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Been having issues with 'fitting in' lately. Seems as though there is a sort of discrimination against BLMs that are in a good place in their life. It seems like if I'm not crying, complaining about something, constantly saying how angry I am, or just plain sad, then my words aren't acceptable.
Don't we all strive to find that place where we can coincide with our loss and our life together? Don't we want to live what life we have left in as much joy as possible?
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More and more it seems that when I say that I have found peace in my heart for my losses that I am shunned. I am treated as if I must not love my children anymore. Made to feel like I should feel guilty for 'moving on'. Like I'm a bad mother cause I don't cry everyday.
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Really I see it as just the opposite. I love my children sooo much that I want to give them the joy of watching over a Mommy that is happy and smiles. How bad do you hurt when your child hurts? Can't you just imagine what your child feels like when they see you cry and worse yet, your tears are for them, and they can not console you? That is sad.
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I am way down the road. WAY! I remember the pain all too well because I have experienced it three times over. I understand that not everyone is in the same place and that is perfectly ok because you need to go at your own pace. But how can you actively move through your grief when you are only ever surrounded by pain and sadness. Is it not uplifting to know that someone has found that wonderful place you strive to be and that if they can do it maybe you can too?
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**For the record, I am not bashing those grieving, especially those new to this pain. I still grieve too. I am not saying that if you cry all day, and post about being sad and missing your child that you are wrong. It's all a process. What I AM saying is I've been there and now I'm in a different place and THAT'S OK TOO!
Thank you Steph for sharing your beautiful story of hope
ReplyDeleteThank you! You are such a great support to me.
Deleteif anything that should be inspiration. there is o set way to grieve. if you can find happiness , thats beautiful and so be it :)
ReplyDeleteThank you! You are right, there is no set way or time to grieve. I suffered my first loss nearly 22 years ago, nearly 17 years since I last held my daughter, and lost my last nearly 7 years ago. I have been traveling this road for a long time and I think I deserve to find happiness. I deserve it for my son and my hubby too. Thanks again for your support!
DeleteI think we all (BLM's) go through a certain point where we feel like we don't belong. All for different reasons. I am glad you are at peace! It gives me hope, and something to strive for day after day.
ReplyDeleteThank you!! I just want to encourage people on their journey and let them know that they are not alone. Just because I'm in a better place doesn't mean that I don't remember the pain. You and J are so special to me!
DeleteUgh I'm so sorry that people have been trying to shame you for healing. That's sad. What I am learning is that EVERY SINGLE journey of grief is different. I know that mine has seemed very different even from women who suffered the same kind of loss at the same time I did. I felt like a freak because I could get out of bed in the morning. But I have learned that my unique experience and expression of grief, of strength, and of healing are NOT freakish, but are acceptable and valid. I know the love I have for my daughter, and forcing myself to cry every second of the day or stay in bed all day to "fit in" would not honor her or increase that love. It would just hurt me. And I want to heal. More than that, I believe God wants us to heal. Anyway, all that to say -- I'm sorry that you are feeling attacked/invalidated. I never thought for a second that your happy post about a day with your living family members meant that you didn't love your babies who died too soon. Big hugs.
ReplyDeleteThank you Beth!! You are so right and saying that you felt like a freak is exactly how I have been feeling. I have to say I wrote this in the heat of the moment last night, which I normally do not do. After posting it I realized I can only feel the way those people are making me feel by letting them. It's up to me whether they make me feel like a freak and I'm not going to let that happen anymore. Like you said, my grief and peace are valid too! I purposely did not bring God into this post but YES I absolutely agree God only wants us to be happy, always. Thanks for your support, it means so much to me!!!
DeleteThank you. Even though I am new to this I feel out of place sometimes because I too am finding a place of peace. Yes, I'm not there every day and some days I'm still really sad but most days I'm happy. I still think of him every day and tell him I love him, but I have also found that I am so thankful for the time I had with him that I can be happy. I WANT to be happy.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss Kristy!! You have such a positive attitude and that will help carry you through your grief. He wants you to be happy too! HUGS!
DeleteI meant to comment on this earlier, but life seemed to keep me off my computer yesterday--and that means I had a good day. My immediate reaction to your comment is "Yes, you belong." What would we who are newly traveling this road do if you and others like you weren't here? Who would run our support groups or show us that there is indeed a light at the proverbial end of the tunnel? Or that their are sun rays amidst the clouds?
ReplyDeleteYet I know, as you probably do to, that many times grief is full of anger and jealousy. Anger with no direction; jealousy often without rational. We need to smash, and wail, and cry. And it sounds like you may have become that outlet for some mother who has no where else to direct it. And that is sad too.
But keep on keeping on, you're needed.
Oh wow Tracy!! Thank you so much for your brilliant words. Really made my day, especially after just seeing someone else attacked for simply speaking her journey in a positive way. And I'm glad you had a good day! May you have many more.
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