October 1, 2012 Christian's Day

Today is Christian's Day!! It is the 7th anniversary of his life.

I thought this year I would share his story as I wrote it last year for a photography and grief class.

It was 2005, we decided it was finally time to start trying again. Matthew was 4 and really wanted me to have twins like Dora’s mom did. HA! After a couple of layoffs we were getting back to a good place financially. We would have tried sooner had we not had to deal with the layoffs and subsequent moves. I was told after I had Bailey that my risk for having all the same problems was very high. It’s not normal to have Eclamptic seizures and HELLP Syndrome in the 2nd trimester. The Dr said I would have a ‘window’ to be able to have more children in safely and he had no way to determine how long that window would stay open. We had Matthew in 2000 with no problems other than the usual pregnancy issues like sickness and swelling. I was monitored very closely and it looked like the Dr was right, my window was wide open. We knew we needed to get started again asap to take full advantage of our window. Well, in true form for me, I got pregnant right away. I knew it just as I had known it with my other pregnancies. I had sickness and fatigue almost immediately. And my boobs ugh! It looked like I would be due in late June/early July of 2006. When I missed my period, I took a test, it was negative. WHAT? How could this be? I’m sick, I’m tired, is it in my head? What’s going on? I waited another day and took a test again. It was POSITIVE! Thank goodness, I thought I was going crazy. I didn't get to enjoy my good news long, the next week I started to spot. I called the NP at my PCP and she told me it sounded like I was having a miscarriage and that I should wait a couple of days to see what happens and call her again. I continued to spot lightly for a couple of days and decided to take another test. It was positive. My fear was that I might be pregnant with twins and losing one so I called the NP back. Again, she was not of much help, and basically said that my body was taking care of itself and I should just “let it happen”. I was devastated. After a few more days and no change, I called my OB/Gyn. I know, I should have just done that in the first place. He had me go to the hospital and get blood drawn. I thought he would never call back. He said my hormone levels were high but not as high as they should be. I was losing my baby. He decided against a D&C and had me come back to the hospital in a few days. My levels were dropping, so I was to wait three more days and come back again. I spent two weeks getting blood drawn when finally my levels were where he wanted them to be. I continued to bleed for another two weeks. It was the longest month of my life. It brought back so many memories of Bailey and how I bled and bled and bled. It killed me a little more every time I saw that blood, it was a reminder of my loss. The same with this baby. I just wanted the bleeding to stop! 

The last day I knew I was pregnant for sure was Oct 1st so that is the day we celebrate Christian. I believed him to be a boy but we gave him the middle name of Erin which is traditionally thought of as the feminine spelling. In my defense, my baby name book showed Erin as being used for both genders. 

So, I was told this was my window closing and I was told I would probably not ever carry another baby to term and the risk to my health would increase the longer I was pregnant. My husband and I decided that we could not risk my health to have another baby. The chances of really having another baby were slim and my being around for Matthew was more important. What a hard decision, and one I think about nearly everyday. I hate that I can’t try again. All in all, my mind tells me that we made the right decision but my heart aches for another baby.