Journey or Destination...the spiritual road I travel

You know these sayings don't you?






I never gave it much of a thought. Journey ... Destination ... Whatever. I guess it was sometime after losing Bailey that I started hearing all this about a 'new normal' and a 'new journey'. I didn't really get it but i knew my life was different and things would never be the same again.

After having Matthew (5 years after Bailey) and thinking somehow finally having a baby in my aching arms would solve everything DUH, I realized that I am on a new journey. A journey of discovering who I am again. I ceased being the person I thought I was the moment I heard the ambulance driver say I had a grand mal seizure and they took my baby from me. In my heart I was a mother with no one to mother to and so I knew having another baby would not 'replace' Bailey but hopefully relieve the pain. Imagine my surprise when the pain was worse than ever. Having Matthew made me want Bailey all that much more and that grief sprung all over again had me pushing my newborn son away. Luckily my hubby, my mom, and my Dr saw what was happening and got me the help I needed to bond with my baby and continue to grieve Bailey too.

I didn't grow up in the church really but I felt I had a fairly good relationship with God. I never once blamed Him or questioned Him about her death but years and years later I found myself pulling away, not believing He was there for me, and all because of circumstances that had nothing to do with losing Bailey. I felt like I was still on His side after all that and He owed me for what had been taken away. I wasn't asking for much, really trivial things, and I felt betrayed.

When Matthew started school and began church classes I realized the time was right to put my bitterness aside and receive God back into my life again, if He would have me. I wanted my son to be able to come to me if he had questions, I wanted us to be a whole Christian family. We all started going to church again. From the moment I sat down I burst into tears. I felt the Holy Spirit all around me like a warm hug from Jesus Himself. It was like all the bad things I had said were forgotten, all the hurt in my heart was released, and God was saying, "welcome home". I still do not attend a church service without at some point having a tear in my eye. He moves me.

When I asked to join the church and to be baptized I had to write a letter explaining why I was ready. I sat down to write that letter and I pictured a long road ahead of me. This was my new journey with Christ by my side. But I didn't feel as if I was living for this journey, I felt like I was living for the destination ahead of me. Eternal life. Eternal joy with my children was my destination. And so from that day forward I promised to strive to live my life in a way that would make my children in Heaven proud to say "I am their Mommy". To live in a way that pleased God the best I could. I believe my babies are with Jesus and so that is my ultimate goal too, to be with Jesus.

So I roll along this winding road of life, with grief in tow, with a different perspective maybe than others on what this life means. I am merely here to be the best person I can be, to be the encouragement to others that they need, to be a Mommy to my son, a wife, a daughter, a friend, a kind stranger, a testament to God's grace, and whatever else is asked of me until the day comes that I pass and can be reunited with my children in Heaven.

I'm not afraid of death anymore nor am I afraid to live.

My journey will end with the destination of a lifetime.