New Year New Blog

I started this blog a few years ago when I started my FB page to help express my grief and share experiences with others. This last year I wrote a total two whole posts! WOW! It's not that I haven't wanted to write but it just doesn't feel right. My grief has evolved. I'm not sure lessened is the right word cause truly I'm not sure it lessens or if the joy that is found is able to over-power it. I don't believe there is any way to completely be grief free because there will always be times on the calendar that are harder than others. Heck, there are just moments sometimes that catch you off guard and there you are again standing in the middle of Walmart's baby section with a tear on your cheek.

My grief is not all-consuming. That is a good thing, it means my heart is healing and the things that used to rip into me don't anymore, or at least with the depth they used to. I have joy, and hope, and faith, in my heart again. I choose to celebrate my life as a survivor, a survivor of the worst pain imaginable. In that, I celebrate my babies too! When I do, it's like I have given them life all over again. They get to experience the joys I experience and not watch me in pain. I know they do not want that for me.

So I find myself wanting to update the blog. I want it to be more of a celebration of survival than a gloomy place of despair and wallowing. It will still be centered around the loss of my babies but not all about them and my grief. Not that I necessarily believe any of you will be jumping to hang on my every word but I hope that you will be able to relate with a life that has known pain and darkness but has chosen to seek light.

I will be changing the look of the blog and maybe the title. HA once I figure out how to use Blogger again. And I hope you will join me. My FB page will always remain a place of hope to the babyloss community. Sure I could have just started a new blog but I figured this transition is about me and my grief and so just like I can't just start a new life without my grief, I can not start a new blog either. My grief is always present just not so in my face.

Look for changes coming soon. Look for posts about all kinds of different things. I hope you will see there is joy and peace to be had in this life without losing that part of you that connects with your baby. You are a survivor too!

October Again

October again. I thought I would be in bed by now and I'd wake up to October 1st but here it is after midnight and I'm still up. Welcome to everything PINK! October being famous for Breast Cancer Awareness month everything turns pink on the 1st. Don't get me wrong, I am an avid supporter of breast cancer research and awareness and even as big as it has become, women are still getting it. Young women are getting it more and more, and gladly many are surviving it. The pink is necessary.

October is not just for pink though, it's for pink and blue too. In 1988, President Ronald Reagan designated the month of October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. It's hard to fight everything pink but bringing awareness to the grief of losing a child is just as important, and more so to those that live with that grief. It kind of gives those that have a hard time talking about their loss a pass to bring it up. 

Often, those of us that have lost a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal death are only "allowed" to grieve by family and friends for a short while. Sometimes they come right out and say, "Get over already!" or maybe, "I sure do miss the old you.". Most of the time, they just act uncomfortable and change the subject when we speak about our babies. Having an entire 31 days that a president has proclaimed as a time of remembrance gives us the opportunity to share our little ones with the world and bring awareness to the highly taboo subject of babyloss. In case you didn't know, all 50 states have yearly proclamations making October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day too. 

October 1st also marks what I lovingly refer to as Christian's Day. For those of you that don't know, my last pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage. October 1st was the last day I knew for sure I was pregnant before I started to miscarry. An agonizing 5, almost 6, weeks of birthing my newly formed baby. I always felt as though that baby was a boy. We decided the next year around the time he would have been due to name him. He was our baby and he deserved a name and so we called him Christian Erin. Erin is the more feminine version of that name but we thought the name could pass for either gender and since we were unsure except for a feeling, we decided to go that direction. Had I carried him to term, he would have been born around June of 2006 and would be eight years old now. It's hard to imagine what having an 8yr old and a 13yr old would be like much less add in our two other losses for a soon to be 19yr old and 24yr old. Wow, that makes me feel a little old. 

When I wake up this morning, I'll welcome in October and all it brings to my heart. Lots of grief, lots of tears, some happiness, and lots of sharing my losses and helping others share theirs as well. October is busy from beginning to end and believe me when the end rolls around, I'm ready to let it go for another year. But for this year, it's here and I'll manage what it brings the best I know how. Every year is different. This year marking my daughter's 19th birthday on the 30th, not necessarily being a milestone birthday, but the thought of last holding her NINETEEN years ago does something huge to my heart. Next year will be horrible I can already tell you but this year, well we'll see how my heart handles this year as it unfolds. Either way, good or bad, the grief of her loss will never fully go away, nor should it. Neither will that of Christian's or Alyssa's because attached to that grief is the undying love of a mother with dreams for a future for all of them. 

