Then I remember.
Bailey was a preemie too. Bailey was a NICU baby too. She was born at 25w5d and was in the NICU for two days.
I guess I forget because I was so bad off that I couldn't visit her. I couldn't sit with her and rub her hand or talk to her. I know from pictures that I got to visit with her twice. I have no memory of the first visit. In fact, it wasn't until years later looking at the few pictures I have that I realized the dates on the pictures didn't mesh with my memory. Can you imagine? No distinct memory of the first time you met your baby? It's just sad.
I had my Mom bring Bailey's records to me from storage a couple of weeks ago. There still sitting in the same spot they were left in. Mostly because I've been sick for more then 2 weeks but also because it's daunting to think about going through them.
I want to. I've learned a lot more medically and I feel like there may be answers in there to questions known and unknown. Things that may make more sense now then they did before. Maybe, if I'm a little lucky, some of it will jog some memories. Those two days are all I have of my daughter here and I want to remember as much as I can. Even the bad is better then no memory at all. It's still just really sad.
I'm so sorry, hun! I pray for God to guide you to your memories and help you to connect more with your precious, Bailey.
ReplyDeleteThanks a bunch!! It's not something I dwell on but every now and again I have a question come to mind and it makes me wonder. Maybe now is the right time for some of these questions to be answered. Maybe I needed to wait til I could understand things better and when I am in a better place.
DeletePraying for you. That you can remember some of the time you spent with her.
ReplyDeleteThank you sooo much!! I really appreciate the prayers.
DeleteSending you a big hug, Stephanie! It is hard, and I pray you uncover some memories as you dig into Bailey's records. <3
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Kim! After writing this I'm kinda wanting to dig right in but I kinda want to do it when I can sit down quietly without distractions to really concentrate on what I reading. I'll have that chance in another week or so, so guess I'll wait. Patience, right?!
DeleteStephanie I am praying that you are able to remember and find joy and comfort in those memories. I pray this is a time of special healing in your heart. I had some traumatic childhood experiences that I blocked out when I was ready I ask the lord to help me remember so I could heal. He gently brought back the memories one at a time and brought healing and comfort as they came. I am praying you find and feel the same grace my friend.
ReplyDeleteThank you Tesha!! You make a great point, I need to ask God to help me remember. To ask Him to lead through the pain to memories of my daughter I can keep for the rest of my life. Thank you again!
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