Five Minute Friday: Path

Linking up for a Five Minute Friday at Gypsy Mama.



Path.

The path I follow is long. It is hard. It is rewarding. It is full of hope and sadness all at the same time. Wishing I didn't have to know this path. Blessed to be on a path that has changed me for the better.

Wanting to take Rest In Hope to the next level. A better path. Helping others like me. Helping them financially. Taking a burden off of them. I don't know which way to go on this path. How to help the best way. Still figuring this path out.

Finding a new path in life and wellness. The path will take me to bigger happiness. More fulfillment. I hope. Prayers that this path will open up soon and dreams can be realized. Dreaming for a new path. Hoping. Loving.

It's just sad

I read an blog post about a friend and her NICU experience. I just read another story where the Mom spent time in the NICU rubbing her baby's hand and talking to him. I have been praying for a couple of months now for a little boy who was born really early and is beating the odds and getting stronger every day. I read all these articles on March of Dimes about preemies.

Then I remember.

Bailey was a preemie too. Bailey was a NICU baby too.  She was born at 25w5d and was in the NICU for two days.

I guess I forget because I was so bad off that I couldn't visit her. I couldn't sit with her and rub her hand or talk to her. I know from pictures that I got to visit with her twice. I have no memory of the first visit. In fact, it wasn't until years later looking at the few pictures I have that I realized the dates on the pictures didn't mesh with my memory. Can you imagine? No distinct memory of the first time you met your baby? It's just sad.

I had my Mom bring Bailey's records to me from storage a couple of weeks ago. There still sitting in the same spot they were left in. Mostly because I've been sick for more then 2 weeks but also because it's daunting to think about going through them.

I want to. I've learned a lot more medically and I feel like there may be answers in there to questions known and unknown. Things that may make more sense now then they did before. Maybe, if I'm a little lucky, some of it will jog some memories. Those two days are all I have of my daughter here and I want to remember as much as I can. Even the bad is better then no memory at all. It's still just really sad.

Right Where I Am: 16 years, 7 months, and 4 days

When you know the pain of losing something so cherished, so perfect. Something no one can imagine losing, you feel like you can't breathe. You feel like you'll fall right over. Every bit of you aches in a pain that no medicine can take away. Then you feel nothing at all for a while. Numb to everything. After a while you feel again but it's not the same. It will never be the same as it was before. When you were PBL (pre-babyloss). And one day you smile, and another you laugh. The tears come less often. You can have hope again. You can have joy again. You find peace to accept what has happened, this unimaginable thing.

This is where I am 16 years, 7 months, and 6 days after the birth of my first-born, a daughter. She lived for two days and so my journey began.

These almost 17 years have taught me so many things about myself, about life in general, about death, about how to love, about how to live. I miss her so much, so much that if I sit with it long enough I will get physically sick. I don't do that.

I smile because she existed. I smile because she was loved from the moment she was conceived (and yes I know when that was). I smile because she is even more loved today. She is loved by a brother that never met her but loves her anyway. I smile because of him. I smile because a butterfly will fly by on my way out the door and I know it's her saying hello. I smile when I hear her name. I smile when I look at her tiny footprints tattooed on my arm. I smile because she brought her daddy and me closer together. I smile because I know she is with me. I smile because I will see her again. I smile because that reunion will be eternally filled with joy.

Truth is, I rarely cry for her anymore. There are times when I am sad, especially her birthday or special times, but mostly I can't cry because I am too busy smiling for her. I smile for her because she can't. She has a beautiful smile.

Right where I am 16 years, 7 months, and 4 days after I last held her.

Which is really 16 years, 7 months, and 4 days closer to seeing her again.

Ooops, linking up with Still Standing Magazine's Journey in June monthly blog hop

National Tattoo Day 2012

Did you know today was National Tattoo Day? I didn't until Still Standing magazine started advertising that they were going to open up a gallery for people with memorial tattoos to share on the website. Of course I had to jump in on that. I was actually the first to post right after midnight this morning. I didn't plan on being first but being up late with this lingering cough was killing me so I figured why not!

So let me tell you about my tat! I was never big on tattoos growing up. When I was little, the only tats I really ever saw were those on military men. They were usually some kind of anchor, they were kinda messy, and they were always GREEN! For a long time I thought you had to get one when you joined the Navy LOL.

Well then I met my future hubby and somehow the subject came up and he said he was really against it. What?! Isn't your Dad in the Navy? Doesn't he have tattoos? Well he was and he does but somehow the tat gene didn't crossover. I've never seen my father-in-law's tattoos and never really asked what they are but I guess hubby didn't like them and so decided he would never get one.

