A Good Night with Bad Memories

I went to my local support group meeting tonight. It was a good night. Sometimes I don't think I belong there anymore and shouldn't bother going. I usually do since it's the only real chance I get to get out of the house and physically be with people that get me.

Tonight I remembered placing a tiny teddy bear in my daughter's casket. A teddy bear I adored when I was little. A teddy bear that was nearly 25 years old and tattered. I remembered how she looked. How she looked like my baby girl but not really. She wasn't there.

Tonight I remembered the first 6 months or so when I would sit in an empty house and try to stay busy by myself. When I would move from the bed to the sofa and back, with an occasional trip to the bathroom. When I would sit in the middle of the living room floor and turn up the stereo as loud as I could and cry as I sang out the words of "Fly" by Celine Dion.

Tonight I remembered having to go back to the Drs office to pick up some paperwork and nearly puking before and after leaving the building. Going back to the place where just a couple of weeks before my baby was inside of me and I hoped they could help me with what I was feeling. All I got was a placated answer and a bill.

Tonight I remembered the pain of screaming out I WANT MY BABY! Asking why I didn't die too. Feeling so alone. Aching all over to the point of nausea. Sleeping on a wet pillow every night. Going to fix something to eat and thinking what's the point. Going out in public and feeling like everyone knew what had happened to me like I had a big scarlet letter on my forehead, like everyone was staring at me. Avoiding the baby department, especially the little dresses, for fear of running into a pregnant woman or worse yet, a newborn baby girl. I think this list is endless, or close to it.

Tonight I cried. And I laughed. Even for me, there are bad days. Even for me, I remember the pain. It didn't go away the pain, I just learned where to put it in my heart. It's still there and sometimes I remember it, I cry, and I thank God for all the good that has come from it. Maybe that's why I go to these meetings still, to be reminded of where I was and how far I've come. A true gift from above sent from Heaven on the wings of a butterfly with three little kisses that say, "We're proud of you Mommy!"