Starting tomorrow I will wear my Origami Owl necklace with the new Pregnancy and Infant Loss ribbon charm in it. I will publicly announce that PAIL is near and dear to my heart and to so many of my friends' hearts too. I will wear it proudly for all the babies!

I dedicate this October to my babies - Alyssa, Bailey, and Christian. My ABCs. Their souls are with me and I am forever grateful that one day I will hold them all. Until then, it is my honor as their mom to be the voice for them. To speak of love and loss in the same breath; to help others find the peace in their hearts to do the same; to let it be known they lived, for as little of a time as it was, they lived! The depth of my grief has nothing on the breadth of my love for them. Therefore, I will always speak of them. I will not care that someone is uncomfortable with that conversation. I will not apologize for how my grief makes you feel. I have a right to speak my babies' names aloud and proudly because I am their mother and that will never change.

Leaving for good ALONE

I posted on the FB page a bit ago about an article I saw posted on a friend's page, that showed up in my newsfeed. I can NOT shake it! and I am torn!

The article was The hidden, human cost of 'distressed' babies: NICU parents suffer PTSD symptoms
and while not reading the article, I was upset by the comments left on my friend's post. She was talking of how awful it was when her twins were born prematurely and had to stay in the NICU weeks after she was released. Many of her friends offered support as they too experienced extended NICU stays. I however while reading them could not think anything more than "Stop your friggin whining, so your kid had to stay in the NICU for a few weeks, YOUR KID CAME HOME!" 

Part of me feels crappy like I'm negating her feelings. I know this woman, I know how being away from her babies was hard on her, I know this in my heart. But still another part of me wanted to so bad to write on her post "At least your baby came home!" But then that is so much negating her feelings and making it all about me. I still wanted to though! I wanted to say that I could relate to how they were all feeling. How scary a time it is in the NICU. How there is so much uncertainty. How the nurses are like family. How like you have a need to know everything little thing happening to your child and yet it is still not enough. How you feel helpless. How you leave cause you have to, and every time you do it a piece of you breaks off at that doorway. I get it! 

Remember in the darkest hours of the night, when your mind went to those places. The places you never want them to go but they did anyhow, and you couldn't stop it. The what if places. How absolutely terrifying it was to have those thoughts and then you would close your eyes tight as you could and shake your head and say out loud, NO! Everything's gonna be ok, she'll be ok, he'll come home soon and we can be a real family then. That scary place where just maybe your baby wasn't ok, and he didn't come home. That imaginary place was my reality. Mine and many many others who would never ever leave that cold, dim-lit room and go to our happy place. 

I will say that I don't think there is a good reason to have your baby in the NICU but obviously some stories are more serious than the others. Obviously if your baby is there then there's a need for it. The woman in the article had a long road of uncertainty with her child born at 24wks. Maybe I feel a little less crappy about her journey. Having my daughter born at 26wks, I completely understand the struggles she faced. They were much much different than that of the mother who's baby had less serious road. But see I still feel that is crappy of me to say cause I am negating the severity of their needs. You see what I mean though right? Someone's baby that was born 3wks early may not have the struggle, they may not necessarily have anything wrong with them but size and weight, all of which a short stent in the NICU can help with. That is not something that can compare with someone's baby that has no viable lung support. There are definitely specific circumstances to each story and I may be trying to generalize all babies that come home and those who don't. I think that is wrong but my heart still yearns for the Momma who deep down in her soul knows she will never leave the hospital with her baby and no amount of  "I had to leave them there for 5wks while they gained weight" can compare to that kind of pain. 

So now researchers say that these parents, the ones with the happy endings, have PTSD. Really! Yes it was hard! It was terrible! So why do the parents that lost everything get hushed? Why are they forgotten? You think we don't have PTSD, OH and maybe still do, and will, FOREVER! Because guess what, losing your child, a piece of your being, is extremely stressful. And what's even more stressful is trying to figure out what your life is meant to be afterwards, way more stressful! A life long battle of what ifs, what should have beens, and what could have beens. You think you're over protective with your grown up NICU child, try having a baby after a loss and see what over protective is.

The woman in the article says this,

“The emotional impact of leaving the hospital without a baby in your arms and seeing the other happy moms leaving with their balloons and flowers…it’s just a very different reality for parents of preemies,”  

 In this woman's story, there was probably several times when she wondered if she would ever have that chance. I left the hospital with a balloon and flowers. I left with a "cough pillow" and a plastic baggy of pamphlets on grieving on my lap . I left with everyone I passed seeing my tear stained face as I was rolled through the lobby with said balloon and no baby in tow. I left knowing she was not coming with me. She would be with a stranger, in a box, in the back of a cold car, and I wouldn't see her again for several days, and then, forever more.