My Mom has a couple. So when I really started thinking about getting something for Bailey, I figured I would talk to her first. We were living close to her so it was perfect. Finally I told the hubby. Hey, I'm gonna get a tattoo. He asked WHY?! I said because I want something of Bailey's that I can look at anytime I want to. That didn't really convince him but he knew it was something I really wanted and he couldn't stop me anyway!! HAHA

Mom made the appointment. I photocopied Bailey's footprints from the little card from the hospital. They were side by side so I cut them out and arranged them slightly off of each other and taped them back to the paper and copied it again. Cool! I took my little piece of paper with me and the artist copied it to transfer paper and placed it on my arm. Let the buzzing begin!

Placement. I thought about this A LOT!! I didn't want it where I couldn't see it. The whole reason for getting it was so that I could enjoy her tiny tootsies anytime I wanted. I sat looking at the few pictures I had and realized that when I held her, her feet would touch the top of my forearm up near my elbow. Oh wow, this would be perfect. So that's exactly where they are. They are perfect there. In the summer they can be seen, I can look at them, I can rub them, I can even kiss them. They are always there for me to see. A small reminder that she is still with me.

Oh and btw, the hubby loves them!!

A Block of my Heart

Woo Hoo!! That's what I say when I when something special. Oh ok, when I win anything at all. It's a cool feeling to be selected, and it's even better when it's something you really want and it's FREE!

About a month ago Small Bird Studio started a pre-launch party for Still Standing Magazine with lots of giveaways from vendors and contributors. I didn't enter all of them cause frankly I already have some of the items and thought I would be nice and let someone have a chance at winning. I wasn't that nice all the time though LOL cause I did enter quite a few.

One of the giveaways I entered was from Katy at Somewhere Over the Rainbow. She started her shop to honor her daughter that was lost to stillbirth. She makes these incredible little blocks and lots of other goodies in her shop. Up for grabs in the giveaway was a Custom Baby Birth Block. I thought this was something unique that wasn't like anything else in my angel baby collection. So I entered!!

Woo Hoo, I got an email a couple weeks later after the magazine had launched that said I won the Birth Block! How cool! I went to the shop and looked at her display piece to decide how I wanted my block to be. I had planned to make the block for Bailey but I didn't have a good picture to use. So then I figured I would use Matthew. Poor Matthew gets left out sometimes when I order things for my ABCs. I took a couple days to think about it, and with the help of a new friend, I decided to ask Katy if we could alter her original design just a bit. She agreed and this is what I asked her for. A big D on top for our last name. Then each side: Alyssa Jane 12.1.90 with pink, Bailey Noel 10.30.95-11.1.95 with purple, Matthew Ryan 11.30.00 with yellow, and Christian Erin 10.1.05 with blue. I also asked if she could put some kind of angel wing on the three I lost to differentiate them from Matthew.

I got this in the mail just the other day

The top and bottom

The four sides

I opened it up quickly and just gazed at each side. It was absolutely perfect!! Better yet, it had ALL my babies on it not just the one living or the ones not. Tears in my eyes, I just sat there and held it in my lap for a good five minutes, cherishing every little thing about it.

I really can't say Thank YOU enough to Fran at SBS and Katy at SOTR (and Jessica for helping decide what to put on it). These little types of mementos are what I cling to on bad days. Having this little block sitting in my cabinet reminds me they did DO exist and that my love for them is everlasting. <3 ABMC <3

By the way, see this guest post on SBS from Katy about a special in her store for Spring. This is a great opportunity to get a tangible piece of art and support the Babyloss community as well. I hope you can get a block too!!

Bittersweet

Yesterday and today were filled with fun and surprises and accomplishments.

We were able to see my son in his 5th grade play yesterday morning.
We attended his crossing over ceremony last night where he officially crossed over to Boy Scouts.
He received all his pins he had earned and a trophy for 1st place in Pinewood Derby.
He also received a very special Arrow of Light award plaque that he earned.

This morning it was off to the school for his 5th grade award ceremony. He received a Reading Achievement Certificate and an A-B Honor Roll Ribbon. Insert very proud Momma here!

We came home to relax and suddenly it hit me that Christian should be graduating Kindergarten. I should have a ton of pics of my littlest one in his cap and gown marching along the stage holding his big boy diploma. I'm not sure what made me think of that but the moment of proud Momma had passed and was replaced by sad Momma.

Sad Momma should be celebrating the accomplishments of my oldest which I guess would be in her 2nd year of college.

Sad Momma should be congratulating my Bailey on completing 10th grade and looking forward to all the fun of a high school Junior.

And of course, my little Kindergarten graduate.

These are the moments when I'm reminded my grief will last a lifetime. These are the moments that haunt me.

