The way it was

Lots of meds made this day 17 years ago pretty blurry in my mind. There are still things this many years later that just aren't clear. I don't think they will ever be and as the years move on, the people that were lucid, well without drugs anyway, don't remember the way I need them to when I have questions.

I remember the transfer to the better hospital. The hospital that had one of the best children's hospitals in the East attached to it. I don't remember getting on the gurney or into the ambulance. I think the terrible city roads must have jarred me awake. I was strapped in on my left side. My hubby and the attendant were talking. He told me to stay on my side and my hubby quickly told him I was trying to. It was a rough ride.

I remember arriving through the ER and my best friend being there when the big doors slid open. She was crying and telling me everything was going to be ok. Fast forward to my room. I was in and out. I remember my BFF playing with the bag of urine attached to the side of my bed. I can't remember why exactly but I do remember telling her to put it down cause she was blowing up my bladder.

I remember trying to get the epidural. Sitting still wasn't really a problem since I was drugged out of my mind but I know he stuck me at least twice before leaving the room to retrieve a smaller needle. I don't remember the OR, I don't remember the birth, I remember waking up in a different room and it was dark. The lights were off but I think it might have been overcast or rainy. I remember one visitor and the nurses bringing me two very blurry Polaroid pictures of my new baby. I suppose at some point I knew my Mom had arrived from Florida because later that night I woke up not being able to breath. I was panicking. I pushed the nurses button. She came and put the oxygen mask on me. I told her I wanted to call my Mom and so she got the me the phone and I carefully dialed my grandmother's phone number and asked my Mommy to come be with me.