A Joy to Hold On To

When you have a baby (a healthy baby) and all is right with the world, you drink in your baby. 

His eyes, his nose, ten fingers, and ten toes. He grows and grows and all is right with the world.

When you have a baby (a sick baby, a still baby) and all is not right with the world. 

No time to drink her in, all her parts still perfect and such, but she's rushed away or taken without a touch. 

She does not grow and grow and all is not right with the world.

Sixteen years, four months, and eighteen days was the last time I held Bailey. It was the first and last time I held her. I was sick, she was sick, and so we were not able to hold her until her last day. Without her tubes, all bundled up in a hospital blanket, I remarked at how she felt like nothingness in my arms. She was born weighing 440 grams which equates to a little over 15 ounces. Not even a whole pound. A little more then the weight of a full soda can. And yes, every time I pick up a can of soda I think about that. EVERY TIME.

"Time heals all wounds" is misleading. Time diminishes the pain a little, time eases the numbness, time can put a scar on the wound but it will never be fully healed. Time also makes you forget details even those as important as the weight of your baby. How that baby felt in your arms. All you remember really is the aching your arms felt when she left them for the last time.

Enter...Molly Bears. An organization dedicated to serving moms with empty arms a weighted bear to hold on to. I signed up on their waiting list a few months ago. The waiting list only opens once a month because of the volume of requests they receive. They had a special deal going where if you donate you get in a drawing to have your bear made and sent to you no matter where you are on the list. I won!

Over the weekend a box arrived with a nice Molly Bears sticker on the side.

I looked at the box for a little while. I was apprehensive about opening it. Here she was. The apprehension was short lived and I tore into that box. Wow. She was beautiful. Pink with a tutu and a big ABC across her front. Yes even though this was my Bailey Bear they were able to incorporate all my babies on her for me to remember. I was told this ABC was purchased 9mos ago and had been waiting for the right bear. I picked her up and she seemed heavy at first but then I laid her in my arms and her heaviness went away. 

Perfection. All 440 grams of her was pure perfection. And so my arms will no longer ache for that memory I had 16 years, 4 months, and 18 days ago. Thank you Molly Bears!

If you would like to make a donation to Molly Bears click here or if you would like to sign up for a bear of your own please click here.