I have been fighting it, wishing it would go away, praying for the next morning to be bright again full of light and peace. It's not gonna happen on it's own. I KNOW THIS! Not dealing with it only makes it seem to go away until something makes it pop up again and there you are, right back where you started.
I need to figure out exactly what these demons are and then fight them. Maybe I'm just in one of those lulls. The ups and downs of life, and I'm in the downs right now. Where it seems everything is against me and I'm constantly fighting to climb back up. I'm tired. I'm tired of climbing though.
Watching Christmas movies all day on TV does better my mood and my attitude but it's not really fixing the problem. I guess it's more like taking a break on the way on this hill. I'm trying to catch my breath so I can make it all the way to the top. Problem is I can't see the top right now, and I want to really really bad.
In two weeks I will celebrate the life of my last little one. My Christian Erin who will have been gone for 7 years now. I need to be moving up this hill by then so I can give him the honor he deserves. So while I will probably still have Christmas movies on during the day I am committing to focus on the issues.
Today I will start picking a problem and making a list of ways to fix it. I'm sure those ways will be long term goals and some beyond my control. Beyond my control because other people are involved, but maybe physically making a list will help sort through the mumbo-jumbo in my head.
So as I sat down to put this to virtual paper I saw a quote that gave me a bit of a jolt. Those little blessings that send me messages just when I need it most. And perhaps as I list my demons, I shall list my blessings as well. For there is the HOPE in the despair.
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