A Lifetime of Grief

Not too long ago I was watching a program about psychic mediums. This lady had the medium come to her house because she wanted to 'connect' with her deceased mother. Well in the time her appointment had been scheduled, her ailing father passed. She was unsure if she would 'hear' from him since he had just so recently passed. The medium began with her father, her mother was there to meet him on the other side and he was at peace. He was grateful for all she had done for him and he was whole again and reunited with his long lost wife that had passed some 19 years prior. After hearing what the medium had told her, the lady said she was at peace with her father's passing. She could be happy for him and could live out the rest of her life knowing that he was with her mom. Then she said, she didn't have to grieve for him anymore.

I have been stewing about this for some time. How is it that this woman can stop grieving for her father?

Breaking it down:

PEACE - with acceptance comes peace. When you accept in your heart that what has happened can not be changed then you can move forward with peace. It is a choice that has to be made in your heart. You choose to be hopeful, joyful, and let peace come to you. I wrote a little about my peace here last week. As I said, there will be dark days to navigate but you can still live with peace in your heart.

GRIEF - I thought, when I heard this woman speak of her ability to stop grieving, how wonderful it would be for that to come with the peace I already have. For her, I imagine the two go hand-in-hand and that's what seemed strange to me. They are not one for me and I suspect not for anyone that has ever lost a child. I have peace because I believe Bailey lived her life to the fullest. I would have loved for her life to be more than just two shorts days but sickness intervened and she had to leave my world. I am at peace with that. BUT, the big but, I will always grieve for her.

I will grieve the lost memories that were never made. 

I will grieve the moments not shared. 

I will grieve her as my son grows. 

I will grieve never really knowing what kind of person she would have grown to be. 

I will grieve not knowing the sound of her voice. 

I will grieve her when I am old. 

I will never stop grieving for what would have been for our lives together. 

So I believe this woman can stop grieving because her father lived a full long life. There was nothing else to long for. As I walk this funny road of peace, I still carry a lifetime of grief for what would have been. I think that is completely normal when a life is cut way too short.

I grieve because I love.

A Road of Peace

Years ago, I could hardly imagine the here and now of today.

It seems like yesterday that I was sitting in my walk-in closet on the floor crying for the ache that would not go away. It took months for me to realize what was happening, this grief, was going to be a road I needed to travel. Not a road I ever wanted to take but one that I was placed on. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz and told to follow the yellow-brick road. I didn't know which way to go, which way to turn, where the road would take me. I was scared. Probably more scared though not to walk that road and stay on the path I was on. A path to nowhere that traveled in circles back to a beginning end.

Today, the road is passable. It's a road I will take for the rest of my life. I don't know how long the road is, only He does, but I can see my Emerald City in the distance and the streets are not yellow but GOLD.

The message here is to not give up HOPE that the road you are on can lead you back to a beautiful place. You can come through the woods to glorious pastures beyond. Pastures where there is beauty, where the air is pure, and where you can breathe again.

I'm not saying there will not be detours, that there will not be storms. I am saying that you can manage those obstacles and find yourself on a road of peace.

Believe me, when you choose hope, when you choose joy, when you choose peace, you will never want to go back to the darkness.

You can do it. You have to CHOOSE it. You can do it.

Journey or Destination...the spiritual road I travel

You know these sayings don't you?






I never gave it much of a thought. Journey ... Destination ... Whatever. I guess it was sometime after losing Bailey that I started hearing all this about a 'new normal' and a 'new journey'. I didn't really get it but i knew my life was different and things would never be the same again.

After having Matthew (5 years after Bailey) and thinking somehow finally having a baby in my aching arms would solve everything DUH, I realized that I am on a new journey. A journey of discovering who I am again. I ceased being the person I thought I was the moment I heard the ambulance driver say I had a grand mal seizure and they took my baby from me. In my heart I was a mother with no one to mother to and so I knew having another baby would not 'replace' Bailey but hopefully relieve the pain. Imagine my surprise when the pain was worse than ever. Having Matthew made me want Bailey all that much more and that grief sprung all over again had me pushing my newborn son away. Luckily my hubby, my mom, and my Dr saw what was happening and got me the help I needed to bond with my baby and continue to grieve Bailey too.

I didn't grow up in the church really but I felt I had a fairly good relationship with God. I never once blamed Him or questioned Him about her death but years and years later I found myself pulling away, not believing He was there for me, and all because of circumstances that had nothing to do with losing Bailey. I felt like I was still on His side after all that and He owed me for what had been taken away. I wasn't asking for much, really trivial things, and I felt betrayed.

When Matthew started school and began church classes I realized the time was right to put my bitterness aside and receive God back into my life again, if He would have me. I wanted my son to be able to come to me if he had questions, I wanted us to be a whole Christian family. We all started going to church again. From the moment I sat down I burst into tears. I felt the Holy Spirit all around me like a warm hug from Jesus Himself. It was like all the bad things I had said were forgotten, all the hurt in my heart was released, and God was saying, "welcome home". I still do not attend a church service without at some point having a tear in my eye. He moves me.

