Numb and just going through the motions

November 3, 1995...It was my first full day at home. Hubby had set up the sofa bed for me. He was afraid he would hurt me if I slept in bed with him. I was to be in bed except for going to the bathroom so setting up the bed in the living room helped to pass the time with TV. Although I don't remember watching TV at all. I remember sleeping, I remember not being able to get out of the bed to go to the bathroom, I remember crying myself to sleep, and I remember the nurse coming by to check my BP throughout the day. We had a small viewing at a funeral home that donated their services and the casket. Well I say it was small. Truth is I don't really remember who was there. There were people coming in and out and it seems they were all strangers. I can recall seeing Bailey all dolled up in her little dress Nana had picked out for her. I found a small teddy bear that was special to me as a little girl and I placed it with her. I think I remember being strong but I think looking back it was more numbness. Just going through the motions almost like it wasn't me or my life.

 The nurse came by I think three times that day. The last time she told hubby that my BP was still really high and she would be back early the next morning to check me again. She mentioned that my BP had to be down in the morning or there would be some question about me attending the funeral service. HA ya right lady!