PS If it sounds like I'm all over the place, I am. I am having one of those mind vs heart struggles cause frankly sometimes I want to strangle people who show no empathy because they can't see past their own pain. There lies the struggle because I try to see other people's point of view and validate it. I hope to not sound like a complete bitch, but I know the pain they speak of could have been so much worse and frankly I'm glad they don't know it the way I do. I do wish they would recognize it.

Thanksgiving Perspective

Happy Thanksgiving!

As I was about to start getting ready this morning I came across a post that burst my blessed bubble. It's something I've been holding in for a few weeks now and I just can't hold it in any longer. I'm not saying that you should agree with me or even like what I'm saying but at least take what I'm going to say with a little perspective.

For weeks now I have seen graphics that say "I pledge not to shop on Thanksgiving" and "If you shop on Thanksgiving then you're part of the problem". OH and then there's the "Only in America can you trample people in a store the day after you give thanks for all you have".

I have successfully restrained myself from saying anything publicly, until now.

FYI - there are a ton of people that have to work on Thanksgiving. You may not see them and sometimes luckily so, but they are there, away from their families working on this Thursday. Nurses, police, fire, rescue, airline workers, etc. They give up their Thanksgiving to do their job just like they do everyday. They don't miss out on spending quality time with their families, they just do it at a different time then the rest of us.

I know what you're thinking, those are people that HAVE to be at work, they are not working for greedy big box stores just out to make more money. That's true, but while you're watching that parade or football game today think about all the people behind the scenes. The television people, the concession stand people, and more. They all have to take time away from their families today so you can sit back and enjoy a little tv viewing. Lots of people I know go to the movie theater on Thanksgiving and again those people selling tickets, selling popcorn, cleaning up after the masses are not at home with their families either. Yet, many of these people have volunteered to work because they need the money, or maybe because they have no family to spend with today and being at work is better than sitting at home alone.

So while jumping on the "let's ban the greedy retailers" bandwagon seems like the noble thing to do, remember all the other people that have to work today for your enjoyment, so you can sit home happy and fed with your family and root on your favorite team. Also remember that these stores being open give the opportunity for people that need the money to volunteer to work and get more money in one day of work then they might in a whole week of pay.

Oh and as far as the other graphic, I'm pretty sure the majority of Americans are thankful for their families on this day and not the abundance of crap laying around them. Our economy drives the need for people to volunteer to work today and also the need for people to sit in long lines to be able to get the best deal they can. I know I need to save every bit to get a special present every year. That's not to give my child the biggest most expensive toy out there, it's to see that giant smile on his face on Christmas morning when he gets something he thought he would never get because of the price.

I'm sorry if this seems not well composed or just rash because it is really.  A spur of the moment need to get something off my chest. Like I said, you don't have to agree with me but please say a prayer and be thankful for everyone that works on Thanksgiving so you don't have to and so you can enjoy all the special time with your family you are used to. Happy Thanksgiving!

Painful Reflections

Today is a sad day for so many people. Emotions come rushing back especially for those personally affected by the events of 9.11.01. Every single moment of this day twelve years ago they feel again as the seconds tick off the clock. That's what grief does, it reminds you. Not that they need a reminder, every day without them does that.

There were years and years and years that I relived the days leading up to and after my daughter's birth and death. It started October 27 until November 4. As the years have passed, I don't have that deep craving to relive those moments any more. I remember but not like before when I recreated the timeline in my mind over and over. Many people feel like I "dwell" on the death of my children, that if I don't think about it so much, it would just go away. Obviously those people have never lost someone so ingrained in their soul. For the record, I do not DWELL, I remember!

I think the same could be said of today. I've seen the comments. Why do they replay these tragedies every year? Why do these people go there and read names every year? These same people don't get it. Remember, these people say these things because YOUR grief is uncomfortable to THEM. They are making your loss about them and not about the person or child gone, as it should be. Don't let them take the voice of your loved one out of your mouth!

They are reading off the names as I type this. This is real for them. It is fresh. It is important that they know their loved one is not forgotten. Same for the parents of a baby no one ever got to meet. Bottom line, all these were lives, even the briefest if that's a word. They were all loved and they all deserve to be remembered and respected.

