Countdown

Truthfully the countdown has been happening for a couple of months now. I have been angry, and sad, and demanding, and rude, and just down right no fun to be around. About two weeks ago I snapped at my hubby, again, and I just went in to the bathroom and cried. I was tired of being so angry. I was tired of my mood turning on a dime. Fine one minute, ready to scratch your eyes out the next. Really embarrassed by the thoughts in my head sometimes. Like when I went to the Dr to get my blood checked and an old man came in after me and they called him right back. First I thought I need to knock this old guy over and say I was here first!! Then I thought I'm gonna make this woman back here explain herself to me, after all it was a walk-in clinic not an appt clinic and I should have been first. Anyhow, I calmed down by the time I got back there, gave my blood, and got out of there as soon as I could.

While crying in the bathroom I prayed that God would release this anger from me. I was driving the people away that I needed the most. More importantly, my hubby was feeding on my anger. When I got mad and snappy he got mad and snappy. I knew I needed to change my mood so he would too and our poor son wouldn't be caught in the middle of something. Within the next day I felt a release. I felt lighter. The anger was subsiding and my prayer had been answered.

Since then we have been more patient with each other. We've been here before, we recognized what was happening. The last couple of weeks have been much better. I have been actually kinda numb leading up to tomorrow. I think that's what is best for me right now. Typically, I would start reliving the nightmare of losing my daughter about the 27th.

October 27th is when I forced myself in the Drs office to try to get answers about my weight gain. They couldn't tell me, they just blew me off with pamphlets about sodium.

October 28th I was sick all day, later that night I had a small stroke and didn't realize what was happening. Luckily it was not severe and I basically slept it off.

October 29th I had been up all night sick, called the ER, they said if I felt the baby move then it was up to me if I came in or not. I got off the phone, laid back and waited, and she moved and moved allover. Later in the morning I called the Dr and told him what was happening. He said sounded like I had the stomach flu and for me to call the office first thing Monday morning to come in. I would see him later that night in the ER after having a seizure on my sofa. He would tell me that basically my baby was making me sick and she needed to come out. I could barely talk but I remember saying it's not time. He said it didn't matter, she had to come out. I spent the next, what I think was, few hours in a dark cold room waiting to be transported to another hospital where my daughter could be taken and receive the best care possible.