Last night was HARD

I went to my monthly M.E.N.D. meeting last night. I love going. I love being able to go somewhere and be the voice of my children, speak their names like they are in the next room, and cry without anyone thinking I'm crazy. If you haven't tried going to a support group meeting, please try it at least once. The hardest part is getting there. Most that I have been to don't require you to say anything maybe other than your name. It's definitely a different atmosphere compared to individual counseling. There's no pressure to talk to answer questions or worry about saying the right or wrong things.

Things have been hard lately. I wrote about all the crazy stuff going on the other day and decided I needed to work out my issues on paper. Not only facing my demons but offer a blessing to my problems as well. I felt awesome after realizing that. I was having the best day I had had in weeks. Then, as the hubby was watching the final episode of MASH of all things, there was a scene where he was telling the lady to keep her chicken quiet. He told her to make it stop cause they were gonna find them and kill them all. He told her to keep the chicken quiet. Then the chicken was quiet, the woman was crying, and he looked back to see that she had killed her baby to save all of their lives. It was't a chicken IT WAS A BABY! I lost it. Right there sitting at the table where just moments earlier I was happy, now I was bawling my eyes out. Stupid TV program!

So back to last night. I got there early. A friend was bringing some candle votives for us to decorate for Oct 15th. We joked about having arts and crafts and I was laughing again. It felt good. I didn't want to have the regular meeting where we go around the room and introduce ourselves and our losses. I wanted to kick back with my paint pen and my votive and just have a good time, for a couple hours at least.

As everything else has been going lately, no luck for me. We had a new person show up. Glad she was able to come and talk out her problems but I wanted to be selfish, I wanted to just laugh and paint. We had to go around the room, it's was my turn. I kept a steady gaze on my candle holder and continued to paint as I said, "I had a miscarriage a long time ago, then I got pregnant with my daughter, then I had seizures and she was taken from me. She lived for two days. Then I had a son, then I had another miscarriage." Giant tears forming in my eyes. The kind so big that you wonder how they are still there and not rolling down your face, making your vision blurry until you blink and they fall. I sat there painting the rest of the night. In fact I painted 3 votives instead of just one. There were a couple of questions and I talked about my friend dying and how I think that thrust me into this deep pit right now.

I put Bailey's and Christian's birthdays in the newsletter and one of the nice girls brought it to me cause I didn't receive mine. I had it open to the page and I just stared at it all night. Every time I saw that 17, I just cried harder. I can't believe it's been soooo long since I last held or saw my baby girl. Those people aren't used to seeing this from me. They are used to me talking about hope and peace and joy. They don't see me like this and it's not what I wanted them to see. I don't want them to think I'm a hypocrite for preaching love and peace and then show up depressed and crying. But that's just my head speaking cause I know they understand it doesn't matter how strong you are or how at peace with your loss, there are just times that tears are needed, tears are welcome, to cleanse the soul and to make room for love again.

It's not even October yet and this month is weighing on me hard. The ache in my heart seems overwhelming at times. It's the ache of missing someone so much that you would bargain anything to see them, hold them, love them, one more time. Knowing that that day will come warms my aching heart, it soothes it a little. I wonder how many people understand wanting to die so bad to see your babies again but not wanting to die at all and leave your family and friends behind. You can't have it both ways so you live, the best you can to put a smile on those faces in Heaven. Blow them kisses and say I miss you, and I love you, and I will see you soon.