It hurts to feel that pain again, in that way, like it was yesterday. But you know what that pain does for me? It makes me remember. I will watch today and I will remember. I will pray for those who are left behind. I will pray for them because I know they will never be whole again until they are reunited. That doesn't mean they, or I, can't be happy, it just means there's a hole that used to be filled with a special love. No measure of happiness and joy can fill that hole, it is reserved for the one it once belonged to. So I will force myself to feel the pain of loss and remember that love. I would rather endure the pain of grief than to forget altogether.

I challenge those that think my grief is uncomfortable. Those that can't stand to watch yet another time as those airplanes crash. Those that choose to think this is just another day. Look on. Remember. Those names are people, real people, that touched the lives of others. That daughter of mine that very very few got to meet, she was a real person too, and it is in her death that she touches other's lives. I didn't know any of those people personally but I know them now, through the stories their loved ones tell, they live on in death too and they have touched my life. God bless them all that have gone before, you are not forgotten.

Learning to Bend

In the beginning, right after Bailey died, I was so numb. I felt like I was in a fog. I could kinda see what was around me but at the same time everything seemed so out of reach. I was in denial. I didn't want to believe what had just happened really happened however I had tell-tale signs that I had just had a baby and yet there was no baby to take care of. I was broken.

I was broken for many many years. Over time the fog lifted and reality set in and there was no denying what had happened anymore. I was living a nightmare and at some point I would have to acknowledge it. You know that was hard. It was hard accepting that my baby was gone. She wasn't just gone, she was dead. And just as I was accepting it, there seem to be reminders all over the place. The crying baby at the store, the seemingly endless baby stories on tv, cute baby clothes, holidays, food I craved while I was pregnant, bills from the hospital, and all those magazines and books that I had signed up for when I fully expected I would need them at the end of my pregnancy. Just everything. And with every reminder, I was broken again.

Even now, more than seventeen years later, there are moments. I'm not talking about days like her birthday or due date or even Mother's Day. I'm talking about the everyday mundane things that seem to rock my core. Don't laugh! Really, don't laugh. But things like the printer won't print the way I want it to. When my computer browser locks up in the middle of trying to locate something. You know stupid things that people deal with everyday that certainly won't cause the world to end. These are the things that break me. I get stressed and I find myself angry and bitter and asking "Why do things have to be so damn hard all the time?". It seems to me that anyone who has endured the unimaginable pain of losing a child should be given a pass to cruise through the rest of life. Unfortunately that's not the case and deep down I get it, it's life. Life is hard and we make the best of it we can but it's those stupid breaking times that I just wish I could deal with this crap in stride. I mean really, I have buried my daughter, my piece of crap printer should not have that kind of control over me.

So these days, I'm learning that prayer is the peace I need. Prayer is relying on faith that there is something better than this temporary set back around the corner. So when I'm on a deadline and my internet drops out for no apparent reason, I don't cry to ask WHY anymore, I pray that it will come back on soon. Then I realize that maybe God is telling me to stop what I'm doing because we need to talk. Where I was angered because I felt like my pain was an easy out to the problems in everyday life, now I turn to prayer to settle my soul and bring peace back into my heart.

I have buried my daughter and that has changed me forever but I can not use that pain and anguish as my crutch to limp through life begging for the easy way out. I will use prayer to let God further heal my heart with a hole that will never quite be filled. To seek days where I am angered less and filled with peace more. And to teach me how to bend where I once would have broken.

She is always with me

Today is February 7. It's Thursday. It's Bailey's due date.

I may be the only person in the whole wide world who remembers how special this day is, or was supposed to be. It's been 17 years since this was to be the happiest day of my life. And it's still bittersweet for that reason. Today reminds me of the plans I had for her. I remember hoping she would be late even to be born on her Daddy's birthday, although that would have been 10, TEN days overdue. What in the world was I thinking with that one! However now, the thought of keeping her with me for all that extra time and being able to bring her home would have been soooo worth it.

I know she's with me on days like today. Especially on days like today. I miss her a little more than normal and she knows. I don't mind that nobody remembers this day, not even Daddy. It's like our special today for just the two of us. We have a bond that I will never have with my son. She is my first-born, she is my daughter, she is my saint. She guides me through my days and lays with me at night. She is always with me.

Happy 17th due date day to my sweet Bailey Noel. Love you!

Facing the light

It's been a while since I last wrote. I took some time with Bailey's season to take in all the emotions I had been feeling for months. It was nice to draw and paint a bit, get ready for Thanksgiving with family coming, get ready for my son's birthday, and prepare for Alyssa's special day too. I have stepped back from posting a lot on the FB page too. Not because I'm trying to get away from everyone but every now and again you need to step back from all the pain. I try to keep the page upbeat and hopeful but in doing that I have to read and research a lot of other sites and sometimes it weighs heavy.

