October Again

October again. I thought I would be in bed by now and I'd wake up to October 1st but here it is after midnight and I'm still up. Welcome to everything PINK! October being famous for Breast Cancer Awareness month everything turns pink on the 1st. Don't get me wrong, I am an avid supporter of breast cancer research and awareness and even as big as it has become, women are still getting it. Young women are getting it more and more, and gladly many are surviving it. The pink is necessary.

October is not just for pink though, it's for pink and blue too. In 1988, President Ronald Reagan designated the month of October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. It's hard to fight everything pink but bringing awareness to the grief of losing a child is just as important, and more so to those that live with that grief. It kind of gives those that have a hard time talking about their loss a pass to bring it up. 

Often, those of us that have lost a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal death are only "allowed" to grieve by family and friends for a short while. Sometimes they come right out and say, "Get over already!" or maybe, "I sure do miss the old you.". Most of the time, they just act uncomfortable and change the subject when we speak about our babies. Having an entire 31 days that a president has proclaimed as a time of remembrance gives us the opportunity to share our little ones with the world and bring awareness to the highly taboo subject of babyloss. In case you didn't know, all 50 states have yearly proclamations making October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day too. 

October 1st also marks what I lovingly refer to as Christian's Day. For those of you that don't know, my last pregnancy ended in an early miscarriage. October 1st was the last day I knew for sure I was pregnant before I started to miscarry. An agonizing 5, almost 6, weeks of birthing my newly formed baby. I always felt as though that baby was a boy. We decided the next year around the time he would have been due to name him. He was our baby and he deserved a name and so we called him Christian Erin. Erin is the more feminine version of that name but we thought the name could pass for either gender and since we were unsure except for a feeling, we decided to go that direction. Had I carried him to term, he would have been born around June of 2006 and would be eight years old now. It's hard to imagine what having an 8yr old and a 13yr old would be like much less add in our two other losses for a soon to be 19yr old and 24yr old. Wow, that makes me feel a little old. 

When I wake up this morning, I'll welcome in October and all it brings to my heart. Lots of grief, lots of tears, some happiness, and lots of sharing my losses and helping others share theirs as well. October is busy from beginning to end and believe me when the end rolls around, I'm ready to let it go for another year. But for this year, it's here and I'll manage what it brings the best I know how. Every year is different. This year marking my daughter's 19th birthday on the 30th, not necessarily being a milestone birthday, but the thought of last holding her NINETEEN years ago does something huge to my heart. Next year will be horrible I can already tell you but this year, well we'll see how my heart handles this year as it unfolds. Either way, good or bad, the grief of her loss will never fully go away, nor should it. Neither will that of Christian's or Alyssa's because attached to that grief is the undying love of a mother with dreams for a future for all of them. 

Starting tomorrow I will wear my Origami Owl necklace with the new Pregnancy and Infant Loss ribbon charm in it. I will publicly announce that PAIL is near and dear to my heart and to so many of my friends' hearts too. I will wear it proudly for all the babies!

I dedicate this October to my babies - Alyssa, Bailey, and Christian. My ABCs. Their souls are with me and I am forever grateful that one day I will hold them all. Until then, it is my honor as their mom to be the voice for them. To speak of love and loss in the same breath; to help others find the peace in their hearts to do the same; to let it be known they lived, for as little of a time as it was, they lived! The depth of my grief has nothing on the breadth of my love for them. Therefore, I will always speak of them. I will not care that someone is uncomfortable with that conversation. I will not apologize for how my grief makes you feel. I have a right to speak my babies' names aloud and proudly because I am their mother and that will never change.