Facing the light

It's been a while since I last wrote. I took some time with Bailey's season to take in all the emotions I had been feeling for months. It was nice to draw and paint a bit, get ready for Thanksgiving with family coming, get ready for my son's birthday, and prepare for Alyssa's special day too. I have stepped back from posting a lot on the FB page too. Not because I'm trying to get away from everyone but every now and again you need to step back from all the pain. I try to keep the page upbeat and hopeful but in doing that I have to read and research a lot of other sites and sometimes it weighs heavy.

There's been something else going on and I really wasn't sure it would be something I would talk about here but the feelings were so overwhelming. I know this post is going to be uncomfortable for some to read, mostly family, but this is the place I feel most people will 'get it'.

For nearly 6 months now I've been having some off blood work. I was going back every month and re-checking and with the same or worse results. My primary sent me to an Hematologist to see if he could figure out what was going on. Hubby and I get to the appointment and got a little lost finding the office. It's one of those medical office facilities where lots of different Drs practice together. So I'm looking for Hematology and I walk by the place where you get the blood drawn. They knew I was lost from the blank stare I guess so they asked me who I was looking for. Oh that's right next door! What? Right next door is Oncology. That's a cancer Dr by the way.

It was a bit odd sitting there, looking at the breast cancer info all over, wondering if the others waiting were like me or did they already know they have cancer. The big scary C-word! We talked with the Dr and he decided to send me back over to the lab. He was testing me for Leukemia. It would take two weeks for the results to come in and I would go back to find out for sure.

I left the office feeling a bit like Hmm that's not what I was expecting at all. I wasn't really worried though. First I thought that people with cancer wither away. I'm a healthy girl and I mean that in the fluffy way so there's no way I could have cancer. I felt like it is what it is. I didn't freak out. I know God is in control and whatever is meant to happen will happen. That was the first week.

The second week, waiting for Friday to come. I began to think about Matthew. I began to think about things I would make for him so he would have these things his whole life to look back on. So he would have tangible objects that remind him of me. So that he would know that he was my reason for living with Bailey. So that he would know how much he is and will always be loved, even from Heaven.

*Insert proceed with caution here*
I also thought about going to Heaven. It made me smile. I thought about what it would be like to meet my babies at the gate. I was happy about it. That's right, you heard me, HAPPY about the prospect of having cancer. Happy about the prospect of suffering through a long and painful end to my journey. You see this is what I have always prayed for. I have prayed that I die from a disease. No matter the pain and suffering. I want my family to be able to say goodbye. Albeit I would prefer them not to have to endure a long battle, but long enough to say what needs to be said and be able to make more memories they will be able to share with each other. I've never wanted a sudden death where they can not have closure.

We went back to the Dr. It's not Leukemia he says. Relief? yes. Discouraged? yes, a little bit. The thought of leaving this cruel world with all it's evil and meanness behind and spending eternity with my loved ones already gone, seemed like, well, Heaven!

I still have no answers for my blood work. I am though looking toward the future. I had decided that I would not just up and leave my family. I would fight the cancer, I would try to live, but I would be 'ok to go' if that was the plan. Now I understand that if those results had come back differently, I would have had to rethink all of this and really who knows what I would want. But for now, I can say that when I was facing the light; it was beautiful, it was intriguing, and it felt like home.