There's been something else going on and I really wasn't sure it would be something I would talk about here but the feelings were so overwhelming. I know this post is going to be uncomfortable for some to read, mostly family, but this is the place I feel most people will 'get it'.

For nearly 6 months now I've been having some off blood work. I was going back every month and re-checking and with the same or worse results. My primary sent me to an Hematologist to see if he could figure out what was going on. Hubby and I get to the appointment and got a little lost finding the office. It's one of those medical office facilities where lots of different Drs practice together. So I'm looking for Hematology and I walk by the place where you get the blood drawn. They knew I was lost from the blank stare I guess so they asked me who I was looking for. Oh that's right next door! What? Right next door is Oncology. That's a cancer Dr by the way.

It was a bit odd sitting there, looking at the breast cancer info all over, wondering if the others waiting were like me or did they already know they have cancer. The big scary C-word! We talked with the Dr and he decided to send me back over to the lab. He was testing me for Leukemia. It would take two weeks for the results to come in and I would go back to find out for sure.

I left the office feeling a bit like Hmm that's not what I was expecting at all. I wasn't really worried though. First I thought that people with cancer wither away. I'm a healthy girl and I mean that in the fluffy way so there's no way I could have cancer. I felt like it is what it is. I didn't freak out. I know God is in control and whatever is meant to happen will happen. That was the first week.

The second week, waiting for Friday to come. I began to think about Matthew. I began to think about things I would make for him so he would have these things his whole life to look back on. So he would have tangible objects that remind him of me. So that he would know that he was my reason for living with Bailey. So that he would know how much he is and will always be loved, even from Heaven.

*Insert proceed with caution here*
I also thought about going to Heaven. It made me smile. I thought about what it would be like to meet my babies at the gate. I was happy about it. That's right, you heard me, HAPPY about the prospect of having cancer. Happy about the prospect of suffering through a long and painful end to my journey. You see this is what I have always prayed for. I have prayed that I die from a disease. No matter the pain and suffering. I want my family to be able to say goodbye. Albeit I would prefer them not to have to endure a long battle, but long enough to say what needs to be said and be able to make more memories they will be able to share with each other. I've never wanted a sudden death where they can not have closure.

We went back to the Dr. It's not Leukemia he says. Relief? yes. Discouraged? yes, a little bit. The thought of leaving this cruel world with all it's evil and meanness behind and spending eternity with my loved ones already gone, seemed like, well, Heaven!

I still have no answers for my blood work. I am though looking toward the future. I had decided that I would not just up and leave my family. I would fight the cancer, I would try to live, but I would be 'ok to go' if that was the plan. Now I understand that if those results had come back differently, I would have had to rethink all of this and really who knows what I would want. But for now, I can say that when I was facing the light; it was beautiful, it was intriguing, and it felt like home.

The way I wish it was + saying goodbye

I didn't have any fancy notions of her birth or even our lives together. I had researched water births. I didn't really want a home birth but a water birth in the hospital. I thought the idea of the baby leaving the warmth of my womb and entering the world in the warmth of the tub made me feel comfortable for her. The idea of that shock of cold like flinging open the curtain after a hot shower and someone left the door open gave me chills, for real. It seemed like a more peaceful transition into the world and I wanted that for her.

The furthest I had really thought into the future was to the next Halloween. She was due in early February so she would be nearly 9 months old and I thought that was a great age for her first Halloween. I hadn't really thought about costumes but more about dressing her little cute butt up and visiting in our little cul-de-sac before hopping in the car and visiting friends and family to show her off.

I suppose the further along in my pregnancy I would have thought more about the milestones that lie ahead but at 25wks 3dys things began to change. There was to be no water birth but a quick quick surgery to remove the baby that was killing me like she was a cancer of some sort. How sad to think of her that way because was it really her or my body that had failed to carry her properly? Those questions mean much less today mostly because our fate was sealed back then seventeen years ago. Her days were numbered and her number was 2.

I wish I had gone to term.
I wish she would have been born in a bath of warm water.
I wish she had weighed more than just 440grams.
I wish she had come out and been put on my chest.
I wish we could have taken all kinds of birth pictures.
I wish we could have taken her home from the hospital.

