This Side of Infertility

I have never followed the infertility crowd. I have more then a few friends that have had difficulties conceiving and always felt so bad for them. Not sorry for them, but sad that they could not create a child together out of a love they most certainly shared. That they would not know that feeling of immense joy and anxiety all at the same time when looking at two pink lines on a pregnancy test. Not feeling that baby move inside you, I miss that. And of course, you have to have the good and the bad. Why not throw in a little nausea, heartburn, peeing every five minutes, you know what I'm talking about. I have to mention that too cause there is not one person that I know that is trying to conceive that wouldn't LOVE to have their boobs hurt and their feet swell cause that would mean they are pregnant.

From Merriam-Webster

in·fer·tile adj \(ˈ)in-ˈfər-təl\
Definition of INFERTILE
: not fertile or productive <infertile eggs> ;
especially : incapable of or unsuccessful in achieving pregnancy <infertile couples>

All honesty, conceiving was never an issue for me. Heck, most of the time we had to be careful just looking at each other funny. Seriously! 

One miscarriage; a fluke. 

One preterm birth because of illness; big fluke. 

One perfectly healthy and fine pregnancy; the way it's supposed to be. 

Another miscarriage; not so much a fluke anymore. 

Fact is, my body is perfect for conceiving but not so much for carrying to term. After I had Bailey, I was told that having Eclampsia and HELLP Syndrome in the 2nd trimester was not the norm and put me in a higher risk category. I was told that didn't mean I couldn't have a baby but that it may be difficult to make to 'full-term' and I would need special care. I was told I had a "window" to have babies in and that after that window closed my odds of carrying were considerably less again. No one could tell me how long this window stayed open though.


That Dr was right. I did have a window and it lasted roughly 10yrs. Unfortunately I only took advantage of it once. Enter a wonderfully healthy baby boy! Life happened and I put a curtain over the window. Dealing with Bailey's loss and marriage issues delayed trying again. After Matthew, were continuous layoffs and moves looking for work. When we were settled again, we decided it was time to try again and WHAM miscarriage. My window was closing and no Dr could guarantee that I would be able to carry to term again. That meant deciding if the desire for more children outweighed the medical risk to me and those babies. Was it fair to conceive if only to lose them? Was it fair to Matthew to try again and die because I wanted another baby so badly? 

Infertility

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Infertility primarily refers to the biological inability of a person to contribute to conception. Infertility may also refer to the state of a woman who is unable to carry a pregnancy to full term.  

I can tell you that after all these years, the desire is still there. The thought of getting pregnant still haunts me. Even to the point of jealousy sometimes. I hate to admit that but deep down it's true. I'm not trying to take anything away from the infertility crowd because I know they could say, "Well at least you could get pregnant, at least you have a child of your own." That's true! and I am grateful for it, really really grateful because I have a son I adore! But, that fact is my body betrayed me in a different way. It let hope, it let me feel the joy of getting pregnant, and then it took that from me. That's just the way it is but I still, and probably always will, want another baby.