Catching up

The purpose of blogging daily in October was to put my feelings to paper, well you know. This weekend was kinda strange. I was really excited to spend a weekend by myself with the boys at a cub scout camp. Just me and the kitties and all the quiet I could handle. Friday night was wonderful but come Saturday I started feeling a little rough. Taking a little nap, making some chili, watching the baseball game and then going to bed early. The boys came home early yesterday morning and it quickly turned into a nappy kind of a Sunday. So here I am catching up on the last few days. Really, minus the sickness, it was a good weekend. I am grateful for that since I can't know what exactly this next weekend will hold for me. The hubby is working all weekend so where I would normally retreat to my bed and sleep it off, I have to be up and present to care for my son. Maybe that is my blessing. Forcing to live in the present and not the past. Enjoying what is here with me instead of wishing for what I can never get back. So let's answer three days of challenge questions and start this week off.

Day 22: Do you have a song(s) that make you think of your children?
There are lots of songs that make me think of them or just Heaven in general and what the day will be like when I get there. But the song that touches me the most and for the longest I guess is "Fly" by Celine Dion.

Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
I've always said I would have tried to do more in making the Drs understand that something was wrong. I know I did all I could do; I told them something wasn't right, I made special appointments to check on everything, even forcing them to see me two days before my seizure and they still missed it. I would have made them keep her in me until they could strengthen her lungs no matter what it did to me. That wasn't even an option. After the seizure I was kept heavily medicated to keep from having more seizures so I was completely out of it. To this day, I don't remember everything that happened for days and days afterward. I don't even remember all of the funeral. I'm not sure if that was a product of the medication and my high BP or just a defense mechanism. I guess I will never know.

Day 24: On birthdays, diagnosis days, anniversaries of passing; do you prepare for them?
I prepare! I prepare to celebrate their lives, I prepare to feel sad, I prepare to feel angry, I prepare to love them just a little more on their special day. Anything and everything, I try to prepare! I'm a planner kinda person so preparing is important to me. Of course the best planning can not always prepare you for what grief has up it's sleeve. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow.