I guess I envy people that can have regular sleep patterns and wake up early to start their day. I'm definitely more of a night owl. I like the peace and quiet of the night-time and that's when I get the most accomplished. Ironically, I sit here writing this before the sun if fully up because I woke a little after 5am this morning. Funny! Of course it has less to do with my internal time clock and more to do with my bladder! UGH!
Any how, my "clock" may not work so good but boy does my calendar work. You didn't know you had an internal calendar?? Well I'm guessing if you've ever dealt with any type of significant loss in your life then yes you know you have a calendar. Let me explain.
For example, this past February, one day I woke with a terrible attitude. From the moment I stepped out of bed it was one thing after another that irritated me. I'm sure it was my bladder that woke me up so I was ticked at my bladder for not letting me sleep longer. Then I was ticked because the toilet paper didn't rip right. The Keurig couldn't heat up fast enough and that first cup of coffee did nothing to satisfy me. It went on and on like this all day. Finally later in the afternoon I was writing a couple of bills and realized, it's February 7th. You see February 7, 1996 was my due date with Bailey. It didn't matter much that it had been 16 years since that day cause inside my calendar was keeping track. My calendar was telling me, "HELLO...this is an important day to you, figure it out already and deal with it!!". I burst into tears not because I was sad really but because the frustration finally meant something. Now I knew what was happening and I could acknowledge it and be gentle on myself.
I try really hard now-a-days to notice my change in attitude and figure out what's causing it. Sometimes it's anger, or sadness, or frustration, or just indifference, but I know I'm not my usual self and I need to figure out why. The sooner I can pinpoint the culprit the sooner I can accept there's a genuine reason for my feelings and let them play out the way they need to. Most helpful for my family too who tends to bear the brunt of my outbursts.
The calendar will be working overtime in the next few months. I can picture it in my mind like it's the huge desk type with little notes written on special dates. Dates leading up to other dates that culminate in a giant red circle that says, "Bailey's Birthday".
It really starts mid-Sept to build up for Christian's Day but pretty much all of October is a wash. November is when she died and was buried but then I get to celebrate my only living child's birthday. Then December and Alyssa' Day but just the next day is the anniversary of our vow renewal, this year it's number 7. After that is leading into Christmas and being blessed and sad and even envious all the same time. YES this calendar will be on overload by the end of the year.
It's hard, but I also think it's kind of cool that our bodies/subconscious/whatever can remember dates that we are not actively thinking about.
ReplyDeleteYou know I read an article that said we as mothers carry part of our children's DNA with as after they are born. Which is too cool in itself. But maybe that contributes to our brain's ability to remember. Who knows, it's cool and not so cool at the same time.
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