When I asked to join the church and to be baptized I had to write a letter explaining why I was ready. I sat down to write that letter and I pictured a long road ahead of me. This was my new journey with Christ by my side. But I didn't feel as if I was living for this journey, I felt like I was living for the destination ahead of me. Eternal life. Eternal joy with my children was my destination. And so from that day forward I promised to strive to live my life in a way that would make my children in Heaven proud to say "I am their Mommy". To live in a way that pleased God the best I could. I believe my babies are with Jesus and so that is my ultimate goal too, to be with Jesus.

So I roll along this winding road of life, with grief in tow, with a different perspective maybe than others on what this life means. I am merely here to be the best person I can be, to be the encouragement to others that they need, to be a Mommy to my son, a wife, a daughter, a friend, a kind stranger, a testament to God's grace, and whatever else is asked of me until the day comes that I pass and can be reunited with my children in Heaven.

I'm not afraid of death anymore nor am I afraid to live.

My journey will end with the destination of a lifetime.

A different kind of Mother's Day

It's just at midnight here and so it is Sunday. A special Sunday at that. It is International Bereaved Mothers Day. That's kinda a mouth full to say 'I have lost a child and so I don't quite fit in on the OTHER Mother's Day.

I think this day is perfect for those of you like me. Let me tell you why.

The first traditional Mother's Day after Bailey passed was kinda hard for me. It had been nearly 7 months since she passed and I was starting to deal with my grief. I knew in my heart that I was a mother but I had nothing to show for it but a scar across my belly. And that I was not going to be sharing with everyone in public. We didn't attend church at the time so we decided that we would go out for breakfast and then have a nice dinner at home later. Hubby and I went to one of the chain breakfast places, you know the International one. We were having our breakfast when suddenly this girl came from the back with a basket in her arms. The basket was full of carnations. She went table to table handing out the flowers to the Moms. She came to my table and nearly passed hubby and I by. Hubby asked if I could get a flower. She said these flowers were for Mothers. He said She is a Mother. Just then the girl looked at me and said "Then where are your kids?" Without skipping a beat I replied, "MY DAUGHTER IS DEAD!" She didn't say anything, laid a flower on the table and went on about her business.

I couldn't decide if I was more hurt or angry. How dare her question me? It was one of those moments when you are so angry you start crying and your heart feels like it's gonna jump out of your throat. I was devastated.  I got up and went out to the car. Hubby made sure to stop by the front counter and have a chat with the manager. I literally could not tell you what happened next. Couldn't tell you what we had for dinner or anything else we did that day. That one incident was IS ingrained in my mind forever. Happy Mother's Day to me.

So now there is a day that is perfect for me to openly remember my babies that aren't with me. To celebrate that I created their lives no matter how short their time was. I am their Mom and I always will be and nobody can take that away from me, especially today.

If you are a Babyloss Mom like me, I hope you take time to celebrate yourself today. Be gentle on yourself today no matter where you are on your journey and simply focus on the fact that YOU ARE A MOM!

Please visit International Bereaved Mothers Day on Facebook. In the photo section is a gallery of flowers like the ones in the picture below that you can use and share with friends and family that celebrate in this special way as well.

It's times like these

It's times like these

when it's late

and the room is quiet

and mostly dark

that I think of you

and my heart hurts

as my mind wonders

to where you would be today

and the tears fall

and my head aches

and the room spins

all with memories not made

Firefly Sunset Butterfly by CarlyMarie

Letting go

Today was a rough day. Probably only some of you will get why. Today is the 16th birthday of my kitty that passed in November. The first birthday since her passing.

People that don't love animals will say It's just a cat, it's not like you lost a child or something!
People that have lost a child will say It's just a cat, it's not like you lost a child or something!!

Well since I've lost both I think I am allowed to compare.

I lost Bailey in November of 1995. I was numb for a long time. And then I was bitter and for a really long time. My hubby was travelling for work and I was just going through the motions. Later that year a friend called and told me some kittens had shown up at her neighbor's house and I should come see them. There were two orange tabby boys frolicking with the dogs and this little tiny calico sitting under the stairs. They pulled her out and my heart sank. They put her on my chest and she started purring and making biscuits on me. That was it. Guess what honey, I'm coming home with a cat!

She was the light in my days. Maybe it was the timing that was right or maybe it was divine intervention but I needed her and there she was. She slept with me, she made me smile again. Taking care of her was a pleasure not a chore. A privilege and finally I felt like I had not felt since Bailey died, I felt like a MOM. I felt like I had a purpose again. I know, it's just a cat right. She was there for me, when I cried she would comfort me. When I needed to laugh she would run up the stairs and back down again with the speed of light, stop, look at me with her back hunched up like one of those Halloween kitties and then take off again. When I didn't want to get out of bed, she would headbutt me in the arm until I got up and then run to her dish and wait. She was my saving grace and I believe sent from above to put me back on track with my grieving. Lord knows I was stuck in a bad place.

