Learning to Bend

In the beginning, right after Bailey died, I was so numb. I felt like I was in a fog. I could kinda see what was around me but at the same time everything seemed so out of reach. I was in denial. I didn't want to believe what had just happened really happened however I had tell-tale signs that I had just had a baby and yet there was no baby to take care of. I was broken.

I was broken for many many years. Over time the fog lifted and reality set in and there was no denying what had happened anymore. I was living a nightmare and at some point I would have to acknowledge it. You know that was hard. It was hard accepting that my baby was gone. She wasn't just gone, she was dead. And just as I was accepting it, there seem to be reminders all over the place. The crying baby at the store, the seemingly endless baby stories on tv, cute baby clothes, holidays, food I craved while I was pregnant, bills from the hospital, and all those magazines and books that I had signed up for when I fully expected I would need them at the end of my pregnancy. Just everything. And with every reminder, I was broken again.

Even now, more than seventeen years later, there are moments. I'm not talking about days like her birthday or due date or even Mother's Day. I'm talking about the everyday mundane things that seem to rock my core. Don't laugh! Really, don't laugh. But things like the printer won't print the way I want it to. When my computer browser locks up in the middle of trying to locate something. You know stupid things that people deal with everyday that certainly won't cause the world to end. These are the things that break me. I get stressed and I find myself angry and bitter and asking "Why do things have to be so damn hard all the time?". It seems to me that anyone who has endured the unimaginable pain of losing a child should be given a pass to cruise through the rest of life. Unfortunately that's not the case and deep down I get it, it's life. Life is hard and we make the best of it we can but it's those stupid breaking times that I just wish I could deal with this crap in stride. I mean really, I have buried my daughter, my piece of crap printer should not have that kind of control over me.

So these days, I'm learning that prayer is the peace I need. Prayer is relying on faith that there is something better than this temporary set back around the corner. So when I'm on a deadline and my internet drops out for no apparent reason, I don't cry to ask WHY anymore, I pray that it will come back on soon. Then I realize that maybe God is telling me to stop what I'm doing because we need to talk. Where I was angered because I felt like my pain was an easy out to the problems in everyday life, now I turn to prayer to settle my soul and bring peace back into my heart.

I have buried my daughter and that has changed me forever but I can not use that pain and anguish as my crutch to limp through life begging for the easy way out. I will use prayer to let God further heal my heart with a hole that will never quite be filled. To seek days where I am angered less and filled with peace more. And to teach me how to bend where I once would have broken.