It's taken me all these years to realize that we, Bailey and I, made the greatest sacrifices we will ever make. She was taken from me. Of course that was not her choice, but nonetheless she sacrificed her life for mine. That long ago, technology was not as advanced. A baby born at less than 26wks that measured more the size of a 22-weeker had very little chance of surviving. I believe in my heart though that she lived the life she was supposed to live. She was not meant to live longer than she did. She lived her whole life in a matter of hours and I was her Mommy the whole time.

In the end, I had to return the favor of sacrifice. I gave her what SHE needed instead of what my heart yearned for. I gave her the gift of being free, being whole, being forever perfect. It was the hardest and yet the most peaceful decision I will ever make. I gave her life in this world and I gave her life eternal. I don't believe it was any coincidence that she passed into Jesus' arms on All Saints Day.

She is my little Saint in Heaven.

The way it was

Lots of meds made this day 17 years ago pretty blurry in my mind. There are still things this many years later that just aren't clear. I don't think they will ever be and as the years move on, the people that were lucid, well without drugs anyway, don't remember the way I need them to when I have questions.

I remember the transfer to the better hospital. The hospital that had one of the best children's hospitals in the East attached to it. I don't remember getting on the gurney or into the ambulance. I think the terrible city roads must have jarred me awake. I was strapped in on my left side. My hubby and the attendant were talking. He told me to stay on my side and my hubby quickly told him I was trying to. It was a rough ride.

I remember arriving through the ER and my best friend being there when the big doors slid open. She was crying and telling me everything was going to be ok. Fast forward to my room. I was in and out. I remember my BFF playing with the bag of urine attached to the side of my bed. I can't remember why exactly but I do remember telling her to put it down cause she was blowing up my bladder.

I remember trying to get the epidural. Sitting still wasn't really a problem since I was drugged out of my mind but I know he stuck me at least twice before leaving the room to retrieve a smaller needle. I don't remember the OR, I don't remember the birth, I remember waking up in a different room and it was dark. The lights were off but I think it might have been overcast or rainy. I remember one visitor and the nurses bringing me two very blurry Polaroid pictures of my new baby. I suppose at some point I knew my Mom had arrived from Florida because later that night I woke up not being able to breath. I was panicking. I pushed the nurses button. She came and put the oxygen mask on me. I told her I wanted to call my Mom and so she got the me the phone and I carefully dialed my grandmother's phone number and asked my Mommy to come be with me.

Countdown

Truthfully the countdown has been happening for a couple of months now. I have been angry, and sad, and demanding, and rude, and just down right no fun to be around. About two weeks ago I snapped at my hubby, again, and I just went in to the bathroom and cried. I was tired of being so angry. I was tired of my mood turning on a dime. Fine one minute, ready to scratch your eyes out the next. Really embarrassed by the thoughts in my head sometimes. Like when I went to the Dr to get my blood checked and an old man came in after me and they called him right back. First I thought I need to knock this old guy over and say I was here first!! Then I thought I'm gonna make this woman back here explain herself to me, after all it was a walk-in clinic not an appt clinic and I should have been first. Anyhow, I calmed down by the time I got back there, gave my blood, and got out of there as soon as I could.

While crying in the bathroom I prayed that God would release this anger from me. I was driving the people away that I needed the most. More importantly, my hubby was feeding on my anger. When I got mad and snappy he got mad and snappy. I knew I needed to change my mood so he would too and our poor son wouldn't be caught in the middle of something. Within the next day I felt a release. I felt lighter. The anger was subsiding and my prayer had been answered.

Since then we have been more patient with each other. We've been here before, we recognized what was happening. The last couple of weeks have been much better. I have been actually kinda numb leading up to tomorrow. I think that's what is best for me right now. Typically, I would start reliving the nightmare of losing my daughter about the 27th.

October 27th is when I forced myself in the Drs office to try to get answers about my weight gain. They couldn't tell me, they just blew me off with pamphlets about sodium.

October 28th I was sick all day, later that night I had a small stroke and didn't realize what was happening. Luckily it was not severe and I basically slept it off.

October 29th I had been up all night sick, called the ER, they said if I felt the baby move then it was up to me if I came in or not. I got off the phone, laid back and waited, and she moved and moved allover. Later in the morning I called the Dr and told him what was happening. He said sounded like I had the stomach flu and for me to call the office first thing Monday morning to come in. I would see him later that night in the ER after having a seizure on my sofa. He would tell me that basically my baby was making me sick and she needed to come out. I could barely talk but I remember saying it's not time. He said it didn't matter, she had to come out. I spent the next, what I think was, few hours in a dark cold room waiting to be transported to another hospital where my daughter could be taken and receive the best care possible.

