The way I wish it was + saying goodbye

I didn't have any fancy notions of her birth or even our lives together. I had researched water births. I didn't really want a home birth but a water birth in the hospital. I thought the idea of the baby leaving the warmth of my womb and entering the world in the warmth of the tub made me feel comfortable for her. The idea of that shock of cold like flinging open the curtain after a hot shower and someone left the door open gave me chills, for real. It seemed like a more peaceful transition into the world and I wanted that for her.

The furthest I had really thought into the future was to the next Halloween. She was due in early February so she would be nearly 9 months old and I thought that was a great age for her first Halloween. I hadn't really thought about costumes but more about dressing her little cute butt up and visiting in our little cul-de-sac before hopping in the car and visiting friends and family to show her off.

I suppose the further along in my pregnancy I would have thought more about the milestones that lie ahead but at 25wks 3dys things began to change. There was to be no water birth but a quick quick surgery to remove the baby that was killing me like she was a cancer of some sort. How sad to think of her that way because was it really her or my body that had failed to carry her properly? Those questions mean much less today mostly because our fate was sealed back then seventeen years ago. Her days were numbered and her number was 2.

I wish I had gone to term.
I wish she would have been born in a bath of warm water.
I wish she had weighed more than just 440grams.
I wish she had come out and been put on my chest.
I wish we could have taken all kinds of birth pictures.
I wish we could have taken her home from the hospital.

It's taken me all these years to realize that we, Bailey and I, made the greatest sacrifices we will ever make. She was taken from me. Of course that was not her choice, but nonetheless she sacrificed her life for mine. That long ago, technology was not as advanced. A baby born at less than 26wks that measured more the size of a 22-weeker had very little chance of surviving. I believe in my heart though that she lived the life she was supposed to live. She was not meant to live longer than she did. She lived her whole life in a matter of hours and I was her Mommy the whole time.

In the end, I had to return the favor of sacrifice. I gave her what SHE needed instead of what my heart yearned for. I gave her the gift of being free, being whole, being forever perfect. It was the hardest and yet the most peaceful decision I will ever make. I gave her life in this world and I gave her life eternal. I don't believe it was any coincidence that she passed into Jesus' arms on All Saints Day.

She is my little Saint in Heaven.