She was there through my pregnancy with Matthew. She would sit on my belly and he would kick her until she got ticked off and got down. After he was born, she was patient with his stinky loud self, even when he would throw blueberries at her. And when I lost Christian she was there, right by my side all day and all night. She was so much more then a cat, she was really a best friend in a lot of ways. She was with me nearly every day for 15 1/2 years. In the end we knew her time was short and we had to decide to let her go. I was with her when she left. A beautiful gift she gave me since I wasn't able to be with Bailey when she left. A source of really strong regret.

It was hard to let her go but it was time. Letting them both go, telling them both it was ok was important. And with Bailey, it was the bravest and most unselfish thing I have ever or will ever do. God's peace was with me that day and I believe that had I been with her maybe it would have been harder for her to go. She would have felt my pain and wanted to be there for me no matter how sick she was and that was not fair to her. So I believe God saw to it that I was removed from that situation so that she could go in comfort and peace in the loving arms of her Nana.

Yes, losing a cat is different than losing a daughter. However that cat was a gift from my baby girl in the form of peace and comfort and even acceptance. So I don't grieve the same for my cat because she gave me a full life. I don't wonder about her future and what it would have been like because she gifted me with millions of memories. I cry because I miss her but more importantly because of how thankful I am to her for giving me my life back at a time when I felt I had nothing more to live for.

It takes me back

I finally watched the Duggar episode about Jubilee. Finally! I wanted to watch the night it aired but we had a DVR scheduling thing so had to move it to later. Then it became more of a chore. I really wanted to sit down and watch it, I knew I would cry, but that's ok. But the more I thought about it the more I got anxious about doing it. It's a TV program for goodness sake! Yea right, if only!

So I did it. Last night, I was alone and figured it was the best time to watch and not be interrupted. I watched the little preview that comes on in the beginning and had to pause. Where are those tissues!!?? Oh great, I'm crying already,

They took Josie back to visit some of the nurses and Dr from when she was at the Children's Hospital. They showed little Josie at 22oz in her isolette with all the tubes and a hat big enough for her to curl up in almost. And then it happened. Right back to Bailey in the NICU. I was sick and wasn't with her a whole lot but I have a couple of pics of her and remember how small she was in her little isolette. All of her 15oz. I can't help but go to that place of "why did her baby make it and mine didn't". They were roughly the same size and same gestation. But I believe in a purpose-filled life and so I believe Bailey's life was short but significant and she accomplished what she was created for and granted eternal peace as her reward.

I was truly amazed at the strength Michelle showed. How powerful is her faith that she can be lying on the table still having the ultrasound, just having learned of her baby's passing, and praise God in all His glory.

Then came the memorial and funeral services. It was beautiful. Really beautiful. Then it was time to put Jubilee's little body to rest. Michelle slipped her small wooden casket into the the metal outer box that would protect it while in the ground. Jim Bob took the boxes and laid them into the small open place in the earth and the boys took turns placing dirt on her little grave. That is when I always get an overwhelming feeling. I had this feeling for a long time after we buried Bailey. I think it's normal to have this feeling. It took some time to be able to visit her grave without the overwhelming urge to dig her up and hold her again. I barely got to hold her when she was alive, never after she was gone. Never got to look upon her body and examine each little part of her. So I think that feeling was appropriate and when I saw them lay Jubilee in the ground I couldn't help but wonder if Michelle too had that urge. Probably not, it's just me.

Though I am in the best place on my grief journey I have ever been, there are things that take me back there. It's ok to go back, to remember the pain, because without pain, there was never love. And there was so much love!

A Houston kinda weekend [part 2]

I slept maybe a couple hours at most Friday night. I would doze on and off and when I did fall asleep it wasn't for very long. I'm pretty sure I looked at the clock every hour I laid in that bed. I'm not sure if it was nervousness or excitement or both. Or worrying about my hair, makeup, and outfit coming together just right. I'm not very photogenic so why in the world did I decide to do a photo shoot? Whether it be a good face or bad face, at least I was putting a face to pregnancy and infant loss and THAT is what I was going for. Still Standing is going to be amazing. It will be a fantastic resource for women dealing with loss and infertility. I can feel in my heart how special it will be and maybe that is why I felt I needed to be involved in any little way I could. If for nothing more then to put a face to miscarriage, neonatal death, and the lost hope of future babies.

Photo from Still Standing on Facebook

Hair, makeup, and outfit turned out ok and we headed out in the morning sun to find this secluded warehouse we were meeting at. Let me tell you, having a GPS is essential in a bigger city, it was invaluable to us this weekend. So much so it was decided she needed a name...Gigi the GPS. We found the location.

