It takes me back

I finally watched the Duggar episode about Jubilee. Finally! I wanted to watch the night it aired but we had a DVR scheduling thing so had to move it to later. Then it became more of a chore. I really wanted to sit down and watch it, I knew I would cry, but that's ok. But the more I thought about it the more I got anxious about doing it. It's a TV program for goodness sake! Yea right, if only!

So I did it. Last night, I was alone and figured it was the best time to watch and not be interrupted. I watched the little preview that comes on in the beginning and had to pause. Where are those tissues!!?? Oh great, I'm crying already,

They took Josie back to visit some of the nurses and Dr from when she was at the Children's Hospital. They showed little Josie at 22oz in her isolette with all the tubes and a hat big enough for her to curl up in almost. And then it happened. Right back to Bailey in the NICU. I was sick and wasn't with her a whole lot but I have a couple of pics of her and remember how small she was in her little isolette. All of her 15oz. I can't help but go to that place of "why did her baby make it and mine didn't". They were roughly the same size and same gestation. But I believe in a purpose-filled life and so I believe Bailey's life was short but significant and she accomplished what she was created for and granted eternal peace as her reward.

I was truly amazed at the strength Michelle showed. How powerful is her faith that she can be lying on the table still having the ultrasound, just having learned of her baby's passing, and praise God in all His glory.

Then came the memorial and funeral services. It was beautiful. Really beautiful. Then it was time to put Jubilee's little body to rest. Michelle slipped her small wooden casket into the the metal outer box that would protect it while in the ground. Jim Bob took the boxes and laid them into the small open place in the earth and the boys took turns placing dirt on her little grave. That is when I always get an overwhelming feeling. I had this feeling for a long time after we buried Bailey. I think it's normal to have this feeling. It took some time to be able to visit her grave without the overwhelming urge to dig her up and hold her again. I barely got to hold her when she was alive, never after she was gone. Never got to look upon her body and examine each little part of her. So I think that feeling was appropriate and when I saw them lay Jubilee in the ground I couldn't help but wonder if Michelle too had that urge. Probably not, it's just me.

Though I am in the best place on my grief journey I have ever been, there are things that take me back there. It's ok to go back, to remember the pain, because without pain, there was never love. And there was so much love!