Surrender

I am facing what are most certainly some of the hardest days I've had in a long time. I'm not used to feeling some of this stuff anymore. Maybe that's why it's been so hard. The tears flow easily right now.

All the while still, friends are losing babies. It doesn't stop. Every day another baby goes to Heaven, multiple even around the world. We live in a world where death happens, evil happens and we fight it. We ignore it. We don't believe it can happen to us. We don't talk about it because then it may come to us. We say we're sorry, and we are, we change the subject maybe with a platitude, and we don't want to deal with it anymore, basically saying, "Don't bring your death into my life!".

Honestly I don't know how these people live in their little bubbles. I've lost family and friends many times in my life. I was never sheltered from death. I went to funerals and cemeteries and I'm thankful for that. Maybe I was being prepared for the death that would touch my life in a way that no parent should know.

Even now, when my pain is so raw. While the tears are so fresh I know what has to be done to survive.

Surrender!

We have to surrender to reality.
Surrender to death.
Surrender to what's gone.
Surrender to what's not coming back.
Surrender to what's been lost.
Surrender to what will never be.
and then
Surrender to life.

Life goes on. As cliche or just shitty as it sounds, it's true. We all know it. We learned the hard way when we wanted the world to know how bad we hurt and the world just went on without our baby.

I will make it through this dark time. The time will pass and I will smile again. I know because I've done it before. That makes me a survivor! I am a survivor! and I will get through this. My grief, my pain, my tears, they honor my children. They honor the love I have for them. I will surrender to survive!