I can't tell you how beautiful the morning was. It was perfection. The clear blue sky, a little warm with a slight breeze. Really, it was perfect. There was no time to waste and we were busy getting pics of all the special women that came and all the special items they brought with them to represent who they had lost. I took my Molly Bear, I wore my special Beth Quinn Designs necklace, and of course I always sport my tat.

There were beautiful wild flowers all around the rustic warehouse and wouldn't you know, we had lots of small butterflies to keep us company. Our little angels had come to be part of the day with us. There was even a random small Starbucks sign sitting behind a big barrel. I can't imagine how it got there but it was kinda cool. I wanted to take a few pics during the photo session but seriously we were busy from the time we started to the time we finished. Fran had a vision and I know it will be beautiful.

After the pics were done, a few of us went for lunch. Practically on cue, I got sick at lunch and had to dart out before I was able to get a few more pics with these fab women. I am so sad that I drove 5 hours and didn't get one pic with Fran or Amy especially since I will probably never make it back down again.

We went back to the hotel so I could rest. We had already purchased tickets to an Astros baseball game to take my son to and I really didn't want to miss it. Thankfully, after some meds and sleep I was able to see most of the game and had a wonderful time.

Easter morning we went to a church that Fran had suggested and enjoyed a fabulous morning service. It was perfect, just the right size and not too loud as to get my vertigo all worked up again. After church was lunch at a favorite hamburger place and then on the road back home. Oh, there was one more regret, NO BLUEBONNETS!! We went out of our way coming back to find some of these gorgeous flowers and still ran empty.

The weekend was a great time of family and fellowship, and of hope and encouragement too. I'm so glad I fought the urge to not go. I'm glad I battled the voices that told me I wasn't good enough and that I would get sick and ruin it for everyone. I did get sick but all was not ruined and I made it through. I am proud of ME.

A Houston kinda weekend [part 1]

It was AMAZING! Everything I had hoped for and a little for what I had prayed not to happen too but all-in-all AMAZING!

We drove down Friday morning, the sun was shining, it was a pretty day for a drive. No clouds up here. Some pretty fluffy bright white clouds about half-way. Some wispy, feathery clouds down closer.

When we got in to the hotel, the boys went to visit the USS Texas battleship and I stayed behind to get in a quick nap. I knew Saturday was going to be a busy day and I didn't want to overdue Friday and mess up Saturday.

They said it was really cool and great for history buffs. Hubby came back with more than 80 pics on my camera so yea I think he had fun!

We went in search of dinner and wound up at a favorite seafood chain restaurant where we met this little guy.

Sad to say he's probably not there in that tank anymore. :( 

So let me tell you what happened at dinner. The waitress comes to greet us and is a bit flustered, can't find her pen, rips a receipt by accident, just all around tired. I told her to take a deep breath and relax and asked her if she'd had a rough day. She responded with "Rough week and we buried my nephew today!" WHAT?! Well ok, permission granted for the flustered-ness. I simply said I was sorry and we got on to the dinner. As we were leaving she was wiping down the table next to ours. I couldn't help the overwhelming need to give this girl a hug. Hubby knew it was coming. He knows now that when there's a child's death involved that I'm probably gonna have to say something. He's right! I told her again how sorry I was for her family's loss. She proceeded to tell me that she had also lost a son who was almost 2yrs old. She saw my Bailey's footprints and told me she has her son's footprints on her back. She told us that her sister had been in a car accident and was 6mos along and lost the baby. Then she said it!! She said "I wish my sister had skipped the whole funeral thing and saved the family the grief." W.O.W. I believe my mouth opened just a bit. All at once my mind was racing. Do I say what I am encouraged to say or just drop it? I didn't even look at hubby but I'm sure he rolled his eyes and I'm pretty sure he could see the smoke coming out of my ears as I tried to decide in a millisecond what to say to her. Like a funeral or no funeral will be saving the family grief. We all know that closure is best when it comes to handling grief so why would she say that? There wasn't time nor was the middle of a crowded restaurant the place to have the conversation that was beginning in my head so I had to decide what to do, and fast. You know I had to say something. To say nothing at all would be coward-ing to the taboo that I am trying to so hard to abolish. So here goes. I looked at her straight in the face and said the funeral isn't about you. I said I'm not trying to be rude and disrespectful but this is a memory that she is making with her child. Possibly the very last memory of her baby and it is really about her and what she needs to continue on without him. She now has a place to go and feel close to him and a place that is sacred to her. She looked a bit taken back with my comment but then she agreed with me and said that it was true, it was for her and not for the rest of the family. I asked her if I could give her a hug and we embraced both with a tear in our eye for all our babies. 

