This is where I am 16 years, 7 months, and 6 days after the birth of my first-born, a daughter. She lived for two days and so my journey began.
These almost 17 years have taught me so many things about myself, about life in general, about death, about how to love, about how to live. I miss her so much, so much that if I sit with it long enough I will get physically sick. I don't do that.
I smile because she existed. I smile because she was loved from the moment she was conceived (and yes I know when that was). I smile because she is even more loved today. She is loved by a brother that never met her but loves her anyway. I smile because of him. I smile because a butterfly will fly by on my way out the door and I know it's her saying hello. I smile when I hear her name. I smile when I look at her tiny footprints tattooed on my arm. I smile because she brought her daddy and me closer together. I smile because I know she is with me. I smile because I will see her again. I smile because that reunion will be eternally filled with joy.
Truth is, I rarely cry for her anymore. There are times when I am sad, especially her birthday or special times, but mostly I can't cry because I am too busy smiling for her. I smile for her because she can't. She has a beautiful smile.
Right where I am 16 years, 7 months, and 4 days after I last held her.
Which is really 16 years, 7 months, and 4 days closer to seeing her again.
Ooops, linking up with Still Standing Magazine's Journey in June monthly blog hop
Beautiful, Stephanie. Thank you for sharing your heart.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kim!!
DeleteVery nicely put! I hope I can get to that point some day!
ReplyDeleteThanks Amy!! I know you can do it. It's just really hard, and sometimes you get knocked down. The day you realize you are on your way, you desire that feeling more and more. Being happy doesn't mean forgetting.
DeleteThis is so very encouraging my friend and filled me with a beautiful hope! Thank you! The reason I did not participate in this project was I feel so bad that I would hate to discourage other mommies. Thanks for sharing it really encouraged me.
ReplyDeleteYou are so welcome. I think you should still participate. It's good for those of us that are further along to remember back where we came from and be proud of what we have accomplished. You are so early into your journey, that pain is still so very raw for you. Others will understand that and remember with you. You are never alone!!!
DeleteBeautiful and so encouraging. I'm finally in a place where I can look forward to smiling for the babies waiting for me in heaven. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThanks Crystal!!
DeleteSo very beautiful. Your smile and your daughter's smile have, in turn, made me smile and given me hope for the days ahead when I will no longer cry for my own daughter but smile.
ReplyDeleteOh thank you so much Catherine for saying that!! That means the world to me, you just don't know.
Delete16 years seems an almost impossibly long time, and also like not that much time at all. Thank you for all of the love and joy and hope in this post.
ReplyDeleteErica, you are so right. It feels like forever ago when I try to remember her tiny fingers and nose but just like yesterday when I remember how she came into the world. Thank you for your kind words!!
Deletethank you for sharing, Stephanie! and for giving us hope!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the opportunity Elizabeth!!
DeleteThank you for taking the time to share in this project. At nearly four years, I sometimes feel like I'm one of the "veterans", although it still feels like next to no time at all for me, often. Reading the words of women who are further along the path than I am is so helpful and encouraging.
ReplyDeleteI smile more than I cry too now. I also smile because the love I have for her is so immense and the joy in her existance so huge. Thank you for showing me that this caan continue through the years of my grieving.
Isn't funny how time works like that. Feels like forever ago and yesterday all at the same time. I am so glad you can smile for her love and living. It is so important and sometimes it takes a long time to see that. You will always have bad days but the good days honor your child the way she is meant to be honored, with joy. Thanks so much for your kind words and please feel free to share if you feel like this post can help someone you know.
DeleteThis was gorgeous, and certainly gives me something to aim for. It really meant a lot to me to hear from someone further down the road. Like Jill, I feel like one of the veterans here, when really I am not.
ReplyDeletexo
Thanks Mama!! I really want to encourage others to know that it can happen, when you're ready for it to. And it's not forgetting your child to be happy again, it's remembering her with a smile.
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