My plate is too full

There's been a lot going on lately, kinda behind the scenes. I haven't written or updated the FB page much the last few weeks. I really don't even know where to begin.

Well at the end of August we bought a new car. Our son is outgrowing us me and so too the little Jetta we had. The poor kid was scrunched in the back seat and literally had to turn sideways to get in and out. Any drive longer than 20 mins and he was complaining about his knees hurting. The car was failing in a lot of ways so we started looking for a used car. We were not getting qualified because we still owed too much on the Jetta so one salesperson suggested we buy new because of the incentives that come along with the new cars. It worked and we got something that my son can grow into and if need be will be able to ride in the front and me in the back.

This brought on a lot of anxiety about a new larger car payment. I have not worked regularly/and or job bounced for the last 5 years. In fact, the 24th will be 5 years exactly when I had my first severe vertigo attack. I'm not talking whoa I turned my head too fast dizzy, I'm talking full blown world spinning out of control don't know which way is up vertigo. It lasted nearly 10 hours and ended with a long ER visit to re-hydrate me and get my BP back up to normal. Ever since, the attacks come more often and with or without notice. So I don't work anymore cause I was getting fired for missing too many days, I don't drive anymore because I don't know when an attack is coming, and basically I go no where alone anymore. There have been  lots of tests and lots of meds and basically what Drs agree is the only cure is to sever the nerves in my ear, which will make me deaf. And since both ears are affected, well you get the picture. So I have been seriously stressing over money and trying to find some work at home job that is NOT a scam.

Then school started and what I hoped was going to be nice days of quiet and peace ended up just being frustration. Dealing with an issue with our new car wasn't helping either. Then I found out terrible news. A friend from our old hometown was murdered. I call her a friend, I consider her that. Maybe truth is she was more of an acquaintance. I met her when she was my son's teacher's assistant and new her for some time through school and church. She was an awesome woman with the light of the world in her eyes. Not only was she murdered but it came out that it was a murder-suicide in which her eldest son shot her, her daughter, her youngest son, and then himself. For two weeks I would have bad dreams and just not be able to sleep at all with my mind racing about what happened and how it happened. And of course WHY! I was sad that I could not be there to mourn and celebrate her with other friends. To show support to the family left behind and offer what ever I could to ease their pain, if only for a moment.

Then came the anger of not being where I would hope we would be over a year ago. We have moved around A LOT! Hubby has been laid off from 4 jobs in the last 11 years. Huge chunks of those years spent not working, looking for jobs, and moving to accommodate the jobs he did get, only to be laid off again. I know he does not want to stay where we are so I have been trying to figure out where a good place for us is. Asking for guidance, asking for help, asking that we can make one more move that will be the move where my son will graduate high school. No more switching schools. A place for us all to put down roots and settle in to the rest of our lives. However, close enough to family and friends to be able to visit from time to time. Still waiting.

Still waiting to incorporate Rest In Hope cause we had not planned to be in TX this long and not wanting to have to do it all over again in another state. What seems like putting my life on hold for something that doesn't seem to want to happen. Frustration is at an all time high.

My friend's death seems to have put me full ahead in the grief path that is October. Earlier than expected I am consumed by thoughts of death and the life after. The what if's and the what should've beens. I had planned on opening a shop to sell some art and jewelry items to help out the family and also try to raise money for Rest In Hope to help fund markers. I have several people I would like to help but can't cause I can't even help my own family right now. And over frustrated!! All this over-emotion has stifled my creativity, I don't even feel like I want to paint or draw or make anything. I just want to be, to sleep, to pass the days.

Back to the car, it's a simple thing really. Texas requires front license plates. We went to pick up our plates and realized there was no front bracket on the car. The salesperson wanted to drill the plate right into the bumper. Um NO! He called later and left a message saying he could order it for $30. My first thought was I'm not paying for something that should come with the car especially in a state the requires it. A call to the Customer Care Center and I found out it was included in the sales code and should've been in the car. They said that would have the dealership call. No call. Called back to the CCC to have a case manager assigned. This Tuesday she called to say after talking with the dealership it was determined that part was not made for the car. HUH? He can order it but it's not made?? OK right, I asked to speak to a manager and was told one would call. Still waiting. Wednesday I went on Dodge's FB page and left a little note, they contacted me and told me someone would call me by Friday. Still waiting. All of this frustration over a $30 part that I would have thought the dealer would have eaten to make the customer happy. Oh and found out yesterday that the dealer has the part on hand because I have the part number and so it does exist. All this extra crap on top of what is already been a rough few weeks. I literally broke down in tears while trying to call the CCC Tuesday and got disconnected.

There was a glimmer and a smile yesterday. For more than a year I have been emailing Precious Moments and leaving notes on their FB page about a piece that was retired. I urged them to bring it out of retirement because it's a babyloss piece and I know it would bring a lot of peace to so many moms out there. Finally! They did it. Mommy's Love Goes With You has been re-released and is scheduled for delivery mid-October. What could be better? This wonderful figurine delivered to me during the hardest time of the year for me. I know it will come on the day I need it most. I can't wait. Oh in case you're interested, the price is $50. You may think that is pricey, and you know what, it's pricey to me these days too but the only place I could find this was on eBay for $1200. Yes, one thousand two hundred dollars!

I'm sorry to make this post the size of a small eBook but I really needed to get this all off my chest. To kinda let everyone know what's been going on and why I have been a bit distant. Christian's Day is just around the corner October 1, and I can't help but think about this being his 7th year since he left and how he should be a rambunctious 1st grader. Time flies and then again it stands still when you miss someone soo much.

Thanks for sticking by Rest In Hope, my ultimate goal is to be an encouragement for those that find this blog or the FB page. I want people to know that life can be good again, you can love and mother your children in Heaven just as much more with a smile on your face and a smile in your heart. Oh and since I have only told a few, there is a book in the future. I am steadily compiling my words but in these days of pain that come along, it seems might far off. Being at peace with your loss doesn't mean that you won't always have a hole in your heart. And these days that I am having now, this pain I feel for Christian, and Bailey whose birthday is in Oct also, and even for Alyssa, it doesn't mean I have slid back down in the depths of grief. It means I love them more then I ever knew was possible and some days just hurt more than others.