Letting go

Today was a rough day. Probably only some of you will get why. Today is the 16th birthday of my kitty that passed in November. The first birthday since her passing.

People that don't love animals will say It's just a cat, it's not like you lost a child or something!
People that have lost a child will say It's just a cat, it's not like you lost a child or something!!

Well since I've lost both I think I am allowed to compare.

I lost Bailey in November of 1995. I was numb for a long time. And then I was bitter and for a really long time. My hubby was travelling for work and I was just going through the motions. Later that year a friend called and told me some kittens had shown up at her neighbor's house and I should come see them. There were two orange tabby boys frolicking with the dogs and this little tiny calico sitting under the stairs. They pulled her out and my heart sank. They put her on my chest and she started purring and making biscuits on me. That was it. Guess what honey, I'm coming home with a cat!

She was the light in my days. Maybe it was the timing that was right or maybe it was divine intervention but I needed her and there she was. She slept with me, she made me smile again. Taking care of her was a pleasure not a chore. A privilege and finally I felt like I had not felt since Bailey died, I felt like a MOM. I felt like I had a purpose again. I know, it's just a cat right. She was there for me, when I cried she would comfort me. When I needed to laugh she would run up the stairs and back down again with the speed of light, stop, look at me with her back hunched up like one of those Halloween kitties and then take off again. When I didn't want to get out of bed, she would headbutt me in the arm until I got up and then run to her dish and wait. She was my saving grace and I believe sent from above to put me back on track with my grieving. Lord knows I was stuck in a bad place.

She was there through my pregnancy with Matthew. She would sit on my belly and he would kick her until she got ticked off and got down. After he was born, she was patient with his stinky loud self, even when he would throw blueberries at her. And when I lost Christian she was there, right by my side all day and all night. She was so much more then a cat, she was really a best friend in a lot of ways. She was with me nearly every day for 15 1/2 years. In the end we knew her time was short and we had to decide to let her go. I was with her when she left. A beautiful gift she gave me since I wasn't able to be with Bailey when she left. A source of really strong regret.

It was hard to let her go but it was time. Letting them both go, telling them both it was ok was important. And with Bailey, it was the bravest and most unselfish thing I have ever or will ever do. God's peace was with me that day and I believe that had I been with her maybe it would have been harder for her to go. She would have felt my pain and wanted to be there for me no matter how sick she was and that was not fair to her. So I believe God saw to it that I was removed from that situation so that she could go in comfort and peace in the loving arms of her Nana.

Yes, losing a cat is different than losing a daughter. However that cat was a gift from my baby girl in the form of peace and comfort and even acceptance. So I don't grieve the same for my cat because she gave me a full life. I don't wonder about her future and what it would have been like because she gifted me with millions of memories. I cry because I miss her but more importantly because of how thankful I am to her for giving me my life back at a time when I felt I had nothing more to live for.