A baby was born

I apologize for not continuing yesterday. I wanted so badly to celebrate her short life but my heart was so sad. No matter how long it has been, there will always be certain days that you feel sad. Yesterday was one of those days and I gave myself permission to be sad.

Oct 30, 1995...Like I said before, I do not remember a lot of what was going on. They said they had to stabilize me before the c-section could take place and I guess that's what they did with the medication. At one point they came in to give me my spinal. It seemed to take forever and was told later that he had to do it twice. If I had to guess, it was because of the size of the needle. {They had to do it twice with Matthew also because they needed a smaller needle.} I really don't remember anything after that. Next memory was being in my room. My bed was next to a window. I know I had visitors. I remember telling one of them Happy Birthday. My Mom had arrived from FL but I don't remember ever seeing her. However, later that night I had problems breathing and asked if I could call my Mom and actually dialed the phone to my grandmother's house and asked my Mom to come to the hospital. She came and spent the night.

Sixteen years ago today...What really really stings about this day is that I saw Bailey for the very first time and I have no recollection of it. Part of me thinks, how is that possible that a mother doesn't remember meeting her daughter for the first time but the more rational part knows how much medication I was on and that she is not the only thing I don't remember. The memories I have of being with her and holding her I thought was Tues but after looking at the pictures I realized that the memories I have are of Wed. So basically I have no memory of Tues at all. Oh wait, I think I do have a memory of Tues. The nurse had come in with a breast-feeding machine for me to pump for her and that would have been Tues. Yes they made me pump so at some point I'm guessing they thought she would be ok, otherwise my would they make me pump and have my milk come in only to have to lose her and deal with that whole issue. What an awful and painful reminder of what your baby should be doing. My body, the same body that turned against her and betrayed me was now producing milk to feed her. WOW!