An Easter Hope

"Rest In Hope" the name took months to decide on. I knew I wanted to name my ministry something meaningful. Something that inspires and encourages others. I asked God to guide me in finding a name that could do that. Finally one night I opened my bible and (side note, I love my bible, hubby bought it for me a few years ago and as much as I refuse to admit it, I'm glad it's large print. HAHA I'm getting old) and started ready Psalm 16. My bible is a NASB so it goes like this:

1 Preserve me, O God, for I take refuge in You. 

2 I said to the LORD, “You are my Lord; 

I have no good besides You.” 

3 As for the saints who are in the earth, 

They are the majestic ones in whom is all my delight. 

4 The sorrows of those who have bartered for another god will be multiplied; 

I shall not pour out their drink offerings of blood, 

Nor will I take their names upon my lips.

 5 The LORD is the portion of my inheritance and my cup; 

You support my lot. 

6 The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; 

Indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.

 7 I will bless the LORD who has counseled me; 

Indeed, my mind instructs me in the night. 

8 I have set the LORD continually before me; 

Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. 

9 Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoices; 

My flesh also will dwell securely. 

10 For You will not abandon my soul to Sheol; 

Nor will You allow Your Holy One to undergo decay. 

11 You will make known to me the path of life; 

In Your presence is fullness of joy; 

In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.

I was particularly taken with 8-11 where David talks about the Lord being with him and him having no fear and that the Lord will life him up and he will live in glory for eternity. That was what I was looking for, the promise of hope that the Lord gives us here. Something to look forward to even in the toughest of times, a promise of resurrection. 

I like to read the KJV as well because I like the language so I went and looked it up and there it was in line 9 of the Psalm 

Picture from Small Bird Studios

Rest In Hope! but not just hope, a promise that I will see my babies again and we will be reunited and we will be whole and perfect and live in eternal glory. So it does not matter what I have to bear while here on Earth because I know my eternal gift is worth all the suffering and pain that I endure. And my pain and suffering will NEVER compare to His which has saved me. 

So every day when I look at Rest In Hope and I read those words, they are more then words to me, they are my Easter promise of the Resurrection that I have faith in. The faith I have in seeing my children and what glory awaits us. My Easter hope every day of the year.

A Duggar Surprise

Last December news broke that Michelle Duggar, matriarch of the 19 Kids and Counting show on TLC, had lost her baby to miscarriage. She was carrying her 20th child by the shows count. She had previously miscarried a baby they named Caleb many years ago however, just as society would have it, he was never included in the kid count.

On Dec 8, 2011 the family announced that while attending an ultrasound appointment and hoping to learn the gender of their new baby they were shocked to find out their baby no longer had a heartbeat. I know there are MANY of you that can relate to this experience. I can only imagine that hearing those words will echo in your head for the rest of your life. You come to this appt with such anticipation never expecting to hear that your precious child has passed away while still inside your tummy. Heart-wrenching!!! It was determined through medical and family records that the baby passed on December 2nd. Michelle and Jim Bob went home to tell the family that their sibling was gone and to let her body miscarry the baby naturally.

On December 11, 2011 at 11:46pm Jubilee Shalom Duggar was stillborn weighing 4oz and 6cm in length.

I decided to send the family a tiny hat made of red and green in memory of their sweet Jubilee. I picked out a card and sent the hat to them in mid-December. Well, this past Tuesday I received a postcard in the mail from the Duggar family. WHAT?! I couldn't believe it. I very nice hand-written card to thank me for the gift I sent to them. Ok, well

1: glad they got it in the first place (I can only imagine the amount of mail they received) and 

2: floored that they took the time to go through each card/package and write a personal note of thanks (again I can only imagine the amount of mail they received)

The back of the postcard reads,

"Stephanie, Thank you for the little hat you sent! It was sweet of you to think of us! May the Lord bless you! With gratefulness, The Duggars"

Strange coincidence also because Tuesday was the airing of their show that focused on their loss of Jubilee from finding out she was gone to planning and having her memorial service and funeral. We had been talking about it all day on the FB page and then to get this card in the mail the same day was a pleasant surprise. I only wish there was not a reason for that little hat, or that final show, or even that card at all. I wish little Jubilee was still in her Mommy's tummy about to be born anytime now as she was due in April. 

Praying that Michelle and the rest of the Duggar family has a peaceful and gentle next few weeks as they approach Jubilee's due date. 

Fear!

Fear has it's place. It can keep you safe in a dangerous situation. But fear can paralyze you as well, keeping you from your dreams, aspirations, and life!

After I had Bailey I was so afraid to get pregnant again because I was afraid of the unknown. The Drs said it was rare to have Eclampsia and HELLP as early as I had it and it would likely happen again. There were steps that could be taken, meds to try, but there were no guarantees and THAT was what I was looking for. I wanted a guarantee for sure that my next pregnancy would go to term without issue and I would deliver and bring home a healthy baby.

"The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek." ~ Joseph Campbell

I did just that. A pretty much perfect pregnancy that gave me what would be my only living child. However the fear I had kept me from realizing that sooner. And time would close my little window to have more children. If only I had not been so afraid to try again sooner perhaps I would have had more living children.

I struggle with fear everyday. Not the kind of fear I had with Bailey but a fear I'm sad to say of not being good enough. Yes, I know the only person I need to please is God. That I should only be worried about judgement from Him. Yet, I am human and I do struggle with how I am perceived and how I will be judged by others. I rarely put myself 'out there' for fear of failure. I am working on this. How can anyone love my work if they never see it? How will I ever know if I'm good enough if I don't show you what I can do? See I know all this stuff and yet sometimes it is easier to cave to the fear!

(photo from Choose Happiness) 

So I have a trip coming up and I am scared. I mentioned that I was nervous, but that's only part true. I am scared to come out from behind the computer and meet people who may have thought of me in a certain way only to find out who I really am. I am scared I will get sick while I'm there and ruin any opportunity to do the things I really want to do. THIS is what keeps leaking in my mind and wanting me to cancel my plans and just stay home.

I AM NOT LISTENING TO YOU! 

I AM going to Houston. 

I WILL have a fantastic time. 

I WILL meet some amazing ladies. 

I AM a fluffy girl but I WILL rock it all the way. 

I WILL have fun!

I will NOT get sick!

I will NOT be self-conscious about by body image!

I will NOT let any insecurities I have hinder sharing myself with others!

This IS my promise!

(photo from Choose Happiness)

The planning has begun

I'm such a planner. I was probably way more spontaneous in my youth. Of course deep down I know I am really not in control and rarely does anything planned go off without a hitch, so I plan and go with the flow.

I'm going to Houston! Have you heard of this wonderful new online magazine that is going to launch in May? Still Standing? It is going to be incredible with articles, blog posts, real life stories, etc. It's all about encouraging you. You know like facing your trials and your're 'still standing'. We all know there are dips in the road but it will be nice to have a place to read something inspiring and uplifting when you are having a bad day. We all have them!

The creator of Still Standing is the one and only Fran from Small Bird Studio. You know her right? You should. She is most awesome!

So I'm going to Houston for a photo shoot for the magazine. A chance to put a face to some of the 'friends' you have made in the FB BLM community. I have to say I'm a bit nervous. I'm not very photogenic but I feel the importance of putting a face to loss is more important than my vanity. So the planning begins for a place to stay, places to visit, oh and it's Easter weekend - a church to visit! And we can't forget the all important WHAT TO WEAR! Grrr.

I can't wait to come back and share some of Houston with you and let you know all about the photo shoot too. Two more weeks! YAY!

For more info about the online magazine, you can visit their FB page here.

A Joy to Hold On To

When you have a baby (a healthy baby) and all is right with the world, you drink in your baby. 

His eyes, his nose, ten fingers, and ten toes. He grows and grows and all is right with the world.

When you have a baby (a sick baby, a still baby) and all is not right with the world. 

No time to drink her in, all her parts still perfect and such, but she's rushed away or taken without a touch. 

She does not grow and grow and all is not right with the world.

Sixteen years, four months, and eighteen days was the last time I held Bailey. It was the first and last time I held her. I was sick, she was sick, and so we were not able to hold her until her last day. Without her tubes, all bundled up in a hospital blanket, I remarked at how she felt like nothingness in my arms. She was born weighing 440 grams which equates to a little over 15 ounces. Not even a whole pound. A little more then the weight of a full soda can. And yes, every time I pick up a can of soda I think about that. EVERY TIME.

"Time heals all wounds" is misleading. Time diminishes the pain a little, time eases the numbness, time can put a scar on the wound but it will never be fully healed. Time also makes you forget details even those as important as the weight of your baby. How that baby felt in your arms. All you remember really is the aching your arms felt when she left them for the last time.

Enter...Molly Bears. An organization dedicated to serving moms with empty arms a weighted bear to hold on to. I signed up on their waiting list a few months ago. The waiting list only opens once a month because of the volume of requests they receive. They had a special deal going where if you donate you get in a drawing to have your bear made and sent to you no matter where you are on the list. I won!

Over the weekend a box arrived with a nice Molly Bears sticker on the side.

I looked at the box for a little while. I was apprehensive about opening it. Here she was. The apprehension was short lived and I tore into that box. Wow. She was beautiful. Pink with a tutu and a big ABC across her front. Yes even though this was my Bailey Bear they were able to incorporate all my babies on her for me to remember. I was told this ABC was purchased 9mos ago and had been waiting for the right bear. I picked her up and she seemed heavy at first but then I laid her in my arms and her heaviness went away. 

Perfection. All 440 grams of her was pure perfection. And so my arms will no longer ache for that memory I had 16 years, 4 months, and 18 days ago. Thank you Molly Bears!

If you would like to make a donation to Molly Bears click here or if you would like to sign up for a bear of your own please click here.