CYG2012 Days 23-26

Day 23: Their Name/Their photo
I struggled with this one because I'm not too keen on sharing her on the internet but I felt as part of this process I wanted to share her with you.

Day 24: Siblings
I was thinking about how I would capture this picture. I thought about having my son hold the names of my three babies but then I remembered this picture. He has known about her his whole life. I believe she was in the womb with him telling him all about us and giving him hiccups too. It was always his "job" to pick out flowers for her. This is the closest I will ever come to having my children in one picture together but I love it just the same.

Day 25: Baby Shower/Blessing
I was never able to have a shower. My miscarriages were very early and I had Bailey at nearly 26wks. We hardly had anything for her. My Dad bought us the crib and changing table. Her room was not even close to being set up. We thought we had a lot more time. In fact we should have had at least 12 more weeks with her. Sometimes I think not having a shower was a blessing. The thought of having all that stuff that so many people bought us loving on our daughter and having to come home from the hospital to have it all be for nothing. A blessing and a curse I guess. I opted for no picture for today cause I couldn't think of a way to express how I feel about it.

Day 26: Their age
I saw someone earlier use one of Carly's pictures to write their ages on and I thought that would be perfect for me too. Missing my babies for 22, 17, and 7 years. Bailey's birthday is in 4 days and I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around it being 17 years since the last time I held her.

CYG2012 Day 22

Day 22: Place of Care/Birth
This is Children's Hospital of the King's Daughters (CHKD) in Norfolk, Virginia. This is where my daughter was born and lived for two days. I believe there was no better place for her to receive treatment and the best chance at life. Although this is where ultimately she left us, I still feel a close bond to this hospital as it was the last place I held my daughter, now nearly 17 years ago.

For more information about this hospital, go to chkd.org.

CYG2012 Days 20 & 21

Day 20: Charity/Organization
There have been so many organizations that touched my heart since losing my children. The very first was Empty Arms that helped me see it was ok to take care of myself after losing Bailey. Some that are close to my heart are March of Dimes, Compassionate Friends, MEND, and nearly countless other support groups I found through FB. However, the one that is closest to my heart is the support page I started in honor and memory of my babies, Rest In Hope. Since I opened the page my goal has been to offer encouragement through hope to those that have lost a baby but ultimately to provide for funeral expenses and grave markers. So far we have been able to contribute support throughout the community but have not been able to raise enough funding to provide a marker. That is our future!
Please feel free to visit us anytime http://www.facebook.com/RestInHope

Day 21: Sacred Space
I don't really have one place in my home that I can call a sacred space where all of my baby things are located. They are kinda scattered all around so I see them any where I go. I would like to, one day, have an office space where I can display all of the beautiful pictures and paintings I have received over the years. This picture is from my bookcase.

CYG2012 Days 16-19

Day 16: Release
Two beautiful friends held a lantern release last month and this was my lantern sent to Heaven for my babies and those in our local support group.

Day 17: Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates

We have done many different things in the past for birthdays but just remembering her on her special days is important to me. Even if we don't throw a big party or balloon release, I believe she knows that we are thinking of her and love her so much. These are the special days of my Bailey-girl.

Day 18: Family portrait

We don't have a traditional family portrait since three of our babies are missing. My beautiful friend Missi painted a family portrait for me. I cherish it!!

Day 19: Project 
I have a few projects that I work on over the year. One is making little tiny hats to donate to my local hospital, I make them under the name of Bailey's Bonnets. Recently I started a campaign to raise awareness for babyloss and break the silence. It's called Be the VOICE! I encourage parents to "be the voice" of their child. To speak for them and make their names heard. 

A Day of Remembrance ~ October 15 + CYG2012 Day 15

Half-way through the month of October, a month proclaimed in 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, this is our Day of Remembrance. This is the day we publicly proclaim the lives of our babies. The babies we carried in our womb. Some we never met, some that were born but never cried, some that cried but only briefly before they left us all too soon.

This day brings mixed emotions for me. It is half-way between two of my losses. My Christian whom I celebrate on October 1st and may daughter Bailey who was born at 25wks 5days on October 30th. This year has been particularly hard and I'm not exactly sure why. I think it may have to do with this being Bailey's 17th birthday. Seventeen years! It's hard for me to wrap my mind around it being that long. Sometimes it feels like yesterday.

