other babyloss mommas. Feel free to link up with her and share a kind word.

Today I am going to be linking up with a post I wrote back in the beginning of May. It's a spiritual post on how I perceive my life's journey and destination. Hope you enjoy and can link up with the party.

http://restinhopepsalm16.blogspot.com/2012/05/journey-or-destinationthe-spiritual.html

Sadness and thankfulness

I have felt so much sadness this last week.

Last week one of my very best friends lost their very beloved family dog to an accident. Her daughter was so devastated, crying for hours on end, and saying that her doggie was the only thing that made her happy.

My hubby's aunt passed away over the weekend.

Yesterday a very good friend from school lost his father. This coming on the heals of the first anniversary of his Momma's passing on July 4th last year. He is obviously lost and very numb right now.

Today, a prayer request for a fellow BLM (babyloss Mom) whose hubby and rainbow daughter were involved in a terrible car accident yesterday and both had very bad injuries. While her hubby sustained 9 broken bones, her little baby girl was in serious condition and had a lot of swelling to her brain. Not even two hours ago, she updated that they had to let her little 2 month old baby go. Her title "It's Over".

My heart has been aching over and over for my friends and people I don't even know for the pain they are going though. I want to break down, I want to curl up in a ball, I want to cry out, Why do these people have to suffer like this!? I can't do that.

I have to be thankful. I am thankful for all the memories these people were able to share, even if for a little while with their loved ones. I am going to be thankful for them because I know it may be hard for them to be thankful right now. I need to be thankful because I am blessed. While I know the loss of a beloved pet and I know the loss of my children, I do not know the loss of a parent and I have never lost a child to the kind tragedy and sudden loss this woman knows.

I choose gratitude! Even in sadness I choose to be grateful! I am blessed! and I pray for the pain to ease and for peace to come over these people that they will think of their memories and choose love and be thankful too. Eventually.

And in the true fashion of life itself, a new rainbow came in to the world last night. One family said goodbye to their rainbow and another family said hello. Sigh, we are amazing creatures that we can hold so much sadness and so much gratefulness in our hearts at the very same time.

This Side of Infertility

I have never followed the infertility crowd. I have more then a few friends that have had difficulties conceiving and always felt so bad for them. Not sorry for them, but sad that they could not create a child together out of a love they most certainly shared. That they would not know that feeling of immense joy and anxiety all at the same time when looking at two pink lines on a pregnancy test. Not feeling that baby move inside you, I miss that. And of course, you have to have the good and the bad. Why not throw in a little nausea, heartburn, peeing every five minutes, you know what I'm talking about. I have to mention that too cause there is not one person that I know that is trying to conceive that wouldn't LOVE to have their boobs hurt and their feet swell cause that would mean they are pregnant.

From Merriam-Webster

in·fer·tile adj \(ˈ)in-ˈfər-təl\
Definition of INFERTILE
: not fertile or productive <infertile eggs> ;
especially : incapable of or unsuccessful in achieving pregnancy <infertile couples>

All honesty, conceiving was never an issue for me. Heck, most of the time we had to be careful just looking at each other funny. Seriously! 

One miscarriage; a fluke. 

One preterm birth because of illness; big fluke. 

One perfectly healthy and fine pregnancy; the way it's supposed to be. 

Another miscarriage; not so much a fluke anymore. 

Fact is, my body is perfect for conceiving but not so much for carrying to term. After I had Bailey, I was told that having Eclampsia and HELLP Syndrome in the 2nd trimester was not the norm and put me in a higher risk category. I was told that didn't mean I couldn't have a baby but that it may be difficult to make to 'full-term' and I would need special care. I was told I had a "window" to have babies in and that after that window closed my odds of carrying were considerably less again. No one could tell me how long this window stayed open though.


That Dr was right. I did have a window and it lasted roughly 10yrs. Unfortunately I only took advantage of it once. Enter a wonderfully healthy baby boy! Life happened and I put a curtain over the window. Dealing with Bailey's loss and marriage issues delayed trying again. After Matthew, were continuous layoffs and moves looking for work. When we were settled again, we decided it was time to try again and WHAM miscarriage. My window was closing and no Dr could guarantee that I would be able to carry to term again. That meant deciding if the desire for more children outweighed the medical risk to me and those babies. Was it fair to conceive if only to lose them? Was it fair to Matthew to try again and die because I wanted another baby so badly? 

Infertility

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Infertility primarily refers to the biological inability of a person to contribute to conception. Infertility may also refer to the state of a woman who is unable to carry a pregnancy to full term.  

I can tell you that after all these years, the desire is still there. The thought of getting pregnant still haunts me. Even to the point of jealousy sometimes. I hate to admit that but deep down it's true. I'm not trying to take anything away from the infertility crowd because I know they could say, "Well at least you could get pregnant, at least you have a child of your own." That's true! and I am grateful for it, really really grateful because I have a son I adore! But, that fact is my body betrayed me in a different way. It let hope, it let me feel the joy of getting pregnant, and then it took that from me. That's just the way it is but I still, and probably always will, want another baby.