But today, today I want to be a proud Momma. I want to tell everyone that will listen that I have more than one child. That's right, the child you see me at the store with is my only living son. I have three other children as well and they are just as much loved as the son that stands right beside me. You can't see them but they are near. They are in my heart. I named them. It doesn't matter to me that two of them were only alive for weeks or that one of them lived for two days outside of me. It doesn't matter because they were all wanted, all loved, and I had dreams for each one of them.

So today, I am the voice of my children gone too soon. I encourage you to share your child today as well. Perhaps you came across this post and you have never lost a child, well then consider yourself lucky because 1 in every 4 women will experience a loss of this type. 1 in 4 will have their life changed forever. So chances are you know someone that has lost a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. You may say that you don't know anyone but I would bet you if you shared the graphic below on your personal Facebook page that your friends would let you know that they have had a loss. Women have lived these losses in quiet and alone for years and only until you have a loss or you show support for those that have will you know the extent of how affected you are in your little circle of the world. Please help us break the silence and support those that have lost a baby today!

You are welcome to use or share the profile graphic or timeline cover below to raise awareness and remember our babies today. The graphics for you to use or share can be found here.

As for me, today I remember my babies:

Alyssa Jane ~ early miscarriage in 1990, celebrated on December 1st

Bailey Noel ~ born at 25w5d, October 30, 1995- November 1, 1995

Christian Erin ~ early miscarriage in 2005, celebrated on October 1st

* * * * * * * ******************************************* * * * * * * * *

I thought I would just add the photo challenge pic to this post. Day 15: Wave of Light

Day 15: Wave of Light

At 7pm this evening I lit these candles in memory and honor of my 3 babies and all the babies everywhere that left us too soon. <3 ABC <3

CYG2012 Days 13 & 14

Day 13: Signs
I see my babies' hello in lots of different ways but I love seeing their names or initials on tv or in public. It reminds me that they are close by and reminding me they love me.

Day 14: Community
The online BL community has been a huge support to me but my local MEND support group is who knows me and listens to me and hugs me. We had a celebration Saturday night and it was wonderful to get together in fellowship to remember our babies.

CYG2012: Days 9-12

I have still been steadily participating in the photo challenge but just haven't been able to keep up the blog each day so here is the wrap-up of the last 4 days.

Day 9: Special place
This one was hard. I used Bailey's grave on day 5 so I had to really think about another special place. We have moved around a lot and with Bailey buried in VA and us not being there to visit, we started going to cemeteries that are local and visiting. I have always had a connection with cemeteries and I am quite at peace there. I walk through, read the names, say little prayers, take pictures, and leave flowers on those tiny baby graves. I can't do that for my daughter right now so it is comforting to do it for someone else.

Day 10: Symbol
I don't have just one. There are many things that remind me of my babies. Butterflies, dragonflies, their initials ABC, and more. I think the one that brings me the most comfort is the sky, looking to the heavens and the clouds, and feeling like they are so much closer than they really are.

Day 11: Supportive Friends and Family
I have had so much support since reaching out to the online community. I am afraid to list everyone because I'm scared I will leave someone out. You all know who you are, you know you are precious to my heart! My family is supportive as well but most importantly I think is my rainbow. He is my world and he knows all about his siblings and understands my grief. We can talk openly about life and death and Heaven. He is my rock and my reason to be strong.

Day 12: Scents
I don't have any particular scents that remind me of my babies specifically. Nothing that can take me back to the hospital or even the cemetery. But this time of year, fall, reminds of them. So the scents of the season remind me of Bailey especially. Pumpkin spice, apple pies, and cider.

CYG2012 Day 8: Jewelry

Special piece of jewelry. Here are 3 pieces I had hand-stamped from Kayce Jones Designs and two from special pendants from Beth Quinn Designs.

Day 8: Jewelry

I have lots of jewelry that I have acquired over the years. I picked a few of the pieces I got hand-stamped and two pieces I had special made with significant sayings. 

For more info on KJD you can visit her FB page here.
For more info on BQD you can visit her FB page here.

CYG2012 Day 7: What to say

It really is hard to what to know what to say to someone who has lost a baby. Even for me! That's because you can never be sure of what will be receptive at any time. What's comforting for one person can sting the next. What can sting today can be comforting tomorrow. It's all about perception and life experiences. I've found it's just easier to say your sorry. If this person is close to you then let them know that you will never forget their baby.

Day 7: Over the years I have found that saying the right thing is hard to do. Everyone's grief is different and life experiences makes even the kindest words left up to perception. What works for one person could sting the next. I have found these two phrases have always worked for me. If you're just not sure what to say I'm sorry is always welcomed. And as we are all afraid that people will forget our child over the years, the next phrase is just comforting.